some education

I’m reading ‘Lunch in Paris’ by Elizabeth Band. It’s a fun romantic read. It has recipes too which is an added bonus. Making French mint tea could be my next taste sensation.

The girls and I (through them waking up so flippin early and myself needing to wake to have some devotion) are reading in my bed together each morning. It’s a quiet time. I’ve mentioned the word devotion – being devoted to one who loves us. So L has a Princess Bible (with some bling on the front!) which she is devouring and K has a daily story-thing about some girls with ponytails and a follow-up bible story with some activities. She is in love with that too. It’s really sweet. It’s really simple. It’s simply us connecting with God in a simple way. Sometimes I cant recall what I’ve read and only seem to manage half a chapter of the particular book of the Bible that I’m reading. Little questions come up so I’m trying to have grace for that, whilst waking myself up, trying to read something challenging for myself. There were three in the bed ………

We are going to milo cricket. The girls love it as they get free treats each week – a cricket ball, a hat. We are learning sports.

Our verse (that sounds very nerdy indeed but it’s usually just a quick thought or a big issue that has surfaced that calls for a new verse!) for the next few months (after writing, colouring, reciting and surprisingly memorising 1 Corinthians 13 (part of it anyway)) is this:

Luke 6 verse 27 – bless those who persecute you, love those who hate you, be kind to those who ill-treat you (something like that).

And the prayers that followed went like this:

L – thank you that these words are the truth, that they are not fake words. Help us to pray for those who are mean to us.

It is this particular verse for several reasons – the 7 year old is no kinder to the annoying lad in class, than any of her class mates. And she didn’t want to have a heart change. Little does she realise that this verse will change her, where my words could not. They are also for me. I have had some heart breaking moments since the ‘severe heart break’, that have caused me to remember this verse and act on it. Life is so tough sometimes but his Word is so enduring. I have lacked direction in my pain and have wanted out of it not knowing what to do. And then the verse comes to mind. Yippie. Not, but it is a relief. It is like a surprising medicine. To pray for someone who is like an enemy. To pray for someone I have wished not-alive. To pray for a cruel one, an excuse-maker, a heart-breaker.

Some great wisdom that is teaching from another friend: "But there is a right and a wrong kind of surrendering. The Anabaptists used to speak of "Gelassenheit" - of self-surrender to the will of God, of not striving to achieve but simply trusting. Perhaps that's what you need now - a good dose of Gelassenheit!

The image of the weaned child in Ps 131.. God's ways are much too hard for us to understand, so that the only option is to sit, like a recently fed baby on its mother's lap, and simply trust in the goodness and security of God's care, and give up trying to understand."

Can I or we, do that? It's a great picture to have, it's a great aim to have. I like and need pictures to help me relate to laying stuff down or just simply coping. we all seem to cope differently but i love the help friends give from their own experience and struggle.

Sarah S from the UK, thanks so much for your kindness to me. I got your chocy parcel in the post today. Thank you for the words, thanks for reading the blog, thanks so much for thinking of me in such a radical way. LOVE IT! Lindt. There is no other chocolate. That's a lifetime of education right there.

(photo - it's what we look like in the morning - all smiley and so glad to be awake! well the girls anyway.)

The Livster

Hello my lovely girl.

This is a week or so late, but it’s been loads of thoughts going around my head, all about YOU!

You turned 6. Wowsers.

You love hearing about when you were a baby and how you were a lovely surprise to your mummy and daddy. Well you are still full of wonderful surprises.

You say the funniest things – tonight you talked to your hamburger bun at dinner time, introducing it as a noodle bun, as you politely shoved 2 minute noodles into it. K and I laughed.

You talk to me about how you like my hair – you start to say I look better without a fringe but then you seem to think that’s rude so you tell me it’s cool however I wear it. You are sensitive to others. I like that Liv.

You risk being told off by telling the truth. You want to be known to be truthful, especially in helping me parent. You correct me and mostly that is rather helpful. You take real joy in other peoples happiness. You love hearing their news and congratulating them. I love it when you offer your food or things to your sister. You are so kind.

At the moment you are desperate to be reading chapter books like your sister. When we read together in the morning (in my bed), silently, you join us with your special books from the library. They are smaller chapter books, real special liv!

At your birthday party you had 3 different nationalities. You love people and have a crazy mix of friends. I pray for lovely friends for you this year. People that you can love and people that will love you for who you are. Not just K’s friends. Your own special friends.

I love overhearing you talk to yourself. It’s so funny! You put on funny voices at the dinner table to entertain us. You can laugh at yourself.

You are serious. You are sensitive. You are loud and you are quiet. You are a beautiful mix Liv. I pray that I can help you have a super year being 6. I am so proud of you. You are a wonderful student at school and a fun girl to be with at home. I also hope we can master riding a bike this year and that you can keep growing in God and his ways.

He loves you so much Liv. You know that too which I’m glad of. You pray to him with such a big heart – you tell Him he is wonderful and powerful and Worthy. It is so cute listening and so encouraging. You are a pretty girl, my beautiful princess.

I am so happy being your mum. Have a great year being 6. Enjoy every moment – that’s what I’ll be telling you. Love mum

A poem

I'm a bit lost with what to write at the moment, can't seem to find words or time to do words. But i got this from a daily spiritual blurb i get and again Henri Nouwen is bliss. Thankful for His words, becoming my prayer.

Gentle Voice

Henri J. M. Nouwen

Dear God,
Speak gently in my silence.
When the loud outer noises of my surroundings
and the loud inner noises of my fears
keep pulling me away from you,
help me to trust that you are still there
even when I am unable to hear you.
Give me ears to listen to your small, soft voice saying:
"Come to me, you who are overburdened,
and I will give you rest...
for I am gentle and humble of heart."
Let that loving voice be my guide.
Amen.

Source

Small catch-up

This past week has been a tiring blur.

It’s been so busy (of which I’m mostly glad) I’ve been kept from really touching base with my heart. I’m not sure what I think of the last weekends happenings. I’m kind of not even sure how to process it.

Instead I’ve started a wee job.

Had a darling ones birthday celebration, dance classes and school picnics,




Organised and executed a party (with some particularly bratty 6 year olds), followed by ‘have-a-go’ cricket for both the sweethearts, all with the daddy present (so grateful for that visual reminder of recent pain – not)

And been exceptionally tired (not just because I read Miley Cyrus’s biography in a few hours!).

Hopeful for a slightly more down-to-earth (yet calling out heavenwards) week even though we include trialling girls brigade, more dance lessons, cricket and homework. Mothers are miracle workers at times, I feel.

Well done mothers. My mum was here this week and she is amazing. I hope that whatever your week has held, mother or not, you are finding solace for yourself even if it is reading a few chapters of an easy read like the above. Whatever it is, I hope for time for you, to do something kind for your heart. I hope that for myself too. Where are you big heart and what is happening with you?

I’ve been a bit agro at a few things, like why the weather has been rainy when I need it to be sun-filled (‘so confused sometimes God’! ….. a line from a prayer whispered today). The agro has to lead me to Him. Even though the weather was not what I needed, the outcome was one hundred times better than expected. Ta muchly for that surprise Father G.

Slightly overwhelmed

Hard one to write today.

Perhaps a short one too (yeah right!).

Overwhelmed due to:

the end of the marriage

the mostly pleasant conversation that was had

the texts, prayers, love and help from my pals and whanau

free from that person and all that it held (ahhh what does that look like)

the realisation of permanent singleness for this time

the crazy crying that keeps happening

not wearing wedding rings

the thought of moving on

And in all of this, i feel and know it's gonna be OK.

Funny. Wow.

Some of the painful things that were said, i've had to balance out with the truth that I know and that i'm told by close ones. Not things said to 'grease-up' from close ones but simple truths, things i had never worried bout before but needed a prayer or an assurance.

There did come an apology.

Then came the reasons for the man leaving. They were ok to hear but some were very personal and that was crying material. not needed aye.

I was able to shed some light and there were loads of tears from the man's eyes, which was comforting (as i didn't need to knife him to get that to happen. he he, gotta laugh at some things!).

Crazy. As my kind amazing bro said, "I'm just glad you're free now sez ......" Thanks matt, you and that beautiful wahine of yours always make my day. Thanks BP for prayers and loving listening to my pain. Prayer changes things and i indeed felt much better after that.

Love and thanks, always. xx

hello toothies

Hey my precious girls.

Toothie one and Toothie two (or three as you have 3 out at the same time! how windy it must be in your mouth!).

You may never get to read this, or maybe you will but this one's for you.

I had such a fun time this afternoon doing the fancy pantsy afternoon t. I'd tried all week to do it and after such a dreadful start to our Fri with me doing a grand rant, i was glad i had planned it for today.

You squeeled with delight and were full of thanks. The garden was even done so we were surrounded by a cleared environment and a few green tomatoes. You have been doing so well and are amazing wee girls.

This has been a hard few years and I am so sorry that you have had it rough. I always wanted (and thought it 100 percent possibility) that you would grow up in a nice wee cocoon. Or at least grow up with both parents and perhaps a dog. I never imagined that your daddy would choose a different path to lead and not be with us. That is pretty tough for an adult to grasp let alone two cute sweet-hearts like yourselves.

But golly, you have done amazingly well. You are courageous and brave, strong in heart and conviction and lovers of great fun and family times, despite the sadness of 08/09 ........

I am very proud of you. I am convinced and have seen it already, that what was planned for 'no good', God will use for great. I know that the pain and broken-ness we have felt together, will be able to help others in some way. And I also know that our God has good plans for us.

You have been a great help to your old mum and i am so glad of you both. You and your crazy teeth make me smile a lot and i wouldn't be the same without you. Thanks for singing, dancing, loving, and caring for me. Thanks for praying, for sharing, for weeping, with me. Thanks for your love for God too. Thanks for catching me out in my crazy ways and helping lead me in a better direction.

My mum, your Grandma, said something great when we first moved to Palmy. She said we needed to enjoy our life, whilst waiting for your dad to decide if he was going to join us again. And we have done that. We have lived and will keep doing that together. What great advice i can pass onto you - no matter what is going on, we can still choose to live life and live it well.

We can forgive, love, care, heal and walk together.

My heart has always been that daddy would choose to be with me again, so we could be a family. I'm sorry if he doesn't choose that. And even though i can't change that, I can still keep choosing great choices for our family. And we will keep choosing Him, our God, and we will keep choosing to live no matter what comes our way.

Love you my babes, Liv i can't believe you are going to be 6 on Tues! Wahooooooo

soft bullets to thine heart

Not heaps to say at the mo, perhaps it's the heat of summer and i don't want to lash that on my blog as it's been a long time coming!

Yeah for the sun and sweat and exhaustion from it! Yeah for rivers and pools and icy cold water to drink.

I just told a friend that school starting has been hard, only because i have to get up at a certain time and can no longer laze in my bed surfing or reading or slowly drinking my home-grown late'. The girls are grumpyish due to school routine and i've realised i'm not much better due to the emotions that are flying around my head at present.

Weird and slightly funny how you can think you're all in control or all OK about something or maybe just even numb, and then you realise you're not as you're screeching at someone or just being more subdued than normal.

Got some advice, some wisdom, some loving care from some wonderful sages (is that even the right word?), re my up and coming talk with d.

Here are my notes which i needed to take. I can't blame baby brain anymore but wish i could. i just can't seem to retain all the advice i'm given. And what i loved about the wisdom, was that as they finished our time in prayer, they told God he could change anything they had said that may not be right. cool people.

Forgiveness is the right way to respond when someone says sorry. It's also important that they truly know what they have been forgiven for.

Perhaps a list (suggested 3 main painful things that i have worked on forgiving), not too many as to overwhelm or loose the person, and then asking something like: "Is this what you're sorry for?"

NOTE: to say these things in a soft manner is like 'soft bullets to the heart' or as Proverbs says (something like this from memory) 'soft words break bones' - that sounds harsh so it perhaps is not the exact thing that was said, sorry ahhhh baby brain.

another q to ask: So what does sorry mean from now on? or what does sorry mean in terms of adjusting your actions for the future?

NOTE: These questions or statements are meant to be helpful to shed more light on the situation for the person coming to say sorry. So they can truly have an understanding of what they sorry for otherwise it's just like an easy way to get let off the hook. Of course it's talking about people perhaps who aren't fully aware of the pain they have caused the other. It's not a way of shooting that person down or meaning to condemn them at all. It's meant to be done in kindness so people can move on ......

another q to ask: So do you honestly think God is leading you out of this marriage?

Wow what would you say to that? now that is one interesting q! And it's one that needs to be asked.

I need to write these questions down for myself, for processing how i will tackle the next assignment of my heart. These may not be helpful to anyone else but they certainly have given me a framework to work within for this meeting that is just around the corner.

Prayers are needed. Grace too.

Thanks again to friends and family for great advice and those prayers.

I made an avocado dip today with reduced cream - read off the back of a packet.

looked like it would be a cracker!

saute some garlic, coriander, chilli and oil, add that to a mashed avo with lemon juice and add some fresh coriander to the finish product. It was pretty plain, probably because i'd burnt the saute bit so the flavour was possibly gone! but we added sweet chilli sauce and salt to it and it was a nice dip! My one good idea for this year is to try something new every week in regards to food. This was my second for the week.

Hope your week has some really great moments like mine has. Amidst all the new TV shows coming back on, making school lunches again, being an emotional crazy-lady, and being HOT in the heat, I got a job. A small job working a few hours each week. Oh Ye ha. (it seems i do have stuff to say)