the elephant in the room

I often talk about my 20’s and how great they were. I enjoyed flatting, even flatting by myself, having a job and spending that money on whatever I chose, hanging out with friends and traveling the country with them in our crazy cars or on more luxurious flights. Going to 21sts, engagement parties and weddings were included in those years. It was bliss . I encourage people who are in their 20’s to do the same – enjoy them. No mortgage perhaps, not quite yet married, a special time after leaving home. A special kind of freedom. It wasn’t a freedom I abused I don’t think and that’s why I have such great feelings about it.
I feel like I’m in my 20’s again, with some extra carry-on-luggage. I can’t come and go as I please, as I have two lovelies to look after but there are other ways where I feel like I am. Except I’m 35.
I’m kind of not sure what I want to say about this, how I feel about it. I love it in some ways – the freedom to do what I want, with it’s limits. Spending my money on what I want – not having to consider another one or be accountable to him. Choosing to watch or do whatever I want in the evenings when the little ones are asleep, not having to consider anyone but myself. Being able to be quiet or loud. Being able to be myself.
But I do feel this tug of war within myself: The desire to be connected wholeheartedly with another and also the enjoyment of doing life myself at the moment. I can’t imagine what it will be like to join up again with another. But I desire that. It scares me to think that I like doing things in the quiet of my own company so much and that it works out pretty well most of the time. Will I enjoy my independence too much and not want to get dependent again? I think the answer is no but I feel it strongly. I also feel very strongly the surging desire to be loved by someone. Am I able to wait and trust? I can’t strongly answer that question at the moment.
I was told that this really nice looking chap, who I don’t know at all, looked me up and down. I was flattered and excited in a girly kind of way. Wow, I have those girlie emotions still at play. Hillarious but scary. Thoughts of a man (I have only said a few words too, once) are filling my mind. It annoys me but it also makes me feel valued and excited about the adventure of the unknown.
In the Bible, Adam named the animals as part of the process of obtaining dominion over them. Can I do this? Name my ‘hidden creatures’? Being perfectly honest with myself I feel the pull of independence that I’m in and how I could make wrong choices and not have to tell a soul. That scares me a little. It scares me a lot. Would I be flattered enough to go on a date with a ‘random’, not having to share that with anyone if I chose not too? I feel that I could do that. I’ve always been a good girl (in my own opinion!).
So my big questions, to ask of myself are these, again probably: What are you trying to show me God and am I willing to be shown? Can I trust you God, with my future or am I going to go along with some of these strong emotions I am feeling? Why do I have these emotions – what is the deepest vulnerability of my heart at this moment? Can I face that and can I hand it to you God?
I need to ‘fess’ this up to someone that is a solid friend and possibly of the male species. I actually need a ‘daddy’ friend to share this with and to ask him to pray with me. The café where I normally see this random really nice looking chap, was where I went today with some friends (I do go there most days). He wasn’t there, But the Manly Man friend who is like a ‘dad’ to me, was. It was like these neon arrows pointing from God: “Hello sarah, here is the one I have provided for what you need.”
I laugh at the surprises of God in my life. This Godly Daddy man was busy, but I know what I need to do. Thank you God for friends. Thank you God for your interest in my silly girlish notions. Thank you for helping me to be brave and face my fears.
I figure I will be naming some of my animals in the next few days. At least i've begun to name the elephant in my room.
(the photos – I’ve wanted to dry hydrangers for yonks but have no tree. I asked a young fellow who was renting a place with heaps of these beauties, if I could steal some. He was so oblidging he even left me scissors for my return! The Feijoas were the same – some uni students who were leaving them all over their lawn. I asked, I received.)