ending the holidays

I've loved these holidays, mostly for the change of routine and not having to make school lunches! It's been incredibly sunny all of the holidays and i've been in awe of that, considering last year it was very freezing!
I have been particularly emotional today. I'm putting it down to a tiring week with the conference i was at and also having to repeat the same answers to "how are you doing?"! the girls had a topsy turvey week as i imagined. They went to d's house for quite a few nights and my mum's and then spent the weekend at d's. As i said goodbye again on Fri, they tried to run away from teh car i was trying to put them into. They screamed and cried and didn't want to go. The things i had taught them regarding what to do in topsy turvey times, kind of flew out the window, well so i thought!
We'd talked about different ways to handle the feelings that they may be going through during this last week. but it came down to them feeling like it was just too much and they needed to react to it, rather than respond. Fair enough i say. they are so young and hardly mature enough to respond with their hearts as opposed to their bodies, each flippin time this happens. So K said some mean things to me and as i let her go, i only remember her tossing her head away saying: "just do what you have to do", with a very angry look. Ahhhhh it killed me inside and i cried rivers as i drove away. I felt so powerless to rescue my little ones from this awful pain.
So today comes and i'm wondering what to do. I'll just leave the conversation till tomorrow, perhaps when they have settled back into life at their normal home. The first thing K did when she jumped out of daddy's car was run to me, wanting a 'private conversation'. I've never heard her ask for that before. I was intrigued and slightly scared at what it may be about!
"i'm sorry mum, I'm so sorry. I've been thinking about it the whole time i've been away and how i've wanted to say sorry to you. I couldn't stop thinking about it but couldn't ring you as i didn't think i would be allowed to have any privacy to talk to you. I've missed you mum and i'm so glad i'm home." As she sat on the loo later, "oh mum i missed our lovely home". And again at dinner, some heartwarming conversation.
this was way better than i expected. I love that about God. He is full of surprises and the seeds that are sown, truly do produce fruit. Thank you God for this holiday. i anticipated the hardness of it and fully expected it to be terrible when away from the girls, but it has been a blessing.
A good ending to the holidays. Thank you to my lovely friends for the great times over these last two weeks. Love ya.

the holidays of April

A beautiful baby has been born, two actually! loads of fantastic friends have been visited, a dinner party out with gorgeous friends, organising functions with another, planning future events with some and playing loads of games with the girls. Sleeping in even, hearing bad news and good, seeing relatives, having smoke alarms going off, making pikelets and feijoa loaf.
The holidays are bliss.
Going to the library, hearing chit chatter through the window while hanging washing out, the sun shining - i am in love with that in the April holidays! Having concerts, eating chocie eggs, talking to a psychologist about parenting and learning some valueable hints, drinking late's and enjoying every mouthful with whatever friend i'm with. The holidays are such a great idea. Whoever made them up needs to be thanked!
The weather is something i'm truly thankful for. ive felt the warmth of the sun when i've expected the coldness. I nearly melted the other day when i wore a merino on the hottest day in the world, with no change of clothing available! I still was glad of the sun that day. I am thankful for the insightful conversations i've had, the hardish questions from friends i've needed to answer which are helping me process the place my heart is in at present. Thank you my friends. You are like champion cheerers who never give up caring or cheering. I love laughing and crying and doing life with you. Even if you live far away, you are the 'still waters' i enjoy so much.
Thank you my girls for the cuddles and the cards, for the insightful conversations and dances we have together. Can you please sing me wobbly tooth again? i'm not sure i'll ever be sick of you both screeching, i mean singing that song to me. I love it how you organise breakfast most mornings for me now. i appreciate that so much, as i whisk through the house crazily doing other important chores!
I will miss you next week, when you stay a few days away from me. You make me smile so much.

happy birthday young buck!

I know this is a week-ish early, but Happy birthday my lovely friend.
It's been such a great year getting to know you more and having you in my life.
You are a great friend: a wonderful wealth of handy advice, cooking skill and budget-skill-shopping! You have been a pleasant surprise! You've chopped trees down for me, fixed gadgets for me, set me up with technologies that only a 'nerd' could achieve, laughed with me, prayed for me and even listened to my pity-party stories all whilst encouraging me to budget more wisely using weekly auto payments!
What a gal!
I am so greatful for you, God has blessed me with your company.
I am encouraged by you and challenged by you.
I love you my friend.
Happy birthday for the 24th! Hope to see you that day and to do more life together in this next year!
PS you are going to be the best nurse in town!
(I'm away this week so no blogging for a bit sorry!)

playing around with photos .....

the elephant in the room

I often talk about my 20’s and how great they were. I enjoyed flatting, even flatting by myself, having a job and spending that money on whatever I chose, hanging out with friends and traveling the country with them in our crazy cars or on more luxurious flights. Going to 21sts, engagement parties and weddings were included in those years. It was bliss . I encourage people who are in their 20’s to do the same – enjoy them. No mortgage perhaps, not quite yet married, a special time after leaving home. A special kind of freedom. It wasn’t a freedom I abused I don’t think and that’s why I have such great feelings about it.
I feel like I’m in my 20’s again, with some extra carry-on-luggage. I can’t come and go as I please, as I have two lovelies to look after but there are other ways where I feel like I am. Except I’m 35.
I’m kind of not sure what I want to say about this, how I feel about it. I love it in some ways – the freedom to do what I want, with it’s limits. Spending my money on what I want – not having to consider another one or be accountable to him. Choosing to watch or do whatever I want in the evenings when the little ones are asleep, not having to consider anyone but myself. Being able to be quiet or loud. Being able to be myself.
But I do feel this tug of war within myself: The desire to be connected wholeheartedly with another and also the enjoyment of doing life myself at the moment. I can’t imagine what it will be like to join up again with another. But I desire that. It scares me to think that I like doing things in the quiet of my own company so much and that it works out pretty well most of the time. Will I enjoy my independence too much and not want to get dependent again? I think the answer is no but I feel it strongly. I also feel very strongly the surging desire to be loved by someone. Am I able to wait and trust? I can’t strongly answer that question at the moment.
I was told that this really nice looking chap, who I don’t know at all, looked me up and down. I was flattered and excited in a girly kind of way. Wow, I have those girlie emotions still at play. Hillarious but scary. Thoughts of a man (I have only said a few words too, once) are filling my mind. It annoys me but it also makes me feel valued and excited about the adventure of the unknown.
In the Bible, Adam named the animals as part of the process of obtaining dominion over them. Can I do this? Name my ‘hidden creatures’? Being perfectly honest with myself I feel the pull of independence that I’m in and how I could make wrong choices and not have to tell a soul. That scares me a little. It scares me a lot. Would I be flattered enough to go on a date with a ‘random’, not having to share that with anyone if I chose not too? I feel that I could do that. I’ve always been a good girl (in my own opinion!).
So my big questions, to ask of myself are these, again probably: What are you trying to show me God and am I willing to be shown? Can I trust you God, with my future or am I going to go along with some of these strong emotions I am feeling? Why do I have these emotions – what is the deepest vulnerability of my heart at this moment? Can I face that and can I hand it to you God?
I need to ‘fess’ this up to someone that is a solid friend and possibly of the male species. I actually need a ‘daddy’ friend to share this with and to ask him to pray with me. The café where I normally see this random really nice looking chap, was where I went today with some friends (I do go there most days). He wasn’t there, But the Manly Man friend who is like a ‘dad’ to me, was. It was like these neon arrows pointing from God: “Hello sarah, here is the one I have provided for what you need.”
I laugh at the surprises of God in my life. This Godly Daddy man was busy, but I know what I need to do. Thank you God for friends. Thank you God for your interest in my silly girlish notions. Thank you for helping me to be brave and face my fears.
I figure I will be naming some of my animals in the next few days. At least i've begun to name the elephant in my room.
(the photos – I’ve wanted to dry hydrangers for yonks but have no tree. I asked a young fellow who was renting a place with heaps of these beauties, if I could steal some. He was so oblidging he even left me scissors for my return! The Feijoas were the same – some uni students who were leaving them all over their lawn. I asked, I received.)