Today is a very dumb day. It shouldn’t be a very dumb day at all, but without expecting or thinking about it, it has become an Eeyore-black-rain cloud day. It’s one of those days where I feel a deep sadness come over me and I want to fix it by buying something (of which I have done) and/or eating something (of which I’m just enjoying a lemon muffin from the freezer full of long bits of rind). But as I drove along realizing my plight of black cloud-ness, I was again fully aware of the choice I had. I could turn my stuff over to God. So I cried, without too many words. For quite awhile I just let myself cry. I’m hoping this is a good sign of how far I’ve come, but there is still more melting of my face that is needed.
It’s funny (well not hilarious!) how stuff can just pop up and you’re like “ahhhhh, where did that come from?” It’s good timing I must believe, however annoying it may be.
Today is K’s birthday. And I’m a crazy mum. I love tradition, I love cake, I love present finding. But today we did it without D. We took our family photo with everyone in their pj’s on our bed, without d. He is always here for all this silly, crazy stuff. He video’s the present opening, he sets the camera up for the family photo on the bed and he writes in our special book that we have. He and I both write about all the amazing thoughts and feelings we have for K and then we stick the crazy family photo in. This year the photo will be of only the 3 of us and that makes me sad. Very sad today.
I love it how you can try to control everything and be all organized but when it comes to it, and the cracks show, you can fall face down again, realizing your need for God in your crazy world. I just do need you God, like a warm blanket on a cold night, like the glimpse of sun on a rainy day with a promise of what is to come, like gentle incredible peace that totally surpasses understanding. I am just here, sitting, being me and it hurts today. Other days are fine and lovely. But today is simply not. And I recognize my need for you God.
My precious K grace, I am so hopeful you won’t see mum’s face melting today, on your first day of being 6. You are an incredible young girl. You have a tremendously big heart, that has room for others and not just yourself. You openly confess God as someone you desire to know and to put first and that is so great. You make me think and you make me laugh. I love every part of you, the good and the rascally. The rascally parts just make me aware that you are normal and that you too struggle with being a human. I am so grateful for your prayers, your morning hugs, your special notes, the ideas that you have and your willingness to share your opinion. I trust that I can help you make the most of being 6 in this next year.
God bless my girl. Show her more of you and how to live through this season and into the next. Thank you for K. Thank you for your grace.
(i haven't blogged for ages and the great thing is, i am not feeling guilty! big stuff 4 me)
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