smalled by lifes throwings

Today I quote a friends text she sent recently – ‘life is so big and sometimes I feel dwarfed by it’. I really liked that when I read it, it says what we all feel at times.

The oven blew up last night while a meat loaf was cooking.

The computer was shutting down every time I’d read my favourite blog and I was missing my friends life via the net.

The production I’m heading up at church is looming and the pressure is building.

My dear friend of many years had a baby girl yesterday. That same day, her mum died. I am so far away from her and I feel absent and heart-wrenched for her.

I feel dwarfed.

A wonderful friend challenged me regarding my marriage. Time is ticking – only a few months till it could be all over according to the law of our land. Have I done everything I can to let him know that I am still committed to this? I guess that means have I told him that I’m here. That I’m committed to our vows. That a marriage takes two people and that I am part of that and want to do the work together.

Boy this was a great challenge. A hard one in loads of ways. But I remember praying that if God wanted me to be a ‘Ruth’ or an ‘Esther’, then please show me.

My friend doesn’t deny that it is a huge risk, the vulnerability again and the chance of being rejected and abandoned once more. This conversation with her has bought a balance again to my faith in action. Or it’s bought some kind of challenge to my faith in action. It’s refired my hope and I needed that. I’d kind of resigned myself to the fact it’s over. Without much of a fight. Kind of like those Israelites with Goliath. Not a chance anyone could have beaten him. Kind of like the Israelites standing at the red sea. No way out. And God speaks: stand and see what I will do. He makes a way where there is no way.

So I am aiming to position myself where I will be able to say to my girls, when they are older, that whether d is with us or not, I did everything I could to make it work, using the gifts (those precious stones david picked to hurl at goliath – perhaps they represent forgiveness, self-sacrifice, mercy …….) God has given me.

So adding all these things up in my brain, I’m thinking there is a lot going on and it feels like a mushed up mess of sadness, fear, tension and pressure. In the midst of the storm, my God speaks and I’m glad.

Today the oven got fixed, the computer was fixed for free by a great computer man, I was able to contact my friend and I’ve begun scripting what I’ll say to d.

Heart in hand – laying it all out, warts and all, I come to you God. Heart in hand – I’ll speak simply and straight to d one day soon, but my heart will be in my hand open and soft as God calls it to be.