Love letters

Dear K and L

I am so glad you are home.

I loved it how you bought me a candle K, you commented on how I always bring you presents when I go away and you wanted to do the same.  So sweet.

I love it how you told me you really missed me L, how you are happy to be home. I felt so loved when you asked how my time has been without you.  What a thoughtful girl you are.  You can see, I hope, that even when you’re away, I can choose to spend my time with friends and make the most of the opportunities.

I am sorry that your heart feels like it’s crashed sometimes, as you are living out the journey you’ve kind of been stuck in.  Tears streamed down your face this Sun am before church, as you again asked hopeful questions about your dad joining us. I do pray for your tender heart and I did remind you that God heals our hearts when they feel sore and hurt.  I showed you what a hand lifted to God with our little piles of sadness in it, looked like.  I told you that he loves to take our pain and to pour his love into us.

K I loved how you yelled out “I’m so glad I’m home” after you’d settled back in.  When we went for a bike ride, I felt so glad you shared your feelings with me.  I was talking of a moment when dad was younger but I called him ‘your dad’.  You told me gently that it made you feel like he wasn’t part of us.  I responded saying I was sorry to make you feel that way and also that sometimes it’s hard to know what to call him, after he left mummy.  Good conversations. 

I can’t tell you this now, as you’re too young to understand it really, but d and I are now divorced.  I got the certificate (yes it was like a ‘well-done’ award on nice paper) this week while you were away.  It’s not something that we’ll be putting on the wall, but it is there, quietly sitting in it’s own little place.

So while lots of things will stay the same, I’m ready for whatever God has for us in this new time.  We are such a great team, I am so grateful to God that you are in my life.  I would not be the same without you two!  I feel like my heart has got a lot better and I’m kind of up for some kind of new adventure.  But also I want to be a careful mumma who watches out for you when you need reassuring or extra care, and that I’ll be aware of myself when I run into my pain sometimes and have to ask for help or prayers or just a moment to breathe.

I’m thankful for the fish we got for you L (and as of today they are still alive), I’m grateful for the times we’ve had over the holidays together and I’m jolly grateful for u, 2. May I always be a mum who leads you to God for your strength and help.  He is so amazing and I honour Him for who we are today.

Love mum