They call them 'talkie-walkies'

The girls got given walkie talkies for Christmas. What seemed like an amazing pressie for them, turned out to be a wonderful gift for us all.
Funny thing being in London: There are a lot of things to do yet it’s harder to find ‘outdoorsie’ things, as the temperature is quite low around town!
My bro took us to a park, which was all ‘land’, but with the added bonus of herds (?) of deer, we were loving that. Livvy was keen to chase the deer with her Uncle even after we read the sign about not going too close to Bambi.
But on another particular day in London, it was particularly cold so the ‘park’ option was out. We got to thinking and wondered if we could play some kind of ‘hide and seek’ game down the street amongst the shops, using our new toys as the main mode of communication. Suddenly our idea developed and we had made up a fab game, which needed to be played completely inside a 4 story department store. This game we made up was a cross between hide’n’seek, 20 questions and ‘go-home-stay-home’. It was hilarious and exciting. We hid in teams and the losing team were the one who took loads of questions to find the other team, all within lingerie, shoes, fragrance, more shoes, homewear and a cafe. I really had to keep my focus. Nobody seemed to mind us playing our adventure in their store. Infact I found some of the workers rather helpful. Some were perhaps jealous of our new toy, which has a 3km range.
I guess as this is the last week of being here, I’m thinking some things: I’m thinking that it doesn’t matter what we do, we seem to have a great time being together. The temperature was 3 degrees today and the girls were happily going along with what matt and I had told them: We were all going out for coffee and then to a movie, which was a movie for adults. The girls would play on the ground with their toys while we enjoyed the movie. No complaints, just acceptance. We had tricked them a ‘goodie’ and took them to see ‘Bedtime stories’ which was a fantastic watch.
I guess that sums it up. Being together, through rough and good times, strengthens our bond and our love for one another.
London is fun and fantastic and different. But what is the best is being with them. My family.

What i remember of a fabulous day

It was incredible waking up to K kissing me saying “Merry Christmas mummy”
It was the same having my bro arrive and us talking to our bro and famiy in Australia. We were on the phone for 2 hours whilst making pancakes, showering, reading new books to the girls and getting ready for our day.
It was surreal, cute and a blessing opening a few presents with my family. It felt a bit small. We were a small no on this day. But it was beautiful and fun.
I loved going to friends in London, where M and S live. We had our lunch at 3:50 and it was 6 courses. Sadly we needed to leave at around 8 as the girls were tired but it was a wonderful, drawn out affair. There were twinkling fairy lights, kids playing happily, swimming in our undies (well the girls anyway), movie watching, wine drinking (juice for the kids), nibbles, Christmas shaped cookies, Italian soup, salad (made of pamham, lettuce, mozzarella, figs and dressing, risotto, lamb shanks with potato, and snow peas, incredible cheesecake, coffee and a cheeseboard).
There were a few moments where I felt alone, but nothing that was ridiculous. I have thought about how I could draw my strength from God and my thoughts to God more as I come up against these feelings. It’s not a natural thing to do so I tend to just breathe in and think about something else. I am hopeful for a real training of my heart in this area.
There were tears. A gorgeous Danish woman sharing a bit of her story, her loss of a child and her finding that God chooses people who aren’t worthy or deserving of His choice. Yet he chooses and I am encouraged.
Thanks God for Christmas. We talked about why you may have chosen to have the King of Kings born in a stable and not a more royal place. The girls had a few ideas and it was a good discussion. The more we talk about you, the more you get glorified and the more we sense you in our lives. Today was a great day, thanks.

A day in Brighton

It’s hard to think of going to the beach when you are staying in London. It kind of feels like it doesn’t fit. Where we are flatting is in Clapham junction, straight opposite a line of take-away restaurants, above and next door to a hairdressers and an organic shop, also across from a major supermarket and right down the road from the Junction. This Junction is a busy place, all of the time, where trains and buses run on strict timetables. It’s a hive of activity. It’s very cool.
At night you can hear sirens blaring, people yelling, loud music and the hustle bustle of the traffic non-stop. It’s amazing how peaceful it can be inside, away from it all, yet hearing it quietly (and sometimes loudly) in the background. It’s crazy. It’s different. It’s London.
So going to Brighton on the train, was a peaceful experience. It is still a bustling town but as you walk down the main road from the top where the station is, you hit the beach. A beach made of pebbles and a calm, peaceful part of the ocean. Wonderful!
We visited the Pier where there were some more wonderful fun rides for the girls. We had fish’n’chips at a cute restaurant where I was asked by a foreigner if my brother and I were thinking of having anymore children. Of course I couldn’t be bothered explaining he was my brother, so I just said “oh we’re still thinking about it”.
We had the most amazing coffee at this café owned by Australians and it was just such a nice day. Everyone else was in a Christmas Eve rush, but we were just cruising along, doing our ‘beach visiting’, patting strange dogs and watching out we didn’t get bashed by ‘Mr Christmas Rush’ with her many bags of shopping!
To finish with, I really like this quote from a book I’ve been reading, as I’m trying to think and act on having Christ more at the centre of me.
Living in us
I don’t want to be the first among a list of values; I want to be at the center of everything. When I live in you, then together we can live through everything that happens to you. Rather than a pyramid, I want to be the center of a mobile, where everything in your life – your friends, family, occupation, thoughts, activities – is connected to me but moves with the wind, in and out and back and forth in an incredible dance of being.

Hello Birthday

Here you are again. It was good to see you, thanks for coming. You seem to come up quickly yet it takes a long time for you to appear. This year you were kind to me, considering how I felt about you arriving. There was no cake though. Our birthdays always have cake. I think I forgot and also couldn’t be bothered. But it was a fine and fun day, thank you Birthday.
We went out for lunch after church, with some friends. I ate cake then – a citrus tart at a French pasterie. Delicious. It’s always important to have you turn up, Birthday, so there is another good reason to eat delicious things.
When you turned up Birthday (and even before you had turned up), I got some lovely presents: In NZ I got a chocolate cooking book (Donna Hay), a Rhubarb white plate with red dots (lovely), a K-Mix blender, a notebook, a book of poetry with a pashmina, a mag subscription for 'dish; and here in London I got a groovy skirt, a matching top, some Lindt chocolates, 4 tops and beautiful cards.
Indeed I was spoilt.
Thanks for coming birthday. I didn’t think I’d enjoy your presence but it was a pleasant surprise. A quiet and peaceful day, a few extra cuddles due to you turning up, not much thought of sad things.
A good day. You can come again. Many times.

The day before

The day before this day was a cool day for the girls regarding those flowers. We have been overwhelmed with flowers this year, mostly because we ask the flowershop next door if we can have their leftovers. But we’ve also been given a bucket load and I’ve really loved it. Who wouldn’t?
These flowers were special and really made me appreciate the thoughtfulness of them. And they weren’t even for me.
Today has been a hard day and I have no idea why. It felt a little like I was walking through sludge, with jandals on. It was a beautiful day weather wise, unlike the german Christmas one, so that wasn’t affecting my mood. Even as I write this, I’m not sure what came over me. It is however my 35th birthday tomorrow. It’s definitely a call for celebration – mum says so anyway. I’ve survived 35 years, or more like she has! I am very far away from home, as I know it and that should be a good, no a grand thing. And it is. But inside I feel a deep sense of loss. I want d to be here to help me celebrate. Well I don’t want him here like he is at the mo. But I miss his company and him doing this stuff with us, as he was.The nice d. Funny how you can want to be with someone, even when they’ve been a jerk.
I can’t even understand why I am feeling sad regarding that. I guess my body (designed amazingly by God), lets me feel these things, so I can deal with whatever it is that is coming up. It is confusing though.
I am BIG into celebrations, but don’t really feel like celebrating. Of course it will be lovely but today I deeply feel the loss, again, like at K’s 6th bday. Strange, but real. I’m just trying to acknowledge those feelings and not push them down, I say, justifying myself. Also I know he will ring tomorrow, and that is hard. He won’t be ringing for me, but it’s Sunday and that has routinely been the day he calls while we’ve been away. I wonder what I would say if he asked to speak to me and said “happy birthday”. I wonder how I’ll feel if he doesn’t acknowlege it at all.
So wearing my jandals, I will go on. There are always good things to think about. I think, wearing my jandals on this sludge-walked day, I will acknowledge God. I am feeling that I haven’t talked or communicated to Him for a very long time, so here goes:
God I give all this stuff to you today. I offer it to you, dirty and all. My feelings of loss and sense of ‘Ahhhhh where do I belong?”, I offer to you. It feels like a weird sacrifice, but a needed one. You have said you would not leave me or forsake me and You have said your plans are good for me (and my family). I thank you for that. Please take the loss of my heart and use it. I Honour you my God, you are my Prince in more ways than just one.
The flowers, given by a friend of my bro, a delicious French man who together with his wife, have loved meeting the girls. They were heading away on their Christmas break and he met with us briefly to say goodbye and he met the girls with a flower each. I was so touched for them. What a godly and wise gesture from a person who has met them 3 times maybe. What a way to show the Father’s love, to delicious girls who need to see that more than ever. Thank you God for the love you show, through flowers and others.

map reading 4 girls

Navigating our way around London is mostly fine. Mum did comment today that her map reading skills weren’t that good. I think she does pretty well for 60, but we clashed a bit with our differing views of how to get places, which was funny (not at the time) as neither of us really had any clue, and if I was honest, she had more of a clue than me.
Amongst the annoyance of taking a long time to get to our destination, somewhere in there, I just felt like crying. It came over me for a brief moment and I pushed it aside, as there wasn’t any time for crying amidst the winter wonderland we were experiencing. There were rides, german sausage, mulled wine, more rides and stalls galore to explore. It was a fun time at Hyde park ‘Winter wonderland’. I think navigating the toilets (which you had to pay 30p to use), loaded trains at non-peakhour times, bad bad coffee, the 12 million people (some rude), I just felt a little overwhelmed. I soon got over it and the rest of the day was lovely.
I was reminded later that day as I talked with my bro, that it’s about choices. Little did I realise that again I wasn’t talking to anyone but myself. I have choices each day to make about how I’ll react and some days I fail miserably. Today was a bit of a failing but yeah that tomorrow comes and we get to start again and try a different route to get to where we’re going.
Also it was toe-biting frozen today. I was warm all over (thank the Lord for Merino) apart from my face. And it really felt it, my poor wee face. Even the girls commented on the temp. I have been impressed with how great the weather has been but not now. I am living in my freezer. When outside anyway.

Some deeper musings

Some groovy things of late ….
Matt, my tender hearted bro, giving me quite a few pounds to spend on myself, thus far I’ve bought Tana Ramsay’s new cooking book, Dawn French’s ‘Dear Fatty’ which is a very funny read, and some leather gloves (sounds nerdy but I’ve always wanted some)!
Going out for Thai with my wonderful Sarah (gorgeous friend and matt’s wifey) and catching up
Making Christmas decorations with the girls – sewing even!
Watching ‘Flight of the concords’ and ‘Arrested development’ (TV series) which I’ve found particularly funny (not at all educational, just funny!)
Reading a few books – the Shack, Dear Fatty and ‘the curious incident of the dog in the night-time’ (a book about an aspergeous syndrome kid)
Having family come round most nights to hang out
Of course tripping around London most days has been spectaular!
Making a Home made tree, thinking it might make the next ‘home and garden’ Christmas edition magazine!
Mum and I have had quite a few laughs, at each others expense and we’ve also worked as a pretty good team, as bossy as each other!
Finding a Milly Molly Mandy Chapter book for K to read, her first ever chapter book which she is in love with!
Girls loving being here, far away from everything normal. They are adoring seeing their Uncle and Aunty and all their special adult friends.

Dumb things of late ….
The girls loving chocolate croissants too, that means I need to buy more than one when I’m feeding my own addiction!
Being sick with the flu and the embarrassment of nearly breaking my ankle, after only falling down one stair, in Paris!
L being sick, for quite a few days with a very high temp. That has worried me a bit. Funny thing was today when she said “dumb-Lord” (her expression to God after him supposedly not answering her prayer!), she was better within 20 minutes. It was a dramatic change in her physical well-being. That was a good thing.

This month, a year ago, our lives as we knew it fell apart. It hasn’t made my time stink, but I do think about it, esp over this last weekend. It is good (not a dumb thing) to look over and see how much God has done in and through us this year, it’s hard to express actually but I know that I am different. There is pain and there is death and there is resurrection. I guess I’m hopeful again, that this next stage is the ‘resurrection’ stage. The stage where we all look different, where we are changed (almost unrecognizable), and where we are alive. The control freak in me wishes that we could see some signs of ‘resurrection’ in d. the control freak in me has to realize that I can’t control that and that maybe I wouldn’t recognize what that would look like in him either! Emmmm.

The last great thing I’m thinking about regarding the holiday we're on– no routine tomorrow, ah what to do? And I don’t even have to worry about it. I'm appreciating that.

Christmas is looming

Yes it is and here is a picture of the arty tree we have made. Liv doesn’t seem to think too much of it esp as I said the Lindor chocolates are for adults! There are only 5 so I think that’s fair! I think it’s brilliant considering we have nothing with us like that!
Last night, in memory of the coming seasons, I asked the girls to tell the Christmas story (the Jesus one) with the nativity figures grandma had just bought. They both did their own version and were pretty accurate. Amidst the busyness of this season, I don’t want us to forget our King. I have been reading The Shack, and it’s just been another book that has helped me remember and learn and be encouraged, more about the King of my Heart. Living with Him in my life, in every part of my day, is truly a gift and a blessing. I hope to focus more on that exact point in the coming year.

Oh to be a queen ....

Windsor Castle – we went to see Lizzy today. My Olivia kept reminding me that her name was Elizabeth, but sadly she wasn’t available for tea and scones. It was our second visit to the castle (in as many as 3 years) and it was wonderful. The girls enjoyed an audio tour for kids and mum and I enjoyed that too. Today was freezing however. I felt the need for a balaclava but it doesn’t seem very popular over here. I have this incredible scarf tube thing, borrowed from a friend (a moochi one!) which is rather handy when I need to cover my face up with a tube of wool! The girls are handling the weather particularly well and are very keen for snow. I on the other hand, am not so keen on snow and preferred the milder weather from last week. BUT I still haven’t had to put my thermal legs on. Mind you mum did talk about how the guard probably was wearing long johns today, infront of him. He is not allowed to talk or smile so it seems, but mum got him smiling. I felt a little embarrassed but soon got over it! A brilliant day and even better as I got the internet going at our wee flat we are staying at!

My French adventure

Paris – it’s hard to write it all down, but it was about ‘being’. I enjoyed the simple things – trying coffee and yes viewing the sights (arc de triump, sacre cur, the eifle tower, the louve and notre dame, excuse the spelling!). But mostly I enjoyed the people I was with and their family. My oldest friend since kindy was who I was with and I met her family again (after many years) and my sister’n’law’s brother, whom I am very fond of. It was a grand time. I am blessed.

The big city!!!

Dec 4th
Today was a biggish and culture adventure. We had to buy a day-rover type ticket where we got to ride as many trains or buses as we pleased. This week we are staying in Kingston, which is a beautiful town-ship. The houses are lovely and as we walked to the train station today, we saw many examples. The funny thing about London, is amongst beautiful houses and Volvo cars, you can have huge apartment buildings – 5 or so of them in a row, boxed together to house some of the 12 million people. It’s not the most pictureisque but it’s what it’s like. We caught a train from Norbiton to Waterloo (where we tried to sing Abba’s no) and then an underground to Leicester Square where we walked to Trafalgar Square.
The girls had anticipated visiting the Lions at Trafalgar Sq and were pleased when we came around the corner to spot the huge beasts. Even huger when we were up close and personal with them! Livvy screamed with delight when we spotted big Ben and they graciously posed for some photos of course! It was fun spotting some of the Christmas decorations as we walked down Oxford St, heading towards Hamleys toy store. We spent ages in the shop, trying not to be sucked into the sales pitches of the many demonstrations.
Before the toy store, we went to the London National Gallery. It was an amazing place, which we were able to enjoy for a short time. Livvy lost interest after awhile so we headed out for lunch in the square. I was really pleased with all that we got done on our first trip to the city. I was pretty tired at the end of that but there is nothing like a coffee and a chocolate pastry twist at Waterloo station, to heighten energy levels. I was also pleased with the photos I was able to take. I kept my camera in my pocket without it’s case and it was just so easy to pop it out when needed. I tried to get a picture of the squirrel that Liv noticed on our walk to the station, but I was too slow. Or the squirrel was too fast.
We came up with nick-names the other day for a few of us: Livvy – plate face (due to the mark on her eye from the plate hitting her as she walked past me in the kitchen) or Grandma: neck face (due to her having to wear her neck brace from her whiplash experience with a garden!). Livvy mocks the lady’s voice on the bus “85 to Kingston”. She replies”You’ve already said that old lady”.
The girls love sitting up top on the double decker bus and balancing against the bar by the front window. The bus and it’s sudden starts, keep the girls entertained for most of the trip to wherever we may be going!

A few days of ......

We met up with Aunty Sarah at Carucchio’s, a café in Putney. It was our virgin experience of catching a no 85 bus to Putney Bridge, with the girls and all the warm clothing we could muster up. It was actually the second beautiful day in London, despite the chill factor.
The girls loved getting on the double decker buses. We sat up top after a few trips, getting more confident each time we ride! Sarah took us to a West Field mall – a new one in Shepherds Bush. It is the biggest mall in Europe apparently! Sarah gave the girls ten pound each to buy something from the Disney store. They were in awe and chose perfectly. They are still being champs, not running out of gas too quickly. They are happy to play at home where we are staying. They love the adventures that we plan each day too.
Liv woke this morning at 2am. I am hoping that won’t happen anymore, as kaiya (who is sharing a bed with grandma) is waking at a very decent hour indeed. I’ve had pretty bad coffee’s thus far – except for the Italian café with Sarah.
There are many fun things to buy. Should one wait for the sales in Jan where I would risk perhaps losing a limb, or enjoy buying a few books or special things now? Emmmm what to do, what to do?

To London and beyond ...

The day, 30th Nov 08, was a long one indeed but a great one. We got up on that day not realizing how long that day would end up being. Instead of spending an hour in Sydney, we had 5. This was a lot more than an hour – we had 5 hours in a terminal that was being done up so there was nothing but duty free shops and a few other random food stores. These food stores were run by the same company so they had the same food, no variety. And there was a pub. Because there were 4 of us traveling, we were given $20 each to spend at any food outlets in the airport. Sadly, there were only these 2 stores plus the pub. So over 5 hours we tried our best to spend $80 – sounds easy but all we ate was bad coffee, freshly squeezed orange juice, hot chocolates, tapa’s, fruit salad and anything else to add up to our vouchers total! In some ways, this was the most exciting part of the waiting and also watching the girls use trolleys to have races around the terminal, trying to avoid all dangers of crashing into others or things.
But the worst was over – once we got on the plane headed to Singapore, the girls fell asleep and the rest was history. It was amazing – the girls were so content and happy to be sitting down for extended periods of time, watching dora, mickey mouse and bits of Space chimps or Beverley Hills chiwhuawhua (how do you spell that word?) and eating crazy aeroplane meals – small, dinky bits of food!
We arrived and got through customs etc pretty quickly, so grateful to finally feast our eyes on Matt, my precious brother. We were all rugged up with hats, scarves etc and ready to head home. This was not quite as easy as it sounds with our 4 suitcases including the kitchen sink. Mum had recently had an accident which meant she was left with a broken rib, bruised ear and whiplash in her neck, so she was not able to help carry much. Matt and I headed out with the suitcases, trying to encourage the girls who were at the end of their tether by now. It was a mission especially when I let one of the suitcases go down an esculator, yelling out “mum, mum!” to help her not get hit by the falling kitchen sink! Then the problem of getting the suitcases on or off the underground train manouvering them as well as the children, pushchair and grandma (who was very capable indeed)!
We are here. It is lovely. It is slightly cold. But it is surreal and very lovely indeed.

Lavish love

This is prob the last one, not that I’ve written many recently, that I’ll do until we are visiting London. And then I don’t even know what internet use I’ll get there! We leave in a week. Wowzers, so much to do. I’m really looking forward to being with my family. It represents closeness, acceptance, the bond of blood but also of love. I’m looking forward to what God may do through me but mostly what He will allow me to see and understand of Him. I feel it will be a great time away from the sad normality of our life this year, to hear from Him.
It’s a funny thing telling people we’re going. London sounds like a famous, fabulous place to be going. But truthfully the thing I’m most please about with our planned excursion, is to be with my family. I also feel a loss with going (this possibly sounds particularly selfish when first heard, but it’s the realness of my heart), that we aren’t going as a complete family. D won’t be with us. Yes it’s a wonderful and exciting opportunity. It also has a hint of emotion, of which I can’t quite express very well.
This last week we were all sick. That really sucked. But amongst it there were some cool things, like K serving us as L and I lay on the couch – she got us water and wrapped blankets over us etc. Very sweet.
Later that week I watched as 4 year old L was watching a movie. At the same time it amused me that she was able to balance herself on her drinkbottle while watching. So clever. K, the older one, told me the first swear word she had learnt. She said it slowly and with a slight bit of glee. I replied: if you ever say that again, you’ll have your mouth washed out with soap (or piri piri seasoning which a friend told me was a goodie!) and then I said “thank you so much for telling mummy about that”. It was a good moment of parenting – firm but also gracious, I think.
I hope to write a bit about what God has done this year for me, before 08 ends, but here is a glimpse of a blessing: 21 red roses, whoever gets given that amount? That’s what I keep thinking,. I did. I got given 21 red roses. I went out for coffee with the friend and florist later that week and said my thanks (words are hard to find with such lavishness). This new friend explained she had overordered, by a-lot and was asking God why. She felt to give them to me and to explain that God wanted to show his lavish love to you this way Sarah, and to remind you that He has not forgotten you. A few tears came. That was pretty special. Very special.

times fly

Today is a very dumb day. It shouldn’t be a very dumb day at all, but without expecting or thinking about it, it has become an Eeyore-black-rain cloud day. It’s one of those days where I feel a deep sadness come over me and I want to fix it by buying something (of which I have done) and/or eating something (of which I’m just enjoying a lemon muffin from the freezer full of long bits of rind). But as I drove along realizing my plight of black cloud-ness, I was again fully aware of the choice I had. I could turn my stuff over to God. So I cried, without too many words. For quite awhile I just let myself cry. I’m hoping this is a good sign of how far I’ve come, but there is still more melting of my face that is needed.
It’s funny (well not hilarious!) how stuff can just pop up and you’re like “ahhhhh, where did that come from?” It’s good timing I must believe, however annoying it may be.
Today is K’s birthday. And I’m a crazy mum. I love tradition, I love cake, I love present finding. But today we did it without D. We took our family photo with everyone in their pj’s on our bed, without d. He is always here for all this silly, crazy stuff. He video’s the present opening, he sets the camera up for the family photo on the bed and he writes in our special book that we have. He and I both write about all the amazing thoughts and feelings we have for K and then we stick the crazy family photo in. This year the photo will be of only the 3 of us and that makes me sad. Very sad today.
I love it how you can try to control everything and be all organized but when it comes to it, and the cracks show, you can fall face down again, realizing your need for God in your crazy world. I just do need you God, like a warm blanket on a cold night, like the glimpse of sun on a rainy day with a promise of what is to come, like gentle incredible peace that totally surpasses understanding. I am just here, sitting, being me and it hurts today. Other days are fine and lovely. But today is simply not. And I recognize my need for you God.
My precious K grace, I am so hopeful you won’t see mum’s face melting today, on your first day of being 6. You are an incredible young girl. You have a tremendously big heart, that has room for others and not just yourself. You openly confess God as someone you desire to know and to put first and that is so great. You make me think and you make me laugh. I love every part of you, the good and the rascally. The rascally parts just make me aware that you are normal and that you too struggle with being a human. I am so grateful for your prayers, your morning hugs, your special notes, the ideas that you have and your willingness to share your opinion. I trust that I can help you make the most of being 6 in this next year.
God bless my girl. Show her more of you and how to live through this season and into the next. Thank you for K. Thank you for your grace.
(i haven't blogged for ages and the great thing is, i am not feeling guilty! big stuff 4 me)

hard to resist invitations

Invites – I find them hard to get out I’ve realized. K is turning 6 next month and the date for her party is going to be the first day of that month! Ahhhhh only a week and a bit away. It has taken me awhile to get round to doing the invites. Partly because I feel nervous about having the party in a new place and with a whole lot of new peeps.
I think I’m lacking a bit of confidence even though I absolutely love parties and planning for them. I often say that we need any reason to have a celebration, whether with a few friends or a load. K is allowed to invite 5 to her party and that was a mammoth task. The names often changed up to the day of giving them out. I’m going to have an early party myself this year. We head away to London end of Nov and my birthday is nearer to Christmas. I remind myself that I want to have a party but it’s harder to get those invites out. I think I could pull the pin and not do it. But I kind of know that entertaining and having people enjoy themselves at my place, is very important to me. ‘Ahhhh I’m doing this on my own’ and ‘what if no-one wants to come?’ and ‘what will we do?’, are all q I am asking myself. Anyway once the invites are out – hope to do that this weekend, I’ll have to do it.
The last party I planned for myself was going to be amazing. But it turned out to be the most disasterous time of my life. Things with d had exploded, literally, and having a party thrown by me, for me wasn’t going to be possible. Actually d encouraged me too, at that time he was still in this marriage for the long haul. Good on him. A few girls and I went out for coffee and cake but it wasn’t the original plan.
Part of this whole party thing is reminding me of that particular time. Same time last year. But this year we are getting as far away from the memories as possible – London. Good move I’m thinking. I am so grateful to my family for this opportunity for the girls and i.
Over and above all this feeling of ahhhhhhh, I know in my heart and head that having a party, celebrating the memories of this year, with delicious friends (mostly new) who have prayed, given, loved and cheered me on, is a fab thing to do (long sentence sorry). Apart from deciding what to wear, no matter even what we eat, the path is obvious. Celebrate – look back on how far you’ve come, and look forward to great things around the corner. I’ve just talked myself into that party I think.
Today L said some great things. We rode our mobiles (me walking) to the local great park and had an ice cream there. L chose boysenberry but asked for poisonberry, as she thought it was pronounced that way. As we were eating them, I commented that I could see a peacock with it’s feathers out. She remarked that peacocks do lots of wees. What? She then told K and I that wees was the same as pee. The boys at preschool talk like that, she said. He he. Then she finished by saying she thought boys ate Boysenberry icecream. I liked her thinking about words.
Back to invites: God’s invitation is quite clear and he never has to think about whether he will write it or not. Come to me all who are thirsty and I will give you something to drink. He is so great. He is so not worried about inviting and it’s open to all, not just 5. I love your invite God.
Above are some flowers of colour that I adore, of flowers that have lifted my heart as I’ve walked. Only a few, but goodies. Don’t you love spring?

woodpigeon or kereru?

The preacher dude at church talked about different circumstances in his life where he had hurt himself (getting hit in the head with a branch, a nose break from a hockey stick!) and how he got restored. He then talked about our bodies and how our body represents Christ and the church. You could tell where he was going but again I am impressed how much I need to hear God’s word again and how it can be the same-ish message but I can still get so much from it. With each of his examples of brokenness, he said 2 things: It’s Ok to bleed (or break or get hit) and God is going to restore you. It was a simple and accurate reminder which sometimes is not heard in church – its OK to be sad and have down times. How we react is the key. I have been living that, this year – it was great to hear it up the front.
After talking with a dear friend today, I asked our girls a few simple q: What do you think God would say to a little girl? They replied: “I love you”. “You are doing great”. Next q: What do you think God would say to a little girl who had something sad happen? “Come to me”, said the 4 year old. “It’s OK”, said the 5 year old. Another q from mum: What do you think God would say to a lovely girl called …….. (their names were slotted in there)? They answered really nice things (I can’t recall them right now! Ahhhh my memory). And the last q was: Where do you think God is standing with you? “Right next to me”, was the answer from both girls.
Sometimes we need to picture where God is for us and also what he would be saying. I love it how these girls are so young yet they know some immovable truth: God is right with us, right beside us, cheering us on and comforting us. I will ask again, maybe on a day when life is screaming “ouch” at them. Maybe this is another way to help them in the grief they are experiencing this year. I hope so.
A funny things: After the girls got home from staying with daddy, we ate dinner outside for the first time since spring has arrived. It was lovely. We played soccer in our small concrete area and we read the final beatrix potter story we have. Whilst doing this, the youngest one was snuggling up to me. I asked what she was doing as it was a different cuddle than normal. “I just like cuddling your boobie mum”. He he, very cute. That same girl showed me her cleverness outside while we admired two beautiful birds. We were trying to work out what they were, I thought they were either “kereru or woodpigeons”. “Mum Kereru and woodpigeons are the same thing don’t you know!” Ahhhhh so clever, absent minded mum strikes again. So does bright little poppet!

Some of the weird (or perhaps even amazing) thoughts that have passed through my head and cool things that I have witnessed over the last few days:
I am amazed at how a tickle monster can lie on a bed and have so much fun with children. I am that very monster sometimes and it seems to be such a great and rough way to hang out with the girls. They love it, constantly come back for more and seem disappointed when it ends!
Simple acts of kindness – inviting someone to t, even if it’s eggs on toast, is a great thing to do. I feel very grateful for those invitations. They often come when I really need them.
What about this? A simple rule for parenting good eaters: We have at least one mouthful of everything on our plate (that rule is mainly focused on the new things we are trying, so at least they are tried!). K has developed her palette since we’ve started this: asparagus was asked for in the supermarket the other day, much to my delight! Roast capsicum and the Mango. I heard that Ian Grant suggests that at some age the children can have a list of 5 things on the fridge that they don’t like and then the rest has to be eaten, cool idea!
Treats aren’t treats anymore?! A friend said this to me, being convicted of the amount of chocie and chippies she was eating. It doesn’t seem to be as much of a treat nowadays, especially with our own children. It’s kind of normal, it’s so cheap and that has really challenged me. I am hopeful I’ll do something about it.
Beatrix potter and Paddington Bear. I am loving to find classics that are enjoyed still, to read with the girls. We even borrowed Paddington from a friend on dvd. Oh my goodness, it’s even on dvd! I am grateful for my friends who share their advice and great parenting tools, even books. Love it.
A delicious far away friend sent us some wafers and instant pudding. What a cool parcel to receive with a recipe of what to do with them. Thank you my friend , you are so much fun and so thoughtful.
Prayer. The other night was a most disasterous one on my scale of disasters. K said it was the worst of all the worst days and that it had hit her top of the list! I agreed with her. After having several battles with her to get to sleep, on our holiday, which took over an hour, I thought all was lost and I felt completely numb and useless as a dear mummy. My friends prayed with me, maybe even cried with me after she seemed finally tucked up for the night. It was wonderful and completely calmed my heart down. One prayed that overnight there would be a change in her spirit. No sooner was that prayer prayed, that darling 5 year old came in and told me she was very very very sorry.
God you are amazing and sometimes it is only you that can give peace, no matter how hard I try to make it myself. May I look to you more and more instead of being the control freak that I am. Glory to you, King of my heart.

Precious moments

Today was a nice day. We have met the next door neighbour a few times, a lovely chinese girl. We have taken her home made cookies and she has given us flowers. We know her by name and she has endeavoured to learn the girls names too. She is a sweetie. Tonight was the night that she came for tea.
It went so well. I thought that ‘being kind to my neighbour’ would be just that. Funny thing is, I think I learnt more and got encouraged more by her! This lovely girl told me she thought my cooking was professional (it was slightly cold and the couscous was gluggy!), that my parenting was so good (she confessed to seeing supernanny and commented on how horrible children could be) and she told me that d needed time to sort himself out! I am wowed by her.
As a family we played whonu (cranium) with her and it was delightful seeing her look up her computer dictionary to find out what brussel sprouts were (such a great game to play with people whose English is their 2nd language) and for her to show us where she lived before coming to New Zealand.
In the middle of a storm it is so easy to get swept away with it and forget about the simplicity of life – inviting a stranger to dinner. It’s something that I said (would you like to come to dinner?), before I had even thought about the consequences. What would we eat? What would we talk about? I am challenged again by the bible, 1 Cor 13 – sums up a life of love – putting others before ourselves. Others are important.
Some quotes of recent:
L (the 4 year old) told me in the car the other day, that she wanted to be a coffee maker and a show girl! “what do you mean a show girl L?”, I queeried after I’d laughed out loud.
“I want to do shows about princesses,” L replied. I was glad that was added and also that her sister would have to help. She would make coffee in the day and be a show girl at night. Hillarious.
A quote from a delicious friend: let emotions come like visitors...stay a while, entertain them and then let them exit. That we never know whether it's cleaning us out for something new?
I have had some wonderful times with some new and old friends this week. I have had the joy of hearing some stories of life from them. It cements the thoughts I already have about our lives. They are meant to be shared. Stories of things we have been through, even if they are not complete, are so encouraging for others. Let’s keep sharing our highs and lows with one another. I love your stories. I’m learning to love mine.

I’m really looking forward to the holidays. We haven’t got much planned yet but I’m pretty sure it will grow into something special each day. Even if that does mean just staying home, making ginger gems for ourselves and having puppet shows or riding bikes to the park.
The girls and I wrote a list of things that we would like to do – only about 3 of them were costly things – going to the two dollar shop and the dairy! One of the things I’m looking forward to, is not having to get up to get k ready for school. Laying in bed longer, reading a book or just having some extra zzzz’s will be amazing.
This is the last set of holidays before our big OE together. As this approaches there is certainly some excitement for me. I’m also feeling sadly aware that nearly a year has gone by and no major miracle has happened yet for d, that I am aware of. I hate that. I am somewhat mystified by it too, how one can change so radically without consideration for another. Finding compassion for a person who is without kindness is something that is Christ-like. I am stirred and challenged by Jesus and by others in this season, in how to treat one who acts coldly and harsly, to treat as Christ would. I am, even though it’s hard, grateful to wise ones who have spoken kindly to my heart, when it’s been stone-ish.
As humans we are quite mysterious. The transformation that a caterpillar goes through to become an amazing butterfly happens to us all, if we allow it. It is the time that we find hard to accept. I certainly do. I read that the waiting (cocoon time) precedes celebration. I am feeling quite tired again, of the waiting. Funny thing is, the most change seems to happen in the waiting time for a caterpillar in cocoon. Encouraging I guess.
What does this look like, the waiting that is? Sometimes I feel like it’s a picture of me waiting for a cake to cook when I’m supposed to have been out the door 10 minutes earlier and the cake is still doughy in the middle. But how it looks in the every day swing of things, is not me sitting at home twiddling my thumbs. Waiting looks like a road well travelled with a few bumps on the way, where I’m living life, making the most of opportunities, not doing too much extra but focusing on being a good mum and making memories with the girls with the final destination not actually known (very long sentence!). I can do this. I’ve been doing it all year and in writing this down, I’m seeing that I actually can do this.
Some things I’m looking forward too during the cocoon time I’m in: wearing my new slippers in (I love ugg boots, they are the best!), making an orange chocolate cake (with a whole orange, pith and all), having to learn to use the food processor to make that cake, going away with some delicious friends for a wee break in the holidays, taking some more photos ……………….
The road best walked, is one with Him. “He walks with me, he talks with me, along life’s narrow way”. And He asks me to tell Him my story, for Him to hear it from my mouth, even though He knows every part. Thank you God, for being in my story, every step of the way.

Missing

I miss you.
I miss you laughing at my fopars, my childish sillyness.
I miss your touch, your sense of direction, your help with parenting.
I miss doing life with you and the I hate the fear of not being able to do it with you again.
I miss your love of English comedy, your ability to make an evening more fun by suggesting great things to do with our friends.
I feel lonely without you here with me.
I miss the manly help with sorting the fireplace out. I miss you doing the finances.
I miss being a team and I miss encouraging you in your gifting.
I miss the masculine side of our family, the rough and tumble. Mine just doesn’t cut it quite as well with the girls.
We are not the same without you. Your choices are a huge loss to us. I miss you being here with me in this new adventure of our life. I miss your wisdom and I miss playing games of cards.
I miss socialising as a couple. It is not the same.
I miss your prayers, they were good prayers.
Today apparently, you had an operation. I actually missed picking you up from the hospital and helping you with whatever pain you are in.
I miss telling you all the funny things that the girls say. The prayers they pray, the thoughts and feelings they have.
I miss you cooking bangers and mash. I miss you using the bbq.
I miss.

snap mum!

I got L these cute red shoes a few months ago, put them away and then as i was thinking i needed to buy her some new shoes, i remembered these goodies. She was excited. New red shoes. which woman wouldn't be, let alone a 4 year old! "Snap mum" she said. What a cool kid. L wanted me to put mine on straight away so we could match. We have fun wearing our shoes at the same time.
On our car travels today, L told me what she wanted to be (one day!). Her usual answer to this q if asked, is: A baker, a builder and to have a baby. But today without me even asking, she told me she would like to be a coffee maker. I was thrilled. Free help with my addiction one day perhaps. But straight after that, she added "and a show girl". I laughed out loud a lot. I asked her what she meant and she said she wanted to put on shows. Good on her. Princess shows. I knew she would be good at that. "K will have to help me mum. I'll do the coffee in the day and the shows at night!"
I had the girls in bed with me this morning. a lovely early morning visit with tickles and playing "my grandmother went on a holiday and in her suitcase she took ......." I felt it was time to launch in with a helpful comment or two from myself. These comments that i was about to proceed with, had been thoughts that had been tickling their way around my head for a few days. I said "You know this whole thing with daddy not living with us?" silence and eyes starting ..... "well it's not your fault and i wanted to remind you that it wasn't." L broke the starkness with "yeah it's your fault mum". hillarious - not. K said "na it's dad's fault." we then talked about plans - K had come up with this amazing plan of attack - to dress up and several of us (in the mission impossible team) were to knock on the back door and run away and then she would knock on the front door, he would be surprised and we would rush in the back door and tie him up. we'd bring him to where we live now. I love their plan. it cracks me up that they can have 'strategy' for saving our world.
I just ended the fun conversation of our 'surprise attack' with: "that is a great plan". "what else can we do to help daddy, that doesn't involve stealing him?". I simply reminded them about God's plans for our lives and how they are good. I kindly suggested we could pray for him even more, together.
It was a great moment. it soon moved onto - "can we please read the Horse and his boy?"
The picture of coffee and delicious things is some melting moments that i made this week. i'd been so keen to try to make them and i did. Boy they hit the spot.

In my dreams

So I had this dream ……… several actually, about this guy who I hardly know. Similar situation to me. His wife left him. We haven’t talked about it at all, it’s just what I’ve heard. Funny thing is, even though I’ve only talked a few sentences to him, at the various occasions we’ve both been at, I have had him visit my dreams.
Poor guy. In the first dream we were at a party. I said I hadn’t had a ‘pash’ for ages and would he be up for it. He he. Of course the guy was. That’s as far as it went as I woke up. Good thing. Second dream was where I was hanging out more with him watching movies etc at our house. I woke up and was bothered for the whole day about these dreams. I drew tree diagrams in my head of all the reasons that it wouldn’t be a good idea to pursue something with him. But I did keep thinking about it and sometimes it was nice to think about. Anyway after all that, it doesn’t matter particularly who the dream was about, (it could have been anyone representing the ‘male’), I realised it was about how I missed having a male around. I have always missed having my dad around as he died when I was 11. I have loved hugs from older friends who are men, as they kind of represent what my dad would have been/done. So now having lost a 2nd significant male in my life, I’m feeling pretty low about it. I miss the hugs, the touch, the companionship and the intimacy. I am sad. It has freaked me out to realise how vulnerable I am and how I felt such a strong pull to do something that I know is not something I want to do.
This is a significant 2nd loss for me and I am feeling it immensely. I have explained it to God in simple terms, repeating it over and over with tears: I miss not having a dad. I miss not having d. And that’s ok that that is all that comes out. Its’ raw and truthful and there need not be any fancier words.

glorious food ...

I’ve got to the best weight I’ve ever been this year. It was a number that I’d always hoped to be and never dreamed possible I think. The only reason I got there was because of the stress of the trauma in my life but it seemed to be one of the better things that had come from that time. So many positive comments. Feeling better buying a different size. But today I am feeling disappointed as my pants seem tighter and the scales don’t say that magic number. I’ve felt this coming on over the past months and haven’t been able to stop myself eating those extra things I’ve decided I deserve! For some reason, I remember when my dad died (at age 11), my mum would eat packets of biscuits in the evenings (not sure how I even know that) and she preceeded to put on weight. Yikes I’m thinking. My husband hasn’t died, but it feels like he has. And I find myself, by myself in the evenings. And I find myself needing a little something to lift me up. So I abide in those feelings and go for it. People always seem to want to leave me delicious morsels and of course my love of baking has not helped me move away from this unhealthy habit.
This week I’ve walked a lot, in effort to help my mind breathe but also to move my body. Each time I’ve walked it has poured with rain on the way home. Crazy especially pushing my girl who is 4, who puts up with mum’s crazy need for walk. I think I can do something about my eating habits. I’ve decided that I will eat smaller portions – serve myself smaller portions esp at main meals. That is my big epiphany and I haven’t come to a healthy decision re the fattening feasts after the girls have gone to bed. So I guess I felt like I’d arrived this year, when I saw that number on the scales. And now I feel it’s slipping away from me and I have felt quite powerless. Ah what to do. How do I bccome accountable for these eating habits? When you have a friend or husband, you can work on it together. D and I went to weight watchers together to loose 5 0or 10 kg a few years ago. It was a really positive move. What is the real reason I am eating? (that’s what the counsellor would say for sure!). These are some good questions, none of which I’m able to answer whole heartedly yet, but good to get out on the table.
I’m looking forward to tomorrow, a sleep-in while the girls watch a movie, some time at a lovely friends house for lunch and then maybe a bike ride down the road before we settle in for the evening at home. Will sat pm involve me resisting temptation or having another scoopful or 2 of that irresistible cookies and cream flavour in our freezer! Ahhhhhhh.

Walking with someone

Yesterday I walked from my home to the otherside of town, trying to get there in time for an appointment whilst also trying to get some fitness in. When I arrived, proud of myself for making it, the ladies on reception were quite impressed and offered me coffee to recover from my effort (water was what I needed really)! They commented on how relaxing a walk can be, admiring creation etc. I agreed but had also came to realise that it hadn’t been relaxing at all, as I was quite stressed about getting to my appointment on time. I laughed at how it was a chance for me to get exercised and also to have some time for my head to clear, yet how it had counterbalanced due to the face I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it! I read a section from CS Lewis’s ‘the horse and his boy’, where Shasta (the boy) is walking with his horse, after some real tough stuff. He becomes aware, as he is walking along, of a ‘creature’ quietly walking with him. Eventually, when he can ignore it no longer, he talks to this creature. He shares his own woeful story (after the ‘thing’ asks to hear his story’) and finds that through all of the ‘situations’ that nearly took his life, this creature was there with him. Sometimes this creature had even saved his life, though Shasta didn’t recognise that at the time. He ends up commenting on how He was there in the story of his life. It is such a lovely piece of writing, directing our hearts to the fact that God is in every part of our story, yet he still wants to hear how it is from us.
I’ve been back from my retreat experience and sadly been quite busy with ‘stuff’ since then. I laugh in some ways when I think about the retreat. I was the youngest by miles (sort of the only one with full coloured hair) and I was also the only one not to wear any polar fleece. I wanted to giggle out loud at times (when it was not a time to be talking even) so I had to concentrate on behaving myself. At times this is hard for me. Hard to imagine?
I loved some definite things about the retreat: having time with a wonderful lady, older than me, who listened and pointed me to God. That was for an hour each day. Some times I cried and she told me to be comfortable with that and not apologise. She encouraged me to see where God was, in all the parts of my story. I was reminded that God has been with me through out this journey. I discovered some truth about waiting – the picture of a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly. Waiting takes time. Am I ok with waiting? Not really but I’m more OK with it now, seeing that it’s not a bad thing but a vital part of my own transformation. And how to wait? Twiddling my thumbs, finding more things to keep me busy? That doesn’t seem to be the idea. ‘Waiting is the ‘in-between time’. It calls us to be in this moment/season, without leaning so far into the future that we tear our roots from the present.’ TS Elliot wrote “a lifetime burning in every moment”.
What I learned, I painted or wrote down, talked a lot to God about and walked on the beach with coffee.
Sometimes I feel like I am a spider with a big web. It’s so big and intricate with all it’s different parts. It’s confusing sometimes how to know how to process all of the different things I think. But I was reminded that all of the feelings we have are important and getting them down on paper or out of our head, is a good idea. I have heard the phrase ‘you need to process that anger’, or whatever emotion. I just asked a lot while on retreat: ‘but how?’ I feel more equipped to do that now – to write down anything that comes out and to see where God is in it and how he is with me and all my humanity. When sad or bad memories come up, I’m not so afraid of them now. I’m more willing to ask God, ‘what are you wanting me to validate here or show me here? I’m more willing to not push the memory away but to cry or let myself be with it, maybe to forgive or maybe to pray. Maybe to do nothing but be?
I talked with a lovely lady today who said she wasn’t glad she’d been through the ‘rough stuff’ she’d been through but could definitely say she was amazed at the things she’d learned through them. I’m glad to say the process of this stuff has me mystified at times but sensing God more than I have before. I’d rather wear my merino than polar fleece and I can’t wait to be in the ‘butterfly’ part and not feel like a spider!

Noisy silence

I do feel like a hippy today. I am going on that retreat in a few days and I feel like it’s a little hippiesh – like I should be wearing a skirt with lots of different panels, some bells and definitely a head band. I laugh at myself that I’m going. I think it’s nervous laughter as I know it’s going to be quite good for me. A few friends have agreed with me – we’re not sure if we like the thought of being on our own. We seem to fill ‘down time’ with noise like movies, or technology. So I’m going to be having ‘down-time’ by myself, with some opening and closing day prayer (with the other hippies that will be there!) and some spiritual direction in between. But that’s all. There are walks to do, sleep to have (apparently that is OK according to some!), prayer in all it’s various forms and there is even some clay and charcoal to do stuff with.
As I walked today, I noticed how you could have moments of silence with God, even though there were trucks, cars, birds and other invasions happening constantly.
I am reading a book on silence and solitude, mainly so I’ll have some clues on what to do over the next 4 days. The writer explains some simple steps that I’ll need to take, for my first retreat (in my mind and practically): It’s a place where i am going to meet Christ in joyful solitude. There is nothing to be afraid of, for Christ is perfect love and perfect love casts out all fears. It’s a prayer house which I enter alone to be with God. Take my Bible and a journal. With God I don’t have to put on my best bib and tucker, I can just be myself. Remember, he knows all about me, from A-Z. To try to fool the Lord by putting on any kind of show is absolutely idiotic. It’s a place where I can relax a little like a piece of dough. Have a little chat with him, snooze a little, do a little reading and go out and have a walk – admire creation.
She says a lot more but that’s enough for now. The hope of this writer is that it just won’t be on retreats that we come closer to God but thinking about God as we are living normal life – standing still with him while walking with men.
I watched a dance dvd last night. Man they can boogie out some great moves. When the final music was playing I got up off the couch and started dancing. Crazy, all-over-the-lounge, kind of dancing. It was fab. It was a release and so much fun. I don’t’ think I’ll dance on the retreat, or infront of anyone else actually, but part of the process in me over this year, is remembering things that I love and beginning to do them again. As I walked today, I just noticed things I never would have before. I would have never made time to notice them – always too busy. I also lost confidence in who I was, partly. That is coming back, even in the form of dance. He he.
Some more memories: I got this cool note from K last night. It made me cry and feel so so great and now it’s on the fridge: Dear mum, you are a gat (great) mum, even when you get mad you still love us and we still love you. I have been kind to the kids at school who don’t have anyone to play with. Love k-k (my shortened nick name for her). Very cool. L prayed a great prayer about d last night too – all about his soul being for us and him coming to live with us again. She told k she was a superhero, even after k had been mean to her. I love those moments. God help me remember the good ‘quotes’ of life.
I’ll be back, after my hippy happy experience. (photo of k on stilts, her first time. i'm hoping the retreat is easier than the first time on stilts - it looks like fun though!)

Pruning and being

I spent a few hours the other day with a wonderful woman, a new friend who is delicious. She is older than me, wiser and more clever-er indeed! I was needing some help with a small assignment I’m doing so we researched together. It was so great going deeper with research, deeper than the Bible gives at times. Understanding the cultural times, the belief systems current in that time, even about the land. I was greatly encouraged and helped by this friend.
Then I was reading a great poem by Eddie Askew (whoever he may be) and his notes on John 15 – abiding in the vine. It helped me with understanding winter again but also challenged me with what it means to abide in Him.
He writes …… It would be easy to be glib, and say that suffering is a pruning, and that the pain is worthwhile because of it’s fruit. I can’t go that far. Suffering can work wonders, strengthen character, bring fruit; but it doesn’t always. It can damage and break, too. Perhaps the clue is in our being branches of the vine, which is Christ. Secure in him, pruning is positive. It still hurts, we still feel like screaming, but we know he’s there, and that he’s gone through the same process himself. Maybe we need to remember that the cross began as a tree.
Then part of his poem to go with his response to the text …. The cut worm, the pruned branch, both bleed, each in it’s own way. And in the bleeding lies its healing. Lies new growth. One of the many miracles of daily life.
Lord when I scream, and others too, gather us to yourself.
Help me to see, and them,
That understanding isn’t all that matters.
Isn’t that at the root of things.
The truth is,
That when I’m grafted into you,
My pain is your pain.
My groan your groan.
And you healing is mine.
In time.
And in eternity.

I guess I’m real keen to abide more and especially amidst this feeling of suffering. But I do feel at a bit of a loss as to what ‘abiding’ looks like for me. I think part of the retreat I’m going on next week, will be about abiding. It will also be about forgiving. Thank you to my friends for reminding me of truth.
Some cool things: K, the 5 year old, is making Rakau sticks at school and doing actions songs with them. We made some tonight out of old magazines and she is going to teach us some tomorrow. I remember the days of singing beautiful Maori songs and throwing sticks to whoever was lucky enough to try and catch them. L is seeing things quite outside of the box at the moment. She just pops up with things that I don’t even think about. It’s pure lovely hearing her mind wandering all over the place. She made a telescope out of paper and selotape today and as Grandma tried to encourage her, she told her “oh Grandma it’s just pretend!” We had devilled sausages as well tonight. My mum said it reminded her of Gran’s meals. It so did. I might make them more! The girls thought they were yum, without the sauce and onion of course. Photos – just us abiding at a café, we love fluffies and coffee – it’s mostly always my idea but the girls have done it since birth, ye ha for tradition and ye ha for coffee. Love me

Bike rides and trees

I did a bit better today at not going ‘off my tree’ when the girls do something that irritates my defined wee world of perfectionism! I had come to the Lord last night, with just sad feelings and I’d cried and told him all my deep groanings. I was deeply honest and it was great. How do I forget to do this or why do I fill my time with so many other things and not Him. Anyway, it was good. Part of my talking to God was about my anger and how i have been flying off the handle. Today when the girls got mud all over their pants …… oh and mine …… I just was so fine about it and didn’t even react. I’m writing this so I can look back and remember. It may not sound like much to anyone else, but it was a bit of a milestone considering the last few days. We went on a trip - the girls biking (and somehow landin in the mud!) and me taking photos of trees that i really liked. something i'd been meaning to do for myself for ages. The photo of the tree is one of my favourite old houses on our street and i love the starkness of the winter represented on the tree.
The talk at church yesterday was about our past (our history) and how people in the bible made visual reminders (markers of their journey) so they could pass the miracles and stories onto their children and so on. What will this season in my life leave and how can I leave reminders – visual, of what God has done? I read in Mary Demuth’s parenting book, about her children finding it hard to live in France and how they took a Psalm and wrote their own – ‘things we miss from America’ was at the top and ‘something we like about France’ was at the bottom. It was an offering of sorts and a visual display of their own feelings. I am so glad of ideas and help through this season – for us to make great memories despite our pain and for us to be able to express our feelings and have a visual reminder of how God has helped us through this time.
Some more good memories for today: The girls said today how they would like to go back to London. We went when they were much smaller. They don’t know yet that my family are paying for us to go in Dec to visit with my brother and his wife. It is the second time they have said something like that. I responded by saying “why don’t we? Let’s just go, real soon OK!” they were pretty excited and that was with them thinking I was just being crazy and not truthful! I can’t wait to tell them.
We talked about High’s and lows over the dinner table tonight. I said I loved watching them bike down the road with me. They agreed and said that was a high. K liked overtaking L on her bike and being the fastest. I liked watching.
Another cool thing I read, in Sarah Williams book ‘Shaming the strong’ (the challenge of an unborn life) was about peace. I’ve never been able to explain how God has bought amazing peace to my life considering the disturbing past months. She puts it perfectly: I guess ‘peace that passes all understanding’ (Phil 4:7) would not mean anything if it was not the peace of a lighthouse in the middle of a horrendous storm.

God, thank you so much for your peace. It is amazing. Thank you for being able to remember the good and amazing things you have done. Help me not to forget what you are teaching us but to live it and help others with it eventually. May all this be to your glory.

Some things I’m thinking about

Spring – the daffodils, camellias, blossoms are all out and starting to fill my world with wonder. I love the start of spring, especially as there is hope of warmer weather and some more colour!
Bad reports – I’m finding it hard when people ask how it’s going with d and me. I have nothing positive to report and being a pretty positive person, that is stifling and I feel like I’m drowning in it. The most positive thing was that he had started a counselling course but it doesn’t appear that he is putting every effort in.
My response – I heard something about how we respond to God in situations as opposed to letting our situation dictate us. I liked that and thought I could think more on that. I also heard a quote from some random book – “God hears us when we are in the middle of a wonderful and busy life and he also hears us when we are in the desert and parched. But it is when we are in the desert and truly desperate, when we hear what God says to us.” That is my paraphrase but it made me think.
The girls – K was angry the other night, suddenly after finishing on the phone with daddy. I asked her to share how she was feeling and she told me she was angry with me, angry with me for marrying daddy. She wanted me to marry someone who would live with us forever……….. Isn’t that amazing, profound even? I am so glad she was able etc share that. I took her out for a fluffy the next day and some cake and I showed her a wedding album I had. She was in awe of it all and I explained a little about being in love etc. It was a moment I wasn’t sure how to handle but did what I felt. Parenting through this has been quite hard but I’m doing OK at it, apart from my outbursts of rage sometimes when things aren’t going as soothly as I’d like, like this morning when the girls poured water everywhere in their room. I said some rough things in rough ways of which I wasn’t proud of. I am thinking there will be no more water poured in the room this week.
TV – I’m thinking about how I watch too much of this sometime and forget about the source of my life. I have not spent much time with the lover of my soul, the one who makes me happy and who fills my life when nothing else will. I am sorry but glad He walks with me, whatever.
Retreat – I’m going on a spiritual retreat in 2 weeks. It’s for 4 days and it’s by myself (no children or friends) with food, a few times of prayer during the day, an hour of spiritual direction and time. Time for myself to be with my God and to speak with Him and listen. I’ve never done anything like this but someone wonderful is paying for me to do this. I’m in awe! I’m also a little nervous. How will it be and what will it look like? I’m a bit excited about it too.
Those are just some thoughts. Love me
PS Love the photos caz. you are clever.