eggs in my head

Holidays come and you sometimes don’t even realize how much you needed them. We just headed away for a few days and had a fab time. The change of scenery, the adventure of the unknown, the new environment, was all bliss. Loved it a lot! Didn’t think I’d love it that much. I love the surprises in life.
We were tripping around places that d and I had many connections, places where we had made memories, celebrated peoples 21sts, mini putt and bowling (I remember getting my first, and possibly only, hole in one!), one anniversary celebrated there with a night in a flash inn and dinner out somewhere lavish, holidays with friends there over many years.
The memories or flashbacks were kind of a surprise too. I felt if I thought too long about them, I’d be sad on the wee holiday. But to name them for what they were has been a good thing. I miss him. Or I miss having ‘someone’. When I looked at the pig and her family at the wee farm we visited, I thought of how we are all feeding pigs at sometime in our life. I just wished d hadn’t walked from me to feed pigs. I felt that loneliness again of doing a holiday without the sense of proper (in my own mind), ‘family’.



Stephanie Dowrick says ‘At the core of loneliness often lies a fear of abandonment, usually experienced as a fear that the loneliness---the feeling of not being wanted by someone, of not being recognized, or understood, or sought after, or appreciated---will go on forever. No rescuer will come. And behind the fear of abandonment is something else: a lack of trust in your own self. Do I exist in any meaningful way? Does my existence matter?’
To be over it (my marriage dissolving) or saying “I’m OK” is fine. Time is healing and God is healing. I do think how nice it’d be if he had gone on holiday with us, if he walked back into our lives after feeding the pigs for a rather long time.
Weird how nice it is to have friendly conversations of recent with him, It could turn at any moment, yet loving, really loving the reminder of how nice it was to be in relationship with Him. My friend, my companion, my husband.
So much in our world, but so far gone now.
Part of our dreams but now apart of them
Provider of our needs, now taker
Lover, now kind of enemy.
Weird – messes with my head, yet again.
And then I read in God’s word, how David had a chance to kill Saul many times yet he held this honor towards him and did not. Saul was deserving of some kind of ‘beating’ from David indeed, but David chose the high road – “As God lives, either God will strike him, or his time will come and he’ll die in bed, or he’ll fall in battle, but God forbid that I should lay a finger on God’s anointed.’ Wow
This is a very scrambled blog of a very scrambled eggs in my head. But more and more I’m Ok with the scrambledness realizing God brings stuff to the light and it’s OK for it to sit there and not be solved right away. Somewhere in the mist of the darkness where the light shines, God uses people, his word, creation and other things to help me see more clearly. I am maturing glady, in my response to situations. I think!
Henri Nouwen – Make the conscious choice to move the attention of your anxious heart away from the waves and direct it to the one who walks on them and says, “It’s me. Don’t be afraid.’ …..
What might happen if I shifted my attention away from the waves and to the One who walks on them? What concrete thing could I do to help redirect my attention and not worry about what is gone, my loss?