I will sit down, read with a cuppa, if and only if: the dishes are away, the mess in the lounge has disappeared, dinner is on the boil, the fire is ready to go, the girls beds are made, my room is a blessing to be in and the list goes on ........
Therefore i rarely relax.
I know others, perhaps many who are like this. Some are OK with it too which is quite refreshing.
Did i not get the DNA to rest or relax? Did my parentals not model it? Am i just a Martha and not a Mary and forever will be?
One could get very bogged by these questions so i have come to a few conclusions in a few short days.
I have to try to relax, esp in my own home.
I relax mostly when i'm away from my home, no distractions of jobs. I can fully engage and be myself when i'm away from our house where the tidy-freakish me is yelling for order!
Whether it's at a friends or at a cafe, I am relaxed. No striving, no jobs to do, it's amazing.
I feel that I don't need to feel bad about myself, now that i've worked out one of my personality disorders.
It does concern me that i'll never have people around if i feel more relaxed and comfy at someones elses home or a cafe. So I do hope for a bigger home and that life will work out so that I can have more people round, rather than feeling stressed about squashing a small nation into our pokey dear cottage. One day....... one day always comes.
This is probably funny to read about, but it's been quite restorative finding this out about myself. I heard someone comment on how our culture eats out a lot and doesn't host people in their homes. I am that first person, preferring to have a coffee or a treat out somewhere. Yet I am a homebaker, sweet-treat maker. And I love being able to offer that. But somewhere in the midst of that, my house-size and my ocd make it easier to be at others places or eateries (not mcdonalds by the way!).
So it's kind of a tension - being aware that it is good to have peeps over here. It's also good for my relaxation, to be somewhere else other than our teeny-tiny home. Funny.
I made pumpkin soup. Most of my pals will know i hate pumpkin, it's texture makes me wanna ........ So it's a miracle i made it, roasted the pumpkin (half a pump) with garlic and salt), sauted some onion, garlic and ginger, added the pumpk and chicken stock and simmered for 20 minutes. I looked at it with horror, what was I doing? After pulsing it, i reheated it with a can of coconut cream (lite i think) and it ended up being the most beautiful surprise i'd tasted in awhile. I laugh at myself. i felt so proud i'd made something out of something i hate. It was delicious. I shared it with some friends and thought quietly, i could make this for guests coming to my home. A wee dash of soup and crusty loaf, company and good times is something we all need. In a teen-tiny cottage or a big home, it's being together that creates great memories.
(Sarah Lonsy i know you'll be proud of me. I thought of you when making this goodness. Love to you my dear one..... not long till your birthday! love u and your heart for pumpkins and me)
Oh to finish, i've read part of a book where a lady writes about how we are in the habit of buying trim soy milk to go with our fat free breaky cereal, all to eat in a quick few minutes. She continues to write about how she likes to have long breakfasts (i assume on the weekend) that last for a few hours, with bacon and waffles, doing whatever she pleases, relaxing as she goes. Bliss. This is what got me thinking about my own relaxing. Could i do what she was writing about? I was going to try it today, girls were heading away with their d. Plans changed and they haven't gone so i'm having to put the breakfast thing off for a few weeks. Cool to have a plan in my head re breakfast one day.
