I am quite a tidy person, almost verging on obsessive compulsive. I like the house to be tidy when I leave so when I get home, I don’t have to do anything to it. As this year has unfolded, I’m trying to be OK with the fact that mess is alright. Some things are messy.
Now I’m thinking a little about how I lost it with the girls yesterday and how when I did, K said “I think we should pray” and instead of waiting for approval or acknowledgement, she launched into : “Dear God, please help mummy speak kindly when it’s hard for her”. I lost it again, in tears, humbled gently by my darlings who only continued to show more kindness to me as I knelt on the ground crying. I am in awe of how I can think I’m all in control and then realise that a 5 and 4 year old can be in more control than I and that that’s actually OK.
I am so proud of them and I’m pleased to say I have tried a lot harder to be patient today. The girls know, through my tears, that life is harder when you are parenting alone. It is not our hope that I always will be, but at the moment that is reality. They are sympathetic and kind to a grumpy mum. They are angels. I guess I’m realising that to share my pain with them, age-appropriately, is a simple sign that parents don’t have it all together and that they need help too.
Yesterday we made “my Dad is great” books, based on a book we have on the shelf. They wrote sentences with me and drew matching pictures, L drew a picture of the tooth fairy with Daddy reaching out. Funny. As I join with them, helping them process some of the pain of our year, drawing and putting glitter wherever we can, I am glad. Glad that we can process this way and others, not just with our words or melting face.
Creativity is helping me process the pain of separation at this time. I am so in awe of the ideas God gives to help one cope. Grumpy mum just needed to cry and the girls needed to talk and pray yesterday as well as colour and put hot glue all over their book. So here’s hoping for a new day tomorrow where I remember to relax and not lose it, even when it’s hard. That verse about how God’s mercies are new every morning – that’s a goodie. SJ
1 comment:
Humbling to realise that God can use our children to influence us, and to be His instruments that speak into our lives. I was kneeling on the floor with you, knowing I have done this too when Greg has been away for a long time. Its a big chunk of humble pie for sure, but I can see how God is holding K and L tightly in His Daddy embrace. They will lack for nothing.
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