Isaiah 50 v 10-11
Who is among you who fears the Lord, who obeys the voice of His Servant, yet who walks in darkness and deep trouble and has no shining splendor? Let him rely on, trust in and be confident in the name of the Lord and let him lean upon and be supported by his God
Behold, all you (enemies of your own selves) who attempt to kindle your own fires (and work out your own plans of salvation), who surround and gird yourselves with momentary sparks, darts and firebrands that you set aflame! – Walk by the light of your self-made fire and of the sparks that you have kindled. But this shall you have from My hand: you shall lie down in grief and in torment
Some q’s I’m thinking of when I try to look at my own heart are:
As I walk along this path I’m walking, am I trusting in myself again?
How do I put that ‘trust in God’, to action daily? What does that even look like? I guess it’s – how do I rely on, trust in and be confident in the name of the Lord, leaning on and being supported by my God, as a daily thing?
I conversed with d the other night, asking him some hard-ish q. “Are you going to become reconciled to us? Are you going to make things right?” The mere fact I even launched into any q was huge as I hadn’t talked honestly with him for a very long time, it’s been too hard to talk, being fearful of what he may answer. I neednt have left it so long as the fears were immediately met with the responses I imagined he would give. He was hard. He was mean. He answered every question with a q of his own. I was slightly stumped but as he finished, he was going to be honest but he stopped himself and said it was time to go. Maybe there are things that have never been said, that he needed too?
How do I turn this into the positive? Well I’m feeling rather vulnerable but quite brave in my response to God: Search me O God …….. let offense ways, my own sparks and fires that I have kindled, let them be put out. May you search my heart and change me.
I haven’t really had that attitude, I’ve thought that it might just happen naturally along this journey.
So I rung d back 5 minutes later and asked for a few moments of his time. I said I was sorry for ambushing him. I said that I loved him and missed him and that above all the stuff that had happened, I felt for him. I told him I had a heart for Him. I told him if he ever wanted to talk to someone (he had said no one really was asking him how he was) he could talk to me. I was emotional. I was honest. I showed him, for the first time in ages, that I cared.
The phone call ended with him saying he didn’t want to talk to me.
And no matter how hard that was, it was a sacrifice I made because I felt to do that. I don’t know what it did and I’m sad as I think about it, but I want to trust God that I followed his leading. I felt like a mug but maybe being a mug is OK (as a dear friend suggested once).
The cloud is easy to see, sometimes the silver lining isn't.
