springy glittery times

Crazy week

Undescribable tiredness

Long rehearsals

Cake making for the show

Funeral attending. Funeral speaking. Death's emotions.

Walking slowly to the jobs i have to do.

Many, many phone conversations.

Faithfully (well trying) to connect on a level that helps my friend with her loss.

And in the middle of all of this, God speaks.

When i feel i haven't even tried to listen, He loves.

A verse from Song of Solomon on email from an long-time friend - "The winter has gone, the spring has come. flowers appear on the earth, the season of singing is here".

Don't you love spring? The Magnolia's, the Rhododendrins, the cherry blossoms. Love them all, love what they represent.

Tomorrow is the day we lost a baby, two years ago. I'm mindful of it but also challenged by it. How could this date connect me with d somehow? I'm thinking (usually first thoughts are the ones i seem to go with, if i'm brave enough!) i might text and remind him, if that is possible to do nicely over 160 characters!

Death does something, it certainly has done something with my friends family. For a moment in time, there is this amazing love and 'togetherness' that may not have been so evident before. Maybe i can hope that in being 'obedient' to a small thought (which i'm recognising as God speaking on ocassion), that life can spring up.

I bought some glitter hairspray today for the girls hair, in the show tomorrow. I used to buy it all the time or have a supply at home, so that every wedding i went too, i'd spray some in - remember that any friends who joined me in that crazy tradition? i might glitter myself up tomorrow night with my own wee ones. How much fun is glitter to a girl? not quite as fun as new shoes, but right up there i reckon.

To the girl who has my old last name

Hey my sweet friend.

I am so proud of you. You are doing so well with your study and are just about there! I am cheering for you and thinking of you so much this week.

I can’t wait for Friday for you – the end of all the hard work and the start of a holiday ……… ye ha! And it’s not even me that is doing the work or going on the holiday!

When I think of you I smile. You have the same name as me or I have the same as you. You are fun. You are sensitive. You are wise and humble all at the same time. You are real. You are deep. You are truly lovely. You are my sister. You are my friend. You are my sweet brother’s dear wife. How lucky am I?!

And that’s only what I think. Your God leaps and twirls about when you give him one of your glances. He is with you through the late nights of intelligent writing and the questions of “Can I do this?”

Praying that you understand his grace for you in all you do and that you know his perfect peace this week. I love you dearly. You are delicious.

Wish I was coming to Italy. K said that after I told her you and m were going. “I wish we could go with them mum”. Amen girl!

the oven is clean

It's a cracker of a week this week - it's show time!

We had a day of rehearsals today, two more this week and then the show on Fri and Sat at our church.

I was so proud of my girls today. They turned up to church at 1pm after a weekend with daddy and were so excited. They could hardly contain their jittery giggles as the cute spotty dresses went on and they joined the group of crazy kids for a rehearsal. Apart from not being able to keep their sweet dresses over their knees, showing their undies to all watching, they did brilliantly! I debriefed with Liv tonight as she was still singing the songs lying in bed ready for sleep time! "i just loved being on stage mum". So cute.

It's a big week. A funeral for my dear friend's mum amidst the crazy other stuff.

My friend is doing so well. It's hard to comprehend birth and death in the same time frame. A baby girl one day. The sad, sad passing of a mummy the next. I am expectant my friend will experience the complete and utter love of God as she goes through the pain of loss.

Last week was a crazy one too, but on the blowing up oven level! I even cleaned it due to the fright of being without it for a day!

I talked with d on Fri and it was a better talk than any other i've prepared for. The prep, in hindsight, was the most difficult part of it. Looking over old stuff reminding me of what was and perhaps could be again, only different. It was heartbreakingly hard to hand that to God knowing that I can't control d but that i can hope and pray that he would keep being soft to God's promptings.

It was more of an obedience thing really. Hearing God speak. Doing what He's asked. The talk was simple, he was noticeably moved about some of the things i shared. No remarks except "thanks". And that is fine. So much better than any other response i've had over this pebbly path i've been on.

If my girls ask in years to come, for advice, i can reply easily regardless of the outcome. I did all i felt God called me to do and I did everything I knew to do to save our marriage. Thus far.

I am in awe of God amidst the storm and amidst the calm.

He is everything beautiful to me.

smalled by lifes throwings

Today I quote a friends text she sent recently – ‘life is so big and sometimes I feel dwarfed by it’. I really liked that when I read it, it says what we all feel at times.

The oven blew up last night while a meat loaf was cooking.

The computer was shutting down every time I’d read my favourite blog and I was missing my friends life via the net.

The production I’m heading up at church is looming and the pressure is building.

My dear friend of many years had a baby girl yesterday. That same day, her mum died. I am so far away from her and I feel absent and heart-wrenched for her.

I feel dwarfed.

A wonderful friend challenged me regarding my marriage. Time is ticking – only a few months till it could be all over according to the law of our land. Have I done everything I can to let him know that I am still committed to this? I guess that means have I told him that I’m here. That I’m committed to our vows. That a marriage takes two people and that I am part of that and want to do the work together.

Boy this was a great challenge. A hard one in loads of ways. But I remember praying that if God wanted me to be a ‘Ruth’ or an ‘Esther’, then please show me.

My friend doesn’t deny that it is a huge risk, the vulnerability again and the chance of being rejected and abandoned once more. This conversation with her has bought a balance again to my faith in action. Or it’s bought some kind of challenge to my faith in action. It’s refired my hope and I needed that. I’d kind of resigned myself to the fact it’s over. Without much of a fight. Kind of like those Israelites with Goliath. Not a chance anyone could have beaten him. Kind of like the Israelites standing at the red sea. No way out. And God speaks: stand and see what I will do. He makes a way where there is no way.

So I am aiming to position myself where I will be able to say to my girls, when they are older, that whether d is with us or not, I did everything I could to make it work, using the gifts (those precious stones david picked to hurl at goliath – perhaps they represent forgiveness, self-sacrifice, mercy …….) God has given me.

So adding all these things up in my brain, I’m thinking there is a lot going on and it feels like a mushed up mess of sadness, fear, tension and pressure. In the midst of the storm, my God speaks and I’m glad.

Today the oven got fixed, the computer was fixed for free by a great computer man, I was able to contact my friend and I’ve begun scripting what I’ll say to d.

Heart in hand – laying it all out, warts and all, I come to you God. Heart in hand – I’ll speak simply and straight to d one day soon, but my heart will be in my hand open and soft as God calls it to be.

Today I'm Moses i realise. The person who ran when the tough got going. Today I’m Adam, the one who hid from God when he realised his state. Today I’m lots of those people.
Mostly I’d like to be David. Little guy who took on big guy. I think I realize I need to be him. His story is there for me. I feel like him picking up those few pebbles – I’m at that place not quite ready to chuck them or face the giant but choosing the right ones for the job.
I breathed in the air so keenly as I walked along the river today. August has surprised me – the weather has been breath-taking. Sunny. Calm. Warmer than the past few months indeed. And the flowers are beginning to pop themselves out into our world again. Spring. As I walk up the little hill which gets me to the path leading along the river, I want to run like a little girl in a field full of sunflowers or daisies even. I don’t, as there are a lot of people around. But I breathe in the air and smile to myself. It’s beautiful. I don’t even say much to God but I am glad I know Him and I tell him I don’t want to run and hide from the pain of my abandonment.



My eyes are often drawn to this picture. It is some of the members of my family and it just reminds me about life and how it’s meant to be done. Together, holding hands (sometimes pulling another along), laughing, talking and crying, but together. It is a beautiful picture of the help I have for raising the girls by myself. It simply reminds me of what being together is. Visual reminders have impacted me so much in the past year.
The woman in Song of Solomon talks about herself harshly, her appearance worries her maybe – her darkened skin from the sun’s harsh rays along with her brothers ridicule and having to work in the fields. Then the man speaks: If you can’t find me loveliest of all women, it’s all right…… You remind me of Pharaoh’s well-groomed and satiny mares……..
He speaks in the pain of our circumstance and as He does, I am free-er. Pictures or words, whatever it is, I am changed.

thinking christmas already

I wish I’d written some happier moments before writing again. Loads has happened since last entry, house sold, lovely conversation had with husband who is not one, producing of a musical, some movies being watched (‘I love you so much’ – French subtitles, amazing! ‘Sunshine cleaners’), me realizing that when I am agro with the kids it’s usually because I am having a hypo with my diabetes – good to realize this before doing anything drastic! Devouring a box (over a few nights) of the new lindt chocolate flavoured balls – ‘stracciatella’ which is short for white chocolate with cocoa pieces and a delectably smooth centre, – oh and one of my favourite memories of the last week – making a delicious carrot cake which turned out to be easy and a success. I’ve never made that particular type of cake and it just felt so great making something I thought I’d never make!
Tonight something dawned on me, as I proceeded to recognize the feelings of downcastedness (is that even a word?) slowly eeeeek their way into my mind and then fully into my body. Like an ache, not a painful one but an obvious one. Something’s not right and I need to invite God into the picture so I can see it clearly and gain some understanding if poss.
I feel abandoned. Yes definitely abandoned by d. I have been chewing over the fact that he seems to be softening and changing and surprisingly right infront of my eyes. How dare this happen without a warning! It’s been a good surprise but a hard one. Could the softening of ones heart be OK and still as great, if that one still chooses to walk away at the end of it all? I don’t know and it’s something I’m wrestling with with my big boxing gloves. Is it OK to say sorry or seek forgiveness yet still walk away from the mess one has caused? Yeah it’s tricky and sometimes pays not to think about too much!
Abandonment has hit me in a few areas, I’m only realizing it tonight. None of these situations are anyone’s choice, apart from d, but they still seem to leave a mark. And I choose to deal with them in interesting ways – withdrawl to protect myself, which doesn’t make sense but is one of the coping mechanisms one can use. I don’t want to do Christmas without my kids and that may be the outcome this year. It’s highly possible it won’t be, but the dread and fear of it is overwhelming, so much so that I have decided in my heart to fly away to somewhere rather than do Christmas with friends and my mum, I even am happy to go to a place by myself. Well I say im happy but that is probably just a silly joke I’m playing on myself.
When dad died, I thought he was tricking us and that he was just hiding somewhere. I thought I’d see him one day when walking down the street and I imagined hitting him for tricking me. I thought he had abandoned me or us. There is a sense of ‘where are you?’ running around my crazy mind and there also is one with d. I have said to people that I feel like I need to slap myself to wake me from the nightmare. But it’s not a dream, it’s truly real. It’s as real as my dad dying. But it’s different. Dad didn’t choose death.
I feel lost without d. I feel overwhelmed by how much he was part of my life since I was 14ish and the silence of him now. He is not here. He has left the party, gone with the wind or flown our coup.
Some q remain: How will I respond to the feelings of being left alone at the party, in the wind or in the coup? Will I leave things which are too hard to face or bear? Will I abandon the simple situations that I’m facing?
Will i be able to resist that cream cheese icing?