beam me up

The girls and I often pray or have dinner without the lights on and some other form of light. We have these awesome twinkly lights in a vase which are so groovy. We have a number of exciting candles and lighting them is so much fun for us. Sometimes before we roast marshmallows on our open fire, I get the girls to look at the light and talk about how Jesus is the Light of the World and how he brings light to our darkness. Light is fascinating. Light is illuminating. Light is very needed.
This past week or two has been rather dark and then suddenly a light has shone in on my darkness. I love that! I feel alive, I feel honest and I feel free-er. I am so grateful for the way God shines his light on the truth of our hearts. It talks a bit in the bible about walking in the light and that is what I feel I’ve experienced – a bit of illumination. I’m currently very OK (which has pleasantly surprised me) with the current switch that has come on. Everything is not all fixed but it’s out in the open for me, so I’m aware that God is doing something. I have some words that would describe what is going on in my heart, but that I can’t almost put sentences too. And that’s OK too. It has been a raw week or two, yesterday was the date of what would have been our ten year anniversary, someone showing interest in me which even though that is nothing really, it did bring up some big-as issues for me. It’s been crazy emotionally and for my poor wee mind, but it’s been good. Freaky how one can say that.
I did catch up with a lovely new friend yesterday, and for some reason she launched straight into the fact that sometimes life is really painful and that that’s OK. That was right where I was at and it was good to hear someone else say it. She is trying to teach her kids that lesson too, right from the word go. We will fall over, we will get hurt and that is just a part of the life that we live.
So the words that are at the forefront of my mind at the mo are: ‘Disillussionment’, ‘perfect world’, ‘abandonment’. Those are the lights that have come on for me. Not sure entirely what to do with the knowledge of them, but they are shining brightly and I’m open to what God would say and do in this next wee while.
Some cool things this week – L (5 years) wanted to give me a married kiss, which apparently is where one tilts their head to the side and the other places their lips on top and they kiss. She insisted we get married right then and there by doing the tilted angle marriage kiss. Delicious. Only she erupted in tears when I laughed at how cute it was. So we needed to talk a little more about what marriage meant – it’s not only the lop-sided kiss at the ceremony that makes the marriage! Later in the week they both confessed, very quickly, that L had kissed a boy at school (not the marriage kiss, just a cheek!). I laughed again and was able to find out all the juicy info! L told me she didn’t want to go to dad’s last night and she wanted me to know she was ‘serious’. “I’m serious mum”. A delicious friend gave me a generous voucher to spend at a lovely fav shop in the city, so I had something else to think about rather than my anniversary that wasn’t really one at all! Thank you friend. I appreciate the texts and calls from friends acknowledging this dumb kind of day. People are amazing to us. I thank God for my friends. A delicious one turned up on Fri, the ten-year day of remembrance, and made me completely forget about it at all. We had such a lovey time going out for lunch and catching up on our crazy lives. I loved being with you Abby. You are so nice.
I do remember a song from growing up, which after singing it as many times as we did, it grew rather tiresome. Shine Jesus Shine. I laugh as I think about it, as it ended up being an annoying song. But I thank you Jesus, for the bulbs that you turn on in my life. You are the light of the world. Thanks for shining on the deepness of my heart.

finding meaning in the pain?

So the story continues, this time a little more dramatic from the drama queen herself. I do have to make a constant note to myself at the mo: This blog is good for me and it is a page for me to get my thoughts out, regardless of what anyone may think. It is something that has given me scope for my processing. I’m hoping I can keep being as real as the air I breathe and the pain I feel and the joy I experience, as I write.
The whole great experience of the ‘chat’ lasted euphorically for me for a few days but then began to fill my mind constantly, I mean like every second. What would I say if ….? How would I behave if ….? The boundaries of my heart were being pushed and I could sense God was amongst it all, no matter how painful it was getting. A few days later I was meeting a mentoree at a café, the same café I go all the time, and as I walked in, there she was, and there he was! Ahhhhhh. We had a chat and then I sat with my friend to do chatting. Except it was all of me chatting (I’m supposed to be listening to her and hearing her heart!) and I’m saying: “ahhhh I want to go out with that guy” and we talked about the boundaries in that with being who I was and where I was at at the mo. She, little to her own understanding, said the best thing she could have said, all while I was thinking about going to this guys work and asking him if he would want to have coffee. I had got so desperate in my own head, that I was contemplating taking control of the whole situation, almost so I could put an end to the constant mind chatter I’d been having. I cried like a baby as she made her suggestion, in such a gentle and kind way to her wiser (?), older, blubbering friend. “Do you think you should ring Ma and Pa D?” As I was crying, not even answering her, I text Ma to say I was in a bad way and needed to come round.
I felt instantly like the war in my mind had been stopped and that sense had arrived for a moment.
I had a wonderful, tearful, deep time with these people. My dear older and wiser friends. They suggested that something was going on for me and that even in the middle of all of my pain, I could find meaning in it. And they will help me walk through that. They recognized I’m really vulnerable at the mo, they recognize that I was being honest even if no one wants to hear what my heart truly wants to do. I explained to them that I feel lost in a world of couples, lonely from the company of a man. This guy made me feel so special for one moment and it lit a fire of something way bigger. The tension for me is also not just that I’m single, but still married but that I need to know in some way that God still walks with me, if I choose to have a coffee or something with this guy.
I don’t want to light something that I can’t put out. But I will acknowledge the gap and the pain that is there, from the loss of a males company and affection and adoration. In all of this I’m pretty honest with my friends. This is hard. This is painful and I’m not in a good way. I want to do what I feel like, which may not necessarily be the wisest thing to do. And today I’m OK with that, because I’m being honest, I’m saying where my heart is at. I’m not sure if others are so OK with my pain, but I’m OK with it and that it may take a little to wrestle with it. I’m having some time with Pa this week and that will be good.
I took a drive yesterday to visit a beautiful friend. It ended with her and I putting our children in the car, and her praying for me, in the rain, under a tree. I felt sheltered and protected and loved by God, in the presence of her humble prayer and her lingering hug. It was a little bit of God, in the middle of my storm and I appreciated it so much. Thanks u

The chat of all chats

I never thought this chat would ever happen. I had fantacised about it, mostly (funnly enough) that my first move would be to shake his hand. Weird, so formal of me and if I look back I wouldn’t have done that.
It was after a rather emotional weekend of lonliness and deep sadness. It was a walk that turned miserable as it was pouring, I was texting some friends to do dinner with me and that was an organizational nightmare, plus when I arrived at the new ‘fresh’ supermarket to check it out, I was soaked and looking rather ragged. And then I saw him. The guy that had been kind at the café, the one that I had thought “oh he looks nice”. I didn’t know what to do, so I kept walking into the supermarket, forgetting what I was there for but making no eye contact with anyone apart from the bananas. Next thing, I stopped. He was right beside me with his workmate, wanting to meet. It was a freaky surprise.
Hi, he said
Hi, I said, I’m Sarah, shaking their hands as they introduced themselves. Next time no shaking of hands. I am a natural conversationalist (sometimes to my demise!) so the conversation started:
Work, family, what I was doing here in palmy (after they asked), what they did in palmy, some interesting conversation re marriage break-ups (quite deep for a first conversation), good coffee and me ending by saying I’d better go and get my ‘free coffee’.
It was so nice. I’d love for it to happen again. Mostly because it made me feel so darn special and lovely. He was a mature (intellectual, good conversationalist, showed some compassion for loss of his friend and myself) and great looking guy. It was a gesture that surprised me beyond my wildest dreams – I don’t think I’ve had a guy come up to me before and be friendly, no demands or crazy whisperings in my ear, just general getting to know-ya kind of talk.
I felt like a million dollars. Is it OK for me to blog about this? I find it hard to know but it’s in my head and I need to get this kind of stuff out of my head and onto paper for me to see more clearly. Will people think I’m naughty for having these thoughts or having had this conversation? I don’t know and it probably doesn’t matter.
What is going on here is simple: me feeling special and of some value. What needs to go on in me from here: I think a continual acknowledgement that I want my heart to be stirred by a noble theme (Ps 45), whether I saw this person ever again or not.

The girls sang in a concert with their junior choir recently. It was amazing to watch them and so funny. I loved it. My ma was there too and i thought how great it was to have 3 generations of choir 'goers' in the same room. I wasn't ever sure if the girls would like being in a choir, so the risk paid off. The girls thrived in their performance showing attentiveness to detail and a connection with the audience too, all while trying to remember truck loads of verses! I was one proud mumma bear.
Prior to the concert i embarked on some emotional journeying with them. this was crazy considering the time limit but there was no more time before the next day to do so, as they were leaving to stay with dad.
I had considered the violent roars of their hearts in the previous time and wanted to somehow encourage them with the constant processing that they have to do. I am hurting for them. I am worried for them. I hate what they are experiencing. Anyway we made a wash line for our wall, kind of like a banner. I had some red hearts where they wrote their worries on them, as did i. I had shared the verse about casting our cares upon the Lord and so we began, artistically, casting our own. It always surprises me how keen the girls are, with my crazy ideas. Their worries were genuiene and heart felt. As we pegged them on the line, we read our last ones together, as an offering. God we give our worries to you.......
K suggested we could add to this whenever we needed, the girls knew that the line would remind me to pray when they were away, we are going to make a heading for our banner which will add to the 'gold nugget' i'm trying to impart.
I have been feeling quite agro, angry, mad or hateful (just to name a few describing words). I am guessing that it's just that i'm particularly sad and feeling like i'm broken in half. So i'm trying in my own way to process that with a line of my own. I visited Wellington on Saturday where i remember so many diff places that connect me with d. It was a painful walk in that city. This whole thing is annoying me so much. The breaking of a family, the trust broken, the confusion added to one already 'crazy walk' that we live, the identity crisis, the pain of not knowing where your future is, the rejection, the financial loss and concern, the dramatic change of life, is not good stuff. I certainly get that God is with me all through this, i couldn't do it without Him. Even though, i'm angry. or is just plain old sad?
Elizabeth Barrett Browning -
Earth's crammed with heaven
And every common bush afire with God,
But only he who sees, takes off his shoes -
The rest sit round it and pluck blackberries.