Must Trust

I heard the best talk on new years resolutions the other day. It wasn’t a talk that made you walk away and feel pressured to do anything or you would die but a challenge to sit down and do the following: To think of or write a list of things that needed to be left behind from 2008 and also a list that could be added to your life for 2009.
I told a friend I had thought of one or two to let go of: to stop swearing as much as I have this year (to stop basically!), to pray more with friends when they are with me – for it to be a natural thing between friends.
Walter Brueggeman writes about anniversaries (I’ve said this before sorry) and how they cause us to have a look backwards at all the good things but to plan for the future looking forward to what it may bring!
I was in Sydney when I started writing this: we only have one more flight to get home and it’s been an amazing trip home thus far. I have feared it to be honest – the length but also the fear of going home to ‘who knows what! They went quickly, the second one where we just watched loads of movies!
(now at home) Last year was painful but incredible. I saw the blessings and on most days, they outweigh the sludge.
Returning home was probably harder than I’d expected. I was looking forward to being at ‘home’ as I often yearn for the ‘familiar’ but I’d been surrounded by family for over 5 weeks and that was comforting and warm. The night I got home, after fussing with suitcases, I suddenly realized I was all alone and I became aware of my sense of smell. The place we live in, smelt like it did when we first moved in last year. It was a horrible reminder, instantly, of the year that had been. Ahhhh I wasn’t expecting that!
Funny how smell can do that. or maybe it’s not funny! The challenge I’ve felt after processing some of this is quite a biggie: Can I really trust God, no matter what the outcome? Another way I’ve worded this is: can I really trust God with the outcome – giving him all my hopes for our future considering how it really truly looks like d is so far away from the miracle I yearn? Can I say: I trust you God. I trust you God. I truly trust you.
I’m hoping I can say that. It feels big, like I’m letting go of the ‘gutsy miracle faith’ that I had, that seems slightly dwindled now, a year later.
It is a choice and I am hoping to walk in that over these next few weeks.
Here is a great poem to finish with, not my own, but a great one which will perhaps land itself on my wall soon!

O love thou wilt not let me go
I rest my weary soul in thee
I give thee back the life I owe
That in thine ocean depths
Its flow may richer, fuller be

O joy that seekest me through pain
I cannot close my heart to thee
I trace the rainbow thru the rain
And feel the promise is not vain
That morn shall tearless be

George Matheson

Mattchew

Wow Matt. You are an incredible man. I think of you with such a big smile. You have lit up my life while I’ve been with you. I’ve kind of felt like a ‘groupie’ as I’ve just wanted to be round you. You are kindly spoken. You are tough when you need to be, with the girls or others. You have a hilarious and naughty sense of humour. I adore that. These are all things I knew but how refreshing they are.
You ask great questions and you don’t mind tears. You allow crying and don’t seem to freak out but perhaps even join in. It is a wonderful thing to cry with someone. Not a weakness but a strength.
You have cared for us like a ‘dad’ would, maybe like a husband would (that’s a bit weird to say as you’re my bro!). I have wished before, that I married someone just like you. I can’t change who I married but I really like your role model of a ‘man’. I know you’re not perfect either. But I thank you for the ‘man’ you are growing to be.
There are many things we can try to achieve in life, but to be someone that loves people, is a true asset. People are so important. You love people, even the weird ones.
Thank you for loving me. I am so glad you are my brother and my friend. I thank you for asking the right questions and for being OK with hard answers. I thank you for your advice, for your wisdom. The stories you tell, even if I’ve heard them before, are so fresh. They crack me up and make me feel more part of your world.
Love u, sez
PS we are quite old now aye!