Hi 5 Concert

This is the girls getting ready to go to the coolest concert of the year. D and I had decided that it would be such a special thing for them to do, we presented them with the tickets and I took them into the city! It was such a cool thing, they loved it!
D wants to surprise them with tickets for the latest and coolest concert to arrive. And the girls will love it. This is not a bad thing, but I’m gutted and just hurt again I guess. He isn’t doing it to be mean to me of course, but it hurts. It will be a wonderful experience for them but it hurts because I won’t be there to see or hear the joy in their voices or their faces. I love seeing and hearing that. This really is poohs.
I have felt particularly flat over the weekend. It’s D day again this Saturday and I guess I’m emotional again about it. I have been thinking about how unloved I’ve felt over the last wee while. It’s a weird tension knowing that you are precious in God’s heart and priceless to Him, yet wanting that from a human as well. And not getting it.
“Nothing is a waste in God’s economy” is something I’ve heard recently. I’m hoping the last few years have not been a waste. It’s hard to see that they are not and it’s hard to trust God some days, that it’s going to be OK. There is something in the word about God restoring what the locusts have eaten. Something about him Redeeming what has been lost. I have a packet of seeds where I’ve written the dates 06, 07 and now 08 with a list of the things I’ve lost – trust, betrayal, deception, rejection, money, time, love. I’ve chosen to sow them as seeds to God, believing that he restores what has been broken and lost, eaten and ruined. So I guess when I’m reminded of what’s been lost, I am drawn to two things. To trust Him who began a good work in us and also to be real. This sucks, I hate it and my heart is broken seemingly beyond repair. I am not the same but I will be better. I have lost things so precious. I feel unloved and lost. I feel hate and I feel disgust (I’m reminding myself that it’s healing to let your feelings out). But I do feel you God and I’m glad.

Our girl

My darling girl. You are 5 now and that is 5 years of wonder for me. You are amazing. You have such a cheerful and happy personality. I am in awe of you. Your learning at school is going so well, you can pick up a book at home and do pretty well at getting the main words in that story. I am amazed but I shouldn’t be. You are a clever and special girl.
I have especially liked the way you have been letting others choose what they want, over the last few weeks. You share an idea but then add, with no prompting from me, “but you do what you think is best mum”, or “but you choose your favourite mum”. I think you are so kind.
This year has been a hard year for our family. But I am amazed at how strong you are. The first day you were going to stay with daddy, I was a mess. I had prayed that God would use you when you were with daddy, but God allowed you to be used with me. It was so cool. You asked me what was wrong and I replied that I would miss you. You then quoted Ps 118 verse 6 – Mum the Lord is with you, you need not be afraid. You came later to my ear, when daddy arrived. You whispered in a strong prophetic voice: “Mum do not be afraid. God is with you.” You also made me write it up on the whiteboard to remind myself. You are only 5!
You are funny Kaiya. You enjoy laughing and making us laugh. You like your own space as well but are also quite happy to have wonderful cuddles or play talking games with me in bed, when I’m not quite ready to get up and face the world for the day! I am sorry that you have had to see mummy sad this last wee while. You are perceptive and caring and God has used you to bless me incredibly.
You are a great singer, and you love learning dance now. You are creative in youru play – being a teacher is the way you love to play at the moment with your sister being one of the poor students being bossed around by you. You are arty and draw incredible pictures. One day we drew a picture of dad – a gingerbread man outline and we drew and wrote all the things we missed about him. You drew his shorts – funny, his heart, and some other things. We used it to pray for daddy later and this is what you prayed: “God may daddy choose the right option of coming to live with us. Bring his heart to us in the place we live. God thank you that you are our daddy when Dad’s not here. If later on, daddy chooses never ever ever ever ever to live with us, I pray we would be OK” Wow, You are a stunner. You are so real and so delicious and I love you so much.

Purely thankful

(not sure how to turn photo round sorry)
Larry Crabb’s book, inside out, is my latest read.
“An inside look can help me to face my dependency on God in a manner that requires me to grapple with what it means to deeply trust.
It can also expose my determination, in all its subtle ugliness, to manage life on my own”
I have been and still am a ‘manager of my own life’. I am not sure how to get to the next level where I am more dependent on God and not myself, but I’m only into the third chapter. Having counsel from others is also helping me take a look at myself which is something I’ve never truly done. I haven’t known how actually and have been too busy doing stuff.
An underlying message in my life, even though I don’t believe it, is that ‘busy is good’. I have placed value on being busy. I have felt complete and at home with being busy. I have felt valued by others, in being busy. This is hard to write actually as I don’t’ believe in my heart, that it is good to be busy but it’s funny how that has been drummed into me somehow and how I have lived by it for years. There are other underlying messages that I’ve been living by but I’m focusing on this one today.
Because of this busy-ness, I’ve not learnt to relax and find it hard too. I bought another magazine today. This is a small thing I’m doing to help me unwind and read something just for me. Good girl Sarah, I say talking to myself.
So a bit of my innerself, has let itself out in words and now it’s out. I’m not quite sure what to do with it but I’m glad that I am on this voyage into the unknown. It’s flippin good.
A few things to be thankful for is next. Being thankful is positive and reminds me of life and it’s freshness rather than focusing on death and dumb stuff. Im thankful that L prayed tonight thanking God for joy. I have prayed that for us during this season. She thanked God for joy. How cool from a 4 year old. K prayed that mummy would keep having a softer and softer voice when she was having to tell us off! We talked about how I’m doing better. So cute. I am thankful for the Jamie Oliver cook book that delicious friends just gave me. I’m stoked. The fire is going well, we got given petrol and food money this week, the girls tummy bugs have gone very quickly and an answered prayer: d boy is going to a course with a friend on issues and facing them. Thank you God for miracles. I am in awe of you my God. You are our strength and our fortress. I love you from the inside-out.
Happy birthday caz, love you.

Suffering. Death. Resurrection ....

Choc chilli cake

400 g sugar
2 large eggs
250ml milk, at room temp

200g cocoa
200g soft buter
2 t baking powder
1 t bicarbonate of soda
2 cups flour
1 t fresh ginger, finely grated
1 t chilli powder
310ml boiling water

Preheat oven to 180 C. Line a spring-form 24cm tin. Combine all ingred except chilli and boiling water, in a bowl.
Mix with an electric beater on slow speed until mixture comes together, scraping down the sides of the bowl.
Stir the chilli into the boiling water and slowly add it to the mixture, beating all the time. Pour mixture into tin, it will be quite runny.
Bake for about 50 minutes and when cool, ice with a chocolate icing/ganache.

A friend talked with me about the process Jesus went through, encouraging me that in my journey of suffering and the death of things in this journey, I would be resurrected a new person, new life even. I had never seen the similarities or compared them to myself before but now as I look at the cross, it reminds me of what Jesus went through and how that is affecting me.
These blogs are making me write down the things that have bought life to me, amidst the death and pain.
The chilli cake has been a hit since I’ve found it. I love baking and I love making people guess what’s in it – the secret ingredient. You can taste the hint of chilli mostly at the end of eating a slice. It’s good, very good.
Mostly I look like I’m doing pretty good to outsiders, I am pretty positive and am still living life, like someone suggested. But there is a hint of chilli. Like the cake, there is something mysterious.
Another great story in the bible is the one where the 2 disciples were walking back to their town after Jesus had died, talking about their loss, their pain of losing their friend. Jesus comes up behind them and they start sharing their story, not knowing it was him with them. They ended up inviting him for a meal, they were previously stuck in their sorrow, thinking of themselves, but ended up opening up their circle of pain to him. When they discovered it was him, they were filled with joy and ran all the way back to their other friends in the town they’d come from and shared the rest of the great, great story with them. What was pain and agony, became joy and a good ending. I like this explanation of that story. Telling our stories help us and help others and we find joy. We need to keep telling them.
Enjoy the cake sometime.

Sowing

Ecclesiastes 11
Cast your bread upon the waters for you will find it after many days.
If the clouds are full of rain, they empty themselves upon the earth: and if a tree falls forward the south or toward the north, in the place where the tree falls, there it will lie.
He who observes the wind (and waits for all conditions to be favourable) will not sow, and he who regards the clouds will not reap.
As you know not what is the way of the wind, or how the spirit comes to the bones in the womb of a pregnant woman, even so you know not the work of God. Who does all.
In the morning sow your seed, and in the evening withhold not your hands, for you know not which shall prosper, whether this or that, or whether both alike will be good.
This weekend has been a hard one. The girls went to stay with daddy and I always find that difficult. Some comment that it must be a nice break. It’s not a break I would ever choose to have. It’s unnatural yet in society it has sadly become so normal that it is almost the ‘norm’. It’s unsettling, unstable and a physical separation that breaks me every time.
So I try to look at the good things. The girls rang to talk to me, only 2 hours after leaving. That was cool. It was 24 hours till I would see them again. I got a sleep-in. I got to change the house round and loved that!
I had been quite emotional leading up to the moment of departure, therefore I spoke tersely to daddy. Today I realised that, and felt challenged again with the way I had behaved. Did I need to apologise? The arguments in my mind formed for either side and so I ended up quietly praying re needing to say sorry.
I’m always aware that the ideas/thoughts I get, seem to be my conscience working and I’m best to obey it otherwise I’ll become numb to it. As the girls arrived home, happy and full of talking, I was glad. I was also challenged to say something. I did apologise for my emotional ranting.
I’m not sure what it did exactly except it did help me feel better about my ridiculous rant on Saturday. Throughout this journey I don’t want to be the woman who gets all bitter and twisted and even. I want to be strong but to be soft. In the midst of everything, I’m hopeful that God will lead me and help me each moment.
Today I heard someone talk about how God isn’t an antique collector. He says “I am the potter”, and even the greatest of pots gets broken, re-made to be used for Him again, useful for him. I have felt very broken but am feeling the rebuilding phase now by the greatest Creator.

Dimples not pimples

I didn’t realise I had dimples until well into my life. Our daughter has dimples and they are really obvious and cute. Dimples are cute, on the right part of our body! I felt a bit thick that I didn’t realise I had dimples. I didn’t realise, either, that I had red cheeks until I got teased frequently, as a teenager. “Wow you must have run a long way”, was one comment, when I had just walked from the car to the classroom. I have high coloured cheeks, I think. From the moment of having too many hassels re my apple coloured cheeks, I started wearing make-up, every day. From the age of 15, I wore heavy make-up until one marvellous day. I was getting ready to go to uni and there infront as I looked in the mirror I was challenged. “why am I wearing this make-up? I look OK” Instantly, like a miracle, my thoughts about myself were changed and I realised my red cheeks weren’t as bad as I’d been made to think. That day I received quite a few remarks about how different I looked, in a good way.
I’m 34 and still learning about myself. I’m being undone. It’s rather fantastic, in a rather painful way. But I’m glad.
Some of the things I’ve learned are small comments from people close to me, from authors, my mum and people who hardly know me. I’m so glad God uses people to teach us. One person just said to me that he and his wife were just deciding to make the most of their life, despite some things they couldn’t change. They were still wanting to have fun. Since that conversation the girls and I have been praying for joy amidst the pain we are experiencing. I’m doing my best to make the most of this new adventure I’m on – new town, new people to meet and fun stuff to do.
Also, I said to a gorgeous friend of mine that nothing has changed and how painful that is for me, with the hope I have in my gut. She simply said, “sarah, you just don’t know what is around the corner!”
I love it, I love the small things people say, that give me life.
So I’m trying to relax but didn’t know what that even meant really, until my beautiful sister’n’law said that to relax is to ‘do something that perhaps no-one else would find relaxing or fun, but that you do’. That immediately has helped me. I think blogging is going to be something that helps me do that.
I’m probably going to keep writing down these amazing bits of info that have helped me on my re-shaping journey. Bye for now, SJ

Messy is fine, for a time.

I am quite a tidy person, almost verging on obsessive compulsive. I like the house to be tidy when I leave so when I get home, I don’t have to do anything to it. As this year has unfolded, I’m trying to be OK with the fact that mess is alright. Some things are messy.
Now I’m thinking a little about how I lost it with the girls yesterday and how when I did, K said “I think we should pray” and instead of waiting for approval or acknowledgement, she launched into : “Dear God, please help mummy speak kindly when it’s hard for her”. I lost it again, in tears, humbled gently by my darlings who only continued to show more kindness to me as I knelt on the ground crying. I am in awe of how I can think I’m all in control and then realise that a 5 and 4 year old can be in more control than I and that that’s actually OK.
I am so proud of them and I’m pleased to say I have tried a lot harder to be patient today. The girls know, through my tears, that life is harder when you are parenting alone. It is not our hope that I always will be, but at the moment that is reality. They are sympathetic and kind to a grumpy mum. They are angels. I guess I’m realising that to share my pain with them, age-appropriately, is a simple sign that parents don’t have it all together and that they need help too.
Yesterday we made “my Dad is great” books, based on a book we have on the shelf. They wrote sentences with me and drew matching pictures, L drew a picture of the tooth fairy with Daddy reaching out. Funny. As I join with them, helping them process some of the pain of our year, drawing and putting glitter wherever we can, I am glad. Glad that we can process this way and others, not just with our words or melting face.
Creativity is helping me process the pain of separation at this time. I am so in awe of the ideas God gives to help one cope. Grumpy mum just needed to cry and the girls needed to talk and pray yesterday as well as colour and put hot glue all over their book. So here’s hoping for a new day tomorrow where I remember to relax and not lose it, even when it’s hard. That verse about how God’s mercies are new every morning – that’s a goodie. SJ

The Start of something ....

this is the first time i've done this. I'm Sarah and this is a new adventure. Red does run my heart, funny that. i love the colour red and i've only just discovered that the sunglasses i wear make all slightly-red hues, look radiantly red. so i've been walking around with a false sense of red-ness and i've been totally enjoying it. The autumn leaves have been especially magnificent with my sunglasses help!
Thank you Amy for helping me start this. I want this to be something that is a good release for my heart and my soul. I am doing this for myself - blogging to get the thoughts in my head, out. Who knows what will happen with them then, but it could be the best thing i've done in awhile.
Our Family have just moved from a smaller town, to a small city in NZ. It's been a challenge on many levels but a wonderful adventure mostly. navigating our way round, getting lost and the children saying, "mummy you need to pray cause we're lost", has added to the fun of it all. there is also great sadness for us in our move. I'm hopeful that as i 'blog', it will come out naturally and i won't worry at all, that what i write won't be entertaining or somewhat interesting for others. this has to be for me. sound selfish? hope not. any rules? i'm not aware of any offical "blogging rules" so i'm going to just do what i think is right for me.
I am discovering through this adventure of my life, through friends, osmosis, prayer, revelation, counselling, walking, art and a lot of thinking, that i'm more than just who i thought i was. sounds obvious but it is a good discovery.
until next time (whenever that will be!), thank you God for my friends, they are amazing. Thank you God for you and how i'm learning more of You and how you really truly absolutely think i'm lovely, all of the time. You amaze me. SJ