thinking christmas already

I wish I’d written some happier moments before writing again. Loads has happened since last entry, house sold, lovely conversation had with husband who is not one, producing of a musical, some movies being watched (‘I love you so much’ – French subtitles, amazing! ‘Sunshine cleaners’), me realizing that when I am agro with the kids it’s usually because I am having a hypo with my diabetes – good to realize this before doing anything drastic! Devouring a box (over a few nights) of the new lindt chocolate flavoured balls – ‘stracciatella’ which is short for white chocolate with cocoa pieces and a delectably smooth centre, – oh and one of my favourite memories of the last week – making a delicious carrot cake which turned out to be easy and a success. I’ve never made that particular type of cake and it just felt so great making something I thought I’d never make!
Tonight something dawned on me, as I proceeded to recognize the feelings of downcastedness (is that even a word?) slowly eeeeek their way into my mind and then fully into my body. Like an ache, not a painful one but an obvious one. Something’s not right and I need to invite God into the picture so I can see it clearly and gain some understanding if poss.
I feel abandoned. Yes definitely abandoned by d. I have been chewing over the fact that he seems to be softening and changing and surprisingly right infront of my eyes. How dare this happen without a warning! It’s been a good surprise but a hard one. Could the softening of ones heart be OK and still as great, if that one still chooses to walk away at the end of it all? I don’t know and it’s something I’m wrestling with with my big boxing gloves. Is it OK to say sorry or seek forgiveness yet still walk away from the mess one has caused? Yeah it’s tricky and sometimes pays not to think about too much!
Abandonment has hit me in a few areas, I’m only realizing it tonight. None of these situations are anyone’s choice, apart from d, but they still seem to leave a mark. And I choose to deal with them in interesting ways – withdrawl to protect myself, which doesn’t make sense but is one of the coping mechanisms one can use. I don’t want to do Christmas without my kids and that may be the outcome this year. It’s highly possible it won’t be, but the dread and fear of it is overwhelming, so much so that I have decided in my heart to fly away to somewhere rather than do Christmas with friends and my mum, I even am happy to go to a place by myself. Well I say im happy but that is probably just a silly joke I’m playing on myself.
When dad died, I thought he was tricking us and that he was just hiding somewhere. I thought I’d see him one day when walking down the street and I imagined hitting him for tricking me. I thought he had abandoned me or us. There is a sense of ‘where are you?’ running around my crazy mind and there also is one with d. I have said to people that I feel like I need to slap myself to wake me from the nightmare. But it’s not a dream, it’s truly real. It’s as real as my dad dying. But it’s different. Dad didn’t choose death.
I feel lost without d. I feel overwhelmed by how much he was part of my life since I was 14ish and the silence of him now. He is not here. He has left the party, gone with the wind or flown our coup.
Some q remain: How will I respond to the feelings of being left alone at the party, in the wind or in the coup? Will I leave things which are too hard to face or bear? Will I abandon the simple situations that I’m facing?
Will i be able to resist that cream cheese icing?