camping it up

We're off to camp today. I'm the preacher, the girls are my wee helpers and we're taking a few friends to help.

I've only cried once today, but in prayer. AHHHH help me Jesus.

Haven't done this for awhile and haven't done it on my own. D was always my side-kick bob, or crusty the clown! Such a blessing he was. Missing that.

It's a great honour to be invited back. It should be a lovely change of scenery, a beach and good cafe nearby, some friends to see and some delicious children to teach about a God who loves them radically.

L had a roaring ear infection on sun hence the photo of the loving nursing sister. That same sister was devastated we had to go to the doctors instead of doing something else 'funner'. She was quietly encouraged to make a choice to serve and from that moment she was nurse nicity! An amazing server is my girl. K you were a blessing - rubbing your sisters back, making her laugh, getting her drinks and making the rough time more smooth! What a gal.

Some things i'm loving at the mo:

My new brown nail-polish - hot for chocolate. I feel a little goth but it's not black and it's so delicious like choc!

I'm loving reading cooking books, i'm loving taking the time to read them rather than them just sitting looking pretty on my bookshelves.

I'm loving having a wedding to look forward too. A chap who came through our church as a kid is getting married in a week or so. I'm excited. To dress up and to be there will be bliss.

I'm loving cinnamon danish's (pinwheel scones) from the local bakery. sadly the girls love them too so it's a big cost for that indulgence!

I'm loving cushions. What are the things you would collect if you could? I would collect more cushions and even quilts.

I'm really enjoying reading other peoples blog. finding recipes or insight is really cool. I'm slighty tired from staying up later to read them.

I'm liking how God speaks during the day, even through the freshly laden snow on the hills (in the middle of spring?! ahhhh).

I'm loving watching Pollyanna with the girls and trying to collect those kinds of classics as books for them. another thing to collect!

off to camp now ..... see you soon xx

pray-ers

I remember the power of prayer over my life – the time a huge tree fell on a wagon we were in, crushing a young boys arm. I wasn’t strong enough to lift it and so I did the only other thing I knew to do – pray. The tree went up instantly, just enough to remove the childs arm from further harm and then it slammed back down to where it had fallen. I was in awe.

I remember the time I was marrying someone for the first time. I was so nervous. D prayed for me and instantly I was filled with peace and was absolutely fine for the wedding. Thank you God.

We are to pray, always. We don’t always see the answers we want, in the time frame we want. But prayer works, His word is true. He is faithful. I lost a beautiful clip the other day and I was so gutted. It’s only a clip but I handed that whole worrying and annoying loss over to God and was able to share with my girls that someone had found it and handed it into their school office. Cool aye.

I also recall the days when I was in the middle of the shock of d’s abandonment and all that went with that. My mum was riding in the car with me to do something and my face was melting again. Mum didn’t know what to do and I didn’t want any peep talks, so I asked her to pray. I remember her blumbering through a prayer of help for me. She was in as much shock as I was. But instantly I felt better, a weight of oppression or discomfort or pain, had lifted. Each time over that next few weeks or even months, I felt that stuff lift, each time someone prayed with me.

This week I’ve been pretty low. I’ve just been a bit sad and teary. Ma is in Australia and so I emailed not giving much info but saying I was feeling low. I asked her to pray. I think a few other people did too and I’d prayed with two friends over the phone. I woke Tues am and felt dramatically different.

I’m impacted again by the praying ‘thing’. I prayed on Sat, while walking around the streets in a down-town, lower-socio-economi area, on a course I was on. I hadn’t wanted to go to the course but so glad I did. Something was layered in me again, about God’s love and the ability we have to pray, anytime, anywhere. They talked of recognizing ‘mountains’ in peoples lives (…. You can tell that mountain to be cast into the sea ….). They compared the stats of the time American pastors pray per day (4 min) compared to Korean pastors (3 hours) and the difference in the amount of people they are seeing coming to know God. I haven’t been a regular pray-er even though I feel I pray all the time. I’ve set aside some time (it’s not like an hour or anything) each day to come to God with my family situation and my friends who don’t know God and I’m praying. It’s such a journey we are living. I don’t feel bad for not having been so regular, I feel glad that I’m moved again by God’s grace and the need to pray.

Thank you for praying for me. I really appreciate it.

This prob seems simple, and it is. But I needed it and hope you are encouraged. What did MC Hammer say? You’ve got to pray just to make it today – with a few groovy dance moves!

words are few, tears are loud.

It's been a rough few days. Possibly due to me being a bit of a stupid ning-nong but also because of our reality. It was such delight to get these photos in the post tonight. Thank you my sweet Anna-lady! I marvel at your work.

I've felt lonely and frustrated in parenting. I've found the girls difficult over the last few days, hard to believe when you look at these photos, what darlings! Arguing, bickering, putting each other down and not doing what i ask, has added up to me having feelings of despair and 'hide-in-the-wardrobe' retreat. I find solace in tears. I find i surrender to icecream with delicious toffee sauce.

The girls have 2 weekends in a row with d and i feel so left out of their wee worlds. I never have a problem keeping myself entertained over these times. That part is easy. But I feel like there is this black hole of nothingness, what are they doing i wonder? Where are they now and are they OK? It seems a little silly thinking about it, but it isn't a natural thing. I mostly would know where they, i guess i just feel a little left out. On purpose.

I miss D. Today and yesterday i miss him. Going to concerts on my own, going to parties on my own. Going to church on my own or on our own. It's not quite the same.

I am pretty fine with it, but some days it just rains with sadness and missing the other part that was 'us'.

Anyway something that was so cool - on our way home from the girls being away, they sang me songs about how much they loved me. they were made-up, on-the-spot, melody-inspired, kids songs. I was in heaven.

Sometimes when it seems overwhelming, I forget about the good stuff.

To Breathe (that's a gift indeed)

To think about the good times (hopefully there have been some that day)

To Cry (weeping is so good apart from the puffy eye syndrome the next day)

To turn to Him, who is always there....

Ps 18 .....v 18b but the Lord was my support

v 16 He reached down from on high and took hold of me

v 6 in my distress i called to the Lord;

i cried to my God for help

From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears

battleships of the mind

I've always encouraged parents of children i've taught, to take teachable moments when their child's hearts are quiet-ish! eg moments when they are in bed ready for sleep but still awake enough to converse!

tonight we had been playing battleships, d had rung in the middle, grandma was leaving and it was rather chaotic. And then a moment came:

Me: what did you talk to d about on the phone?

L: i asked him why he chose not to live with us

Me: OK .... and?

L: i can't remember ........

he he

Me: what else are you thinking about L?

L: about how i don't really like myself

Me: tell me about that ..,... (screaming "whattttt" in my head)

L: well my body is always feeling sick, even when you don't believe me, so i just hate my body

Me: apology for not believing her

L: and my mind often tells me to do naughty things and i don't like it (pointing all over her face to indicate what she had just said)

so we talk about telling her mind to not say those things, in Jesus name

Me: what sort of things does your mind tell you to do, that are naughty?

L: to chop my hair off (done the other day)

to push all the books in on the shelf so that you'll have to pull them out (done quite regularly)

to close the window and then to lie about who did it

the list went on with about 8 really great confessions. I loved it, so much. What great honesty. And with that, came this sincere and honest kind of thought - "i don't want to be like that, to be obedient to the naughty thoughts."

so i encouraged her and told her i thought she was way more special than she was naughty! So true. what a delicious bubble of joy that girl is to me.

I am always glad, when the moment arises and when i take it, to have a glimpse into their minds. Hers is alive and composed and open to her God.

L is also brilliant at battleships, at the ripe age of 5!

PS sorry no photos, haven't taken many recently.

the importance of prayers

prayers from tonight

God bless Anna. Thank you that she took photos of us. I pray that her project would go really well .......

and a long, long prayer from the next one .....

God please bless mummy and kaiya and me .....

heal the people who are sick, shine your light on people who don't know You ......

crying (because mummy cut her off) ... "I didn't say Amen and i'm not finished!"

Sorry Liv.

More praying. Amen.

mean mummy

Some of the latest conversations:

“Mum this sucks, I hate being sick. It’s going to last forever. I’ll never be able to go back to school. But I love being home with you mum, doing special things”. What a brave wee poppet. How annoying for her.

“Oh mum this day is just so great, going to the river and then a party, and then havng our photo taken (with a friend doing an assignment) and even going to dinner after that with some friends. What a great day.” This one fell in the mud at that dinner and was quite distraught as I kept asking her to show her muddy-bottomed jeans to everyone! It was a delicious day with so many facets to it. Falling over and everything just added to it. We tried to refocus on the positive things at the end of the day when mostly tired feelings were surfacing.

L had been sick for the 4^th day with an upset tummy. She fell over in the river, had various scrapes over her body and then to top things off, she stood on glass at the photo-shoot. Such a brave wee poppet. Sometimes these things make me go crazy so I’m really trying to remember to give cuddles and reassurance that everything will be alright!

The girls whispered something one evening recently and after a few q I found out what they had whispered: “sometimes mummy is mean”. The statement had been agreed on. I wasn’t too upset when hearing this, I was sorry that they felt I was but we talked about it. I loved mocking them as I brought out the jelly I’d made that day covered with icecream and sprinkles, saying “Here is something from the mean mummy”. I was the best mummy then. Love the honesty, love to talk it through trying not to be threatened by it. K was told by a wee lad in her class, that he wanted to marry her. She was tickled pink and told me with absolute freedom, giggling with excitement. I am so glad she told me. I hope that she will keep telling me and that I will react appropriately, even if I’m shocked!

I realized the joy of the changed response tonight. I have been given the gift of being able to give a different response, after 18 months of giving the same one. It has been broken record material for a long time. Tonight when a special lady asked me how d was, I was able to give a more positive report. I was able to say that finally I was able to say something good – that he is doing better it seems. Praise you God, there is good news always with you. Even though I don’t see daily what progress is happening with d, I am so glad of the small times I’ve seen over the last month. And it’s good to share, finally. God keeps pursuing us, even if we give up. He has never stopped pursuing d, it’s just that d has maybe softened or responded or something. It’s cool to see, in a world where there is often bad news. Ye ha for that.

It just reminds me of simplicity – of keeping praying despite what our eyes see and of trusting and being obedient when we don’t see fruit but knowing that He is faithful and able to do immeasurably more than we ask or imagine.

I am glad for these stories I’ve seen. I’m glad because they remind me of You God and how you move when people have such little faith. As I tell the small stories of greatness, my faith is fueled again.