storming in a tea cup

Today I have not liked you.

Today was like a bad dream, a storm in a tea-cup.

Today, you were going so well, you were so on time, time for a cup of tea from the pot and maybe even a hot crumpet (rather than the normal cold one made and then forgotten till time has nearly run out).

But alas, today got grumpier and meaner. It turned into a midwinter storm that wouldn't stop, enabling other little storms to rear their head. Eventually innocent weather turned to stormy thunderstruck turmoil where not a single pair of shoes could be found for the 7 year old to wear. Admittedly she chose not to find these foot-covers but she had good reason after the battering storm had hit her, again and again with verbal turbulence.

Today was not started well. By 8:30 - AM, all three sailors in the ship of our house were crying their eyes out, weeping rainclouds upon the hardened hearts of wrong words spoken in stormy-stinky-pooh moments.

Today the master of the ship was a wreck-age. She was lost and broken and fearful for the harm she had caused to her sailors. No matter how she adores them, she felt incredible failure and heartbreak. The captain of the ship needed to walk the plank.

Fortunately she didn't, she turned the ship around by suggesting (never done this before by the way!), a total change of direction - a hashbrown or a hot chocolate at mcdonalds, before school. As captain 'sadness' headed the black ship to the yellow arches, the small sailors were beside themselves. how could a ship suddenly change direction like this? She told them again of how sorry she was for being a useless captain and how she hoped they could forgive her as she again tried to be a better leader.

She kissed them in goodbye in true captain style, lipstick on their cheeks, as they soldiered onto school with their 'good morning' reminder of forgiveness, repentance and choices. A good captain isn't one just by buying something from the yellow-arched-fix-it-shop but a good captain shows that not everything has to be bad.

To be honest, the captain's day didn't have any less tears in the tea-cup but as the captain cried her way through the day, she was aware she was surrounded by dear friends, by prayerful hearts and by truth.

I have felt quite low (sorry to be repetitive) , esp in my parenting which is my patience and grace for the girls. I am embarassed by myself, if the walls could speak. I am praying for grace and wisdom. I am finding it hard to do this alone. Today and for the last few weeks, it's been hard.

The truth is i don't want to parent the way that I am. I do some ok things for sure but i'm not doing so well in parenting alone, just at the moment.

To even talk about it with others, is hard. To admit disappointment in myself as a capable parent, is difficult for me.

I'm needing a bit of captainry myself.

I miss my brothers being around, the strong male influences in my life, the wisdom and guidance from a mans eyes, that i would look too now as the next best thing to the long-lost husband at sea. I hope to call you real soon little and big brother.

Over and out, not from the drunken sailor, but from the one who does her best to see the rainbow coming after the rain.