the candlelabra

Not sure if that's how it's spelt, but we have one of sorts.
I got it in London for 7 pounds down from 25 and it was a beauty. Sadly it came home slightly wonky and i've tried hard with my strong arms, to bend it back, but it remains a little wonky. a bit like me?
D's mum and step dad are in the country for a few months. For some reason, i just feel really invaded. I haven't even seen them, but i happen to be lucky enough to receive their regular 'updates' and that prob heightens my anxiousness. I feel overwhelmed at their pending presence. and it feels jolly silly. They are lovely folks. Nice and cheery. They haven't left me, but not being in contact with them or part of their current world, is a loss. I say i don't care but I do care that they get to do life with my babies for the next few months.
As i was contemplating that over dinner tonight (spaghetti on toast and banana yoghurt of all things!), i knew i needed to do something to help myself. So i asked the girls what they thought their God would be saying to them a year on (from last time we did this) or where he would be standing for them, or what he would be doing. They pondered for a few moments and k said "I know! He says when your daddy's not here, I am your daddy. It's a bit silly but......" No that was not silly I explained, that was something that is even written in the bible. She talked a bit about the boy in her class who has no daddy at all. She was finding compassion for him even. L said God was standing infront of us.
As we were talking i was glad we were where we were - letting our feelings out and reminding ourselves who God is. So next i introduced the candellabra (?) with the new candles we had bought for it today. As i lit the candles (daylight shining through the windows still) I explained that we were going to use it to help us pray today. i needed to explain that we weren't going to pray about the weather but about Daddy and our feelings etc. I started, praying quickly at each candle by pointing. sounds religious but it was way more of a 'helpful' aid in praying, that would hopefully remind them of it in the future. Then k prayed: "Bring daddy here Lord, Bless the family we had lunch with today and ............ (she kept mostly to topic!). L prayed, in her 'all-over-the-place' fashion, that God would heal daddy where he might be hurt, that he would not go to work anymore (so he could move to us - d has told them that he can't live with us as he has to work in the city!) and that God would help us light good fires this year and grow good veges.
I felt much better. The girls enjoyed themselves and strengthened me in their own journeying.
A good ending to the day. now off to make some salad as i hate spaghetti on toast!

blank canvas

If there was a photo with todays writing, it would be of a blank canvas.
sometimes i hate a blank canvas, sometimes i love them.
I would love to have a stash of them so if i was ever inspired to paint something fabulous, then i could. but at other times i hate the thought of having a stack of them because i know i'd feel the pressure to do something with them.
My mind really does feel blank some days and particularly this last few months.
I feel bad that i haven't written a lot, i just literally have had no thought of what to write.
I am having lots of interesting times full of joy and question, full of stress and laughter. But my canvas feels a bit blank.
I think that is because i've been worried about what i'm doing this year and feeling a litlte guilty that i'm not getting a 'real job'. It's a bit weird doing 'nothing' (which really means school drop-off, shopping for food, washing, cooking, baking, washing, vacumning and more of that, walking and drinking coffee plus the ocassional deep thoug/revelation or movie watch!). I actually feel quite good about doing the things i'm doing, but it does feel a bit like nothing, when people ask what i'm doing. I feel like a bit of a slacker, yet i know it's amazing having a year (a 2nd year) where i'm finding out more about me and what gives me joy and where i'm giving myself some space to discover what this whole next season will find me doing. And yes, where being a 'mum' is the most important job.
So if i was to paint that canvas, it would probably be half one colour and the other half white. OR it would be a smile on one side and a q mark on the other. these pictures would represent the tension i feel where i'm happy to be waiting (discovering what really drives me with passion) and that waiting actually precedes a lot of good things (a butterfly coming out of it's final stage of crysalis) with the other side of that being "oh my goodness, what will i do when i actually have to get a job?" and Can i trust God in this waiting time or will i just go off and get a wee job so that i feel valuable to my world?
I am reading Dawn French's 'Dear Fatty'. She is rather funny and i like the concept she has used to write. She writes letters to people who were or are huge in her life, particularly her dad. She also writes to a few randoms like madonna and george clooney. It's quite funny but it's a fantastic way to get your feelings out i think. emmmm something to do - write some letters and perhaps not send them, but just use them to fill that canvas.
I love reading over letters that i've been given by friends and loved ones. they are so precious considering the age of 'email' that we are in. The girls write me letters sometimes. i love them. they write that they love me, even when i get mad and they write such funny wee things. Being a mum is crazy fun. crazy in that it drives me bonkers sometimes, but it's also crazy fun doing life with such little lovelies. The end, of the canvas writing for today. It's not so blank.

Abandonment

I’m loving doing stuff around the house (not gardening or anything helpful like that mind you!). Since I’ve had no real job (apart from mothering and hanging out with people over late's!) I’ve had plenty of time to explore the somewhat creative side I seem to have. It has had opportunity to not come out while I was being mum and working full time. So not with any purposeful agenda at first, I’ve enabled my creative side to come out.
I change rooms around, not sure how many times you can do that really but I seem to do it often. I’ve created some art works that probably wouldn’t sell in a gallery but that have come from an amazing experience I’ve had or just that I like the thought of something and want to see it more than just in my head.
This is such a great thing and I love doing it. I love doing crafty arty-farty things. And I’m so glad I’ve discovered that.
A word to live by this year: Abandonment. I was encouraged by reading a friends blog and by listening to her heart, that a word was a good thing to have – something to work towards, sit in my heart, mess with my head and my plans and even something to aspire too.
Adam and Eve put on fig leaves to cover themselves. To cover their sin. To cover their nakedness. To abandon myself to my Saviour is a true, naked-like-thing to do. What it looks like, I’m not sure but I do imagine a sweet girl running through a field of long grass, wearing a white dress, dancing and laughing without care for who would dare to be looking. Am I OK to come to God as I am? Am I going to respond to Him with the knowledge that He knows all anyway and is just waiting for me, wooing me, loving me and desiring my presence? Sometimes I’m just not sure how to come to big lovely God.
I’m knowing it’s not rocket science (to come to Him) and I’m knowing it is faith. Coming, saying “this is me …. warts and all, I really love you God, you are fabulous and so kind and I’m just going to sing you this wee song that I made up because you make me want to sing sometimes……. I also love it that before I even thought about you, You loved me, little me …… I am in awe of how you talk to me and tell me great and important things. You guide me and lead me constantly……
You make me smile a lot and you ………… well you let me ask you questions of dumb stuff I just don’t get. You seem to answer when you want and that is often in strange ways, but I like that, mostly. You are a good good God. You bless me. I come to you today – with arms wide open … in awe of the one who gave it all …..

voices in my head?!

Well there definitely aren’t spooky voices telling me to do dumb things. Thankfully. But there are the voices of the wise around me, that I am so grateful for. Sometimes I get out of balance with what I’m thinking – someone like d, who was a once trusted and dear voice, says something totally unrecognizable and I start wondering: emmm maybe I do need a job, or maybe I am not clothing the girls well. Ha. The funny things we get thrown at us. It has become confusing at times for me, to hear these voices or messages which conflict with what my heart thinks and what my mind knows is OK and true.
So new thoughts, confused babblings rattle around in my once semi-sane head and I begin to doubt myself. There are a few things happening for me here – I could and would entrust myself to d’s wisdom and solid advice. It seemed godly and it was. Now it’s a bit twisted, slightly mental, crazy infact. The gracious side of myself thinks that maybe I’m the mean one. I weigh up the things he throws at me and I toss them around a bit even though I defend myself infront of him, in a mostly nice way. The words of one are powerful, that is written in the word and I’ve believed that as truth for an eon. But how they can throw my balanced life, has struck me in this season. I doubt some of the clear thinking and I’m like “why am I suddenly being tossed about on the sea like a boat going everywhere except for it’s destination?”
And then these still soft messages come. And I am glad of them. They come from delicious family and delightful friends. The ones who tell me it’s OK and that I don’t need to do things that are thrown at me. They help me get balanced again on this ragged road. I am so glad of the wise sages amongst me. The friends who say beautiful things which bring peace and not hostility.
The other beautiful thoughts come from my God. He whispers, reminding me who I am, of how to say sorry when I need too and of small but beautiful ideas and ways to mend where there are big tears in the fabric of our life.
I love it that You desire truth in my inmost being (Psalm 50) and that You want to walk with me still. You are an incredible God.
As a family we are doing lent, considering the girls are so young – it’s a very fluid form of lent. Lent is from the 10th century. Wow. We were talking about fasting from something and K thought I could ‘give-up’ using my cross voice! I asked her if she could consider giving up ‘not doing what mummy says so the cross voice has to come out!’. We all laughed and made it a joke. The girls talked about giving up playing with toys, eating fruit and vege (don’t think they got it at all when we first talked about it) and other musings. It’s such a lovely practice. It will be something that grows each year as we continue to journey with Him. Lent will perhaps become part of the make-up of our family, I hope so. K said the other day :”Mum, the Israelites had faith to leave Egypt didn’t they?!” Yes they did. What did this mean to her and where on earth did she get those words? God is adding layers and layers of himself as we discuss Him and read about Him and sing of Him.
I told the girls how God is looking after us (in a financial sense) and how he had blessed us in lots of ways. As we were walking to school today I explained about how I had seen k’s dressing gown was a size 3 and because she is 6 now, we needed to buy a bigger one. I then told her that I told God that we needed one please! 2 days later a friend gave us a size 8 one without me mentioning it! I was so stoked. K was more impressed with the fact that it was purple than the fact God had given it to us. That’s OK, she’ll get it, layer by layer.