glorious food ...

I’ve got to the best weight I’ve ever been this year. It was a number that I’d always hoped to be and never dreamed possible I think. The only reason I got there was because of the stress of the trauma in my life but it seemed to be one of the better things that had come from that time. So many positive comments. Feeling better buying a different size. But today I am feeling disappointed as my pants seem tighter and the scales don’t say that magic number. I’ve felt this coming on over the past months and haven’t been able to stop myself eating those extra things I’ve decided I deserve! For some reason, I remember when my dad died (at age 11), my mum would eat packets of biscuits in the evenings (not sure how I even know that) and she preceeded to put on weight. Yikes I’m thinking. My husband hasn’t died, but it feels like he has. And I find myself, by myself in the evenings. And I find myself needing a little something to lift me up. So I abide in those feelings and go for it. People always seem to want to leave me delicious morsels and of course my love of baking has not helped me move away from this unhealthy habit.
This week I’ve walked a lot, in effort to help my mind breathe but also to move my body. Each time I’ve walked it has poured with rain on the way home. Crazy especially pushing my girl who is 4, who puts up with mum’s crazy need for walk. I think I can do something about my eating habits. I’ve decided that I will eat smaller portions – serve myself smaller portions esp at main meals. That is my big epiphany and I haven’t come to a healthy decision re the fattening feasts after the girls have gone to bed. So I guess I felt like I’d arrived this year, when I saw that number on the scales. And now I feel it’s slipping away from me and I have felt quite powerless. Ah what to do. How do I bccome accountable for these eating habits? When you have a friend or husband, you can work on it together. D and I went to weight watchers together to loose 5 0or 10 kg a few years ago. It was a really positive move. What is the real reason I am eating? (that’s what the counsellor would say for sure!). These are some good questions, none of which I’m able to answer whole heartedly yet, but good to get out on the table.
I’m looking forward to tomorrow, a sleep-in while the girls watch a movie, some time at a lovely friends house for lunch and then maybe a bike ride down the road before we settle in for the evening at home. Will sat pm involve me resisting temptation or having another scoopful or 2 of that irresistible cookies and cream flavour in our freezer! Ahhhhhhh.