voices in my head?!

Well there definitely aren’t spooky voices telling me to do dumb things. Thankfully. But there are the voices of the wise around me, that I am so grateful for. Sometimes I get out of balance with what I’m thinking – someone like d, who was a once trusted and dear voice, says something totally unrecognizable and I start wondering: emmm maybe I do need a job, or maybe I am not clothing the girls well. Ha. The funny things we get thrown at us. It has become confusing at times for me, to hear these voices or messages which conflict with what my heart thinks and what my mind knows is OK and true.
So new thoughts, confused babblings rattle around in my once semi-sane head and I begin to doubt myself. There are a few things happening for me here – I could and would entrust myself to d’s wisdom and solid advice. It seemed godly and it was. Now it’s a bit twisted, slightly mental, crazy infact. The gracious side of myself thinks that maybe I’m the mean one. I weigh up the things he throws at me and I toss them around a bit even though I defend myself infront of him, in a mostly nice way. The words of one are powerful, that is written in the word and I’ve believed that as truth for an eon. But how they can throw my balanced life, has struck me in this season. I doubt some of the clear thinking and I’m like “why am I suddenly being tossed about on the sea like a boat going everywhere except for it’s destination?”
And then these still soft messages come. And I am glad of them. They come from delicious family and delightful friends. The ones who tell me it’s OK and that I don’t need to do things that are thrown at me. They help me get balanced again on this ragged road. I am so glad of the wise sages amongst me. The friends who say beautiful things which bring peace and not hostility.
The other beautiful thoughts come from my God. He whispers, reminding me who I am, of how to say sorry when I need too and of small but beautiful ideas and ways to mend where there are big tears in the fabric of our life.
I love it that You desire truth in my inmost being (Psalm 50) and that You want to walk with me still. You are an incredible God.
As a family we are doing lent, considering the girls are so young – it’s a very fluid form of lent. Lent is from the 10th century. Wow. We were talking about fasting from something and K thought I could ‘give-up’ using my cross voice! I asked her if she could consider giving up ‘not doing what mummy says so the cross voice has to come out!’. We all laughed and made it a joke. The girls talked about giving up playing with toys, eating fruit and vege (don’t think they got it at all when we first talked about it) and other musings. It’s such a lovely practice. It will be something that grows each year as we continue to journey with Him. Lent will perhaps become part of the make-up of our family, I hope so. K said the other day :”Mum, the Israelites had faith to leave Egypt didn’t they?!” Yes they did. What did this mean to her and where on earth did she get those words? God is adding layers and layers of himself as we discuss Him and read about Him and sing of Him.
I told the girls how God is looking after us (in a financial sense) and how he had blessed us in lots of ways. As we were walking to school today I explained about how I had seen k’s dressing gown was a size 3 and because she is 6 now, we needed to buy a bigger one. I then told her that I told God that we needed one please! 2 days later a friend gave us a size 8 one without me mentioning it! I was so stoked. K was more impressed with the fact that it was purple than the fact God had given it to us. That’s OK, she’ll get it, layer by layer.

Every cloud and it's silver lining

Isaiah 50 v 10-11
Who is among you who fears the Lord, who obeys the voice of His Servant, yet who walks in darkness and deep trouble and has no shining splendor? Let him rely on, trust in and be confident in the name of the Lord and let him lean upon and be supported by his God
Behold, all you (enemies of your own selves) who attempt to kindle your own fires (and work out your own plans of salvation), who surround and gird yourselves with momentary sparks, darts and firebrands that you set aflame! – Walk by the light of your self-made fire and of the sparks that you have kindled. But this shall you have from My hand: you shall lie down in grief and in torment

Some q’s I’m thinking of when I try to look at my own heart are:
As I walk along this path I’m walking, am I trusting in myself again?
How do I put that ‘trust in God’, to action daily? What does that even look like? I guess it’s – how do I rely on, trust in and be confident in the name of the Lord, leaning on and being supported by my God, as a daily thing?

I conversed with d the other night, asking him some hard-ish q. “Are you going to become reconciled to us? Are you going to make things right?” The mere fact I even launched into any q was huge as I hadn’t talked honestly with him for a very long time, it’s been too hard to talk, being fearful of what he may answer. I neednt have left it so long as the fears were immediately met with the responses I imagined he would give. He was hard. He was mean. He answered every question with a q of his own. I was slightly stumped but as he finished, he was going to be honest but he stopped himself and said it was time to go. Maybe there are things that have never been said, that he needed too?
How do I turn this into the positive? Well I’m feeling rather vulnerable but quite brave in my response to God: Search me O God …….. let offense ways, my own sparks and fires that I have kindled, let them be put out. May you search my heart and change me.
I haven’t really had that attitude, I’ve thought that it might just happen naturally along this journey.
So I rung d back 5 minutes later and asked for a few moments of his time. I said I was sorry for ambushing him. I said that I loved him and missed him and that above all the stuff that had happened, I felt for him. I told him I had a heart for Him. I told him if he ever wanted to talk to someone (he had said no one really was asking him how he was) he could talk to me. I was emotional. I was honest. I showed him, for the first time in ages, that I cared.
The phone call ended with him saying he didn’t want to talk to me.
And no matter how hard that was, it was a sacrifice I made because I felt to do that. I don’t know what it did and I’m sad as I think about it, but I want to trust God that I followed his leading. I felt like a mug but maybe being a mug is OK (as a dear friend suggested once).
The cloud is easy to see, sometimes the silver lining isn't.

We’ve been singing “I’m 5, I’m 5, I’m a big boy now I’m 5!” and you don’t even crack when I try to trick you with the ‘boy’ bit. You are 5 and are so ready for it!
I am so glad of you Liv. You make me smile so much and now you are 5. There will be more smiles this year.
When I take the time to be with you, down at your level, it’s so worth it. The gems of creativity and thought come flying out, I’m hopeful your teachers and peers get to see that this year.
I am in awe of your thoughtfulness, your responsible attitude in daunting tasks, when you say: “I can’t do it” and you jolly well can. I love it how you love the truth in black or white, how you love to do wee tricks and how you absolutely love people! I’m sorry when people don’t react the way you expect them too, but I’m glad you have been taught to smile and greet people so they feel special. You are a darling at that!
I am sorry for the times when I’ve used my growly voice, way too much and when you have to block your ears. I am thankful for your graciousness towards me and how you can pray and make my world seem at peace for a few great moments.
I trust you will make the most of being 5 and that as much as I feel I help you by being your mummy, that by being who God has made you to be, you will bless me just as much.
You are a cracker Liv, you are a funny wee poppet who makes jokes and who gets others jokes. I pray that God would bless you and that he would keep you and that he would make his face shine upon you. I pray that the deep yearnings of your heart would be met this year and that you would understand that nothing is too difficult for God and that He has great and awesome plans for us.
Love u my precious girl.

Must Trust

I heard the best talk on new years resolutions the other day. It wasn’t a talk that made you walk away and feel pressured to do anything or you would die but a challenge to sit down and do the following: To think of or write a list of things that needed to be left behind from 2008 and also a list that could be added to your life for 2009.
I told a friend I had thought of one or two to let go of: to stop swearing as much as I have this year (to stop basically!), to pray more with friends when they are with me – for it to be a natural thing between friends.
Walter Brueggeman writes about anniversaries (I’ve said this before sorry) and how they cause us to have a look backwards at all the good things but to plan for the future looking forward to what it may bring!
I was in Sydney when I started writing this: we only have one more flight to get home and it’s been an amazing trip home thus far. I have feared it to be honest – the length but also the fear of going home to ‘who knows what! They went quickly, the second one where we just watched loads of movies!
(now at home) Last year was painful but incredible. I saw the blessings and on most days, they outweigh the sludge.
Returning home was probably harder than I’d expected. I was looking forward to being at ‘home’ as I often yearn for the ‘familiar’ but I’d been surrounded by family for over 5 weeks and that was comforting and warm. The night I got home, after fussing with suitcases, I suddenly realized I was all alone and I became aware of my sense of smell. The place we live in, smelt like it did when we first moved in last year. It was a horrible reminder, instantly, of the year that had been. Ahhhh I wasn’t expecting that!
Funny how smell can do that. or maybe it’s not funny! The challenge I’ve felt after processing some of this is quite a biggie: Can I really trust God, no matter what the outcome? Another way I’ve worded this is: can I really trust God with the outcome – giving him all my hopes for our future considering how it really truly looks like d is so far away from the miracle I yearn? Can I say: I trust you God. I trust you God. I truly trust you.
I’m hoping I can say that. It feels big, like I’m letting go of the ‘gutsy miracle faith’ that I had, that seems slightly dwindled now, a year later.
It is a choice and I am hoping to walk in that over these next few weeks.
Here is a great poem to finish with, not my own, but a great one which will perhaps land itself on my wall soon!

O love thou wilt not let me go
I rest my weary soul in thee
I give thee back the life I owe
That in thine ocean depths
Its flow may richer, fuller be

O joy that seekest me through pain
I cannot close my heart to thee
I trace the rainbow thru the rain
And feel the promise is not vain
That morn shall tearless be

George Matheson

Mattchew

Wow Matt. You are an incredible man. I think of you with such a big smile. You have lit up my life while I’ve been with you. I’ve kind of felt like a ‘groupie’ as I’ve just wanted to be round you. You are kindly spoken. You are tough when you need to be, with the girls or others. You have a hilarious and naughty sense of humour. I adore that. These are all things I knew but how refreshing they are.
You ask great questions and you don’t mind tears. You allow crying and don’t seem to freak out but perhaps even join in. It is a wonderful thing to cry with someone. Not a weakness but a strength.
You have cared for us like a ‘dad’ would, maybe like a husband would (that’s a bit weird to say as you’re my bro!). I have wished before, that I married someone just like you. I can’t change who I married but I really like your role model of a ‘man’. I know you’re not perfect either. But I thank you for the ‘man’ you are growing to be.
There are many things we can try to achieve in life, but to be someone that loves people, is a true asset. People are so important. You love people, even the weird ones.
Thank you for loving me. I am so glad you are my brother and my friend. I thank you for asking the right questions and for being OK with hard answers. I thank you for your advice, for your wisdom. The stories you tell, even if I’ve heard them before, are so fresh. They crack me up and make me feel more part of your world.
Love u, sez
PS we are quite old now aye!

They call them 'talkie-walkies'

The girls got given walkie talkies for Christmas. What seemed like an amazing pressie for them, turned out to be a wonderful gift for us all.
Funny thing being in London: There are a lot of things to do yet it’s harder to find ‘outdoorsie’ things, as the temperature is quite low around town!
My bro took us to a park, which was all ‘land’, but with the added bonus of herds (?) of deer, we were loving that. Livvy was keen to chase the deer with her Uncle even after we read the sign about not going too close to Bambi.
But on another particular day in London, it was particularly cold so the ‘park’ option was out. We got to thinking and wondered if we could play some kind of ‘hide and seek’ game down the street amongst the shops, using our new toys as the main mode of communication. Suddenly our idea developed and we had made up a fab game, which needed to be played completely inside a 4 story department store. This game we made up was a cross between hide’n’seek, 20 questions and ‘go-home-stay-home’. It was hilarious and exciting. We hid in teams and the losing team were the one who took loads of questions to find the other team, all within lingerie, shoes, fragrance, more shoes, homewear and a cafe. I really had to keep my focus. Nobody seemed to mind us playing our adventure in their store. Infact I found some of the workers rather helpful. Some were perhaps jealous of our new toy, which has a 3km range.
I guess as this is the last week of being here, I’m thinking some things: I’m thinking that it doesn’t matter what we do, we seem to have a great time being together. The temperature was 3 degrees today and the girls were happily going along with what matt and I had told them: We were all going out for coffee and then to a movie, which was a movie for adults. The girls would play on the ground with their toys while we enjoyed the movie. No complaints, just acceptance. We had tricked them a ‘goodie’ and took them to see ‘Bedtime stories’ which was a fantastic watch.
I guess that sums it up. Being together, through rough and good times, strengthens our bond and our love for one another.
London is fun and fantastic and different. But what is the best is being with them. My family.

What i remember of a fabulous day

It was incredible waking up to K kissing me saying “Merry Christmas mummy”
It was the same having my bro arrive and us talking to our bro and famiy in Australia. We were on the phone for 2 hours whilst making pancakes, showering, reading new books to the girls and getting ready for our day.
It was surreal, cute and a blessing opening a few presents with my family. It felt a bit small. We were a small no on this day. But it was beautiful and fun.
I loved going to friends in London, where M and S live. We had our lunch at 3:50 and it was 6 courses. Sadly we needed to leave at around 8 as the girls were tired but it was a wonderful, drawn out affair. There were twinkling fairy lights, kids playing happily, swimming in our undies (well the girls anyway), movie watching, wine drinking (juice for the kids), nibbles, Christmas shaped cookies, Italian soup, salad (made of pamham, lettuce, mozzarella, figs and dressing, risotto, lamb shanks with potato, and snow peas, incredible cheesecake, coffee and a cheeseboard).
There were a few moments where I felt alone, but nothing that was ridiculous. I have thought about how I could draw my strength from God and my thoughts to God more as I come up against these feelings. It’s not a natural thing to do so I tend to just breathe in and think about something else. I am hopeful for a real training of my heart in this area.
There were tears. A gorgeous Danish woman sharing a bit of her story, her loss of a child and her finding that God chooses people who aren’t worthy or deserving of His choice. Yet he chooses and I am encouraged.
Thanks God for Christmas. We talked about why you may have chosen to have the King of Kings born in a stable and not a more royal place. The girls had a few ideas and it was a good discussion. The more we talk about you, the more you get glorified and the more we sense you in our lives. Today was a great day, thanks.

A day in Brighton

It’s hard to think of going to the beach when you are staying in London. It kind of feels like it doesn’t fit. Where we are flatting is in Clapham junction, straight opposite a line of take-away restaurants, above and next door to a hairdressers and an organic shop, also across from a major supermarket and right down the road from the Junction. This Junction is a busy place, all of the time, where trains and buses run on strict timetables. It’s a hive of activity. It’s very cool.
At night you can hear sirens blaring, people yelling, loud music and the hustle bustle of the traffic non-stop. It’s amazing how peaceful it can be inside, away from it all, yet hearing it quietly (and sometimes loudly) in the background. It’s crazy. It’s different. It’s London.
So going to Brighton on the train, was a peaceful experience. It is still a bustling town but as you walk down the main road from the top where the station is, you hit the beach. A beach made of pebbles and a calm, peaceful part of the ocean. Wonderful!
We visited the Pier where there were some more wonderful fun rides for the girls. We had fish’n’chips at a cute restaurant where I was asked by a foreigner if my brother and I were thinking of having anymore children. Of course I couldn’t be bothered explaining he was my brother, so I just said “oh we’re still thinking about it”.
We had the most amazing coffee at this café owned by Australians and it was just such a nice day. Everyone else was in a Christmas Eve rush, but we were just cruising along, doing our ‘beach visiting’, patting strange dogs and watching out we didn’t get bashed by ‘Mr Christmas Rush’ with her many bags of shopping!
To finish with, I really like this quote from a book I’ve been reading, as I’m trying to think and act on having Christ more at the centre of me.
Living in us
I don’t want to be the first among a list of values; I want to be at the center of everything. When I live in you, then together we can live through everything that happens to you. Rather than a pyramid, I want to be the center of a mobile, where everything in your life – your friends, family, occupation, thoughts, activities – is connected to me but moves with the wind, in and out and back and forth in an incredible dance of being.

Hello Birthday

Here you are again. It was good to see you, thanks for coming. You seem to come up quickly yet it takes a long time for you to appear. This year you were kind to me, considering how I felt about you arriving. There was no cake though. Our birthdays always have cake. I think I forgot and also couldn’t be bothered. But it was a fine and fun day, thank you Birthday.
We went out for lunch after church, with some friends. I ate cake then – a citrus tart at a French pasterie. Delicious. It’s always important to have you turn up, Birthday, so there is another good reason to eat delicious things.
When you turned up Birthday (and even before you had turned up), I got some lovely presents: In NZ I got a chocolate cooking book (Donna Hay), a Rhubarb white plate with red dots (lovely), a K-Mix blender, a notebook, a book of poetry with a pashmina, a mag subscription for 'dish; and here in London I got a groovy skirt, a matching top, some Lindt chocolates, 4 tops and beautiful cards.
Indeed I was spoilt.
Thanks for coming birthday. I didn’t think I’d enjoy your presence but it was a pleasant surprise. A quiet and peaceful day, a few extra cuddles due to you turning up, not much thought of sad things.
A good day. You can come again. Many times.

The day before

The day before this day was a cool day for the girls regarding those flowers. We have been overwhelmed with flowers this year, mostly because we ask the flowershop next door if we can have their leftovers. But we’ve also been given a bucket load and I’ve really loved it. Who wouldn’t?
These flowers were special and really made me appreciate the thoughtfulness of them. And they weren’t even for me.
Today has been a hard day and I have no idea why. It felt a little like I was walking through sludge, with jandals on. It was a beautiful day weather wise, unlike the german Christmas one, so that wasn’t affecting my mood. Even as I write this, I’m not sure what came over me. It is however my 35th birthday tomorrow. It’s definitely a call for celebration – mum says so anyway. I’ve survived 35 years, or more like she has! I am very far away from home, as I know it and that should be a good, no a grand thing. And it is. But inside I feel a deep sense of loss. I want d to be here to help me celebrate. Well I don’t want him here like he is at the mo. But I miss his company and him doing this stuff with us, as he was.The nice d. Funny how you can want to be with someone, even when they’ve been a jerk.
I can’t even understand why I am feeling sad regarding that. I guess my body (designed amazingly by God), lets me feel these things, so I can deal with whatever it is that is coming up. It is confusing though.
I am BIG into celebrations, but don’t really feel like celebrating. Of course it will be lovely but today I deeply feel the loss, again, like at K’s 6th bday. Strange, but real. I’m just trying to acknowledge those feelings and not push them down, I say, justifying myself. Also I know he will ring tomorrow, and that is hard. He won’t be ringing for me, but it’s Sunday and that has routinely been the day he calls while we’ve been away. I wonder what I would say if he asked to speak to me and said “happy birthday”. I wonder how I’ll feel if he doesn’t acknowlege it at all.
So wearing my jandals, I will go on. There are always good things to think about. I think, wearing my jandals on this sludge-walked day, I will acknowledge God. I am feeling that I haven’t talked or communicated to Him for a very long time, so here goes:
God I give all this stuff to you today. I offer it to you, dirty and all. My feelings of loss and sense of ‘Ahhhhh where do I belong?”, I offer to you. It feels like a weird sacrifice, but a needed one. You have said you would not leave me or forsake me and You have said your plans are good for me (and my family). I thank you for that. Please take the loss of my heart and use it. I Honour you my God, you are my Prince in more ways than just one.
The flowers, given by a friend of my bro, a delicious French man who together with his wife, have loved meeting the girls. They were heading away on their Christmas break and he met with us briefly to say goodbye and he met the girls with a flower each. I was so touched for them. What a godly and wise gesture from a person who has met them 3 times maybe. What a way to show the Father’s love, to delicious girls who need to see that more than ever. Thank you God for the love you show, through flowers and others.

map reading 4 girls

Navigating our way around London is mostly fine. Mum did comment today that her map reading skills weren’t that good. I think she does pretty well for 60, but we clashed a bit with our differing views of how to get places, which was funny (not at the time) as neither of us really had any clue, and if I was honest, she had more of a clue than me.
Amongst the annoyance of taking a long time to get to our destination, somewhere in there, I just felt like crying. It came over me for a brief moment and I pushed it aside, as there wasn’t any time for crying amidst the winter wonderland we were experiencing. There were rides, german sausage, mulled wine, more rides and stalls galore to explore. It was a fun time at Hyde park ‘Winter wonderland’. I think navigating the toilets (which you had to pay 30p to use), loaded trains at non-peakhour times, bad bad coffee, the 12 million people (some rude), I just felt a little overwhelmed. I soon got over it and the rest of the day was lovely.
I was reminded later that day as I talked with my bro, that it’s about choices. Little did I realise that again I wasn’t talking to anyone but myself. I have choices each day to make about how I’ll react and some days I fail miserably. Today was a bit of a failing but yeah that tomorrow comes and we get to start again and try a different route to get to where we’re going.
Also it was toe-biting frozen today. I was warm all over (thank the Lord for Merino) apart from my face. And it really felt it, my poor wee face. Even the girls commented on the temp. I have been impressed with how great the weather has been but not now. I am living in my freezer. When outside anyway.

Some deeper musings

Some groovy things of late ….
Matt, my tender hearted bro, giving me quite a few pounds to spend on myself, thus far I’ve bought Tana Ramsay’s new cooking book, Dawn French’s ‘Dear Fatty’ which is a very funny read, and some leather gloves (sounds nerdy but I’ve always wanted some)!
Going out for Thai with my wonderful Sarah (gorgeous friend and matt’s wifey) and catching up
Making Christmas decorations with the girls – sewing even!
Watching ‘Flight of the concords’ and ‘Arrested development’ (TV series) which I’ve found particularly funny (not at all educational, just funny!)
Reading a few books – the Shack, Dear Fatty and ‘the curious incident of the dog in the night-time’ (a book about an aspergeous syndrome kid)
Having family come round most nights to hang out
Of course tripping around London most days has been spectaular!
Making a Home made tree, thinking it might make the next ‘home and garden’ Christmas edition magazine!
Mum and I have had quite a few laughs, at each others expense and we’ve also worked as a pretty good team, as bossy as each other!
Finding a Milly Molly Mandy Chapter book for K to read, her first ever chapter book which she is in love with!
Girls loving being here, far away from everything normal. They are adoring seeing their Uncle and Aunty and all their special adult friends.

Dumb things of late ….
The girls loving chocolate croissants too, that means I need to buy more than one when I’m feeding my own addiction!
Being sick with the flu and the embarrassment of nearly breaking my ankle, after only falling down one stair, in Paris!
L being sick, for quite a few days with a very high temp. That has worried me a bit. Funny thing was today when she said “dumb-Lord” (her expression to God after him supposedly not answering her prayer!), she was better within 20 minutes. It was a dramatic change in her physical well-being. That was a good thing.

This month, a year ago, our lives as we knew it fell apart. It hasn’t made my time stink, but I do think about it, esp over this last weekend. It is good (not a dumb thing) to look over and see how much God has done in and through us this year, it’s hard to express actually but I know that I am different. There is pain and there is death and there is resurrection. I guess I’m hopeful again, that this next stage is the ‘resurrection’ stage. The stage where we all look different, where we are changed (almost unrecognizable), and where we are alive. The control freak in me wishes that we could see some signs of ‘resurrection’ in d. the control freak in me has to realize that I can’t control that and that maybe I wouldn’t recognize what that would look like in him either! Emmmm.

The last great thing I’m thinking about regarding the holiday we're on– no routine tomorrow, ah what to do? And I don’t even have to worry about it. I'm appreciating that.

Christmas is looming

Yes it is and here is a picture of the arty tree we have made. Liv doesn’t seem to think too much of it esp as I said the Lindor chocolates are for adults! There are only 5 so I think that’s fair! I think it’s brilliant considering we have nothing with us like that!
Last night, in memory of the coming seasons, I asked the girls to tell the Christmas story (the Jesus one) with the nativity figures grandma had just bought. They both did their own version and were pretty accurate. Amidst the busyness of this season, I don’t want us to forget our King. I have been reading The Shack, and it’s just been another book that has helped me remember and learn and be encouraged, more about the King of my Heart. Living with Him in my life, in every part of my day, is truly a gift and a blessing. I hope to focus more on that exact point in the coming year.

Oh to be a queen ....

Windsor Castle – we went to see Lizzy today. My Olivia kept reminding me that her name was Elizabeth, but sadly she wasn’t available for tea and scones. It was our second visit to the castle (in as many as 3 years) and it was wonderful. The girls enjoyed an audio tour for kids and mum and I enjoyed that too. Today was freezing however. I felt the need for a balaclava but it doesn’t seem very popular over here. I have this incredible scarf tube thing, borrowed from a friend (a moochi one!) which is rather handy when I need to cover my face up with a tube of wool! The girls are handling the weather particularly well and are very keen for snow. I on the other hand, am not so keen on snow and preferred the milder weather from last week. BUT I still haven’t had to put my thermal legs on. Mind you mum did talk about how the guard probably was wearing long johns today, infront of him. He is not allowed to talk or smile so it seems, but mum got him smiling. I felt a little embarrassed but soon got over it! A brilliant day and even better as I got the internet going at our wee flat we are staying at!

My French adventure

Paris – it’s hard to write it all down, but it was about ‘being’. I enjoyed the simple things – trying coffee and yes viewing the sights (arc de triump, sacre cur, the eifle tower, the louve and notre dame, excuse the spelling!). But mostly I enjoyed the people I was with and their family. My oldest friend since kindy was who I was with and I met her family again (after many years) and my sister’n’law’s brother, whom I am very fond of. It was a grand time. I am blessed.

The big city!!!

Dec 4th
Today was a biggish and culture adventure. We had to buy a day-rover type ticket where we got to ride as many trains or buses as we pleased. This week we are staying in Kingston, which is a beautiful town-ship. The houses are lovely and as we walked to the train station today, we saw many examples. The funny thing about London, is amongst beautiful houses and Volvo cars, you can have huge apartment buildings – 5 or so of them in a row, boxed together to house some of the 12 million people. It’s not the most pictureisque but it’s what it’s like. We caught a train from Norbiton to Waterloo (where we tried to sing Abba’s no) and then an underground to Leicester Square where we walked to Trafalgar Square.
The girls had anticipated visiting the Lions at Trafalgar Sq and were pleased when we came around the corner to spot the huge beasts. Even huger when we were up close and personal with them! Livvy screamed with delight when we spotted big Ben and they graciously posed for some photos of course! It was fun spotting some of the Christmas decorations as we walked down Oxford St, heading towards Hamleys toy store. We spent ages in the shop, trying not to be sucked into the sales pitches of the many demonstrations.
Before the toy store, we went to the London National Gallery. It was an amazing place, which we were able to enjoy for a short time. Livvy lost interest after awhile so we headed out for lunch in the square. I was really pleased with all that we got done on our first trip to the city. I was pretty tired at the end of that but there is nothing like a coffee and a chocolate pastry twist at Waterloo station, to heighten energy levels. I was also pleased with the photos I was able to take. I kept my camera in my pocket without it’s case and it was just so easy to pop it out when needed. I tried to get a picture of the squirrel that Liv noticed on our walk to the station, but I was too slow. Or the squirrel was too fast.
We came up with nick-names the other day for a few of us: Livvy – plate face (due to the mark on her eye from the plate hitting her as she walked past me in the kitchen) or Grandma: neck face (due to her having to wear her neck brace from her whiplash experience with a garden!). Livvy mocks the lady’s voice on the bus “85 to Kingston”. She replies”You’ve already said that old lady”.
The girls love sitting up top on the double decker bus and balancing against the bar by the front window. The bus and it’s sudden starts, keep the girls entertained for most of the trip to wherever we may be going!

A few days of ......

We met up with Aunty Sarah at Carucchio’s, a café in Putney. It was our virgin experience of catching a no 85 bus to Putney Bridge, with the girls and all the warm clothing we could muster up. It was actually the second beautiful day in London, despite the chill factor.
The girls loved getting on the double decker buses. We sat up top after a few trips, getting more confident each time we ride! Sarah took us to a West Field mall – a new one in Shepherds Bush. It is the biggest mall in Europe apparently! Sarah gave the girls ten pound each to buy something from the Disney store. They were in awe and chose perfectly. They are still being champs, not running out of gas too quickly. They are happy to play at home where we are staying. They love the adventures that we plan each day too.
Liv woke this morning at 2am. I am hoping that won’t happen anymore, as kaiya (who is sharing a bed with grandma) is waking at a very decent hour indeed. I’ve had pretty bad coffee’s thus far – except for the Italian café with Sarah.
There are many fun things to buy. Should one wait for the sales in Jan where I would risk perhaps losing a limb, or enjoy buying a few books or special things now? Emmmm what to do, what to do?

To London and beyond ...

The day, 30th Nov 08, was a long one indeed but a great one. We got up on that day not realizing how long that day would end up being. Instead of spending an hour in Sydney, we had 5. This was a lot more than an hour – we had 5 hours in a terminal that was being done up so there was nothing but duty free shops and a few other random food stores. These food stores were run by the same company so they had the same food, no variety. And there was a pub. Because there were 4 of us traveling, we were given $20 each to spend at any food outlets in the airport. Sadly, there were only these 2 stores plus the pub. So over 5 hours we tried our best to spend $80 – sounds easy but all we ate was bad coffee, freshly squeezed orange juice, hot chocolates, tapa’s, fruit salad and anything else to add up to our vouchers total! In some ways, this was the most exciting part of the waiting and also watching the girls use trolleys to have races around the terminal, trying to avoid all dangers of crashing into others or things.
But the worst was over – once we got on the plane headed to Singapore, the girls fell asleep and the rest was history. It was amazing – the girls were so content and happy to be sitting down for extended periods of time, watching dora, mickey mouse and bits of Space chimps or Beverley Hills chiwhuawhua (how do you spell that word?) and eating crazy aeroplane meals – small, dinky bits of food!
We arrived and got through customs etc pretty quickly, so grateful to finally feast our eyes on Matt, my precious brother. We were all rugged up with hats, scarves etc and ready to head home. This was not quite as easy as it sounds with our 4 suitcases including the kitchen sink. Mum had recently had an accident which meant she was left with a broken rib, bruised ear and whiplash in her neck, so she was not able to help carry much. Matt and I headed out with the suitcases, trying to encourage the girls who were at the end of their tether by now. It was a mission especially when I let one of the suitcases go down an esculator, yelling out “mum, mum!” to help her not get hit by the falling kitchen sink! Then the problem of getting the suitcases on or off the underground train manouvering them as well as the children, pushchair and grandma (who was very capable indeed)!
We are here. It is lovely. It is slightly cold. But it is surreal and very lovely indeed.

Lavish love

This is prob the last one, not that I’ve written many recently, that I’ll do until we are visiting London. And then I don’t even know what internet use I’ll get there! We leave in a week. Wowzers, so much to do. I’m really looking forward to being with my family. It represents closeness, acceptance, the bond of blood but also of love. I’m looking forward to what God may do through me but mostly what He will allow me to see and understand of Him. I feel it will be a great time away from the sad normality of our life this year, to hear from Him.
It’s a funny thing telling people we’re going. London sounds like a famous, fabulous place to be going. But truthfully the thing I’m most please about with our planned excursion, is to be with my family. I also feel a loss with going (this possibly sounds particularly selfish when first heard, but it’s the realness of my heart), that we aren’t going as a complete family. D won’t be with us. Yes it’s a wonderful and exciting opportunity. It also has a hint of emotion, of which I can’t quite express very well.
This last week we were all sick. That really sucked. But amongst it there were some cool things, like K serving us as L and I lay on the couch – she got us water and wrapped blankets over us etc. Very sweet.
Later that week I watched as 4 year old L was watching a movie. At the same time it amused me that she was able to balance herself on her drinkbottle while watching. So clever. K, the older one, told me the first swear word she had learnt. She said it slowly and with a slight bit of glee. I replied: if you ever say that again, you’ll have your mouth washed out with soap (or piri piri seasoning which a friend told me was a goodie!) and then I said “thank you so much for telling mummy about that”. It was a good moment of parenting – firm but also gracious, I think.
I hope to write a bit about what God has done this year for me, before 08 ends, but here is a glimpse of a blessing: 21 red roses, whoever gets given that amount? That’s what I keep thinking,. I did. I got given 21 red roses. I went out for coffee with the friend and florist later that week and said my thanks (words are hard to find with such lavishness). This new friend explained she had overordered, by a-lot and was asking God why. She felt to give them to me and to explain that God wanted to show his lavish love to you this way Sarah, and to remind you that He has not forgotten you. A few tears came. That was pretty special. Very special.

times fly

Today is a very dumb day. It shouldn’t be a very dumb day at all, but without expecting or thinking about it, it has become an Eeyore-black-rain cloud day. It’s one of those days where I feel a deep sadness come over me and I want to fix it by buying something (of which I have done) and/or eating something (of which I’m just enjoying a lemon muffin from the freezer full of long bits of rind). But as I drove along realizing my plight of black cloud-ness, I was again fully aware of the choice I had. I could turn my stuff over to God. So I cried, without too many words. For quite awhile I just let myself cry. I’m hoping this is a good sign of how far I’ve come, but there is still more melting of my face that is needed.
It’s funny (well not hilarious!) how stuff can just pop up and you’re like “ahhhhh, where did that come from?” It’s good timing I must believe, however annoying it may be.
Today is K’s birthday. And I’m a crazy mum. I love tradition, I love cake, I love present finding. But today we did it without D. We took our family photo with everyone in their pj’s on our bed, without d. He is always here for all this silly, crazy stuff. He video’s the present opening, he sets the camera up for the family photo on the bed and he writes in our special book that we have. He and I both write about all the amazing thoughts and feelings we have for K and then we stick the crazy family photo in. This year the photo will be of only the 3 of us and that makes me sad. Very sad today.
I love it how you can try to control everything and be all organized but when it comes to it, and the cracks show, you can fall face down again, realizing your need for God in your crazy world. I just do need you God, like a warm blanket on a cold night, like the glimpse of sun on a rainy day with a promise of what is to come, like gentle incredible peace that totally surpasses understanding. I am just here, sitting, being me and it hurts today. Other days are fine and lovely. But today is simply not. And I recognize my need for you God.
My precious K grace, I am so hopeful you won’t see mum’s face melting today, on your first day of being 6. You are an incredible young girl. You have a tremendously big heart, that has room for others and not just yourself. You openly confess God as someone you desire to know and to put first and that is so great. You make me think and you make me laugh. I love every part of you, the good and the rascally. The rascally parts just make me aware that you are normal and that you too struggle with being a human. I am so grateful for your prayers, your morning hugs, your special notes, the ideas that you have and your willingness to share your opinion. I trust that I can help you make the most of being 6 in this next year.
God bless my girl. Show her more of you and how to live through this season and into the next. Thank you for K. Thank you for your grace.
(i haven't blogged for ages and the great thing is, i am not feeling guilty! big stuff 4 me)