The heart

Proverbs 27:19 As water reflects a face, so a mans heart reflects the man.

We heard a great preach yesterday at churchie re the heart. Keeping it soft. Keeping it close to God rather than far away. A preach on how Spiritual formation is happening all the time, whether we notice it or not!

On reflection, I notice it. The same morning, yesterday morning, I made the youngest of my two fully tidy her new pink (hand me down) desk or I threatened to give it to the older one. Ahhhhh, poor darling didn’t have any idea how to tidy it and I was a rambling mother making her tidy something just for my own picky-nature.

On a normal day, having given good instructions and plenty of time, it would have been an achievable task for the just about 6 year old. But as I rushed to wash my hair in the shower I realised that I had acted out some of my inner agro on her. And I hadn’t even got to church to hear the preach on the heart.

On the way home from church I whispered my sorry to her. I wanted my heart to be right with her. I realised I was holding some rough stuff inside yet acting it out on others.

Man it’s great to be self-aware. I’m so grateful for the prompting and soft voice of my maker who makes me aware. He said he would never leave us or forsake us. He said he would leave the comforter, the Holy Spirit, to guide us and to lead us. Appreciating that.

I’m feeling like we’re a little bit small. 3. I’m feeling like we are a little boat on a big sea. We were 4 and that felt tidy, complete. Maybe just needing a dog. But now each of us, in our way, desire more companionship than our current number. We do love days of being on our own and having a rest from crowds. But mostly we love going back to the crowd of friends we have.

I know a little of what the girls feel from hearing them speak. Their screams of delight when I announce a plan with friends. I feel it mostly at night at the mo. The routine of getting girls in bed, making a cuppa and sitting down to watch something. I am missing d and the company we had, when it was healthy. I miss the ‘us’ factor when I’m around others at the mo.

I’m reading a book by Joan D Chittister – ‘Scarred by struggle, transformed by hope’ which goes through the different struggles you face when you have a disaster come upon you and the gifts that come with that. She is a nun I think. She is brilliant at writing and insightful. ‘The gift of surrender …… There are times to let a thing go. There is a time to put a thing down, however unresolved, however baffling, however wrong, however unjust it may be. There are some things in life that cannot be changed, however intent we are to change them. There is a time to let surrender take over so that the past does not consume the present, so that new life can come, so that joy has a chance to surprise us again.’ Two years ago, this month, d left us. Sometime in the next few weeks (or months if it’s his normal timing with doing the hard stuff!) he will be coming to talk to me. An apology of some sort is on his agenda. Maybe an explanation. Maybe and highly probably, he walks after he apologises. I’m totally not sure which way it will be but it’s certainly on my mind. Will I have to lay that dream completely down? Will I have to start all over again and how weird and/or fun could that be? How weird would it be starting again with d boy? How will I keep doing repair work with the girls as they go through the grief process at different ages?

So many questions and continually not many answers. But there is the peace that surpasses my own understanding and there is Joy in the pain of it all. I can only marvel at the last two years in how we have survived and lived and loved.

Other books I’m enjoying are Annabel Langbeins ‘eat fresh, and ‘Etcetera etc’ by Sibella Court (beautiful, home-stuff design book).

Life is certainly not always happy-happy, clappy-clappy but in life there is always a choice. To live and to tend the garden of my heart. Another good challenge for tweeeeny ten.