Another rainy day

This is possibly the best cheesecake recipe I’ve made. And I’ve made a few. I’ve possibly eaten a lot more!

375 g plain biscuits
200g butter melted
500g cream cheese, softened
1 c caster sugar
3 eggs separated
1 TBSP cornflour, sifted
2 t vanilla extract
2 c sour cream
¼ lemon juice

preheat oven 150c. process the biscuits until fine, transfer to a medium bowl. Stir butter until combined, press the biscuit mixture evenly. Plan pan on an oven tray, refrigerate while preparing filling.

Beat cream cheese, ¾ c sugar, egg yolk and cornflour in a large bowl until smooth. Add the vanilla, sour cream and juice, beat until combined.

Beat egg whites until soft peak. Gradually add the remaining ¼ c sugar, beating until dissolved. Fold egg white into cream cheese mixture.

Spread the filling into the biscuit crust, bake the cheesecake for about 1 hr and 15 min, or until it just set. Cool in oven with the door ajar. This helps to prevent the cheesecake from cracking. Serve the cheesecake at room temp.

Today I was feeling agro, that time of the month perhaps or whatever else is going on in my body for this week – whatever, I was agro. It had been raining on and off and I just needed to go for a walk. Poor L. She has the chicken pox, but we put our raincoats on (just incase it dared rain again) and off we went. We got all the way into town and most of the way home before it rained. Legendary. On the way we played this game I’d made up. It’s called “I like” and you just have to say one thing you like. The next person can agree, “yeah I like that too” and/or just say what they like. It’s a very positive game. And some incredible things come out. L told me she would like a plane that flew through the air when you pressed a button and also a doll that ate lollies that came out it’s bottom to be used again in the bowl. Emmmmm. Off the top of my head, I said I liked chocolate and coconut together, parties …… to name a few. It was good to get out of the house, walk and play the game. Last Oct someone asked me what I liked (can’t remember if I have written about this) and I found it hard to think of what I liked as life had been swallowed up with being busy helping everyone else. Now I am able to see more clearly what I do love and I’m actually doing some of it.

One thing I love is baking and the reason the recipe is above, is because I was given the ingredients to make it and I need to make it tomorrow so the cream cheese doesn’t expire. What a shame. To have to make a delicious cheesecake and then decide what to do with it! It’s going to be hard. What to do? What to do?

(the picture is a dish we made for christmas, 07, thanks bec)

Thank You

I remember things and go “oh yeah, that was cool”. But sometimes I forget, I think it’s a good habit to write ‘thank you’s down. I used to make the kids in my year 7 and 8 classes write a thankful diary (because Oprah did something similar). I have a lot to be thankful for. I love shoes and I found this book at a friends place and copied some quotes (Shoes, a love story – Tim Blanc).

Q:1 The fact is sometimes it’s really hard to walk in a single woman’s shoes. That’s why we need really special ones now and then to make the walk a little more fun. Carrie, Sex and the city.

Q:2 There are only two kinds of women in the world. Those who love shoes and those who had the misfortune of to be born without the ability to experience total bliss on finding a pair of perfectly designed pumps in the right size at half-price. There’s a direct correlation: the more shoes a woman owns, the more nicer person she turns out to be. The more she obsesses about footwear, the more normal she becomes. Those of us who love shoes are happy, passionate and more exuberant people. Whenever we meet, we recognize each other with our own special greeting, the shoe-aholics hello: “ooooh”, we say, “cute shoes”. From Heart and Sole: The Shoes of my life. Jane Eldershaw.

I’m thankful for the holidays just been, sleep-ins while the girls eat apples and play ‘teachers’ in their room, catching up with great friends, spending money on bargains that I find, getting a refill of tomato salsa from a fav café back home, being given money to fix the car, seeing mama mia, finding gluten-free baking mix at half the price, dinner with friends, more sleep-ins, watching a John Mayer DVD and a Sting one, time with my mum and finding Gran’s meatball recipe. Even buying some Christmas presents – I know, it’s so flippin far away! New and old recipes from friends and the fact that I have not been BUSY these holidays with catching up with folks, but more particular in who I want to catch up with (that’s a biggie for me), is something I’m grateful for. I’m thankful I’m learning more about myself and who I really am.
Today, this very rainy Tuesday, I’m thankful for the time I got to lay on the bed with k, talking about nothing in particular but taking the time. Today I’m thankful for making a duplo house for L as that made her day. I’m thankful for the yummy chicken pie we ate, together and that the fire has made us warmer.
I think over the last month I’m aware that I’m mostly thankful for a sense of humour. I am glad I can laugh and crack a few jokes even if it’s just with myself. I have been able to say (as I’ve just realised), that I’m genuinely happier this year, than I’ve been in a long while. That seems weird considering the turn of events, but there is a peace that surpasses all of my understanding that can only come from Him. My God.
I am so thankful.
The last quote about shoes (did I mention I love shoes, esp my red boots?!)

All God’s children need travelling shoes. Maya Angelou

Memories

Anniversaries are for celebrating – remembering the past (perhaps the good stuff mostly) and for looking forward to the future. I read it in a book recently (that is my paraphrase of it).
So now as I come up to birthdays etc I’m reminded – oh yeah lets take a moment and remember good times and look forward to how we want the future to look.
I was just in a café where we used to live. I have memories of sitting in there working while the girls were at their day-care, having coffee dates with friends, walking there for coffee, loving sitting by the fire, having many friends and family celebration meals there. It is a great café. It’s even greater now as they are selling ‘peoples coffee’ which is a fair trade one. Like it!
But the only memory that struck me today was how d had taken me there for coffee after the shit had hit the fan with us, and him saying stuff like “I need to date you again” and “I need to take the girls on dates too”. That was pretty nice. It was only 8 months ago but it felt like a slap in the face today.
I’ve also been thinking over these last few days (of being back in town) how I just don’t want to be alone and how I just want everything to be better. Not the way it was, but better, completely new. Now when I think about d, I have to try hard to think of good memories. I am glad to say that there are some, a lot infact.
Living life in this season would be easy to sit and wait – wait for redemption, peace, reconciliation. My ma said recently, something she’d said when I was in my late teens: don’t sit around waiting, live your life. She had meant not to head down to bars to pick up men (good advice from my dear mum) but to live my life and to trust God that he would bring my husband along. Good advice. Now she is the same. Live your life and enjoy things. God is in control.
I guess I want to not focus on bad memories (which is pretty easy to do) but to re-focus my mind on creating new ones plus remembering good and decent and fun times with friends and family.

Sorry, it's been awhile .....

Gods ways are so different to mine. I am reminded of this when I read the word and also challenged. Back a few months I read this and was spurred on with what it said, even though it was flippin hard: Luke 6:27-28. Love your enemies. Do good to those who hate you. Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who abuse you.
It’s hard to bless d. It’s hard to pray for him to be blessed when he hasn’t bestowed anything close to a blessing to me in the last wee while.
I put the car in to get a warrant and found out that it was going to cost $600 without even the main prob fixed. I welled up with emotion and tears infront of the nice mechanic guy. The car needed to be fixed. There was no getting around that. So after praying I felt to ring d. He said, after trying to hold my tears back while explaining, that he’d “think about it”. Helping me that is, he’d think about it. That made things worse and I realised why. I just actually wanted to be rescued and to be told that it was all going to be OK. And I wanted to be told by him because he’s supposed to love and care for me. Turns out the next day he let me know he would let me have that money. Funny thing is – I love a funny side to a story, I went to visit the ceo’s of the church d goes too (as they are close and wonderful friends), and they said their church (the one d goes too) will pay for the rest of the bill. Hillarious and wonderful all at the same time.
So how to pray? I am pleased to admit that I have been able to pray, despite my feelings of confusion over the way he treats me. I have been able to pray that God would bless d and I even offered him some meatballs to take home. I did what I felt God is saying and it is actually good for my soul. He didn’t take the meatballs. Silly boy, they are amazing!
L, our 4 year old, cocked her head back as she walked away from me this weekend (to head to daddy’s) and said, “you’re going to be OK mummy, don’t worry!” She also told me she liked my pink nail polish and could she have some when she got home. When the girls came home today K said, “I’m so glad to be home mummy”. I’m so glad they are home too. I’m planning to have meatballs this week, with my darlings.

just for fun, just cause we can

Tonight we had a ‘ye ha it’s the holiday’s!” party. I sent the girls an invite and we had a party. All within a few hours. It was a hit – balloons, lollies, chippies, dancing and items to show off! The girls were told on their invite to wear their PJ’s and also a fun head thing. So we all looked a bit silly but we had a laugh.
This morning we’d had a fun time at church with a family service. The girls stood up the front of the auditorium singing songs for all to enjoy. I stood on my chair to wave to the girls, to help them with their confidence if that was needed. They had a game show, a real dog do some tricks and kids sharing what God meant to them. I had a sense of missing doing all that stuff for kids. I’m quite hungry to do a story or something at church for kids. I think I’m missing some of the stuff I was used to doing every week in our old job.
Reading Ephesians tonight there was a goodie: Chapter 2 verse 8-9: For it is by free grace (God’s unmerited favour) that you are saved through faith. And this is not of yourselves but it is a gift of God. Not because of works lest any man boast (not the result of what anyone can possibly do so no one can take pride or glory in himself).
At the moment I’m not able to be busy doing stuff like telling stories to kids at church. I am on sabbatical. Having a rest. Part of my sabbatical is learning stuff I think – I’m learning that I’m OK, accepted, loved by Him, no matter what I’m doing or done. I am loved because of who I am not because of what I do. This is part of my journey.
The last thing the girls said tonight as I was kissing them goodnight – “mum I want to live with you forever, except I’m going to have to get married”. There was some real contemplative thought followed by who they would love to marry. I remember only a few months ago they wanted to marry each other! K changed her mind a few times tonight but L was adament: Logan, I am going to marry Logan.

Almost snow

The girls called me to the window today and I was too busy to come getting the breakfast ready or something mundaine like that. But I remembered that I wanted to be a YES mummy (in a good way), so I went and saw this amazing amount of hail. This hail turned out to cover our everything outside! A friend rang me to say this was possibly the closest it would get to snow, in our city. She was outside with her husband and kids crunching in the hail. She encouraged me greatly to get out there. There was no way I was going too. My organised, structured self said the girls would get all messy and I’d have more work to do, it would be cold and they could catch a deadly disease ……..
I got over my silly self and we got outside quickly and warmly. I spent ages taking photos of the girls making tracks in the hail, laughing with them and eating hail. The comments were “wow it’s Christmas!” “this is so cool mum”. We had a fab time and talked about it all day!
Later in the day we saw the snow on the hills and it was so close and amazing. It’s a wonderful world! I am so glad I wasn’t too busy today or too structured to stay inside where it was warm and tidy. The moments of feeling hail pelt us on our bodies far outweighed being stuck inside. The girls loved it because it was my idea and because it was spontaneous and it was about God’s amazing creation.
I am proud of myself for abandoning safety and routine (and being too busy to watch hail). This felt like a big thing even though it sounds small. No regrets, love big and enjoy each moment, even if it's a bit messy.
K and L, it’s a wonderful world when we’re together. I love it. I love making memories that will last for yonks. Let’s make way more.

Some poems

Recently I saw a movie where poetry was read and surprisingly, myself not being a poet writer or reader normally, I wanted to read some. Today I found a book filled with poems on love. I have read a few and liked a few so I thought I’d jot them down with my loose thoughts, hoping they will connect up somehow.
Rupert Brooke writes about love and how that one must be able to love the plain and practical things – one must fall in love with simple things first. And his poem ‘The great lover’ has some of Brooke’s great loves:
White plates and cups, clean-gleaming, ringed with blue lines;
Rainbows; and the blue bitter smoke of wood;
And radiant raindrops couching in cool flowers;
And flowers themselves, that sway through sunny hours,
So here is mine: Sarah, the great lover.
I actually love white china, the homely smell of baking completing itself in the oven, a dark room lit only with candles, new clothes, more new clothes, a meal with friends whether out or at home, a nicely brewed coffee, background jazz music, singing anytime harmonising to whatever, encouraging the potential in another and living with no regret. I could go on: eating cheesecake, making things my mum and gran used to make – sultana cake and ginger gems in particular, walking with a friend to kill two birds with one walk, sharing Jesus with someone. I won’t go on but I could.
FLICKER is another poem – traditional American. Check it out:
The flicker of the campfire, the wind in the pines
The starts in the heavens, the moon that shines
A place where people gather to meet friends of all kinds
A place where old man trouble is always left behind
So give me the light of a campfire, warm and bright
And give me some friends to sing with, I’ll be here all night
Love is where you find I; I’ve found mine right here;
Just you and me and the campfire and songs we love to hear
So give me the light of a campfire, warm and bright
And give me some friends to sing with, I’ll be here all night
Love is where you find it; I’ve found mine right here
Just you and me and the campfire and songs we love to hear.
Someone asked me one day what I loved. I couldn’t answer until recently. I’d been too busy to do the things that I liked, therefore forgetting what was actually at the core of my being. I’m thinking more along those lines now.
This is the last poem I’m quoting today, as it challenges me that beyond the last horrible turn of my life, I should not give up on love. I don’t have a hard heart towards it, yet I want to live deeply with love as my core:
TO LOVE
Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken.
If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one,
Not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with
Round with hobbies and little luxuries;
Avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.
But in that casket – safe dark, motionless, airless – it will change.
It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.

C S Lewis