The house that Jack built

I’ve wanted a corner-store before, still would have one if it came along – selling cute kitchen things, good food and cafenated beveragesr!
When we moved to our new town, I refered to the house that we owned and had left, the ‘house of pain’. I usually said it in jest but it was the truth.
I had been thrown off a table there, attacked infront of my children, I’d been lied too for over two years and other saddy kind of things. It was painful. But it was also a house that I had dreamt about. It was unusual to own a big house (5 bedrooms) on some land, amidst loads of houses newly built but with no land. I had dreamt of having somewhere with a bit of grass for the kids to play ‘bat-down-cricket’ and hide’n’seek. It was that kind of house. Yes it definitely needed a lot of work, but there was hope for the home that we were building together.
Our house, the house on pooh corner, is up for sale now. We are selling that dream. Well part of the dream and part of it hurts. I’m glad, real glad that we will be rid of it, one less thing to worry about. But it feels a bit sore too. Thinking about what it represented and what it could represent. Saying goodbye to the house of pain and the dreamy house makes me feel a little tender.
Again, again and again I can see the hand of God and I can feel that call to follow Him through this rough stuff. I am called to trust what I don’t see and to trust Him with my fears. I am finding it’s like taking a breath when you haven’t stopped for a few hours for whatever ‘busy’ reason. Oh yeah, I need to just stop and take a moment or a breath. I start to fret a little or to worry and then I’m reminded to take a breath, to trust and move on. That verse in the Bible about not worrying about tomorrow as it will take care of itself, is such a simple and clever one!

Ps 131
1 God, I'm not trying to rule the roost, I don't want to be king of the
mountain.
I haven't meddled where I have no business
or fantasized grandiose plans.

2 I've kept my feet on the ground,
I've cultivated a quiet heart.
Like a baby content in its mother's arms,
my soul is a baby content.

3 Wait, Israel, for God. Wait with hope.
Hope now; hope always!

Arriving and moving on by Ernesto Cardenal

God's call, vocation, is twofold. God calls us saying, 'Come and follow me.' We arrive and then we must follow. We find but must go on seeking. God's call is a never-ending call, to the unknown, to adventure, to follow him in the night, in solitude. It is a call incessantly to go further, and further. For it is not static but dynamic (as creation is also dynamic) and reaching him means going on and on. God's call is like the call to become an explorer; it is an invitation to adventure.



On a lighter note, I’m wearing skinny jeans – I’ve arrived with the fashion! It cracks me up – I’m doing something I swore I’d never do. I kind of think that fashion nowadays is usually typical for only the skinny ones of us, so I’ve kept away from certain fashion items. But I gave it a go, after good consideration, and I don’t look too bad. At least in the dark!




Here is something really really nice to enjoy. As well as not wearing skinny jeans, I’ve never made sticky date, or any kind of date pudding thing. Dates – ewwww yuck. When a friend and I were making dessert recently for a special ocassion, she suggested this recipe with some poached pears. Amazing. Divine. A taste sensation.

Sticky Date pudding
1 ½ C chopped pitted dates
1 C boiling water
1 t baking soda
100g butter, chopped
¾ C brown sugar
2 eggs
1 C self-raising flour
cream to serve

toffee sauce
150g butter, chopped
1 C cream pouring cream
1 ½ C brown sugar

Preheat oven to 180. Place dates, water and soda in a bowl and allow to stand for 5 minutes. Place the mixture in the bowl of a food processor with the butter and sugar and process until well combined. Add the eggs and flour and process until just combined. Pour into a lightly greased tin lined with non-stick baking paper.
Bake for 35 min or until cooked when tested with a skewer. Cool in the tin for ten min. Cut into squares.
To make the sauce, place ingred in saucepan over medium heat and stir until butter is melted. Bring to the boil and cook for 5 minutes or until thickened slightly.

eggs in my head

Holidays come and you sometimes don’t even realize how much you needed them. We just headed away for a few days and had a fab time. The change of scenery, the adventure of the unknown, the new environment, was all bliss. Loved it a lot! Didn’t think I’d love it that much. I love the surprises in life.
We were tripping around places that d and I had many connections, places where we had made memories, celebrated peoples 21sts, mini putt and bowling (I remember getting my first, and possibly only, hole in one!), one anniversary celebrated there with a night in a flash inn and dinner out somewhere lavish, holidays with friends there over many years.
The memories or flashbacks were kind of a surprise too. I felt if I thought too long about them, I’d be sad on the wee holiday. But to name them for what they were has been a good thing. I miss him. Or I miss having ‘someone’. When I looked at the pig and her family at the wee farm we visited, I thought of how we are all feeding pigs at sometime in our life. I just wished d hadn’t walked from me to feed pigs. I felt that loneliness again of doing a holiday without the sense of proper (in my own mind), ‘family’.



Stephanie Dowrick says ‘At the core of loneliness often lies a fear of abandonment, usually experienced as a fear that the loneliness---the feeling of not being wanted by someone, of not being recognized, or understood, or sought after, or appreciated---will go on forever. No rescuer will come. And behind the fear of abandonment is something else: a lack of trust in your own self. Do I exist in any meaningful way? Does my existence matter?’
To be over it (my marriage dissolving) or saying “I’m OK” is fine. Time is healing and God is healing. I do think how nice it’d be if he had gone on holiday with us, if he walked back into our lives after feeding the pigs for a rather long time.
Weird how nice it is to have friendly conversations of recent with him, It could turn at any moment, yet loving, really loving the reminder of how nice it was to be in relationship with Him. My friend, my companion, my husband.
So much in our world, but so far gone now.
Part of our dreams but now apart of them
Provider of our needs, now taker
Lover, now kind of enemy.
Weird – messes with my head, yet again.
And then I read in God’s word, how David had a chance to kill Saul many times yet he held this honor towards him and did not. Saul was deserving of some kind of ‘beating’ from David indeed, but David chose the high road – “As God lives, either God will strike him, or his time will come and he’ll die in bed, or he’ll fall in battle, but God forbid that I should lay a finger on God’s anointed.’ Wow
This is a very scrambled blog of a very scrambled eggs in my head. But more and more I’m Ok with the scrambledness realizing God brings stuff to the light and it’s OK for it to sit there and not be solved right away. Somewhere in the mist of the darkness where the light shines, God uses people, his word, creation and other things to help me see more clearly. I am maturing glady, in my response to situations. I think!
Henri Nouwen – Make the conscious choice to move the attention of your anxious heart away from the waves and direct it to the one who walks on them and says, “It’s me. Don’t be afraid.’ …..
What might happen if I shifted my attention away from the waves and to the One who walks on them? What concrete thing could I do to help redirect my attention and not worry about what is gone, my loss?

I am loving the kind men who help out in our life! They are just incredibly amazing. The girls loved recently having a ride on this dear 'daddy' friend's back. He had chopped firewood while he and his wife and kids visited, gave us loads of stuff and let the kids use him as a horse!
The acts of kindness layer some kind of precious 'daddy' loving in my own heart. Having known the loss of a father at such a young age, i am so mindful of my own kids loss. I am thankful for any effort made by kind friends to show tugs-of-war or daddy-games to my girls.
K decided to climb a steep cliff on our recent holiday. She is a great climber but got to the top and couldn't go any further - ahhhh i had my fancy boots on, my mum (61 years old) offered to climb the great hill and halfway up she got stuck. Two beautiful men came to the rescue and saved my child and mother! It seems simple stuff, but these are layers for me, of God's goodness and his grace to us in our lack. Thank you Daddy God.

End of term party - ya whoooooo!

It came! The girls invited one friend each (our house is rather tiny), we ate - cheezles, lollies, decorated cupcakes, chocolate fondue, had a treasure hunt, made lolly bracelets, played musical statues and other fun games and ended with our favourite family movie about Swiss people getting shipwrecked!
It was pure delight. What traditions will our kids remember?
Hopefully loads.

tears and questions

Sobs were coming out from L tonight. I wish that daddy lived with us. Why did you have to leave? When will he come and live with us?
These are hard q to answer but worth having a shot at with my girls. We discussed them briefly (as they were so tired and a little under the weather). We will have to process them some more over the next few days I’m thinking, but the truth was able to be shared at an age-appropriate level.
“Daddy chose that he didn’t want to live with mummy anymore and I am so sorry but I don’t know if Daddy will ever come and live with us. BUT (there is always a but – it is very necessary most of the time I’m thinking!) let’s remember the good things that our God says”. So we did. There are still questions and there are definitely worries. BUT He is our Redeemer and He is our only hope.
My favourite of all favourite men and preachie type people, preached on divorce on Sunday. So glad it was him saying the stuff he said. Divorce. The D word. Doesn’t even rhyme with anything!
Wasn’t sure how I’d cope with hearing about it but was intrigued and had a sense that all would be OK. I love that preparatory sense that God gives.
A few things I got from it – God’s boundaries and his heart for it are narrow so they protect the very thing that God has designed. They are meant to not help us run away from marriage but to turn to God and others for help.
We tend to handle our ‘situations’ on our own but as believers we can and should do it together in community.
I loved the way he worked through the bible and exeggeted the scripture well so we understood the time and place where Jesus and Matthew and Paul (1 Cor) were talking from. It was interesting and it was gracious. It wasn’t black and white and as a congregation we were encouraged that it never was.
Lastly he finished talking about the woman at the well who had 5 husbands. Jesus showed such grace to her. He didn’t judge. He helped and loved.
That was a great reminder of who He is and how we can be encouraged to act out his love in ‘community’. I haven’t given this guys preach much justice on paper, as I thought it was awesome. But it’s good for me to get down my small and various thoughts on it.
Wonder what our future holds? Wonder what it looks like and what is around that next big corner? Sometimes it’s best not even to wonder. Live each day, step by step. Live it with Him.