finding meaning in the pain?

So the story continues, this time a little more dramatic from the drama queen herself. I do have to make a constant note to myself at the mo: This blog is good for me and it is a page for me to get my thoughts out, regardless of what anyone may think. It is something that has given me scope for my processing. I’m hoping I can keep being as real as the air I breathe and the pain I feel and the joy I experience, as I write.
The whole great experience of the ‘chat’ lasted euphorically for me for a few days but then began to fill my mind constantly, I mean like every second. What would I say if ….? How would I behave if ….? The boundaries of my heart were being pushed and I could sense God was amongst it all, no matter how painful it was getting. A few days later I was meeting a mentoree at a café, the same café I go all the time, and as I walked in, there she was, and there he was! Ahhhhhh. We had a chat and then I sat with my friend to do chatting. Except it was all of me chatting (I’m supposed to be listening to her and hearing her heart!) and I’m saying: “ahhhh I want to go out with that guy” and we talked about the boundaries in that with being who I was and where I was at at the mo. She, little to her own understanding, said the best thing she could have said, all while I was thinking about going to this guys work and asking him if he would want to have coffee. I had got so desperate in my own head, that I was contemplating taking control of the whole situation, almost so I could put an end to the constant mind chatter I’d been having. I cried like a baby as she made her suggestion, in such a gentle and kind way to her wiser (?), older, blubbering friend. “Do you think you should ring Ma and Pa D?” As I was crying, not even answering her, I text Ma to say I was in a bad way and needed to come round.
I felt instantly like the war in my mind had been stopped and that sense had arrived for a moment.
I had a wonderful, tearful, deep time with these people. My dear older and wiser friends. They suggested that something was going on for me and that even in the middle of all of my pain, I could find meaning in it. And they will help me walk through that. They recognized I’m really vulnerable at the mo, they recognize that I was being honest even if no one wants to hear what my heart truly wants to do. I explained to them that I feel lost in a world of couples, lonely from the company of a man. This guy made me feel so special for one moment and it lit a fire of something way bigger. The tension for me is also not just that I’m single, but still married but that I need to know in some way that God still walks with me, if I choose to have a coffee or something with this guy.
I don’t want to light something that I can’t put out. But I will acknowledge the gap and the pain that is there, from the loss of a males company and affection and adoration. In all of this I’m pretty honest with my friends. This is hard. This is painful and I’m not in a good way. I want to do what I feel like, which may not necessarily be the wisest thing to do. And today I’m OK with that, because I’m being honest, I’m saying where my heart is at. I’m not sure if others are so OK with my pain, but I’m OK with it and that it may take a little to wrestle with it. I’m having some time with Pa this week and that will be good.
I took a drive yesterday to visit a beautiful friend. It ended with her and I putting our children in the car, and her praying for me, in the rain, under a tree. I felt sheltered and protected and loved by God, in the presence of her humble prayer and her lingering hug. It was a little bit of God, in the middle of my storm and I appreciated it so much. Thanks u