laments

I’m doing an assignment on the life of David. I have to choose one chapter and exegete the scripture and prepare a talk on it (good practice for preaching prep). I’ve chosen 2 Sam chapter 1 where King Saul and his son Jonathan have died. David has every right to rejoice and be estatic about the death of the man who has tried to kill him many a time, but again David chooses to give glory to God and to give his pain to God. He laments.

I’m reading a lot about lament and how it’s not a winging or whining to God but an invitation more or less, inviting God into the pain of our circumstance. David said that the lament he made, was to be taught to the Israelites. We must learn to lament.

Anyway it’s a good thing to be learning about in more depth. I think I’ve lamented well and in lots of ways over these last few years, perhaps without even knowing it. Today comes another experience of which to cry out to God about, to let him know the despair of my heart and why my face keeps melting.

Last night d said (really kindly and before he has even told the girls) that he will be taking them to another country for Christmas. He kindly told me it was only for 5 days as my voice began to break and the tears began to fall. I had prayed for a few months that he wouldn’t take them and had hope that my prayers would be answered in the way I wanted. But alas! I have to face the pain of the loss of separation. It’s kind of like you’re put in jail for doing something you didn’t do and you just can’t get out. Of course it is not nearly as bad as that but it’s kind of the picture I get – the loss of control, the ‘nothing you can do about it’ kind of scenario. And it’s all happening on my birthday. Yippie.

The same day my big brother and his family leave to go home to Australia, after having an early Christmas with us. I wish he didn’t have to go then and could stay for the 25^th, just so I could feel like I had a family or some sort of semblance of family there. It will just be ma and me for Christmas and as lovely as that is, it just feels painfully small and insignificant. Mum on her own and me on my own.

I’m not sure how I’ll cope but when the feelings of ‘running away’ come (which pose themselves as – “which country could I fly to or which town could I fly to, so I am in control of my abandonment and not having to feel like I’ve been left alone at home), I’m less inclined to entertain them and I’m trying to be more inclined to cry and give those feelings to Him. A kind of lament I think.

Thank you Han, that we can do Christmas with you. Thank you God that you make family out of a mixture of people coming together. Thank you that in the middle of the stormy painful prickles you Live and move and have your way. Thank you d for being kinder in your way with words.

Psalm 25

To you O Lord, I lift up my soul;

In you I trust, O my God.

Show me your ways, O LORD,

Teach me your paths;

Guide me in your truth and teach me,

For you are God my Saviour

And my hope is in You all day long

The troubles of my heart have multipled;

Free me from my anguish