blank canvas

If there was a photo with todays writing, it would be of a blank canvas.
sometimes i hate a blank canvas, sometimes i love them.
I would love to have a stash of them so if i was ever inspired to paint something fabulous, then i could. but at other times i hate the thought of having a stack of them because i know i'd feel the pressure to do something with them.
My mind really does feel blank some days and particularly this last few months.
I feel bad that i haven't written a lot, i just literally have had no thought of what to write.
I am having lots of interesting times full of joy and question, full of stress and laughter. But my canvas feels a bit blank.
I think that is because i've been worried about what i'm doing this year and feeling a litlte guilty that i'm not getting a 'real job'. It's a bit weird doing 'nothing' (which really means school drop-off, shopping for food, washing, cooking, baking, washing, vacumning and more of that, walking and drinking coffee plus the ocassional deep thoug/revelation or movie watch!). I actually feel quite good about doing the things i'm doing, but it does feel a bit like nothing, when people ask what i'm doing. I feel like a bit of a slacker, yet i know it's amazing having a year (a 2nd year) where i'm finding out more about me and what gives me joy and where i'm giving myself some space to discover what this whole next season will find me doing. And yes, where being a 'mum' is the most important job.
So if i was to paint that canvas, it would probably be half one colour and the other half white. OR it would be a smile on one side and a q mark on the other. these pictures would represent the tension i feel where i'm happy to be waiting (discovering what really drives me with passion) and that waiting actually precedes a lot of good things (a butterfly coming out of it's final stage of crysalis) with the other side of that being "oh my goodness, what will i do when i actually have to get a job?" and Can i trust God in this waiting time or will i just go off and get a wee job so that i feel valuable to my world?
I am reading Dawn French's 'Dear Fatty'. She is rather funny and i like the concept she has used to write. She writes letters to people who were or are huge in her life, particularly her dad. She also writes to a few randoms like madonna and george clooney. It's quite funny but it's a fantastic way to get your feelings out i think. emmmm something to do - write some letters and perhaps not send them, but just use them to fill that canvas.
I love reading over letters that i've been given by friends and loved ones. they are so precious considering the age of 'email' that we are in. The girls write me letters sometimes. i love them. they write that they love me, even when i get mad and they write such funny wee things. Being a mum is crazy fun. crazy in that it drives me bonkers sometimes, but it's also crazy fun doing life with such little lovelies. The end, of the canvas writing for today. It's not so blank.