I heard the best talk on new years resolutions the other day. It wasn’t a talk that made you walk away and feel pressured to do anything or you would die but a challenge to sit down and do the following: To think of or write a list of things that needed to be left behind from 2008 and also a list that could be added to your life for 2009.
I told a friend I had thought of one or two to let go of: to stop swearing as much as I have this year (to stop basically!), to pray more with friends when they are with me – for it to be a natural thing between friends.
Walter Brueggeman writes about anniversaries (I’ve said this before sorry) and how they cause us to have a look backwards at all the good things but to plan for the future looking forward to what it may bring!
I was in Sydney when I started writing this: we only have one more flight to get home and it’s been an amazing trip home thus far. I have feared it to be honest – the length but also the fear of going home to ‘who knows what! They went quickly, the second one where we just watched loads of movies!
(now at home) Last year was painful but incredible. I saw the blessings and on most days, they outweigh the sludge.
Returning home was probably harder than I’d expected. I was looking forward to being at ‘home’ as I often yearn for the ‘familiar’ but I’d been surrounded by family for over 5 weeks and that was comforting and warm. The night I got home, after fussing with suitcases, I suddenly realized I was all alone and I became aware of my sense of smell. The place we live in, smelt like it did when we first moved in last year. It was a horrible reminder, instantly, of the year that had been. Ahhhh I wasn’t expecting that!
Funny how smell can do that. or maybe it’s not funny! The challenge I’ve felt after processing some of this is quite a biggie: Can I really trust God, no matter what the outcome? Another way I’ve worded this is: can I really trust God with the outcome – giving him all my hopes for our future considering how it really truly looks like d is so far away from the miracle I yearn? Can I say: I trust you God. I trust you God. I truly trust you.
I’m hoping I can say that. It feels big, like I’m letting go of the ‘gutsy miracle faith’ that I had, that seems slightly dwindled now, a year later.
It is a choice and I am hoping to walk in that over these next few weeks.
Here is a great poem to finish with, not my own, but a great one which will perhaps land itself on my wall soon!
O love thou wilt not let me go
I rest my weary soul in thee
I give thee back the life I owe
That in thine ocean depths
Its flow may richer, fuller be
O joy that seekest me through pain
I cannot close my heart to thee
I trace the rainbow thru the rain
And feel the promise is not vain
That morn shall tearless be
George Matheson
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