beam me up

The girls and I often pray or have dinner without the lights on and some other form of light. We have these awesome twinkly lights in a vase which are so groovy. We have a number of exciting candles and lighting them is so much fun for us. Sometimes before we roast marshmallows on our open fire, I get the girls to look at the light and talk about how Jesus is the Light of the World and how he brings light to our darkness. Light is fascinating. Light is illuminating. Light is very needed.
This past week or two has been rather dark and then suddenly a light has shone in on my darkness. I love that! I feel alive, I feel honest and I feel free-er. I am so grateful for the way God shines his light on the truth of our hearts. It talks a bit in the bible about walking in the light and that is what I feel I’ve experienced – a bit of illumination. I’m currently very OK (which has pleasantly surprised me) with the current switch that has come on. Everything is not all fixed but it’s out in the open for me, so I’m aware that God is doing something. I have some words that would describe what is going on in my heart, but that I can’t almost put sentences too. And that’s OK too. It has been a raw week or two, yesterday was the date of what would have been our ten year anniversary, someone showing interest in me which even though that is nothing really, it did bring up some big-as issues for me. It’s been crazy emotionally and for my poor wee mind, but it’s been good. Freaky how one can say that.
I did catch up with a lovely new friend yesterday, and for some reason she launched straight into the fact that sometimes life is really painful and that that’s OK. That was right where I was at and it was good to hear someone else say it. She is trying to teach her kids that lesson too, right from the word go. We will fall over, we will get hurt and that is just a part of the life that we live.
So the words that are at the forefront of my mind at the mo are: ‘Disillussionment’, ‘perfect world’, ‘abandonment’. Those are the lights that have come on for me. Not sure entirely what to do with the knowledge of them, but they are shining brightly and I’m open to what God would say and do in this next wee while.
Some cool things this week – L (5 years) wanted to give me a married kiss, which apparently is where one tilts their head to the side and the other places their lips on top and they kiss. She insisted we get married right then and there by doing the tilted angle marriage kiss. Delicious. Only she erupted in tears when I laughed at how cute it was. So we needed to talk a little more about what marriage meant – it’s not only the lop-sided kiss at the ceremony that makes the marriage! Later in the week they both confessed, very quickly, that L had kissed a boy at school (not the marriage kiss, just a cheek!). I laughed again and was able to find out all the juicy info! L told me she didn’t want to go to dad’s last night and she wanted me to know she was ‘serious’. “I’m serious mum”. A delicious friend gave me a generous voucher to spend at a lovely fav shop in the city, so I had something else to think about rather than my anniversary that wasn’t really one at all! Thank you friend. I appreciate the texts and calls from friends acknowledging this dumb kind of day. People are amazing to us. I thank God for my friends. A delicious one turned up on Fri, the ten-year day of remembrance, and made me completely forget about it at all. We had such a lovey time going out for lunch and catching up on our crazy lives. I loved being with you Abby. You are so nice.
I do remember a song from growing up, which after singing it as many times as we did, it grew rather tiresome. Shine Jesus Shine. I laugh as I think about it, as it ended up being an annoying song. But I thank you Jesus, for the bulbs that you turn on in my life. You are the light of the world. Thanks for shining on the deepness of my heart.