The colour pink

Today was an interesting day indeed.

My dear mummy rung to say she had called an ambulance in the early hours of the morning and was calling me from the emergency department of Wellington Hospital.

I was dripping wet from my shower, feeling a little naked in a few ways.

I imagine that having a few people walk in while you were in the shower, would be a total uncovering, never to be seen the same way again, by those people! a little bit hillarious to think about, but nonetheless shocking to think about. Vulnerability, completely - this is me!

I felt a little like that this morning, on reflection. I got a bit of a fright. I kind of went into control-freak mode, ringing my brothers, texting them, telling the girls about their dear grandmothers wee trip in an ambulance to hospital all whilst still standing in my towel realising i had to get ready for the school morning as well!

Later as I talked with my bro and his yummy wife, i realised some funny things about myself. about my nakedness.

I think when mum told me what was happening i had a scare, and got a bit emotional - my automatic reaction tends to be emotional - worry and fear, abandonment again possibly, and some tears. I tend to flip to the emotional side and forget all the important details or facts of the story. Sometimes i wonder why i can't recall things from certain times. Now the question i ask myself is: do i do that as a protective mechanism or control freak thing leaving the data or more detailed information to the side? Sounds flippin over the top to be analyising this today. I kind of feel like a light has come on though.

Recently i did the 'stretching love' thing again with the girls and we wrote truths on love hearts that we had learnt over the last two years in regards to d leaving us. It was amazing to see them write the truths they had grasped. Truth like: God has good plans for us. Even if daddy left us, we are doing well. We are a family - where we are is our family. and more .....

Today as i told the girls about Grandmas trip in her pink Pajamas, to hospital, L started crying when she saw my tears. Some truths had to be shared: What do we do when we worry? They both knew, we pray. Worry doesn't always go away forever so i reminded them to pray when they worried today.

That truth applies to me in my emotional response to the possibility of another 'abandonment'. I seem to have a 'mental' thing i do where i block out the facts which could lead to a calmer storm, sooner, and go with the 'worry-and-fix-it-quick' method. As i'm talking to the girls and as we are praying, I'm reminding myself just as much as I'm reminding them, of the truth.

Turns out Grandma in her pink pajamas, is having a lovely time in hospital meeting all the people, reading her book, having ecg's and chest xrays, joking about how she is going to catch the train home in her pink slippers, with eventually no sign of a heart attack. She is cleared later in the day and is resting in her home with her pinkness. My mum was amazing at making sure we knew she was fine, caring for our hearts, not wanting us to worry. What a fabulous lady.

I will endeavour to bring my own fear and abandonment to the Light of God asking Him for his beautiful help again. Funny how situations can lead us to seeing more clearly. Crazy how it can take like 36 years to realise some things but that those things are part of our journey.

Sarah I love talking to you. Matt I love talking to you. Thanks for your good questions for me and your ability to laugh with me when i discover how silly i am sometimes or how vulnerable i am sometimes. You don't make me feel like a fool when i forget to obtain important information like what mum is being tested for or her vitals. You seem to understand that for some crazy reason all i can remember is that mum is wearing pink today and that she has her sense of humour on board. Must be that i love clothes and jokes! Love love u and miss miss you!