Noisy silence

I do feel like a hippy today. I am going on that retreat in a few days and I feel like it’s a little hippiesh – like I should be wearing a skirt with lots of different panels, some bells and definitely a head band. I laugh at myself that I’m going. I think it’s nervous laughter as I know it’s going to be quite good for me. A few friends have agreed with me – we’re not sure if we like the thought of being on our own. We seem to fill ‘down time’ with noise like movies, or technology. So I’m going to be having ‘down-time’ by myself, with some opening and closing day prayer (with the other hippies that will be there!) and some spiritual direction in between. But that’s all. There are walks to do, sleep to have (apparently that is OK according to some!), prayer in all it’s various forms and there is even some clay and charcoal to do stuff with.
As I walked today, I noticed how you could have moments of silence with God, even though there were trucks, cars, birds and other invasions happening constantly.
I am reading a book on silence and solitude, mainly so I’ll have some clues on what to do over the next 4 days. The writer explains some simple steps that I’ll need to take, for my first retreat (in my mind and practically): It’s a place where i am going to meet Christ in joyful solitude. There is nothing to be afraid of, for Christ is perfect love and perfect love casts out all fears. It’s a prayer house which I enter alone to be with God. Take my Bible and a journal. With God I don’t have to put on my best bib and tucker, I can just be myself. Remember, he knows all about me, from A-Z. To try to fool the Lord by putting on any kind of show is absolutely idiotic. It’s a place where I can relax a little like a piece of dough. Have a little chat with him, snooze a little, do a little reading and go out and have a walk – admire creation.
She says a lot more but that’s enough for now. The hope of this writer is that it just won’t be on retreats that we come closer to God but thinking about God as we are living normal life – standing still with him while walking with men.
I watched a dance dvd last night. Man they can boogie out some great moves. When the final music was playing I got up off the couch and started dancing. Crazy, all-over-the-lounge, kind of dancing. It was fab. It was a release and so much fun. I don’t’ think I’ll dance on the retreat, or infront of anyone else actually, but part of the process in me over this year, is remembering things that I love and beginning to do them again. As I walked today, I just noticed things I never would have before. I would have never made time to notice them – always too busy. I also lost confidence in who I was, partly. That is coming back, even in the form of dance. He he.
Some more memories: I got this cool note from K last night. It made me cry and feel so so great and now it’s on the fridge: Dear mum, you are a gat (great) mum, even when you get mad you still love us and we still love you. I have been kind to the kids at school who don’t have anyone to play with. Love k-k (my shortened nick name for her). Very cool. L prayed a great prayer about d last night too – all about his soul being for us and him coming to live with us again. She told k she was a superhero, even after k had been mean to her. I love those moments. God help me remember the good ‘quotes’ of life.
I’ll be back, after my hippy happy experience. (photo of k on stilts, her first time. i'm hoping the retreat is easier than the first time on stilts - it looks like fun though!)

Pruning and being

I spent a few hours the other day with a wonderful woman, a new friend who is delicious. She is older than me, wiser and more clever-er indeed! I was needing some help with a small assignment I’m doing so we researched together. It was so great going deeper with research, deeper than the Bible gives at times. Understanding the cultural times, the belief systems current in that time, even about the land. I was greatly encouraged and helped by this friend.
Then I was reading a great poem by Eddie Askew (whoever he may be) and his notes on John 15 – abiding in the vine. It helped me with understanding winter again but also challenged me with what it means to abide in Him.
He writes …… It would be easy to be glib, and say that suffering is a pruning, and that the pain is worthwhile because of it’s fruit. I can’t go that far. Suffering can work wonders, strengthen character, bring fruit; but it doesn’t always. It can damage and break, too. Perhaps the clue is in our being branches of the vine, which is Christ. Secure in him, pruning is positive. It still hurts, we still feel like screaming, but we know he’s there, and that he’s gone through the same process himself. Maybe we need to remember that the cross began as a tree.
Then part of his poem to go with his response to the text …. The cut worm, the pruned branch, both bleed, each in it’s own way. And in the bleeding lies its healing. Lies new growth. One of the many miracles of daily life.
Lord when I scream, and others too, gather us to yourself.
Help me to see, and them,
That understanding isn’t all that matters.
Isn’t that at the root of things.
The truth is,
That when I’m grafted into you,
My pain is your pain.
My groan your groan.
And you healing is mine.
In time.
And in eternity.

I guess I’m real keen to abide more and especially amidst this feeling of suffering. But I do feel at a bit of a loss as to what ‘abiding’ looks like for me. I think part of the retreat I’m going on next week, will be about abiding. It will also be about forgiving. Thank you to my friends for reminding me of truth.
Some cool things: K, the 5 year old, is making Rakau sticks at school and doing actions songs with them. We made some tonight out of old magazines and she is going to teach us some tomorrow. I remember the days of singing beautiful Maori songs and throwing sticks to whoever was lucky enough to try and catch them. L is seeing things quite outside of the box at the moment. She just pops up with things that I don’t even think about. It’s pure lovely hearing her mind wandering all over the place. She made a telescope out of paper and selotape today and as Grandma tried to encourage her, she told her “oh Grandma it’s just pretend!” We had devilled sausages as well tonight. My mum said it reminded her of Gran’s meals. It so did. I might make them more! The girls thought they were yum, without the sauce and onion of course. Photos – just us abiding at a café, we love fluffies and coffee – it’s mostly always my idea but the girls have done it since birth, ye ha for tradition and ye ha for coffee. Love me

Bike rides and trees

I did a bit better today at not going ‘off my tree’ when the girls do something that irritates my defined wee world of perfectionism! I had come to the Lord last night, with just sad feelings and I’d cried and told him all my deep groanings. I was deeply honest and it was great. How do I forget to do this or why do I fill my time with so many other things and not Him. Anyway, it was good. Part of my talking to God was about my anger and how i have been flying off the handle. Today when the girls got mud all over their pants …… oh and mine …… I just was so fine about it and didn’t even react. I’m writing this so I can look back and remember. It may not sound like much to anyone else, but it was a bit of a milestone considering the last few days. We went on a trip - the girls biking (and somehow landin in the mud!) and me taking photos of trees that i really liked. something i'd been meaning to do for myself for ages. The photo of the tree is one of my favourite old houses on our street and i love the starkness of the winter represented on the tree.
The talk at church yesterday was about our past (our history) and how people in the bible made visual reminders (markers of their journey) so they could pass the miracles and stories onto their children and so on. What will this season in my life leave and how can I leave reminders – visual, of what God has done? I read in Mary Demuth’s parenting book, about her children finding it hard to live in France and how they took a Psalm and wrote their own – ‘things we miss from America’ was at the top and ‘something we like about France’ was at the bottom. It was an offering of sorts and a visual display of their own feelings. I am so glad of ideas and help through this season – for us to make great memories despite our pain and for us to be able to express our feelings and have a visual reminder of how God has helped us through this time.
Some more good memories for today: The girls said today how they would like to go back to London. We went when they were much smaller. They don’t know yet that my family are paying for us to go in Dec to visit with my brother and his wife. It is the second time they have said something like that. I responded by saying “why don’t we? Let’s just go, real soon OK!” they were pretty excited and that was with them thinking I was just being crazy and not truthful! I can’t wait to tell them.
We talked about High’s and lows over the dinner table tonight. I said I loved watching them bike down the road with me. They agreed and said that was a high. K liked overtaking L on her bike and being the fastest. I liked watching.
Another cool thing I read, in Sarah Williams book ‘Shaming the strong’ (the challenge of an unborn life) was about peace. I’ve never been able to explain how God has bought amazing peace to my life considering the disturbing past months. She puts it perfectly: I guess ‘peace that passes all understanding’ (Phil 4:7) would not mean anything if it was not the peace of a lighthouse in the middle of a horrendous storm.

God, thank you so much for your peace. It is amazing. Thank you for being able to remember the good and amazing things you have done. Help me not to forget what you are teaching us but to live it and help others with it eventually. May all this be to your glory.

Some things I’m thinking about

Spring – the daffodils, camellias, blossoms are all out and starting to fill my world with wonder. I love the start of spring, especially as there is hope of warmer weather and some more colour!
Bad reports – I’m finding it hard when people ask how it’s going with d and me. I have nothing positive to report and being a pretty positive person, that is stifling and I feel like I’m drowning in it. The most positive thing was that he had started a counselling course but it doesn’t appear that he is putting every effort in.
My response – I heard something about how we respond to God in situations as opposed to letting our situation dictate us. I liked that and thought I could think more on that. I also heard a quote from some random book – “God hears us when we are in the middle of a wonderful and busy life and he also hears us when we are in the desert and parched. But it is when we are in the desert and truly desperate, when we hear what God says to us.” That is my paraphrase but it made me think.
The girls – K was angry the other night, suddenly after finishing on the phone with daddy. I asked her to share how she was feeling and she told me she was angry with me, angry with me for marrying daddy. She wanted me to marry someone who would live with us forever……….. Isn’t that amazing, profound even? I am so glad she was able etc share that. I took her out for a fluffy the next day and some cake and I showed her a wedding album I had. She was in awe of it all and I explained a little about being in love etc. It was a moment I wasn’t sure how to handle but did what I felt. Parenting through this has been quite hard but I’m doing OK at it, apart from my outbursts of rage sometimes when things aren’t going as soothly as I’d like, like this morning when the girls poured water everywhere in their room. I said some rough things in rough ways of which I wasn’t proud of. I am thinking there will be no more water poured in the room this week.
TV – I’m thinking about how I watch too much of this sometime and forget about the source of my life. I have not spent much time with the lover of my soul, the one who makes me happy and who fills my life when nothing else will. I am sorry but glad He walks with me, whatever.
Retreat – I’m going on a spiritual retreat in 2 weeks. It’s for 4 days and it’s by myself (no children or friends) with food, a few times of prayer during the day, an hour of spiritual direction and time. Time for myself to be with my God and to speak with Him and listen. I’ve never done anything like this but someone wonderful is paying for me to do this. I’m in awe! I’m also a little nervous. How will it be and what will it look like? I’m a bit excited about it too.
Those are just some thoughts. Love me
PS Love the photos caz. you are clever.

Am i so dumb?

This year K started soccer. I’ve always been keen to have the girls involved in some kind of sport and artsy expression. Soccer was something that she was keen on, but each Sat, at game time, and each practice time, she preferred to not join in and rather play with mud on the side line. This was frustrating and surprising for me, especially as I had volunteered myself as the coach!
L always seemed keen to join in the practice and wanted to play when she was 5, just like K. I was hopeful that when eventually she did get to play, that she wouldn’t cry or perform like K routinely was. Well I eventually got over myself and the proud attitude of ‘don’t give up on something you’ve started’, and this last week I told K she didn’t have to play anymore and that I understood how she felt. Immediately L asked if she could play instead! Well of course! So here she is, a photo from her first game, where she actually kicked the ball more than K had in the whole season. She did really well, she is so keen and I am thinking ‘why didn’t I pick up on those clues before now!’
I don’t enjoy coaching, at all really. I like the thought of helping others, but I’m not wired in the sporting way. I won’t volunteer again I don’t think.
From the counselling and talking I’ve had this year, the opportunity to open up what is going on in my mind/heart, I’ve discovered some messages I’ve certainly lived by for awhile. They are not necessarily messages I believe in, but I have lived by them nevertheless. One message is that I have found value in doing things for others, I feel important, feeling like I’m something special and have something to offer.
So this year is rather opposite to the years I’ve had for many before. I have moved to a city, where I’m having a sabbatical – a rest from what I’ve been doing. People have asked me what I do during the week! Interesting question for someone who has placed huge value on doing ‘things’. I now answer ‘nothing in particular’ (apart from my delicious job of caring for L during the day). And it’s true. I do nothing that I used to do. Hardly any meetings, being in charge of anything, working to a schedule (cleaning the house should be on some sort of schedule I guess!), except for soccer coaching – ahhhhh.
Through this time, I have had to discover what I enjoy doing, for me and for the good of my family. I have walked more, even in the rain (L takes an umbrella on the pram just incase it drizzles), I have continued drinking a coffee a day, I have done some art, played the piano a few times and enjoyed changing rooms around. I have bought magazines, discovered recycling and read loads of books. I have baked and cooked and baked more. I have even made soup. I’ve never made soup, from scratch.
It’s good to discover more about me. To discover that I’m OK just being me, no more, no less.
Psalm 18 v 16 ish talks about how God stooped down to pick me up, because he delights in me. (my paraphrase). He delights in me. I am hopeful to rest in that more and to enjoy the simpleness of being ME.

flying foxes

Psalm 40 – it’s a favourite of mine from this year! Verse 17 says ‘As for me I am poor and needy, yet the Lord takes thought and plans for me. You are my help and my deliverer, O my God, do not tarry.
I was challenged in church, again, listening to a talk on ‘can I trust God?’ with where I’m at. They went on to say that we just can’t control everything in our life and what were our control mechanisms that we used when things begin to spin out of control? He, the speaker, took us to where the Israelites were stuck at the sea, between a rock and a hard place. The sea represents chaos for us, uncontrollable stuff (I’d never thought of that before – ah der!). The Israelites were tempted to go back to their slavery, funny.
K got the chance to go on a flying fox today. As I went with her to have a look, even I was feeling a bit ‘wobbly’ up there. She was keen, but twice, decided to not do it. The third time of heading up to the top, she gave it a go! I was so proud of her. Many times before, she has given up and been rigid in her decision. No trying or persevering, just NO! But this time she gave it a go and we had to stay longer at the park while she enjoyed some more of the freedom and fun she’d discovered. I was tickled pink to see her go for it.
Back to the preach: Ex 14:13-14 – Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.
I was just greatly encouraged by that. I can trust my God to do amazing things. He is in control, even when I try to control all things. He is a promise keeper and he does fight for us. I feel like it’s real simple stuff, but it’s real truth and I need to go back and back again to remind myself of the great story that I’m involved in. The word of God is my story and even in K trying to leap off the tower, trusting the flying fox, I’m wanting to do that. Hearing that this morning was good, but now writing it and reading over my notes, is just another way to get it into my heart I think.
I struggle with things in my story not being right, right now. Do not tarry God. I wish You would hurry things along, it’s a long long time. Nevertheless, I will trust You God.
L prayed today telling God about the different birthday cakes she was going to have – when I’m 4 I’ll have the Wiggles (I reminded her she was already 4), and when I’m 5 I’ll have a princess and when I’m 6 ……. Cute. We had spent all of our dinner trying not to sing Abba’s voule vou, ……. That song got in our head and I still can’t get it out! It was so much fun dancing around the room and shaking our body wildly, together. Doing this journey together, is wild but we’re together.

Back to basics

I haven’t blogged for awhile. I have felt guilty, again, for not doing something on my ‘to-do-list’. I haven’t even known what to write and now as I type, I still hardly know what will come out.
But I remind myself that blogging has been good for me. I think in some ways I’ve been drawn to myself and all that I’m learning about me over this time, that I’ve forgotten about Him. I’ve forgotten to get friends to pray for me. I’ve forgotten to think about Him and focus on Him, when I’ve been to the depths again this week. But ye ha, my brain is not completely fried and I’ve been reminded, so softly, to get my thinking, my heart, my focus, back on Him, my God. I’ve had Psalm 23 recalled to my spirit, I’ve read verses aloud that have bought me life and now they do again.
These past two weeks have been very hard for me. The last few days I’ve done a lot of crying – for no particular reason. My face has been melting a lot. Someone asked me if d had been mean. Not really, nothing too mean. It’s just all got on top of me again. Where is all of this going and where will I be at the end of it? I had a friend in a similar situation say she wanted all the pain to go away. I can understand that and I know I’ve said that too. But I’m also acutely aware that the pain I’m experiencing has some meaning and is doing something more than I can see.
I can be quite positive even in the worst of times. A helpful attitude mostly?!
Winter can be described as being a dark season – no colour, blandness with some frosty side effects. One author describes summer as being full of beauty and bountiful yet the beauty of winter is amazing – it’s starkness helps you see a tree as it really is, bare and very clear. I can kind of understand that in my winter time at present. I have seen the blossoms forming ain this last week nd it makes me feel closer to some kind of light in my own small world.
As I reread what I’ve written I think my thoughts are all over the place. They are. I feel worry about the future as for the first time, I can’t see what lies ahead. I feel fearful of that too. I am compelled to trust God who holds me in his hands. I am saying again and again: God you have good plans for our family, plans to bring about the future we hope for (Jer 29:11). I am also asking friends again, to pray with me. It seems to be such a strength and each time I feel much better, no matter the length of the prayer.
Psalm 40 – (my paraphrase). You heard my cry and lifted me out of the mirey clay – you set my feet upon a rock and you put a new song in my heart, that many would see and hear about you through me.
At the end-ish of the psalm, it talks about how you are my deliverer and to not tarry. Please don’t tarry God.