Walking with someone

Yesterday I walked from my home to the otherside of town, trying to get there in time for an appointment whilst also trying to get some fitness in. When I arrived, proud of myself for making it, the ladies on reception were quite impressed and offered me coffee to recover from my effort (water was what I needed really)! They commented on how relaxing a walk can be, admiring creation etc. I agreed but had also came to realise that it hadn’t been relaxing at all, as I was quite stressed about getting to my appointment on time. I laughed at how it was a chance for me to get exercised and also to have some time for my head to clear, yet how it had counterbalanced due to the face I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it! I read a section from CS Lewis’s ‘the horse and his boy’, where Shasta (the boy) is walking with his horse, after some real tough stuff. He becomes aware, as he is walking along, of a ‘creature’ quietly walking with him. Eventually, when he can ignore it no longer, he talks to this creature. He shares his own woeful story (after the ‘thing’ asks to hear his story’) and finds that through all of the ‘situations’ that nearly took his life, this creature was there with him. Sometimes this creature had even saved his life, though Shasta didn’t recognise that at the time. He ends up commenting on how He was there in the story of his life. It is such a lovely piece of writing, directing our hearts to the fact that God is in every part of our story, yet he still wants to hear how it is from us.
I’ve been back from my retreat experience and sadly been quite busy with ‘stuff’ since then. I laugh in some ways when I think about the retreat. I was the youngest by miles (sort of the only one with full coloured hair) and I was also the only one not to wear any polar fleece. I wanted to giggle out loud at times (when it was not a time to be talking even) so I had to concentrate on behaving myself. At times this is hard for me. Hard to imagine?
I loved some definite things about the retreat: having time with a wonderful lady, older than me, who listened and pointed me to God. That was for an hour each day. Some times I cried and she told me to be comfortable with that and not apologise. She encouraged me to see where God was, in all the parts of my story. I was reminded that God has been with me through out this journey. I discovered some truth about waiting – the picture of a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly. Waiting takes time. Am I ok with waiting? Not really but I’m more OK with it now, seeing that it’s not a bad thing but a vital part of my own transformation. And how to wait? Twiddling my thumbs, finding more things to keep me busy? That doesn’t seem to be the idea. ‘Waiting is the ‘in-between time’. It calls us to be in this moment/season, without leaning so far into the future that we tear our roots from the present.’ TS Elliot wrote “a lifetime burning in every moment”.
What I learned, I painted or wrote down, talked a lot to God about and walked on the beach with coffee.
Sometimes I feel like I am a spider with a big web. It’s so big and intricate with all it’s different parts. It’s confusing sometimes how to know how to process all of the different things I think. But I was reminded that all of the feelings we have are important and getting them down on paper or out of our head, is a good idea. I have heard the phrase ‘you need to process that anger’, or whatever emotion. I just asked a lot while on retreat: ‘but how?’ I feel more equipped to do that now – to write down anything that comes out and to see where God is in it and how he is with me and all my humanity. When sad or bad memories come up, I’m not so afraid of them now. I’m more willing to ask God, ‘what are you wanting me to validate here or show me here? I’m more willing to not push the memory away but to cry or let myself be with it, maybe to forgive or maybe to pray. Maybe to do nothing but be?
I talked with a lovely lady today who said she wasn’t glad she’d been through the ‘rough stuff’ she’d been through but could definitely say she was amazed at the things she’d learned through them. I’m glad to say the process of this stuff has me mystified at times but sensing God more than I have before. I’d rather wear my merino than polar fleece and I can’t wait to be in the ‘butterfly’ part and not feel like a spider!