red runs my heart

Onesies - how do you spell that?

2011-12-31T11:36:00.000+13:00

Over the last few weeks - Uncle M from the land of London town has been visiting us and our new onesies (pretty much I wish i had some like these but alas i don't - so cute!!)

It has been all smiles, smiles for miles with the fun and enlargement he provides.

The girls have loved water sports, silly antics, cracker pulling, singing together, watching movies and the list goes on ...

I've enjoyed time, wine tasting, shopping, watching dexter (scary), laughs, more time and more to look forward too.

Thanks Matt, Uncle, bro, son and friend. You are wonderful. K sighed as she realised she wouldn't see you again for a few weeks. L cried. So cute.

Just like these onesies.

Looking back to move forward?

2011-12-31T11:24:00.000+13:00

If I was going to make some NYR, I'd keep it simple and not have too many.

I'd spend more time looking up next year, in prayer or simply waiting, time on the couch maybe whilst listening to some music to connect with my God. I run too much on my own petrol, my own thoughts which can be silly at times. Need His influence more and more.

I'd climb a few more trees (or similiar activities with my babes) rather than keeping the house as tidy

I'd keep hanging with people who give me life.

I'd take more photos

I'd wear more dresses or I'll just wear the dresses I have, more.

with heels of course

Easy.

Hoping for a good start to next year.

Hoping for you too.

No pressure at all. Simple, hopeful, something to work towards xx

movin on up

2011-12-15T20:29:00.000+13:00

Moving on .... here's a great wee story of yesterday

I was out doing the rubbish or something exciting like that and i discovered this fantastic gift basket sent from some friends in England. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, to me. Precious. Delicious surprise treats which one wouldn't often buy for oneself.

But wait, there's more.

Same morning, ten minutes later.......

I discover a secret santa has visited.

I leave it (as it's not for me) and let the girls know that when they are ready for school - there is a special surprise for them.

Kindly and funly enough they thought it was to get a look at one of my roses that had bloomed. yeah, no, not that!

Down at the letterbox, with a picture of santa on the front, were a few wee surprises.

A beautiful homemade card and a fun present full of goodies.

Delight and surprise all on the same morning. oh so nice.

So nice!

I likened moving on (a little more info on the title of this post), despite the situation you are in, as like being in the middle of a storm but somehow being at the calmest part of the deep ocean you are in. Down below maybe, but where it is still and where the waves can't get you (with some flippin good breathing equipment).

I feel His presence and I really like it. He calms my heart when I worry and as a child would sing that song "he's got the whole world in his hands"..... I guess i feel that, for me, right here in the little city i live in. He's got my back.

And maybe, in a beautiful way, he turns up as a secret santa or as a lucious gift basket to say, "Hello, I'm here and I've got it".

So nice.

Joyful Joyful

2011-12-06T19:51:00.000+13:00

I read a blog lately where the author commented on how much she loved Christmas. It made me want to get re-envigorated for it and so i've started.

It is a bit of a silly season in some ways, but there are beautiful things which I try to thread through into our lives.

This year it's the new advent tree that I created, the first child to see the days little parcel pegged up, is the one allowed to open up and see what's inside. It ! way better in the non-photo version (ah loving two toned twine).

I'm trialling a thing called the Jesse tree which precious Pip (friend of yonks) told me about. The best ideas are often from my pals. We read a section of the Story most days for advent and the girls colour in matching decorations to make our own Jesse Tree. It's good so far, hoping the novelty won't wear thin.

Ah the home-made wreath. A little bit of yummy.

The disco-ball tree and matching corner

The Immanuel nativity. Always reminding, God with us.

Hope Christmas isn't the silly season for you but that there are incredible moments of remembering and loving in the reason for the season.

(PS Shell, hoping your woollen nativity is doing it's thang in your whare at present x)

Spoilt rotten plus plus

2011-12-05T20:43:00.000+13:00

Had a wee trip to the big City this weekend with these two gorgeous honeys!

High tea for the ladies, making one feel lucious and delicate with the help of a cocktail and mandarin enhanced tea

Perfect timing for me, just what the doc ordered. Funny how things work out in a timely fashion

Loads of laughs, incredible shopping and fantastic company

a special wee trip with gazillions of surprises and blessins

Thank you you two, you are true beauty's inside and out

I adore it that you are real, can laugh about the fun stuff (mama bear making everything work, what's done on tour, stays on tour .....), that you love MAC and shoes as much as I

and that you encourage me beyond belief.

I was spoilt rotten - thank you a million times over, big love to you both xx

SUCH FUN!

No regrets

2011-11-10T22:53:00.001+13:00

Absolutely none when it comes to these new puppies ...... all the way from England ...... mamma claus brought them back on her return. So delicious - the stitching, the height, the wedge, the inside detail.
Breathe Sarah ....

Always so glad of these two munchkins. Kai I write this for you as nine years ago you popped (well that is prob a slight under-exaggeration) into my world and you've filled it ever since. Look at your gorgeous big eyes, lucious long eye lashes and legs to match! But there's more to you than your beautiful outward appearance.

There's the real true you, the girl who writes lists of activities or chores she needs to do,

the older sister who tries to listen attentively to the younger one without interrupting,

the babe with the careful attention to detail in putting outfits together,

the tree climbing, soccer ball playing, bar hanging child who sings like it's second nature and plays the keys like she's her mummas girl.

The girl with a pile of books by her bed, an art activity on the go, a game outside always involving a tree and moments of sweet whispers and kisses just for her ma.

I appreciate how you welcome others to our home like they are our new best friends, how you love-on younger children who are in your reach, and I particularly love how you have add-on ideas that often change our current view or plan of action. You are a blessing.

You are fun. You are a rascal sometimes.

You are clever and smart, beautiful inside and out, you make fart jokes whenever you can and you can argue with the best of them.

I am so thankful to God for you Kaiya Grace. I am a very proud mumma.

I am also so grateful that you and Liv got given these great reads on Grandma's return.

Look at them Amy - many suggested by you!

Thanks for the pressies for us in the form of letters on pages, overseas book buying people! The library is open.

No regrets Kaiya Grace, none ever.

Birthday Bliss?!

2011-11-05T17:28:00.001+13:00

My oldest babes birthday party yesterday.
Worked all day prepping for it, as you do.
Balloons and tinsel went up, table settings to make things look pwerty, fun wee gifts for girls to win, flower (chupa chup cup cakes), sprinkle sandwiches, little sausages in little buns, make your own kebabs and bucket loads of games (and money!).
Ah such delight in planning. Such joy for my babe.

Nothing could prepare me for the two hours of 9 year old character traits and out-of-controlness.

End of the day: exhausted, annoyed, disappointed mother, thinking wee guests were rude and quite painful. Sounds awful doesn't it?! Party girl reflecting, thinking it wasn't the party she had expected. Felt that no one had really cared for the party girl. That other friends had taken over and bossed everyone round. At one point the party girl went and hid in a tree. Phew, the mother thought she didn't notice how bad it was! Party girl went to bed dwelling on how dumb party was. Mother came in to remind her of good things that were and to plan for better time next time. Maybe not so many girls, maybe not some of the original list of girls, maybe no party (he he).

Not truly sure what went wrong. But don't want another one of those. My control-freak nature couldn't handle the fact that no-one was listening to my clear instructions for the games, kids were running riot and all i could think of was - flippin heck when will this be over?! I will laugh about it soon i'm sure.
The redeeming thing, i had to quickly think of to tell my sweet gal (who was also a wee part of the rascally behaviour at the party - if you can't beat em, join em!), was that her real birthday is tomorrow and we can have a really special day.

I talked with my mum today, back from England after 5 weeks, and she reassured me that all was fine and that it would be different next time. Ah mothers, they are so right and so needed as voices in the ears of party girls.

Love from the girl who really loves parties and is ready to plan her own now that the just about 9 year old has had hers. xx

Dear friend

2011-10-30T20:54:00.000+13:00

Dear Morag (not well-known as another name for Sarah, but true - according to my old coffee cup with sarah meanings on it)

Here are some happenings of late. For you to catch up on me and my life and for me to remind myself of some goodness - hence the letter is written to two sarah's, two beautiful sarah's. You and me. he he.

K has called me rainforest a few times. She is cheerfully refering to my head of fluffy hair at the end of the day as she ruffles her hands through it to make it more frizz-like.

I am adoring this particular childs ability to see and even change the subject to more positive things, when negativity is so easy to run with.

I was talking to God one morning on my way somewhere - had been thinking some not-so-friendly thoughts about myself (hadn't had some of those thoughts since me old youth days - you're a bit fat, you're a bit ugly (frizzy hair included!!)), a brief of brief convo with Him, and as my day passed, comments came from strangers and friends in the form of prayers, encouraging words and ears hearing God's message for me. All of those messages came from people who knew nothing of the thoughts in my head. Those words you often give to me Hera (Maori word for Sarah). When we talk, I feel confident again, I feel encouraged and edgy. Thank you princess.

When L broke her collar bone a few weeks ago, one thing that helped her feel better was knowing that her famous Aunty had broken hers too. Wow, how cool was she to have done the same thing as you. I'm hoping she won't head down a childrens playground slide and come off at the end damaging her coxic bone or any of the other interesting medical hiccups you've experienced aunty H! That in itself wasn't something anyone would love but a few things were great in those horrible moments!

K turns 9 this week - 9 years ago since you left for England, 9 years since my first babe was born. That is a long time to be separated from you guys. But it hasn't felt as long as it sounds. There have been some milestones, some crappy times, some wonderful moments where we've seen our God, some drinking of wine, some cooking new recipes and some new abodes we've lived in, on both sides of the world.

One of the incredibly special things about YOU is how you have an ability to help people see a bigger picture than their own reality. You have magnifying eyes, like you put a magnifying glass up to others faces so they can see things they wouldn't have seen before, a gift. You have always seen things in me that i've not seen. Thank you for encouraging me.

K is having a roller blading party, most things being done on roller blades. She is so excited. Then the next weekend she has two parties on the same day and a piano concert. To help her be organised for this, she has written a wee note, like a programme of what her day of busyness will look like. Sometimes when i ask her to do a few things, she writes them down so she can tick them off. What a gem. Do you remember when she was born? You sent me home-made cardy-posters with verses and handwritten encouragements. I often tell Liv about when she was born, how we didn't quite have a name for her. You rung again to speak with me at the hospital and told me i had to hurry up with the name thing and you basically came up with her name, of which we said YES and that as it. she was named Olivia Kate. Thank you for helping me name my second babe. I know that is a beautiful name because of where it came from. You are so special to us Sarah.

Sarah may the gift of encouragement that God has given you, be used in crazy great ways to stir people on to great things in their life. May you know the blessing of serving people in that way, speaking when maybe they feel they have no direction or breath to breathe. May you breathe life into them with the exhorting words you have floating around that incredible mind of yours.

L is pulling the funniest faces at the moment. she is like a wee drama student trying out silly faces on people, mostly me. I hope you get to see some when you pop over in a few months. She is a gifted facial comedian. She is also gifted in having something wrong with her most weeks - blurry eye one week, sore foot the next. I'm hoping your medical expertise will put that all right. The broken collar bone has eased that pressure for at least 6 weeks so i'm hoping we'll milk that till Christmas.

Best go Hera, Morag, Sez, Sezzy, Sarah. Love you big time, long time, all time. See you VERY SOON. See Matt VERY VERY SOON. Thank you God.

turning a corner

2011-09-18T23:37:00.001+12:00

This year has been a tricky one for me.
Not easy (not that it should be). Painfully normal.
It's September and I've been feeling more and more like my word for 2011 was OVER. Not a more positive word - I was feeling like life was all OVER the place.
Not Somewhere over the rainbow.
More like Woman overboard.
Over it.
Over and out.

But today I feel like i did the above, turned a corner.
Several things contributed to the turnover i experienced today.
I invited quite a few wonderful people for lunch, changed a few things round in my house, my current situation got recognised by precious friends and spoken about and we as a family were more than ourselves today. I was hugged, loved and encouraged by others today.
Life felt again, that it was bigger than myself.
Overwhelmed. A bit teary.

I began to feel like spring was entering my mind and body, like I was thawing out and experiencing the new. I haven't felt like this for a long time. It feels good.

His banner over me is love.
Over and over and over again He turns up, he shows up for me.
It's been a bland year. A hard year. But it's not over yet.

(photos are a few small areas in our home that I adore x)

love these cow-gals!!

2011-09-11T09:28:00.000+12:00

Make-up, costumes, candy floss and more of that goodness made for a recent fun evening out.

Eating K-bars, bobbing for apples, riding a mechanical bull along with other western stuff was right up these lassies alleys. Tickled pink.

My heart kind of stopped this last week with some things that came flying our way.

Felt like I was experiencing a ride on that mechanical bull all week (having only my imagination to picture or feel what that would be like as I'd missed out on my turn due to the denim number i was wearing that evening)

Things that made me feel insignificant and a tiny bit useless. A bit agro at my babes.

Things that made me want to hire a hit-man (a kind one) to get my kids back into line!!

One was over-tired and therefore rather sensitive to anything out of the ordinary. I reacted like a bull in a china shop. Hillarious for on-lookers or perhaps an eye opening experience.

A mum of three older girls came round and gently encouraged me with her wisdom of sensitive

cow-girls who are parenting slightly different than others .....

And another one had been causing girli-fights at skool and when sent information about this via text message, I went a bit flappy again. Ah my wee girls weren't behaving (he he)!

This kind of stuff throws me off a bit, i tend to over-react and then want to run for the hills.

Prayer with others, encouragement and hindsight, truth and perspective .....

are all things that helped our week feel like it was just a bump in the road of our lives

and that my sweet pink-lipped gals

are pretty normal.

It's probably their mum that needs her head read more!

I really appreciated my friend popping round to talk about parenting. I loved asking another to pray when i was on the phone with her. Thanks Shell.

Any thoughts/ideas/prayers etc are always welcome here!

No Mans Land

2011-08-22T20:10:00.001+12:00

Sat in the sun today, three diff times with two others and then myself. Such delight considering this time last week it was snowing. weird weather patterns but no complaining here.

When it did snow, miracle of miracles (approx 80 years since it had snowed in the city we live in!), I was ecstatic. I felt like a child would, screaming with delight inside and out. I actually felt like unexpected treats from the sky had fallen, landing on the hard soil of my heart. With all it's beauty, i was softened again, just like the snow (before it becomes black ice!).

It has been no-mans-land experience for me for awhile. this year probably. I have felt like i'm walking in a land i'm not familiar at all with. No drama's are presenting themselves with the man-land i used to live in. good news. But no adventure is looming it appears. It's just plain. Rather simple. Not much direction but still there is life. Life in my job and the things i'm passionate about. Fun and craziness with my kids.

Yet it feels a little uncomfortable. Not knowing what could or would be coming round the corner. I kind of feel a little numb about life at the mo. a bit ho-hum. It's not a bad kind of eeyore sort of feeling. It's more of a blah feeling. Perhaps i'm needing a party!!

Even better might be some decent questions to get me thinking from some of my question-asking friends (like these snowballs hitting me square in the face - surprise mum!)

All in all i'm not sure what is happening in my head (hence the lack of blog material) but when the snow did falleth, i felt like a surprise visit from above had landed just for me.

So I posed, just like my precious girl, to soak it all in!

And it was a ye ha moment.

Reminding me that things come which i would never expect, when i'm feeling like i'm living in big blah land. Quite lovely really.

As well as the snow - i shot a clay bird! It was a lucky shot truth be known as i was very inaccurate in my approach to shooting. But when it happened i was thrilled to pieces (as well as mightily surprised!) - check my face out!

And then, there is always a then ........ my dear heart precious Caz and her lovely friend had to stay another night with us on their way passing through (due to the treacherous snow conditions in nz he he). Liv had been sharing her thoughts with me re her dad (they pop up every now and then which opens up our world to conversation, prayers, love and tenderness). Her finishing comment was "I wish we had someone else sitting at the table ......" And then Caz arrives. Someone else. Making us feel not so smallish and cute. Even though we are - cute that is. xx

the good old days in twenty eleven

2011-06-19T10:10:00.000+12:00

We went to the local skate rink on Fri.

Oh my goodness what a great and groovy time.

5 bucks for a good time is all it costs - every Friday night if you wanna!

(photos are slightly arty as not sure how to get my amazing camera to take amazing photos in the darkness with the disco lights!)

My friends and I took our children for a fun night out.

Truth is we all were a bit jealous of the fun the kids were having and the groovy moves some of the older people were doing on the rink.

Plus it was freezing waiting on the side for a few hours while the kids sweated up a storm.

Next time, we say, we'll be in with a grin on the rink!

This adventurous child even went in the speed racing comp and she did famously well.

I loved watching her come alive!

I recall those feelings of bliss and freedom as a child, circling the rink again and again to the groovy sounds pumping.

This younger poppet mostly rode on one blade but as we go more, she'll get confidence and be a rider like her sis. She still seemed to love rolling round on one foot.

Let the good times roll I say.

The mums will be rolling next time too!

Thanks Shell and Han, bliss doing life wit u xx

Matt and Sez, when you come over next, we are so taking you to the rink for you to strut your stuff and to remember the good old days!

stuck in the boot

2011-06-13T22:24:00.001+12:00

After breaking heaps of things lately (the actual whole car, my ghd's - ah precious, cell phone dying and other helpful things like that!) i found myself locked out of my car yesterday.
This felt like the final straw of a few breaking weeks.

If you can picture the boot open, of my new finesse green car (not a station wagon but enough room for a few good sized suitcases) - yes new because the old black subaru's head g blew...... keep imagining - me climbing my whole body into that suitcase fitting boot, with swear words on the tip of my tongue, and tears nearly melting on my face. My girls were nearby (after one had closed the door innocently leaving my purse with everything in it, stuck inside) so it wasn't time to let those swear words fly around freely. It had turned from a sunny day to an icy cold massey university moment, and i found myself in the boot of the car trying to shimmy open anything that would budge. I was in the foetal position hoping that the helpful people walking by might just close the boot and let have some time out.

Nothing worked which doesn't surprise me as i'm not really the best technical person in these kinds of moments so alas i had to climb out (which was an embarrassing moment in itself). I could feel my world caving as i wondered what to do - ah yes i am a lifetime member of AA so i knew they would come if i could call them, yip phone in car wasn't helping me with that.

Crunchtime had been coming for a bit. I'd been feeling a bit tender. some things were feeling a bit big - things breaking around me was having an affect i think. Most of the time i do pretty well, but sometimes when I'm on my own, seemingly small things seem rather bigger.

Longish story cut short - i was waiting in the rainy local conditions for only a short time when my friend Shelley drove from the meeting she should have been in, to come and wait with me. I had just been pacing to keep warm while the girls were scootering around on wheels to keep warm and beautiful Shell turned up. She knew if it was her, she would have been crying. She turned up as my face was melting, just as I had been saying to God, "Feeling a bit alone right now and feeling rather agro about the flippin big butt in boot situation". And then He turns up, through her.

Love that. I laugh now as i remember wanting to use expletives, being frustrated about a simple mistake. Shelleys simple gesture of coming to be with me was just what i needed and so beautiful. What a pal, what a thoughtful woman. Grac-ious Shelley you beautiful wahine. Truthfully i had been needing to cry about everything breaking, for quite a few weeks now i think. And this experience, however unimportant it seems, was a moment to go - ah breathe, cry, whatever, let it out Sarah Julie. And I did. I felt so much better.

There is happily no photo to go with this post as prob not a gorgeous shot seeing me in the foetal position in my car boot. Let us be glad xx

Little peoples quotes

2011-06-09T21:50:00.001+12:00

7 yr old - mummy i love you so much i just can't express it. it would take me so so so long to tell you how i love you and i don't even have the right word to tell you how much i do love you, but I do mummy. I really really do (nodding her head in great approval and in a silly manner of course).

same 7 year old: Mum could you please marry a dad who will stay? I think you need to get married again so we can have a daddy here.

8 year old answer (when told about 7 year old above statement). I just wish you and daddy could get back together mum.

8 year old (after i told her that i was having a meeting with three guys that evening). Who are they mum? (Names were given) Lucky they are married mum otherwise they would have fallen for you.

Ah they say the cutest things. Ah they do the nicest things.

I've been sick this week, not feeling so hot. 8 year old was so helpful without being asked - putting her bed linen on the bed so i didn't have to bend down to pick it up off the floor. This reminds me to keep parenting positively - encouraging them in kind ways.

Hope you have some good quotes from your week whether from big people or little ones.

Reflecting

2011-06-06T08:54:00.000+12:00

I made a comment recently about how our children can be reflections of ourselves - like a mirror pointing something back at us, something to adjust or something to be glad of.
I think even when i was teaching with none of my own children, the pupils were my reflection at times.

My babes started playing hockey - just like their mum used to. I'm gladly suspecting they will far outdo my capabilities on the hockey field. At present they are mostly enjoying wearing the mouth guards and carrying around a long weapon!

They are also focusing on 'sticks down' and 'following the ball', once they have hit it with the right side of their stick. They are getting better and better, as I cheer them on and encourage them.

I can see myself in them as they struggle to have energy for the end of the game. Chasing the ball becomes more of a struggle than choosing to stay put and watch it cruise down the field. BUT they are persevering. The only goal i got in Primary hockey was a goal for the other team, i'm hesitant to announce. Fortunately as an adult, i got the opportunity to play at Sportscamp (where i was the token 'darts player or mini-golf hopeful, maybe cheerleader?) where i, yes me, scored the winning goal in our hockey final. Boy that was healing and confirming that i wasn't quite as useless at the sports thing as I had assumed! I think the same camp i helped win the ladies bowls. What a legend!

So the Mirror here is just to remind me to help the girls with strategy and to encourage them to do their best and not give up. They seem to be at an age where they respond well to that, thankfully.
When i think about my own sporting background i can laugh and be fine with it all. It's not my gifting but it's something i can always have a go at. With my babes, I'm so glad they are doing the hockey thing - they may love it so much that they do it for life. They may not, but it's these experiences that will tend to make their life richer for the effort and attitude and skill they put in and reap the reward of.

Oh bless!

connecting up in more ways than one ....

2011-05-23T22:23:00.002+12:00

I've had the best few weekends,

Precious friends, I've had my fill of time and encouragement, intimate and refreshing moments.

I felt like if i was to find a word for me this year, then my word would be 'moments'.

Making the most of any moments that come along ....

A surprise visit from a treasured trio, having dinner and beautiful catch ups over the bird-cage placemats i'd been saving,

another moment (or evening) i'll never forget.

On the home front we've made pom poms.

Hillarious. Time consuming. retro. recycling. My babes have loved it.

Another one of those moments along with celebrations that make life together, together.

We're also reading CS Lewis ..... He is so great!

Autumn has made me feel the love! I've been stopped in my steps as i've admired and taken in creation, esp the red parts of the nature trail i live in!

But not is all positive and pretty in life (like when i took the above photo, my car was loosing it's head-gasket capacity, on a trip very far out of town!) although it's pretty darn good.

this is going to sound so weird, this next part, but if you can pretend you are in my head for a mo, you might get it!

I joined facebook. i connected to that thing which i never thought i would.

And it's been doing my head in.

Yes funny i know. I laugh at myself.

I find it confusing on a few levels, even though it's meant to be simple stupid.

I feel bad if i don't want to be 'friends' with someone and click the 'not now' button.

I also feel in control (which i like) of who my virtual friends can be, but feel stressed by the mere decision.

Anywho, for some reason i find it stressful. I'm asking myself why?

Why oh why he he?

Maybe it's just new and unfamiliar.

Maybe it's just making me feel a little out of control.

As I write this i realise that

since the husband-guy left our family, I've tried to hold on to the other things that i have control of.

And fb makes me feel a little out of control.

Understanding myself more, is part of the journey i'm on and i guess this silly moment has helped me to know a bit more of myself.

Funny thing really. feel rather stupid but wanted it to get out of my head onto some sort of paper (my virtual paper) so i could see it more clearly.

As clearly as i see this wee autumn cherub

Thanks for the moments I've had with you lately, whether in the flesh or via the web!

Love being able to pick who can read this wee bloggy thing with no pressure xx.

oh a wee quote to finish - take a mo ....

Anna Quindlen

So here's what I wanted to tell you today: Get a life.
Get a real life, not a manic pursuit of the next promotion, the bigger paycheck, the larger house. Do you think you'd care so very much about those things if you blew an aneurysm one afternoon, or found a lump in your breast?
Get a life in which you notice the smell of salt water pushing itself on a breeze over Seaside Heights, a life in which you stop and watch how a red-tailed hawk circles over the water gap or the way a baby scowls with concentration when she tries to pick up a Cheerio with her thumb and first finger.
Get a life in which you are not alone. Find people you love, and who love you.

surrounded by beauty

2011-03-27T21:33:00.001+13:00

Was challenged a few weekends ago,

to remember to balance my life with social stuff

and 'business'.

New job has meant more meetings out at night, which has been important but

has meant i've been tired for other stuff. On reflection, i feel i'd lost my zing for life!

It feel like it took me ages to realise this truth.....

but a simple sentence from a valued pal or two, has reminded me of the beauty of

fun, parties, doing stuff together.

A night outside with a lamb roasted, mosquito's buzzing, fantastic company. Laughs and a good dose of Bridget Jones.

And tonight, polka dots, black canvas place mats, candles and serviettes to match ..... our wee family (eating left over lambchop), remembering good times and looking forward to more stuff in our future.

Beauty is indeed everywhere, stopping to create it or admire it is vital. It's been a life-line for me over these past few days.

Putting effort into creating beautiful moments with equally beautiful people has helped me not feel like we are this small litttle unit of 3. We are more because of our family and friends.

Our next thing is to have a daylight saving party on Sat- we're having kids on wheels in the couldersack with parents drinking wine or whatever,

human noughts and crosses and possibly hiding dessert around our garden for the kids to find.

Even if we don't get all that organised, at least we'll be doing something fun and for no particular reason except for 'being together'.

I feel particularly stupid at times,

forgetting one of the very things that makes me, me.

And i'd gotten too busy (hate that word) being busy.

I'd forgotten.

But friends/comrades/companions in this life,

reminded me.

People.

Love them ........ Love helping them ...... Love doing life with them.

some thanksgivings

2011-03-15T21:51:00.002+13:00

This lovely lantern has a small but precious candle residing in it. And I adore it. Everytime i walk past this little guy, the fragrance makes me feel alive. It is the sweetest smell around and if someone made it into a fragrance to spray on, i'd be buying it!

I currently adore this new addition to my room, the ladder holding all the neck warmers. These particular neck warmers hide in my cupboard normally and my neck and i forget about them. But no more will that be happening. I wore the stripey red one today with some new ace-black jeans. As i meandered around, i was glad of the ladder and it's ability to bring my wardrobe a splash of colour.

I'm thankful for the outdoorsy areas which have changed our life. Having grass has meant we've had more fun outdoors. We've picked walnuts off the huge tree (which i need to research more about as they are not worth the effort we make to peel and smash them, currently), sprayed water whilst jumping on the bounce-machine, we've shifted truck loads of firewood and we've eaten where the cicaders chirp. Bliss outside the new abode and bliss inside.

I am grateful for these areas of rest and the sense of peace they bring. The end of the day cannot come too quickly sometimes as I fall into a chair in the lounge, or lie on my bed with the beautiful outside view. Thank you God for our place, our home.

Thankfulness always involves these two crackers.

7 year old has given me some great quotes of late - we were watching some of the Sound of music, the part where Maria and Captain V are finally getting together. I'm sushing the girls as it's such a beautiful scene, to which the 7 year old yum yum says: “Mummy listening to people is more important than listening to TV”. (so true, so true!). And then as we are praying before sleep time last night, the same child who is thanking God for things like how snuggly her mummy is (hmmmmm not sure how encouraging that is!), thanks God for mummy's nice eye shadow. She quickly adds after that, “remember to take it off mum, in brackets”, giggle giggle. Amen. Oh how i love to be around such flavour and such delight.

I am thankful, lastly, for truth. I read this verse the other day - Psalm 51 verse 6 - Surely you desire truth in the inner most parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.

I have been feeling overwhelmed by some different things of late. I had some time sitting at my piano forte and as i poured out my heart to my God, i felt him reminding me of truth - his love, his care, his hand, on me.

I pray for His truth in our inmost place, the centre of our being. I hope that i'll be more attentive to that and not the silly-thoughts of my own head. The end, for now, apart from this cooli quote to finish. xx

Henri J. M. Nouwen

To pray means to stop expecting from God the same small-mindedness which you discover in yourself. To pray is to walk in the full light of God and to say simply, without holding back, "I am human and you are God."

Silence

2011-03-02T23:09:00.001+13:00

Even the idea of it scares people i think.
What to do with ones thoughts when one comes rather close to them? The answer often comes in that silence.
We are surrounded by such a lot of noise!
Heard the cicada's lately? In NZ they are buzzing but it has to be fairly quiet to notice them, for me anyway.
Having two min silence for Christchurch yesterday involved the quiet hush of the room you were in or the place you were at and it drew your mind, once again to this event.
As I waited I felt tears well up. I thought about a few things, people, the humungeousness of it all and i offered silent short sentences to Him who knows everything.
I felt glad to have had that time. A time to notice breathing and thoughts, a time to stop.

Maybe silence can be likened to a fuel-stop.
Or a reality check.
or just a breather.
Maybe silence would go nicely with a cuppa.

When I took that moment of silence with people all around my country, I gained something. Perspective. Peace. Refuelling for the next part of my day.

Hoping for more moments like that. The little poem at the end is a lovely silence prayer. Enjoy, maybe in the quietness of your own head or space.

Henri J. M. Nouwen

Dear God, Speak gently in my silence. When the loud outer noises of my surroundings and the loud inner noises of my fears keep pulling me away from you, help me to trust that you are still there even when I am unable to hear you. Give me ears to listen to your small, soft voice saying: "Come to me, you who are overburdened, and I will give you rest... for I am gentle and humble of heart." Let that loving voice be my guide. Amen.

2011-03-01T21:47:00.001+13:00

I’ve been hiding for a bit. Hiding in February land.

It’s overtaken my life rather rapidly and I’ve had no time or sense to stop.

Birthday’s, speaking engagements, weddings to officiate, jobs to start are just some of the things I’ve found in the land of February.

This week is the first of the last few, that I’ve found an averagely empty calendar.

Such excitement has filled my mind.

Oh what to do, what to do?

I’ve have definately been thinking non stop of my dear-heart friend and her family in Christchurch, praying for strength to cope each day with the dramas that surround her.

I’ve reminisced about this wedding I officiated over the weekend in the beautiful Lakelands of Rotorua, NZ.

I married my childhood friend (and her man), someone who I did so much life with, a precious woman indeed.

I officiated the wedding in the heat of the afternoon on the side of this inviting lake.

I had the time of my life, seeing friends who I’ve known forever, (see our old neighbous Matt!) and connecting with some I’d not been with for eyons.

Before I went away I’d joked with a few friends that I was staying in a hotel room alone and how boring that probably would be (even though I knew it would be good for me to have some alone time). I’d commented on how much fun I’d not have, eating breakfast on my own at the fabulous hotel I’d been booked into.

I recall that before leaving, with this information in my head, I took a moment (a very brief moment, not a long ritual here at all) to kind of hand that over to God. So glad I did. A short talk asking Him to watch over my time. I have to keep remembering, and I do know it, but here in lies another testimony of his goodness to me, caring for the inner most parts of my humanness.

Turns out I had a room mate. An older shy lady who crocheted up a storm for needy people all around our country. Admittedly the snoring was harder to cope with but she was pure delight to room with.

Turns out I caught up with someone that had been part of my life many a year ago. Absolute bliss.

Not sure if you’ll ever read this but I thank God for hanging out with you over the weekend. You made my weekend. When you told me things from our childhood that you had remembered, it kind of did this great thing in me. It reminded me to always make an effort with people, no matter when or where as it might just come back and be a gift! It was a gift being with you. I laughed a lot. I was hugely encouraged and enjoyed the incredible companionship you offered. You made me feel welcome in your world and not alone in my own. It was fabulous hanging out with a great man who was living and loving life. And it was quite fun testing your blood sugar with my machine. Well done 6.2.
Thank you, you did my heart good!

My livvy got a card from a boy in her class last week– dear Olivia, thank you for helping me and caring for me. From Hamish. I asked her about that when i returned home, she replied she had simply helped him with a few things at school. I think he’ll possibly never forget that, I hope she will learn about the positive-ness of helping another. What a gift, realising you can make a difference, even when you are a sprog!

It is officially March-time now and as my friend Han Han reminds me in recent conversation, "IT's Ok to say No Sarah, remember how you got good at that last year?"
Whatever comes my way, i so wanna enjoy this journey i'm on, with balance (saying no when i need to) and with all the incredible people that are part of my journey. I am particularly happy to say that the stranger-man from the wedding who kept inappropriately grabbing my butt, is not going to be journeying with me. I feel he is best left behind.

xx

Maid in NZ

2011-02-01T09:46:00.000+13:00

I am in the habit of going to the dvd store and purchasing (borrowing) 5 ish dvd's to watch during the week. I love it!

Anywho i was watching Maid in Manhattan with J Lo and came across my own wee revelation from that movie. She was a maid aiming for management. A number of events follow with her falling for this guy slightly out of her league of maidship. Disaster happens but like a true comedy-romo, it all works out. But this thing got me - she got married to this senator-type man but as the credits are rolling, we see her on the front of a management magazine. During the movie you saw that she was good at that type of stuff, organising, being professional. She carried on with the skill she had or the passion she lived with.
Just a little revelation for me - i went away thinking, "that's what I want". Not to loose myself or my passion for the things I love.
At times in relationships (the two serious ones i've had, marriage and boyf), i've looked back and realised part of myself was either pushed down or i've just let it go for another, in order for them to shine. It's not a real biggie, but its something I will ponder from time to time and the Maid in J-Lo, will help me in those ponderings. Wonder if i'll call myself the Maid in Palmerston Nth.

The girls got home on Sun after a weekend away and for some reason they wanted to do a fashion-show. Nice. I had dinner ready and am mindful of keeping a good routine when they come home, to keep things stable after being away from their normal environment.

But fashion-show, we did: Posing, dancing (they haven't seen one before so there were moves), cat walks all to Guy Sebastians 'whos that girl'. He he. Even the Photographer had to pose!

Where did January go?

2011-01-28T10:05:00.002+13:00

The sun was out in New Zealand, probably for the whole time we were away!
Delicious to come back to.

I was asked to share at church on the persistent widow (Luke 18) last Sunday. She, the widow, kept bothering the old horrible judge, in her state of desperate need. He hated people and didn't care for God either. Eventually he gave in to the rambling persistent lady. Then Jesus reminded the people that the Judge was nothing like God - that God hears his people and that He loves them. A timely reminder to not give up in prayer (Jesus main focus with this particular parable). It's a challenge when asked to speak on something specific, you kind of live in the passage you're given and have it change you or remind you of His ways.

We went to see the classes that the girls had been put in for twenty eleven. Last year we had prayed for Liv to be in a class with some lovely friends. Joy joy joy when i saw those class lists, some good wee friends that she needed to be with. Over the last few days i've been able to remind her how we persisted in praying. The layers in her heart where she's learning about how God cares, will have just been added too again. Choice bro!

Had an amazing night away in Wellington with these three lucious ones. We ate, had nails and stuff done, ate some more, dressed up for din dins, relaxed without the kiddies, laughed, cryed, ate again and talked about Him who carries us wherever we are.

So thankful for January things, so thankful for thoughts of new adventures where we are at.

We remember the time in Ausi well, the girls don't recall the rain as much as their old ma. Thank you to J and K for the gift of staying, flying, eating, hanging with them. Loved the jet-ski ride and aunty shirleys chicken esp!!

I'm thankful for the road ahead - i was not sure about getting a new job, how i'd do something i hadn't done before (one day a week at our church doing pastoral work overseeing all sorts of stuff!) but my big brother encouraged me that often that's the best person for a job.

Just a wee quote from Eugene Petersons book ' Running with the horses'. Nothing to do with what i'm writing but a good quote for me to remember:

Experienced mountaineers have a quiet, regular, short step – on the level it looks petty; but when this step they keep up, on and on as they ascent, whilst the inexperienced townsman hurries along and soon has to stop, dead beat with the climb …. Such an expert mountaineer, when the thick mists come, halts and camps out under some slight cover brought with him, quietly smoking his pipe and moving on only when the mist has cleared away ….

You want to grow in virtue, to serve God and to love Christ? Well, you will grow in and attain to these things if you will make them a slow and sure, an utterly real, a mountain stepplod and ascent, willing to have to camp for weeks or months in spiritual desolation, darkness and emptiness at diff stages in your march and growth. All demand for constant light, for ever the best – the best to your own feeling, all attempt at eliminating or minimising the cross and trial, is so much soft folly and puerile trifling.

Baron Friedrich von Hugel

Hope to see you this year in the flesh or via the world wide web. xx

The sun will come out tomorrow .....

2011-01-04T22:52:00.000+13:00

....... and it truly did.
So much so that we all looked like little red lobsters! Well the girls red turned immediately to beautiful olive tan and mine still hurts a little.

We got to zoom around on my brothers jetski at some faraway beach. He took me right out to where the ocean meets the inlet area we were in and i had the time of my life!

I am so glad the sun is out. Don't blame it on the sunshine though - too much can be hard work!
Girls spent 4 hours in the pool this morning. They got out for lunch, and then got straight back in basically. they are loving it. K has taught herself to dive, with some adult help. L is loving the flippers and the fun of bombing into the water. Go girls! It's just about 8pm and the girls have jumped in for a midnight swim with their uncle jeremy!

I've been thinking over the past few days how great it truly is to be away from the distractions of home and the attention it needs. I've been able to indulge in reading and other relaxing things that come with holiday. There are plenty of adults around so there is no lack of help with children.
I've also noticed how i've felt a little closer to cracking. Tears or whatever. feelings of vulnerability and the like. I'm wondering if it's the lack of distraction or busy-ness that can cause one to come closer to the surface of their life or closer to themself. At times i've felt maybe it's the bigger city i'm staying in and feeling like i'm just a little pea out of a big pod. I also think i've felt alone more, not able to share the fun thoughts or hard things with another who knows you so well.

I love God's timing. I heard a message on Sunday about Him, the great one. The Great I Am. He is. He is God and that's that. It was much better than those few phrases i've written. I was also reading something in the book of Luke about how Jesus was coming and how he was the Main character and us being the stagehands. Something stirred in me about putting God first again, trusting him. Not trying to rule my life or control my circumstances but allowing Him to be the one that I turn to immediately, trusting or crying out to him.

I'm asking him to flood me or change me or clean me (all of those things) from the inside-out. Last year was a good year but i ruled a lot of my life in reflection. It says in the Bible that my maker cares and loves, forgives and carries. I am hopeful that this time away, even in the uncomfortable sunny or rainy weather, can boost me toward Him and help me to walk holding his hand, not dragging Him behind as a mere afterthought.

It's time to put the girls in bed. Precious ones have hardly seen their ma today .... hoping the sun will come out tomorrow again for me to jump in that pool!

Twas the time around Christmas .....

2010-12-28T18:22:00.001+13:00

It's raining a lot - i'm wondering if that is happening all around the world and not just on the sunny Gold Coast of Australia. Pouring down, no stopping, nothing to do but go to the shops and read books. Crazy.
Of course I packed for summer weather so i'm glad it's not cold with the rain! We've tried twice in the last two days to take the kids out biking etc and as we get to the place it starts opening up on us again! Oh dear, how sad. How mad! Luckily my bro has a few flat screen tv's set up around his home for various movie watching experiences or Xbox 360 game playing.

I know it's snowing itself in London and Paris, hope you are having a lovely restful time Matty and Sez. Merry Christmas again my lovely ones.

No photos at the mo, haven't put any on my brothers computer but may try later.

(coming up - the reflective kind-of saddy part of the last few days) Chrissy day was nice of course, i only cried twice in the morning anticipating my babes leaving for a few nights. Mum and karley (sister'n'law and friendy) sat with me as i had a few teary moments. I also had times feeling pretty useless as a single mum thinking i'd only bought them ridiculously small (travel safe) presents and felt even worse when L wondered where the big present was. I justify my choice by saying that kids get so much stuff and they should be glad of the lovely gifts they were given, but on the side-line of my own coaching I somehow feel a bit sad about the lack of 'big present'. Because they are part of a separated family situation now, they seem to get double the amount of presents that any normal kid would receive, so it wasn't so bad for them I'm sure (santa bought them a WII for them at their Dad's place ......).

Walking some of this life is stony ground, not ground walked before and I should expect there will be disappointment along the way or perhaps feelings of not being 'good enough'. The truth is - they got heaps of pressies and they are blessed. It's just me own feelings of inadequacy i need to hit away with a baseball bat. Shall do that!

I missed having a husband or special man friend buy for me. I opened two gifts which were awesome and the next day i got to spend some money from my precious ma. It felt a bit empty but i came face to face with that and I understand that as reality. It's lovely being with my bro and his wife. I miss the silly jokes and the having a side-kick to share with.

Poor girls were pretty sad after saying bye to their dad. K even prayed that we would get back together. She hasn't prayed that for a long long time. Didn't feel it was the appropriate time to share that their Dad had got the divorce papers last yr (with my help at finally doing it) and it was all finito.

This is Christmas for us. Cut in half with a visit to the other parent, Double presents, enough to start a toy shop, some tears from at least one parent. I'm probably not enjoying that reality - something that will happen every year for awhile. I am comforted that others do it and that they do it well and maybe i can be cheered by their examples or their testimonies. But our reality brings me pain. I have to accept that and walk that rocky road at times.

(the cheerier end to the write-up) On the bright side, there is also delicious food, time with beautiful people, and this year there was this one nice wee treat:
Bayleys, Tolblerone, cream Liqueurs (not sure how to spell that sorry). As we came through duty free we got to taste this sensation. I told older bro about it and he popped out to get the necessary goodies. I enjoyed a pretty similiar experience at my very own brothers home, at Christmas. Chunks of ice, tolblerone, loads of cream and a hint of baileys. Bliss @ Chriss.

(oh and I got my very first Le Cruset Casserole dish - how bliss at Chriss is that! A nice wee chrissy pressy paid for by a few sweet peeps! It is one beautiful dish. Just need some great casserole recipes for that, ready for winter cooking on my fireplace all day!)

Like this quote ..... to finish off with .....
One does not always have to wait for something out of the ordinary. The all-important thing is to keep your eyes on what comes from God and to make way for it to come into being here on the earth. If you always try to be heavenly and spiritually minded, you won't understand the everyday work God has for you to do. But if you embrace what is to come from God, if you live for Christ's coming in practical life, you will learn that divine things can be experienced here and now, things quite different from what our human brains can ever imagine.

Spoilt lady

2010-12-22T08:25:00.002+13:00

It was a 37 year olds birthday in our home yesterday. The 37 year old was woken at 6am to little happy birthday talkings but allowed to sleep for an extra half hour while the 6 year old made her card. Phew for the older lady. She was glad.

The card was made and was such a kind card. It said 27! Then it had an oops underneath it followed by the correct digits. Very cute.

The small digited ladies of the house gave the more senior birthday girl this:

The day continued as friends gathered for Strawberry cloud, shrunk chocolate mud cake and lemon creme (thank you Pip (ala Annabelle Langbein) and Bec for the recipes!). Many pals met at our new place, for wine, chatting and fun.

All day she seemed to gather a line of presents around her, wherever she went. She was feeling very thought of and very blessed. parcels and texts from all over the country, world and from little Palmy Town too.

Loved it, quite stress free really esp at Chrissy time. So glad some lovely peeps could come out amongst the busy season to celebrate another year gained in the life of one person.

There were no parks in the couldersack where we live, i think the street got a fright as it's such a quiet wee street and then i go and throw a PARTY!

I will try my best to tell people to celebrate their own age-turning. But i kept wanting to pull out of this one, it felt like it was 'crazy-loco' with Chrissy approaching (no diff from any year i'm guessing!). BUT so so glad i did it. I was esp glad as I got to share a wee bit with one of my beautiful guests, about how much God loves her. What an honour, on an older ladies birthday!

37 - nearer to 40 than i've ever been. Loving life and still not feeling old. Just prob seeing it in my body! This week my mum was up and i had begun to feel slightly overwhelmed with being on my own and trying to do all the things that one needs to do with working and keeping house and caring for babes. She encouraged me, bought us bk for dinner and i know she will be praying for me without her even saying. My mum doesn't read this (as i've always kind of kept this as my personal diary), but I do wanna put it out there that she is very much the mum of the YEARS of my life. Amazing woman.

The birthday continues - we're making our way down the island to the airport for tomorrow, visiting with some LIFE friends along the way. What a special honour it is to do life with people. New and old friends. Appreciating that, all the 37 years of it.

Merry CHRISTmas. May the wonder of God sending his son to earth, be fresh for you this year. May you know Him more. Love me xx

stars in my eyes

2010-12-18T09:19:00.001+13:00

Some things are truly physical reminders, like stars, that God is near. Emmanuel.

This little girl and her sis make me smile (and sometimes scream) a lot.

Both L and K have sewn their names onto pillowcases, so lovely.

A bit scratchy to sleep on i imagine so we turn them over!

Sometimes I feel particularly useless at connecting with God, apart from rambling my desperations or mutterings to him when I"M needing some kind of help.

Ever present God. Never leaving or forsaking God. Loving Father.

I read this which encouraged me today:

"When you find yourself empty, do not imagine a mountain of transfiguration will be the answer. Sit. breathe quietly for a few min in your own room, on your own chair. Trust. Sometimes when you do this regularly, you are brought into a quiet place of prayer where you are not sure where you end and where God begins."

Moving on with a few more stars in my eyes .......

All of these women were seen by me in the last few weeks, one friend from Ausi was flying in for a family thing and the other was flying in from Christchurch for Bon Jovi and through a few texts we managed to sort out a brunch date. Old friends from yonks ago. Dear dear friends.

We then hit this dear one's special birthday! So bliss to celebrate with you Pip, love you precious and twinkling star.

Ange, being with you, even for a few hours, is fun and needed.

You are true. You are loving. You are inspiring.

Thank you for your heart towards me. A star in my eyes

(So glad that Bon Jovi helped us meet up! Thank you BJ).

We head away next week over the seas and far away. Holidays are great and so too is Christmas.

I'm hopeful to get better at a few things next year - being better at getting out of the house without causing fireworks,

jumping on the tramp with the girls even more,

(i nearly die of exhaustion as i'm double bouncing the girls all over the place)

being more prayerful, however that looks,

bike riding with my babes,

realising that God speaks even through annoyances with others

(perhaps asking Him, "what is going on here for me? Why am I reacting this way?) - sounds very deep

blah blah

Merry Christmas.

(Posts have been very sparse of late. Sorry if it's frustrating jumping on and seeing the same post!)

making lemon drink

2010-11-26T23:05:00.000+13:00

The girls and I had our dear friends over tonight for pizza.

We have never had them here for dinner, they always have us.

It was so nice having them, having a house big enough to host their number 5 family.

The girls are lovely friends with Anya. They always have fun when they are together.

Tonight was no different.

Lemons were picked, bitten in half and poured into a container.

Sugar was added (thankfully) and the taste was bliss (surprisingly). One lucky adult got an ant included in their drink.

Karen and Hugh, Anya and Micki are leaving for England very soon. Anjali is staying in NZ for another year. We will miss you, pizza night at your place, laughs, the enduring encouragement of being friends with you. I have not met anyone like you before and I have been changed and blessed by your companionship. I am glad that saying goodbye is not forever, and I'm glad it's highly likely we will visit you in the near future, for pizza and chats.

Love you dear friends, love drinking tarty lemon drinks with you.
(thank you Anjali for the photos)

Thanksgiving day and the next

2010-11-26T22:36:00.000+13:00

I do these crazy things. I think up wee party ideas and invite people and then think, "oh what on earth will i do to theme it?" or "what food will we eat"? All these thoughts are happening usually on the day or during the during the lead up to the party but this week has been hectic, so the thoughts came in the two hours before the party started! It's amazing what you can do with a few moments.

But before the party info, i want to write about the thing I'm most thankful for and most humbled by, this week. Kathy this is for you my beautiful friend.

After our final Religious Education session this morning, my partner in crime (Kathy Kathy) and I sat down to eat from the Lindt chocy box we'd been given and to read the long notes we'd been gifted. Some of the comments are as follows, some of these bought tears to my eyes ...... It's all worth it. The gospel (the good news of God) is so worth sharing.

...'The best thing about you guys teaching us in RE is ..... uh hm EVERYTHING! You turn stories from the bible into fun and exciting things. Since you read the story of Moses you inspired me to get a bible and read it for myself and I love it. I read it every night' .

...'I learned that God is with you wherever you are'

...'I've learned lots of things about the Lord and the stories and if you trust God he'll help you through bad times'

...'Thank you for being the X factor RE teachers of our room.

....'It was really easy getting up on a Friday morning. I learnt to trust God even when things are bad.'

....'I have learnt a lot of prayers from the Bible at RE. My favourite one is the Lords prayer. It really got stuck in my head after that fun X-factor game you organised for us'....

....'I have learnt about god and Jesus more. Thanks to Kathy i have started to go to church. And Sarah, you make me laugh with your funny props'.

...'What I liked is that you taught us about God and I loved it. I liked it when you were teaching me about God. Now i can pray'.

...'I really liked learning about the story of Moses because it taught us that everyone can be amazing and you don't have to do everything perfectly'.

I am humbled by the fact that little old us could share about God and that we get to see the fruit of that - kids lives being changed by the amazing truth of God - He cares, he answers prayers, He is with us. Some of the kids that wrote these letters, come from pain and heartache.
Thanks Kathy for the fun ride we have together every Friday. Thank you for being yourself and sharing the amazing gift you have, with us. I learn heaps from you, I love working with you. I love being your friend.

Thanksgiving evening was simple and fun - a few friends, we ate yummy things and read each others thanksgiving notes. Loved it. Hoping for some pumpkin pie next year maybe. Apparantly it tastes yummy.

Taking a moment to be thankful, with friends.

2010-11-23T21:09:00.000+13:00

This week-ish

Just got a bike. so excited. It looks like an old fashioned one with big lollipy handle bars (just needs a basket) but it's gold and modern in other ways. very cool for biking with my babes. They used to bike to the corner and wait for me to get there on my feet. only thing i'm worried about is the need to wear one of those ugly helmets.

Praying, hoping and looking for work for next year. Love to be more independent that way but it needs to be a stable job for me. Relieving at the last minute hasn't been lots of fun for my control-freak nature.

Looking forward to heading to the Gold Coast for Chrissy. We are loving the thought of going to spend Christmas with our family. Big bro and wifey have kindly paid big bucks for us to head over there. What a gift!

I've got some more preaching lined up for next year. It's been such an honour being asked to join a team of people (all men) to plan our stuff for next year. I feel slightly 'stupid' around them but they obviously appreciate my input. I'm quite excited about being asked which 'slot' i'd like to take throughout the year.

Need to do exercise. hoping the bike-riding will help.

Gotta wee trip with my girli friends coming up too - a trip to the Capital for a night, staying in a hotel and hanging with my beautiful friends, straight after the gold coast trip. oh me oh my. What a delight to stay with Waikanae girls, Singapore girl and Palmy girl (myself). Together again, bliss.

Planning a wee birthday shin dig, mine is close to chrissy and it feels annoying to plan something but I always encourage others too so I MUST TOO!!

I'm reading a few 'dad' books at the mo. My feelings of abandonment have been showing up recently and so i'm wanting to face it. I've ordered a few new release books on 'fatherless generations' and am hoping to be encouraged and challenge myself as well as how i can help my own kids and others. Letting my pain turn to something great is the big picture here for me.

I've gone to the same cafe now for three years, just about every day. That's a lot of coffee money and a lot of time. The relational side of me saw more than just getting good coffee. It saw a great opportunity to input into others lives, even by just being friendly. One of the fellas (barista) text me the other day asking if I could come and visit himself and his wife as they wanted to go to church. I was humbled as i visited their home, heard their story and their need for God. They want to hang some more (i've mostly only seen them at the cafe during work hours) and talk about God, they have expressed genuine interest for us to be involved in their lives. Little old us with Big old God. This was a magical experience. A thrilling one.

My darling Hannah friend made us a garden with corn, tomatoes, more lettuce, capsicum, corgette and more. It's so cute and lovely looking. But you'll note that my first lot of lettuces are carefully placed on the BBQ due to the frequent visitor on our property. The bunny. The bunny is cute but if it eats my new plot of pleasure, I've told the girls I'm gonna have to shoot Mr B. Never shot one before but desperate times may call for the gun (or the spade!). We all laugh when i talk about it, even when i tell the bunny. I'm not sure what i'll do if it truly does bust a move on the g-den.

Last thing: I sent a text out on Sunday inviting some precious poppets round to my 'thanksgiving' du. It's a 'finger-food' event (due to the short notice i've given) this Thurs, with only one task: 'please bring a note with something (or multiples) that you're thankful for.' Could be on scrappy paper, just the content is what is important. We'll share the notes round and read them out at some stage during the evening. Hoping it's gonna be a fun time.

Hope you're doing celebrating this month and next as you head towards Christmas again, remembering the season reason.

Oh yeah - my K babe has been doing really well, she seems much happier. We've been praying each night re the angry thoughts in her head and although she doesn't say much, she doesn't complain. She is bouncy, friendly, polite (all of these most of the times) and I'm proud of her. I've been speaking words of confidence into her wee mind - We're not going anywhere, your feelings are really important, we don't run away from stuff, God heal our hurt where it's still lurking ....... ah the journey.

hello, it's me again. long time i know .....

2010-11-17T23:16:00.002+13:00

Amidst shifting house, a lot has happened.

Like for example the time when i was in a cafe (last week) and the whole street went quiet as some diplomat cars pulled up, body guards and important people got out. I live in small-ish Palmy, NZ and it's not often we see the famous. Anyway when the famous got out of the car, to come to the same cafe i attend, i didn't recognise him. Yes, I did ask someone and they didn't know. And Yes i did the thing i wished i hadn't - i asked the body guard. In disdain he answered: He's the governor General of NZ.
Of course he is. Good times.

Birthday parties. We love those. And we are always glad when they are over.

Tantrums in the couldersack. I thought i was moving into this place to hopefully be a blessing to those around this area, who were in need. But on Monday morning, just before school, as I chased my daughter down the couldersack (as she was running from home with her toys, two fav books and pocket money jar), whilst having a diabetic hypo, I realised i was the one in desperate need of help. Funny now. Not funny AT ALL on that day. Tears from all three of us, despair and worry. I spent the day in shock as i felt like the whole neighbourhood had witness the explosion from our place.

This same wee lady has confessed today to me, whilst bike riding to our local fish'n'chip shop, she has had angry thoughts whizzing around her head lately. So glad to hear that coming out of her mouth. Now we can do something with that. Not sure what, but God knows.

Little lady - she has had some beautiful thoughts lately as she's contemplated life again, without daddy. She can hardly believe the truth of the fact he is not coming home. But she did think he could pop home for a week and help me get pregnant and then leave again, as she'd quite like a baby around the place. Nice thing that we've had random bunny rabbits turn up at our house frequently these last few weeks. Hoping they will suffice the baby-craving!

This little lady said she had asked God for a husband for me (I am smiling about her kind thoughts) and she told me tonight that after she prayed in bed, God answered and said Yes He would provide a husband for the mother ("how did God say that to you?" "Oh he just did mum!").

It's been ages since i've written and i've known i've wanted too for quite sometime. Christmas is looming and i have bought no presents really. slacker, crazy, ridiculous. I feel this silly pressure coming on me, like there's just far too much stuff on and i'd rather lie down under a wee tree sipping some nice refreshment. But that is life.

It has been a full-on few weeks but i'm so glad we moved now and not just before Christmas! This new place is peaceful and very pleasant. I've already had two good loads of firewood dropped off for us! I've had moments where i've felt exhausted and moments that i've laughed and loved. I feel this place represents something new for us but i'm glad to take some of the tradition, ideas, funstuff with us to help us journey on. If you're thinking of us, please pray esp for K. I am hoping for breakthrough with her so she doesn't have to carry sadness around in the form of anger. Praying that I'll be able to be wise and helpful too, whilst not losing my mind! No more fireworks from her or anyone would be much appreciated! ta, always xx

The 'together' partaeeeee ........

2010-10-31T22:58:00.001+13:00

I had suspenders to hold my torsellette (sp?) down under my dress so i didn't look pregnant, the pantihose I wore was constantly rolling down my thighs causing sausage like pictures under my skirt, and despite the last two statements, it was the funnest night out in a long time!

12 gals, frocks on (bride-ish, bridesmaidish), frills and puff included, vintage and modern, drinks and nibbles to start, photos in the square of the city we live in and dinner out at a packed-out popular joint (not mcd's that's for sure!).

Some wore their own, some wore others, some wore 6th form ball dresses and everyone looked gorgeous. There were giggles, hillarity, late-brides (of course), lipstick marks on glasses and even a garter! Shoes were swapped in true girl fashion, everyone spoke of how lucious the others looked.

It was fun. It was new. People thought it was silly. It shall be talked about for a long time.

perfect timing

2010-10-24T22:20:00.000+13:00

I have kept thinking about how i didn't want the effort of having to look for a new house for us to live in and that my procrastination in the matter wasn't going to help any.
But yet again, God has reminded me of his good plans (despite my lack of help) and his fabulous timing.
Ending this particular season of my life (although carrying major parts of it into the next, eg my beautiful children), i had felt that an adventure was on its way. I was up for something new. Part of starting this next episode in the book of our lives has ended up being us shifting house. And that is an adventure for sure.
I didn't try very hard to find a place, it seemed too scary looking. So i put off looking at the one house i thought was quite cool. Turns out it was in the same street where I know some lovely folk and after casting the idea aside, i spoke with these people - "I was thinking of being your neighbour, joke joke!" Turns out the house was owned by their relative and they put the good word in, hoped and wa-laaaaah, we got it. Simplicity indeed.

So back where we live now, life is changing but there's still time for scooter riding and home-made pizza with friends.

Boxes have started to appear everywhere.

The girls are whizzing with excitement, even L packed more boxes than myself on Saturday.

Some bits of our new pad:

Amongst moving boxes of guff around to the new abode, there are definately parties to be had!

I've always wanted to have a party where girls get together wearing their old brides dresses (borrowed or their own) or bridesmaids dresses (borrowed or their own), some canapes at someones home to get our confidence pumping and then out to hit the town with our frocks! So this Saturday it's my 'together' party. It's funny as it's fallen around the same time as my d-vorce coming through but it really has nothing to do with that. It's about having an excuse to have some fun and to wear something that most women only get to wear once.

The invite says:
'they say two are better than one. Thank you for making my one better.
Let's frock up and have some fun..........

This party is a small part of the adventure too. There are all sorts of different friends from around the town we live in, coming. And the adventure here, is doing life with them. I love it how God is everywhere, in the fun too.

Party, whether the timing is right or not. Why not?

good but crazy week

2010-10-16T18:53:00.000+13:00

Hello week, good to see you finally ending although you've been certainly quite good on some days!
Well done week.
It was feeling like you were not a nice week after the alarm clock in the girls room, randomly went off late into the night and I, being alert and on the ball, stumbled my way round the room, to turn it off.
Nice one.
Then on the next few nights, the phone left on, in the same girls room, running low on battery and beeping itself to all who could hear, in the middle of the night (of course) AAAAAANNNNDD the cats screeching the next night topped it off. So i thought!
What about this Mr week, not sure what you were thinking: The bookcase falling on K and myself as we lay snuggling on her bed. That was a cracker, not literally thankfully. The week was ending well as I could feel all sorts of pain all over my body from the 'bookcase' incident. I am grateful not to you Mr week, but to God, that K wasn't hurt.
I've had such a pleasant time Mr W, on the other ocassions that were available for niceness: lovely texts from pals, a new house to live in, a days teaching, wee presents here and there and my body feeling much better from the books and their case doing their falling thing.
The new house to move into feels good. It is an answer to the prayers of all the three people living in this abode at present: fireplace (not open!), heat pump, bath, big lounge, driveway, grounds with trees.
No looking, just divine appointment. Even neighbours who i know. Nice ending mr Week indeed. We will move on K's birthday. Happy birthday to my babe.
Thankfully Mr Week, the fish didn't die at all. They are still breathing and their keeper is doing a faithful 6-year old job of caring for them.
It has been a crazy busy week, but good. The teaching i did reminded me or showed me, that i'm not so good at that anymore and that i need to brush up on my skills. That's OK. Should have guessed it and not been in so much shock.
It was a week that was too rushed, we did too much and that made me feel crazy. I'm aiming that next week will not have so many things in it, but quality with the things we do do. I guess that will involve packing. yippiee.
Hope you've had a good week. To finish this week i'm going to the movies with some lovely friends.
Good, not crazy.

Love letters

2010-10-11T11:45:00.000+13:00

Dear K and L

I am so glad you are home.

I loved it how you bought me a candle K, you commented on how I always bring you presents when I go away and you wanted to do the same. So sweet.

I love it how you told me you really missed me L, how you are happy to be home. I felt so loved when you asked how my time has been without you. What a thoughtful girl you are. You can see, I hope, that even when you’re away, I can choose to spend my time with friends and make the most of the opportunities.

I am sorry that your heart feels like it’s crashed sometimes, as you are living out the journey you’ve kind of been stuck in. Tears streamed down your face this Sun am before church, as you again asked hopeful questions about your dad joining us. I do pray for your tender heart and I did remind you that God heals our hearts when they feel sore and hurt. I showed you what a hand lifted to God with our little piles of sadness in it, looked like. I told you that he loves to take our pain and to pour his love into us.

K I loved how you yelled out “I’m so glad I’m home” after you’d settled back in. When we went for a bike ride, I felt so glad you shared your feelings with me. I was talking of a moment when dad was younger but I called him ‘your dad’. You told me gently that it made you feel like he wasn’t part of us. I responded saying I was sorry to make you feel that way and also that sometimes it’s hard to know what to call him, after he left mummy. Good conversations.

I can’t tell you this now, as you’re too young to understand it really, but d and I are now divorced. I got the certificate (yes it was like a ‘well-done’ award on nice paper) this week while you were away. It’s not something that we’ll be putting on the wall, but it is there, quietly sitting in it’s own little place.

So while lots of things will stay the same, I’m ready for whatever God has for us in this new time. We are such a great team, I am so grateful to God that you are in my life. I would not be the same without you two! I feel like my heart has got a lot better and I’m kind of up for some kind of new adventure. But also I want to be a careful mumma who watches out for you when you need reassuring or extra care, and that I’ll be aware of myself when I run into my pain sometimes and have to ask for help or prayers or just a moment to breathe.

I’m thankful for the fish we got for you L (and as of today they are still alive), I’m grateful for the times we’ve had over the holidays together and I’m jolly grateful for u, 2. May I always be a mum who leads you to God for your strength and help. He is so amazing and I honour Him for who we are today.

Love mum

Going fishin

2010-10-05T10:25:00.007+13:00

Hello Blog page
I haven't talked to you for awhile, sorry about that.
Things have been fine, mostly, like normal!
There have been great things - like home made lemon merange (how do you spell that?) cheesecake,

sloshing around in the rain-soaked ground whilst falling in love again with the smell of spring and all the cherry blossums it brings,

winning prizes whilst sitting about one metre away from the first Master -Chef winner from New Zealand,

seeing wonderful friends,

being reminded to 'let things go' by caring friends who tell their own kids that (and as I listen I get encouraged and challenged),

(thanks Shell, love u)

and of course, there are rough things that make my heart break again - like saying bye to my girls for a week on the same weekend that the divorce mr x bought about, came through. oh my giddy aunt it rains and pours sometimes, esp when you live in Palmy North.

Liv has wanted a fish for a very long time, i think one would have been fine but after doing serious research it turns out you need more than one for it's survival.
And then it turns out you need a rectangle tank, not a round one, as fish need a 'river-like' situation to do their living in, in your home.
But wait, there's more ...... water conditioner, cleaning the tank out vigorously after you've already done that (because you used detergent - ah der Sarah, what were you thinking?), filtered water for fish survival, oxygen weed and probably a fish wardrobe and several outfits for it to choose from!
I thought maybe it would be like the fish from Dr Seuss's 'the cat and the hat', it just kind of sat there, speaking sometimes, with it's round bowl.
BUT no, to do the right thing, sometimes takes a lot of effort. Even having a pump to airate the water, on for several days before the arrival of the fish, is of vital importance. And then they could die. Even on the first day.
But we are getting the fish, when the girls get home at the end of the week. Water pumped, tank cleaned (for the seventh time), food ready, my mind prepared for a great experience perhaps with a few dead fish on the way. Ah such is life.

It turns out i can survive without my girls being here, and i can enjoy the break but it has been a emotional ride. The fish part has mostly made me laugh and think 'heck, what am i getting myself into?' But the part where the kids have to leave with someone who doesn't care for me anymore, and that that has to be a 'normal' part of my life from here in, is hard.

I'm thinking about how it will be great when this is not my complete story anymore. I've had such great tales to share from these past few years amidst all the schmuck, but i'm feeling really ready for a new story with some different adventures, with these two poppets and maybe a fish or two.

Cool thing: at the MasterChef evening, i won the best prize (i reckon): Al Browns (from Logan Brown, Wellington) Go FISH, book. Such a great theme this week!

particular prayers

2010-09-13T12:00:00.003+12:00

I'm known for a few things, but not my prayers.
I'd like to pray more because with my limited experience in that particular genre, it's been very positive.
I realised today, as i was skipping, that i often say i'm praying about something but i'd rarely directed it in God's face. Eg dear God ....... I think i kind of thought about it being a prayer and maybe in some ways that is enough. But i felt a more serious approach coming on.
So i told the girls. They are good wee listeners re my ramblings.
I have spoken about two children, Molly and jack, who had prayed for a year for their dad to get a new job and how he had. They were stoked and often testified for praying for their Dad.
As I reminded the girls about their friends M and J, i said that we were going to start doing that every day for some important things for us - a steady job of teaching for me (2-3 days a week would be luf-ley) and a new house for us to live in by early next year (room outside to play, warm, bath and good price - $10 k suggested!). Sometimes life is so simple. Tonight over dinner, I tried to make it simple. Our concerns and weights on our shoulders becoming our prayers to Him!
L asked if we could pray for Dad to come back too. I had to be honest and share that he wasn't going too because he didn't like the only adult living in the house, not the kids. She cried. oh she cried. I kind of didn't expect that but we cuddled and i got a glimpse of her heart again. I said we could pray that God would bless Daddy.
(photo - L, saying to her friends in Christchurch, "we've been praying for you." She also asked the 3 year old how many after shocks he had felt! Such big questions for a little guy).

We got a parcel from London-town this week. Precious times opening gifts from afar. Liv got a hold of my camera and these are some of the shots with the hats, lipglosses and more! Thanks again our family, we adore you and the surprise parcels.

Lastly some bubble bath shots. These are so awesome ...... we put a bit too much bubble mixture in and i had to scoop buckets of bubbles out the window whilst the girls had a bucket load of fun. Good times.

Dear Aunty Sez

2010-08-25T22:47:00.004+12:00

This is a funny one Sez .......

I had to tell you about it ...... it bought tears to some eyes!

You are regarded so highly in our whare, smiles fill the hut when we talk of you or stare with our google eyes at photos of you, reliving fantastic memories or telling stories of YOU!!

Grandma is here and loves spinning stories with the girls. They often want her to tell a story of some memory of the family ...... yesterdays was no different.

"Grandma, who named me?" said this little dear heart.

I was on the phone, so when i finished there, I had to take over and explained ........

"Your dad and I had thought of a boys name but not a girls name, so we left it for a few days!!! And your Aunty Sarah rang from London to hurry us up and she encouraged us to call you Olivia Kate, because she loved those names. So your Aunty Sarah named you reallly!"

I did not expect this next response. Tears. Little tears pouring down Livvy Lou's cheeks. Tears of joy. Olivia from Bolivia hid her face in the pillow with shy-ness. She didn't have any other explanation other than she felt special, that you, precious Sarah Anne, had helped name her.

Olivia wanted me to tell you this story Aunty Sez. She was not embarrassed that she cried, or worried, just another confirmation of who she is and that she is important and valuable to me and to YOU!

Thanks Aunty S. You are precious indeed.

Oh hey, check out my latest du - felt a little like you whilst getting my head done today. I let my friend Lee cut my hair how she felt best, i have an undercut (like a girls one), long sidies and a straight fringe again (hard to take a photo of myself sorry). Fun, just like you sez. You inspire me, even with your head! Hope you got on the bus today and turned on your cool phone, and found this nice wee story to start your day (actually its prob lunch by now! time for bed for me!). Always loving u.

He watches

2010-08-23T20:44:00.004+12:00

He does.

He watches over our comings and goings. That's all good and worth dwelling on. Simple - He, the God of the Universe, watches over us, over our lives.

The girls were in a dance concert on the weekend. Their first one. It was so cute and so worth the effort and practice, money and make-up.

What I loved was this: They loved it. They shone and sparkled with confidence.

I also loved that it was a short snippets from all the dance classes. Not a long and drawn out concert.

Later that day, i got to put some effort in, some make-up on and turn into a cow-girl who had 13 kids. A murder mystery night.

So much fun, I wasn't the killer but had fun finding out who was, over dinner, drink and pretending for a few hours, that i wasn't who i was.

storming in a tea cup

2010-08-19T22:34:00.005+12:00

Today I have not liked you.

Today was like a bad dream, a storm in a tea-cup.

Today, you were going so well, you were so on time, time for a cup of tea from the pot and maybe even a hot crumpet (rather than the normal cold one made and then forgotten till time has nearly run out).

But alas, today got grumpier and meaner. It turned into a midwinter storm that wouldn't stop, enabling other little storms to rear their head. Eventually innocent weather turned to stormy thunderstruck turmoil where not a single pair of shoes could be found for the 7 year old to wear. Admittedly she chose not to find these foot-covers but she had good reason after the battering storm had hit her, again and again with verbal turbulence.

Today was not started well. By 8:30 - AM, all three sailors in the ship of our house were crying their eyes out, weeping rainclouds upon the hardened hearts of wrong words spoken in stormy-stinky-pooh moments.

Today the master of the ship was a wreck-age. She was lost and broken and fearful for the harm she had caused to her sailors. No matter how she adores them, she felt incredible failure and heartbreak. The captain of the ship needed to walk the plank.

Fortunately she didn't, she turned the ship around by suggesting (never done this before by the way!), a total change of direction - a hashbrown or a hot chocolate at mcdonalds, before school. As captain 'sadness' headed the black ship to the yellow arches, the small sailors were beside themselves. how could a ship suddenly change direction like this? She told them again of how sorry she was for being a useless captain and how she hoped they could forgive her as she again tried to be a better leader.

She kissed them in goodbye in true captain style, lipstick on their cheeks, as they soldiered onto school with their 'good morning' reminder of forgiveness, repentance and choices. A good captain isn't one just by buying something from the yellow-arched-fix-it-shop but a good captain shows that not everything has to be bad.

To be honest, the captain's day didn't have any less tears in the tea-cup but as the captain cried her way through the day, she was aware she was surrounded by dear friends, by prayerful hearts and by truth.

I have felt quite low (sorry to be repetitive) , esp in my parenting which is my patience and grace for the girls. I am embarassed by myself, if the walls could speak. I am praying for grace and wisdom. I am finding it hard to do this alone. Today and for the last few weeks, it's been hard.

The truth is i don't want to parent the way that I am. I do some ok things for sure but i'm not doing so well in parenting alone, just at the moment.

To even talk about it with others, is hard. To admit disappointment in myself as a capable parent, is difficult for me.

I'm needing a bit of captainry myself.

I miss my brothers being around, the strong male influences in my life, the wisdom and guidance from a mans eyes, that i would look too now as the next best thing to the long-lost husband at sea. I hope to call you real soon little and big brother.

Over and out, not from the drunken sailor, but from the one who does her best to see the rainbow coming after the rain.

2010-08-14T09:58:00.003+12:00

I am stupidly reading 3 books at the moment - 'eat pray love' by Elizabeth Gilbert, 'A long obedience in the same direction' by Eugene Peterson and a funny wee one by Father pat Connor, 'Whom not to marry'.

Silly me, silly me. Reading three at the same time. it simply means none of them get finished very quickly at all. I have an assignment due on the middle one, in two weeks so that should find it's way to the top of the list, i'm hoping.

I went to hear Peta Mathias (NZ chef, tv presenter, very funny lady) at our local convention centre, tickets were $5. Legendary. She is taking gastronomic tours in Italy, France and Morroco. We talked after where we would like to go and we probably should have all said Marrakesh in Morrocco because that sounds like the most adventurous (pigeon pie, mud houses, extreme heat) but i agreed I'd like to visit Italy given half the chance.

Some italian phrases i've found in the above reading ........

un' amica stretta means "a close friend" But stretta literally means tight, as in clothing, like a tight skirt. So a close friend, in Italian, is one you can wear tightly, snug against your skin.

bel far niente means "the beauty of doing nothing".

l'arte d'arrangiarsi - the art of making something out of nothing. The art of turning a few simple ingredients into a feast, or a few gathered friends into a festival. Anyone with a talent for happiness can do this, not only the rich.

Just a few wee quotes that i'm liking. No speakie italian here but i'd give it a go even as art on my wall!

The girls got their hair cut this week (not shown in photo) and both asked for fringes, they look so cute and trendy. I'm liking it. K takes a few more minutes in the morning getting used to her fringe, putting it in the right place. L simply doesn't like it and wants her normal head back. I think she looks nice so we'll work on the arrangement of her head for helping her feel better about it.

Today L has a party which she is very excited about and K and I may visit a family from her school, who have just lost a son. We will take cake and we will hopefully sit with them and experience some of their loss. This will be good for K i'm sure. We have prayed for this family, such a huge grief, making our small annoyances in life seem insignificantly minute.

I love the jewish practice of sitting 'shiver' (i think that is the spelling). The practice is just to go and sit with the family who have suffered, sometimes for days and days. It's a practice that is in place to remind them (and us) that Jesus sits with us in our own grief. Beautiful.

This post had no real point to it really, it's a mixture of my ramblings or current thoughts, nothing too revelationary but that is where it's at for us this week. Hoping for you, wherever you are at, that you are able to relax and do nothing, even if it is just to experience Him a wee bit more.

2010-08-09T21:46:00.001+12:00

I have felt a little like Bridget Jones in her second film where she is convicted of carrying drugs and ends up in a Thai prison (thinking there is not much chance of that at present!). She says “I’m feeling a little low”. Me too.

I don’t write this because I’m feeling sorry for myself but for the simple truth that it is.

I can put it down to a few things but the feeling of being empty inside is prob how I’d describe it. A little bit like I’m there but I’m not. Running a little low on petrol (which is true for my car at the mo, too!). I’ve found it a long week or two, being a mum on her own. I’ve found the ‘sweet-hearts’ have been arguing non-stop and that has done me in a bit. A lot I guess.

So I’m trying to keep it simple, be positive and all that guff. I’m trying to remember that this is part and parcel of humanity, and that part of my faith-journey is climbing a few mountains that I don’t feel like. Parts of it are lonely and parts are overwhelming. But that is reality in a life lived in this world.

I do like Bridget Jones, she’s quite funny, she’s very human, she fails quite often but also gets back up and tries again. I could write all the things I’m thankful for but not today. I def am thankful and can see some really great things around me. I read a beautiful part of a book today (quote below) which was encouraging which leads me to say I’m down but not out. I’m mostly writing just to get it out of my silly little head, onto my cute little blog. Amen.

Hoping does not mean doing nothing. It is not fatalistic resignation. It means going about our assigned tasks, confident that God will provide the meaning and the conclusions. It is not compelled to work away at keeping up appearances with a bogus spirituality. It is the opposite of desperate and panicky manipulations, of scurrying and worrying.

It is a willingness to let God do it his way and in his time. Eugene Peterson, Long obedience in the same direction.

2010-08-02T14:10:00.005+12:00

Not sure about the new layout of the page, a bit much lace, but i seemed to have some weird things coming up on my page so needed to do something!

Long time no write .......

Had a fabulous week a few weeks ago. But in between that week and now i do remember some other funny things, like how L (the 6 year old) jumped up and down, naked, showing me how she had big hooters. She didn't call them that please note. I laughed. Today she told me mine were the biggest in the world and i laughed again knowing that not to be true! That same child told me about how to kiss. She made me be the boy (this was a marriage kiss please note) and i had to have my head on a certain angle going in. She kept her head straight and provided a lovely kiss. Apparantly those kisses only happen once, thank you movies!!

Over the last few weeks i've had the joy of seeing some wonderful friends, all whose names start with A. Thanks Ange and Andrew for the wonderful weekend when you came to stay, joy joy i say!

Thanks Abs for the blissful time of fun in Auckland, it was fun because i was with you! Lovely lovely to see Alex, my cousy, with her new babe. Delightful lamb-like chuckles came from the wee babe Cael as he tried to sleep.

So the week that was so great was a week that stretched me in my faith. I have enjoyed a closer encounter with my God over the last few years, just being more at home with chatting away to Him and realising His ever-present nearness in times of quiet and pain. It's been good. I was challenged recently in how else i acted out my faith. So my weekly-praying friend prayed about it on Monday and then Tues it all started.

I got asked to speak at church. It took me about 12 hours to say yes, which meant i had only 3 days left to prep. ahhhhhh, what an opportunity. one i hadn't been invited into for a few years. Then i recall praying as i walked down the drive at school, heading to teach a few kids about God in Religious Ed time, about teaching and how i hadn't committed to getting back into it (just one of those other thoughts floating around this head of mine!). No sooner had i started teaching, than i got asked by the normal classroom teacher to fill in, she was sick, suddenly!

My friend answered for me - "Yes she'll do it" as i was a bit stunned, and also thinking about how this particular day was the one day i'd wanted and had devoted to getting prepped for Sunday speaking at church. My incredibly insightful, faith-filled friend just told me to trust God. So i taught. I was chucked in the deep end, no plan really, but a wonderful confirming day.

And the story finishes with a fabulous experience for me where i wanted to trust God more and i had plenty of opportunity to do that. Teaching, preaching. Sunday went so well, felt like i was at home sharing about God with loads of people, got encouraged and had fun (bonus).

My friend Ros reminded at the beginning of the week about blind Bartimaeus and how Jesus asked him what he wanted. He simply said he wanted to see. That week I asked Jesus simply to help me do a good job with sharing. to be confident and for it not to be hard to prepare (esp considering the short time frame). He cares so much about me. He cares so much about You.

I guess I write this to remind me later on when i may forget, that He is into me. That He has made me the way I am. That he uses me to help others, even through my own pain or situation.

He is good.

those thinking thoughts

2010-07-10T10:08:00.002+12:00

I have seriously been pondering how useless i am at relaxing.

I will sit down, read with a cuppa, if and only if: the dishes are away, the mess in the lounge has disappeared, dinner is on the boil, the fire is ready to go, the girls beds are made, my room is a blessing to be in and the list goes on ........

Therefore i rarely relax.

I know others, perhaps many who are like this. Some are OK with it too which is quite refreshing.

Did i not get the DNA to rest or relax? Did my parentals not model it? Am i just a Martha and not a Mary and forever will be?

One could get very bogged by these questions so i have come to a few conclusions in a few short days.

I have to try to relax, esp in my own home.

I relax mostly when i'm away from my home, no distractions of jobs. I can fully engage and be myself when i'm away from our house where the tidy-freakish me is yelling for order!

Whether it's at a friends or at a cafe, I am relaxed. No striving, no jobs to do, it's amazing.

I feel that I don't need to feel bad about myself, now that i've worked out one of my personality disorders.

It does concern me that i'll never have people around if i feel more relaxed and comfy at someones elses home or a cafe. So I do hope for a bigger home and that life will work out so that I can have more people round, rather than feeling stressed about squashing a small nation into our pokey dear cottage. One day....... one day always comes.

This is probably funny to read about, but it's been quite restorative finding this out about myself. I heard someone comment on how our culture eats out a lot and doesn't host people in their homes. I am that first person, preferring to have a coffee or a treat out somewhere. Yet I am a homebaker, sweet-treat maker. And I love being able to offer that. But somewhere in the midst of that, my house-size and my ocd make it easier to be at others places or eateries (not mcdonalds by the way!).

So it's kind of a tension - being aware that it is good to have peeps over here. It's also good for my relaxation, to be somewhere else other than our teeny-tiny home. Funny.

I made pumpkin soup. Most of my pals will know i hate pumpkin, it's texture makes me wanna ........ So it's a miracle i made it, roasted the pumpkin (half a pump) with garlic and salt), sauted some onion, garlic and ginger, added the pumpk and chicken stock and simmered for 20 minutes. I looked at it with horror, what was I doing? After pulsing it, i reheated it with a can of coconut cream (lite i think) and it ended up being the most beautiful surprise i'd tasted in awhile. I laugh at myself. i felt so proud i'd made something out of something i hate. It was delicious. I shared it with some friends and thought quietly, i could make this for guests coming to my home. A wee dash of soup and crusty loaf, company and good times is something we all need. In a teen-tiny cottage or a big home, it's being together that creates great memories.

(Sarah Lonsy i know you'll be proud of me. I thought of you when making this goodness. Love to you my dear one..... not long till your birthday! love u and your heart for pumpkins and me)

Oh to finish, i've read part of a book where a lady writes about how we are in the habit of buying trim soy milk to go with our fat free breaky cereal, all to eat in a quick few minutes. She continues to write about how she likes to have long breakfasts (i assume on the weekend) that last for a few hours, with bacon and waffles, doing whatever she pleases, relaxing as she goes. Bliss. This is what got me thinking about my own relaxing. Could i do what she was writing about? I was going to try it today, girls were heading away with their d. Plans changed and they haven't gone so i'm having to put the breakfast thing off for a few weeks. Cool to have a plan in my head re breakfast one day.

Some joys of lately ....

2010-06-26T09:17:00.004+12:00

Pinwheels are indeed the blessed scone. If you ever get a chance to try a cinnamon danish from a bakery in New Zealand called 'bread works', heated for a few moments, then you will have found a deep joy that could quickly become an addiction (not speaking from experience?!).

I decided to give them a go, knowing they would be nothing like the buttery croisant texture of the breadworks ones, but hoping for some home-made delight. We really loved these, smothered in butter, but as i was eating one i had this extra thought - how about some glaze to go on top? The girls mouths were drueling. The glaze made them perfect. Dough, rolled out, cinnamon and brown sugar sprinkled, rolled up and cut, baked and then iced. Oh my goodness, easy-peasy yummy scrummy. Too many and they get called sinwheels. Even one from breadworks gets immediately called that.

I notice that i am constantly encouraged by others and that they have this amazing way of locking me into their stories and helping me see God in whatever they are going through. Amy, Claire and Pip, you lead me on a merry journey when we talk, drink coffee (or wine), eat, laugh or have melting faces. Adoration is what i feel when i'm with you special women.

This was a pretty special moment indeed. I had arrived back home at 1am after the sydney trip, and then woke at 7ish to see my babies and then get ready for a breakfast with two dear ones. We literally had a brief window to catch each other. Fi was flying out with Chey only hours after i had flown in. We hadn't seen each other for over two years.

Fiona has been my friend since she was very young (like 11 ish i think!) when she started coming to our youth group (with her bro and sis - i ended up marrying her bro) and we've been dear heart friends since then. It did my heart well, to be with you Fi. You are a wonderful and precious woman. I'm so glad we got to see one another again. Can't wait till the next time.

Joy comes in different ways - but to me it is often when i'm with people, listening to them, hearing their hearts or simply laughing with them. K said to me the other day, after the 7th time she'd got out of bed, that when i was finished with them, she'd like my boots. K normally never gets out of bed as she falls to sleep pretty quick. But this night i ended up sneaking in again and again just to have wee chats. There was something special about connecting with her on this level. L was happily sleeping in the bed next to K but as we whispered about fashion and fun, we connected. She also wanted my earrings and my necklaces. K loves my stuff, it was so cute. She thought her mum was cool. Hoping that will last when she is a teenager! Next day she dressed up for school, put this cool-as hat on and looked fab. Joy, you've got to watch out for it or you might miss it.

the girli weekend away

2010-06-24T21:28:00.006+12:00

Hannah and I planned a trip to Sydney to do a few things - go to the Lindt cafe, perhaps a little or a lot of shopping and of course to see Donna Hay's general store.

So the time came and off we went for 4 glorious days in the summery winter weather of Sydney

We stayed with relatives who live on the harbour and along with the incredible view, we did everything we had wanted. We even got to drink cafe from a sweet wee deli just up the road. The coffee wasn't too bad at all in Sydney, only if bought from an independent cafe (eg not starbucks).

One of the best things, was meeting, talking and having photos with none other than .......

Donna Hay herself. I was beside myself with excitement (sadly the friendly photographer got a tree shadow in her face - ah der!). My friend Pip introduced me to her magazines years ago and i've been loving her bi-monthly magazines and cook books since then. She is a doll. So are you Pip!

It was a fabulous trip, the Lindt cafe topped it off too. We had a blast.

leaving on a jet plane ....

2010-06-17T13:48:00.003+12:00

I have a thousand thoughts to get down on the blog - some really nice updates from times with friends, pinwheel scones and other such fancy stuff.

BUT i'm off to Sydney tomorrow with a girli friend for a girli weekend. yes, rather exciting. he he.

Still i do carry in my heart (not to get all nerdy on myself) an awareness that even in a time of selfish fun (shopping, coffee, delicious treats, new place to explore), I can see that God can work in me and through me and i'm actually excited about what may come over the next four days.

I will be back with pictures of homemade pinwheels. or should i call them sinwheels and fun or interesting stories to keep telling.

Love love, hope whatever you are doing, you can see Him in it.

PS Amy Pip and Claire, loved being with you last fri, it was delightful. as you are.

A rainy day but have no fear!

2010-06-07T19:33:00.005+12:00

What to do with our day off?

Yes let's dress up and pop over to a party to celebrate the Queen and her birthday.

Let's play games and dance

And definately lets eat

Let's hang with our friends

Thanks Han Han for the amazing fun. You are pure deliciousness.

hello june

2010-06-05T21:28:00.003+12:00

The following are some things that have happened recently in our lives. They are all individual things in their own right, mostly not related at all. But isn’t it funny how some things can relate and make you think and have ‘aha’ moments.

This citrus slice is more than an aha moment, its pure joy. Give it a try, easy peasy and ridiculously yummy. No oven needed even. (ta Bec)

Base

2x packets of super wine (or vanilla wine or krispie) biscuits

250 grams butter

1 can condensed milk

1 cup coconut

Grated rind of two lemons

Icing

Icing sugar

Butter

Juice of the 2 lemons

Crush the biscuits in blender and put in a bowl. Mix through the coconut and the rind of the two lemons. Put condensed milk and butter in a pot and heat on medium on the stove until butter has melted through. Pour butter and condensed milk mixture into the bowl with the biscuits etc. and mix through. Pour mixted into a slice pan and flatten mout then put in fridge (I usually line the pan with glad wrap as its then really easy to pull the whole thing out).

For the icing its just your usual icing with the juice of the two lemons squeezed in.

Once the base has cooled down spread icing on top and then sprinkle with coconut.

K had a homework assignment on writing about something she treasured. She was thinking and thinking (without much help from her ma) and came up with this:

MY TREASURE

^{My treasure was given to me one night. Other things were given as well like gloves, pants and my treasure. I bet you did not know that my treasure is a book! In fact these types of books are the number one best selling books! I will give you a clue (if you want to guess.) It has a cover with stars on it, gliter pages and a book mark. Ok I think you have guessed it by now it is my bible! My bible is very special to me because it has god’s word in it and it helps me learn more and more about god and under stand more about him.}

This is the words to my favourite verse in part of the Bible called luke Jesus said:

LOVE YOUR ENEMIES.

DO GOOD TO THOSE WHO HATE YOU.

BLESS THOSE WHO CURSE YOU.

PRAY FOR THOSE WHO ILL TREAT YOU.

She’s 7. I was pretty proud of that. She has to do a speech and show her treasure. I had realised the girls only had baby bibles to read from so searched and found a beautiful, small good-news version (going back to my own childhood), with a denim cover with stars all over it!

My brother Matt has encouraged, urged, reminded me (all year) to ring my landlord until she delivered on the ‘warmth’ in our house. She had promised insulation, a fire (or heat pump) and a heat transfer system. It’s June in NZ and it’s beautifully sunny at the mo, but def on the chilly side. Anyway after another reminder from my bro, I called again. This Monday I was rung saying some people would be round to get quotes. Man oh man, I thought that never would happen! Persistence pays off. They are putting a fireplace in (the open one that is in the lounge is very unhelpful with pumping much heat out) and a heat transfer system. There is a story in the bible about the widow knocking on the landlords door, knowing that even if he doesn’t want to answer, he will as she keeps knocking. He eventually does and she gets what she needs. I’m reminded to keep persisting in prayer (as I worry about things) and to do that with my landlord! Fantastic thing just happened that interrupted my writing, a family from church are bringing some wood round for us – fantastic indeed! Each time I’ve gone to the shed to get wood, I cringe and worry with the amount that is left. Winter has only started and with an open fire you use fuel up pretty quick. As I’ve loaded wood up, cringing, I’ve heard this voice reminding me to Trust. Trust me, the voice whispers. I’ve turned the cringe into a prayer thanking Him each time I’ve headed out there! It’s been a good process to go through.

I made these sweet dresses (bunting style really), for an idea i have for the girls room. They look so darn cute.

I talked with d the other day about loss. Somehow we got onto that and I had commented saying that I thought he had what he wanted – freedom and the chance to start again! He replied with comments about how much he felt he had lost. He wasn’t boastful or rude. He was sincere. I thought I wouldn’t see that side of him for many years but we engaged for a good amount of time, even with some jokes. The thing he felt he had lost, what he mentioned first, was the church family I had gained in the new town. He also looked at my photo board (reminder of the fab friends and family I have) and said that most of those people weren’t in his life anymore. He has suffered loss. A small glimpse into his private world. I almost felt like I’d gone back to where I was the older and wiser one counselling him (that was eyons ago, when we were teenagers!). Totally weird as well: I was talking to him like I would a stranger, listening to their story and asking some questions to probe deeper. I have noticed there really aren’t many rules when you go through this kind of thing, but there sure is loss. He has given up on trying, not that he tried very hard, to engage with the supposed lost friends. He has chosen not to pursue anything. Interesting where we end up when we make particular choices. You choose, you lose, in this case.

L is sensitive at the mo, maybe just normal but I’m noticing it more. She is 6. I am wanting to help her not be so grumpy, or despairing, rather than reacting to her and doing ‘cross’ voices or faces at her. It’s a little more difficult when you have a muddy situation you can’t see so clearly. I guess I’m just wanting some insight into her character to help her blossom and not wilt. She is one fabulous young lady, interested in how keys turn locks and how many tiles are on the ceiling. Her questions flow fast and steadily. Her big sis has gone away for a sleepover tonight and she could only comment on how she felt so lonely without her presence. Teary moment. Only this morning she confessed to having thoughts about how annoying she found her sister, on a regular basis. She said her mind does naughty things sometimes. Hillarious, honest, heartwarming. Later she is missing her like crazy. I felt honoured to get a glimpse into her private world too. I hope for more of those moments, to take the time just to lie on the bed, read ‘the naughtiest school girl’ and engage.

I hope you are not finding it too hard, to choose life for the situation you are in currently. God bless you. Love reading your stories and hearing your stories. When they are told, they give me encouragement, laughs and fuel to go on.

(Can’t wait to see you this week Ames. Xx)

The colour pink

2010-05-28T22:03:00.006+12:00

Today was an interesting day indeed.

My dear mummy rung to say she had called an ambulance in the early hours of the morning and was calling me from the emergency department of Wellington Hospital.

I was dripping wet from my shower, feeling a little naked in a few ways.

I imagine that having a few people walk in while you were in the shower, would be a total uncovering, never to be seen the same way again, by those people! a little bit hillarious to think about, but nonetheless shocking to think about. Vulnerability, completely - this is me!

I felt a little like that this morning, on reflection. I got a bit of a fright. I kind of went into control-freak mode, ringing my brothers, texting them, telling the girls about their dear grandmothers wee trip in an ambulance to hospital all whilst still standing in my towel realising i had to get ready for the school morning as well!

Later as I talked with my bro and his yummy wife, i realised some funny things about myself. about my nakedness.

I think when mum told me what was happening i had a scare, and got a bit emotional - my automatic reaction tends to be emotional - worry and fear, abandonment again possibly, and some tears. I tend to flip to the emotional side and forget all the important details or facts of the story. Sometimes i wonder why i can't recall things from certain times. Now the question i ask myself is: do i do that as a protective mechanism or control freak thing leaving the data or more detailed information to the side? Sounds flippin over the top to be analyising this today. I kind of feel like a light has come on though.

Recently i did the 'stretching love' thing again with the girls and we wrote truths on love hearts that we had learnt over the last two years in regards to d leaving us. It was amazing to see them write the truths they had grasped. Truth like: God has good plans for us. Even if daddy left us, we are doing well. We are a family - where we are is our family. and more .....

Today as i told the girls about Grandmas trip in her pink Pajamas, to hospital, L started crying when she saw my tears. Some truths had to be shared: What do we do when we worry? They both knew, we pray. Worry doesn't always go away forever so i reminded them to pray when they worried today.

That truth applies to me in my emotional response to the possibility of another 'abandonment'. I seem to have a 'mental' thing i do where i block out the facts which could lead to a calmer storm, sooner, and go with the 'worry-and-fix-it-quick' method. As i'm talking to the girls and as we are praying, I'm reminding myself just as much as I'm reminding them, of the truth.

Turns out Grandma in her pink pajamas, is having a lovely time in hospital meeting all the people, reading her book, having ecg's and chest xrays, joking about how she is going to catch the train home in her pink slippers, with eventually no sign of a heart attack. She is cleared later in the day and is resting in her home with her pinkness. My mum was amazing at making sure we knew she was fine, caring for our hearts, not wanting us to worry. What a fabulous lady.

I will endeavour to bring my own fear and abandonment to the Light of God asking Him for his beautiful help again. Funny how situations can lead us to seeing more clearly. Crazy how it can take like 36 years to realise some things but that those things are part of our journey.

Sarah I love talking to you. Matt I love talking to you. Thanks for your good questions for me and your ability to laugh with me when i discover how silly i am sometimes or how vulnerable i am sometimes. You don't make me feel like a fool when i forget to obtain important information like what mum is being tested for or her vitals. You seem to understand that for some crazy reason all i can remember is that mum is wearing pink today and that she has her sense of humour on board. Must be that i love clothes and jokes! Love love u and miss miss you!

3 times a bridesmaid ......

2010-05-22T20:49:00.006+12:00

I do recall that little jingle being said to me as i was coming up to and over that no of bridesmaid duties. I tried to ignore it. I wasn't going to get married it appeared, at the same time as others.

I loved being a bridesmaid, the latest one i was in was one where the Bride won Bride of the Year. My beautiful second cousin Alex asked me to be part of the party. And we got to be in a magazine! The local barista told me i was in the magazine, at the time of publication. "Oh my goodness - what were you doing reading that magazine?" i replied.

There have been 9 wonderful times, all different and all beautiful and dear friends. I'm still hopeful for number 10. Harder as you hit your 30's!

And there are more!

Bride of the year and the Lloyds do the bridesmaid thing together ......

and i've even had the priviledge of marrying many friends ..........

And somewhere in the middle of those momentous celebrations, there was my own, dated 22 May 1999.

My body-guard brothers walked me down the isle and sang with me in the car on the way to ceremony .....

The diabetic bride....

My special friends, Sarah, Ange, Chrissy and Anna ..........

Funny thing is, i'm just about to send divorce papers off, as d hasn't seemed to have got round to it. We would have been married 11 years today ...... and i'm alright about that.

Truthfully it's been good for my heart to look over photos and see the many great times i've had, many with d as part of the package. And that's alright too. I think i'll need to look over the photo albums again soon, with more detail. Maybe when looking through them, God will speak again or bring another bout of healing, or just some joy from the incredible life i feel i've lived so far.

I loved being bridesmaids to my friends. I've dearly loved marrying people too. Marriage is a wonderful idea of God's. I'm hopeful that this ditty is not true: 9 times a bridesmaid, one time a bride, never a bride again.