Some joys of lately ....

Pinwheels are indeed the blessed scone. If you ever get a chance to try a cinnamon danish from a bakery in New Zealand called 'bread works', heated for a few moments, then you will have found a deep joy that could quickly become an addiction (not speaking from experience?!).

I decided to give them a go, knowing they would be nothing like the buttery croisant texture of the breadworks ones, but hoping for some home-made delight. We really loved these, smothered in butter, but as i was eating one i had this extra thought - how about some glaze to go on top? The girls mouths were drueling. The glaze made them perfect. Dough, rolled out, cinnamon and brown sugar sprinkled, rolled up and cut, baked and then iced. Oh my goodness, easy-peasy yummy scrummy. Too many and they get called sinwheels. Even one from breadworks gets immediately called that.

I notice that i am constantly encouraged by others and that they have this amazing way of locking me into their stories and helping me see God in whatever they are going through. Amy, Claire and Pip, you lead me on a merry journey when we talk, drink coffee (or wine), eat, laugh or have melting faces. Adoration is what i feel when i'm with you special women.


This was a pretty special moment indeed. I had arrived back home at 1am after the sydney trip, and then woke at 7ish to see my babies and then get ready for a breakfast with two dear ones. We literally had a brief window to catch each other. Fi was flying out with Chey only hours after i had flown in. We hadn't seen each other for over two years.

Fiona has been my friend since she was very young (like 11 ish i think!) when she started coming to our youth group (with her bro and sis - i ended up marrying her bro) and we've been dear heart friends since then. It did my heart well, to be with you Fi. You are a wonderful and precious woman. I'm so glad we got to see one another again. Can't wait till the next time.

Joy comes in different ways - but to me it is often when i'm with people, listening to them, hearing their hearts or simply laughing with them. K said to me the other day, after the 7th time she'd got out of bed, that when i was finished with them, she'd like my boots. K normally never gets out of bed as she falls to sleep pretty quick. But this night i ended up sneaking in again and again just to have wee chats. There was something special about connecting with her on this level. L was happily sleeping in the bed next to K but as we whispered about fashion and fun, we connected. She also wanted my earrings and my necklaces. K loves my stuff, it was so cute. She thought her mum was cool. Hoping that will last when she is a teenager! Next day she dressed up for school, put this cool-as hat on and looked fab. Joy, you've got to watch out for it or you might miss it.

the girli weekend away

Hannah and I planned a trip to Sydney to do a few things - go to the Lindt cafe, perhaps a little or a lot of shopping and of course to see Donna Hay's general store.

So the time came and off we went for 4 glorious days in the summery winter weather of Sydney

We stayed with relatives who live on the harbour and along with the incredible view, we did everything we had wanted. We even got to drink cafe from a sweet wee deli just up the road. The coffee wasn't too bad at all in Sydney, only if bought from an independent cafe (eg not starbucks).

One of the best things, was meeting, talking and having photos with none other than .......

Donna Hay herself. I was beside myself with excitement (sadly the friendly photographer got a tree shadow in her face - ah der!). My friend Pip introduced me to her magazines years ago and i've been loving her bi-monthly magazines and cook books since then. She is a doll. So are you Pip!

It was a fabulous trip, the Lindt cafe topped it off too. We had a blast.

leaving on a jet plane ....

I have a thousand thoughts to get down on the blog - some really nice updates from times with friends, pinwheel scones and other such fancy stuff.

BUT i'm off to Sydney tomorrow with a girli friend for a girli weekend. yes, rather exciting. he he.

Still i do carry in my heart (not to get all nerdy on myself) an awareness that even in a time of selfish fun (shopping, coffee, delicious treats, new place to explore), I can see that God can work in me and through me and i'm actually excited about what may come over the next four days.

I will be back with pictures of homemade pinwheels. or should i call them sinwheels and fun or interesting stories to keep telling.

Love love, hope whatever you are doing, you can see Him in it.

PS Amy Pip and Claire, loved being with you last fri, it was delightful. as you are.

A rainy day but have no fear!

What to do with our day off?

Yes let's dress up and pop over to a party to celebrate the Queen and her birthday.

Let's play games and dance

And definately lets eat

Let's hang with our friends

Thanks Han Han for the amazing fun. You are pure deliciousness.

hello june

The following are some things that have happened recently in our lives. They are all individual things in their own right, mostly not related at all. But isn’t it funny how some things can relate and make you think and have ‘aha’ moments.

This citrus slice is more than an aha moment, its pure joy. Give it a try, easy peasy and ridiculously yummy. No oven needed even. (ta Bec)

Base

2x packets of super wine (or vanilla wine or krispie) biscuits

250 grams butter

1 can condensed milk

1 cup coconut

Grated rind of two lemons

Icing

Icing sugar

Butter

Juice of the 2 lemons

Crush the biscuits in blender and put in a bowl. Mix through the coconut and the rind of the two lemons. Put condensed milk and butter in a pot and heat on medium on the stove until butter has melted through. Pour butter and condensed milk mixture into the bowl with the biscuits etc. and mix through. Pour mixted into a slice pan and flatten mout then put in fridge (I usually line the pan with glad wrap as its then really easy to pull the whole thing out).

For the icing its just your usual icing with the juice of the two lemons squeezed in.

Once the base has cooled down spread icing on top and then sprinkle with coconut.

K had a homework assignment on writing about something she treasured. She was thinking and thinking (without much help from her ma) and came up with this:

MY TREASURE

^{My treasure was given to me one night. Other things were given as well like gloves, pants and my treasure. I bet you did not know that my treasure is a book! In fact these types of books are the number one best selling books! I will give you a clue (if you want to guess.) It has a cover with stars on it, gliter pages and a book mark. Ok I think you have guessed it by now it is my bible! My bible is very special to me because it has god’s word in it and it helps me learn more and more about god and under stand more about him.}

This is the words to my favourite verse in part of the Bible called luke Jesus said:

LOVE YOUR ENEMIES.

DO GOOD TO THOSE WHO HATE YOU.

BLESS THOSE WHO CURSE YOU.

PRAY FOR THOSE WHO ILL TREAT YOU.

She’s 7. I was pretty proud of that. She has to do a speech and show her treasure. I had realised the girls only had baby bibles to read from so searched and found a beautiful, small good-news version (going back to my own childhood), with a denim cover with stars all over it!

My brother Matt has encouraged, urged, reminded me (all year) to ring my landlord until she delivered on the ‘warmth’ in our house. She had promised insulation, a fire (or heat pump) and a heat transfer system. It’s June in NZ and it’s beautifully sunny at the mo, but def on the chilly side. Anyway after another reminder from my bro, I called again. This Monday I was rung saying some people would be round to get quotes. Man oh man, I thought that never would happen! Persistence pays off. They are putting a fireplace in (the open one that is in the lounge is very unhelpful with pumping much heat out) and a heat transfer system. There is a story in the bible about the widow knocking on the landlords door, knowing that even if he doesn’t want to answer, he will as she keeps knocking. He eventually does and she gets what she needs. I’m reminded to keep persisting in prayer (as I worry about things) and to do that with my landlord! Fantastic thing just happened that interrupted my writing, a family from church are bringing some wood round for us – fantastic indeed! Each time I’ve gone to the shed to get wood, I cringe and worry with the amount that is left. Winter has only started and with an open fire you use fuel up pretty quick. As I’ve loaded wood up, cringing, I’ve heard this voice reminding me to Trust. Trust me, the voice whispers. I’ve turned the cringe into a prayer thanking Him each time I’ve headed out there! It’s been a good process to go through.

I made these sweet dresses (bunting style really), for an idea i have for the girls room. They look so darn cute.

I talked with d the other day about loss. Somehow we got onto that and I had commented saying that I thought he had what he wanted – freedom and the chance to start again! He replied with comments about how much he felt he had lost. He wasn’t boastful or rude. He was sincere. I thought I wouldn’t see that side of him for many years but we engaged for a good amount of time, even with some jokes. The thing he felt he had lost, what he mentioned first, was the church family I had gained in the new town. He also looked at my photo board (reminder of the fab friends and family I have) and said that most of those people weren’t in his life anymore. He has suffered loss. A small glimpse into his private world. I almost felt like I’d gone back to where I was the older and wiser one counselling him (that was eyons ago, when we were teenagers!). Totally weird as well: I was talking to him like I would a stranger, listening to their story and asking some questions to probe deeper. I have noticed there really aren’t many rules when you go through this kind of thing, but there sure is loss. He has given up on trying, not that he tried very hard, to engage with the supposed lost friends. He has chosen not to pursue anything. Interesting where we end up when we make particular choices. You choose, you lose, in this case.

L is sensitive at the mo, maybe just normal but I’m noticing it more. She is 6. I am wanting to help her not be so grumpy, or despairing, rather than reacting to her and doing ‘cross’ voices or faces at her. It’s a little more difficult when you have a muddy situation you can’t see so clearly. I guess I’m just wanting some insight into her character to help her blossom and not wilt. She is one fabulous young lady, interested in how keys turn locks and how many tiles are on the ceiling. Her questions flow fast and steadily. Her big sis has gone away for a sleepover tonight and she could only comment on how she felt so lonely without her presence. Teary moment. Only this morning she confessed to having thoughts about how annoying she found her sister, on a regular basis. She said her mind does naughty things sometimes. Hillarious, honest, heartwarming. Later she is missing her like crazy. I felt honoured to get a glimpse into her private world too. I hope for more of those moments, to take the time just to lie on the bed, read ‘the naughtiest school girl’ and engage.

I hope you are not finding it too hard, to choose life for the situation you are in currently. God bless you. Love reading your stories and hearing your stories. When they are told, they give me encouragement, laughs and fuel to go on.

(Can’t wait to see you this week Ames. Xx)

The colour pink

Today was an interesting day indeed.

My dear mummy rung to say she had called an ambulance in the early hours of the morning and was calling me from the emergency department of Wellington Hospital.

I was dripping wet from my shower, feeling a little naked in a few ways.

I imagine that having a few people walk in while you were in the shower, would be a total uncovering, never to be seen the same way again, by those people! a little bit hillarious to think about, but nonetheless shocking to think about. Vulnerability, completely - this is me!

I felt a little like that this morning, on reflection. I got a bit of a fright. I kind of went into control-freak mode, ringing my brothers, texting them, telling the girls about their dear grandmothers wee trip in an ambulance to hospital all whilst still standing in my towel realising i had to get ready for the school morning as well!

Later as I talked with my bro and his yummy wife, i realised some funny things about myself. about my nakedness.

I think when mum told me what was happening i had a scare, and got a bit emotional - my automatic reaction tends to be emotional - worry and fear, abandonment again possibly, and some tears. I tend to flip to the emotional side and forget all the important details or facts of the story. Sometimes i wonder why i can't recall things from certain times. Now the question i ask myself is: do i do that as a protective mechanism or control freak thing leaving the data or more detailed information to the side? Sounds flippin over the top to be analyising this today. I kind of feel like a light has come on though.

Recently i did the 'stretching love' thing again with the girls and we wrote truths on love hearts that we had learnt over the last two years in regards to d leaving us. It was amazing to see them write the truths they had grasped. Truth like: God has good plans for us. Even if daddy left us, we are doing well. We are a family - where we are is our family. and more .....

Today as i told the girls about Grandmas trip in her pink Pajamas, to hospital, L started crying when she saw my tears. Some truths had to be shared: What do we do when we worry? They both knew, we pray. Worry doesn't always go away forever so i reminded them to pray when they worried today.

That truth applies to me in my emotional response to the possibility of another 'abandonment'. I seem to have a 'mental' thing i do where i block out the facts which could lead to a calmer storm, sooner, and go with the 'worry-and-fix-it-quick' method. As i'm talking to the girls and as we are praying, I'm reminding myself just as much as I'm reminding them, of the truth.

Turns out Grandma in her pink pajamas, is having a lovely time in hospital meeting all the people, reading her book, having ecg's and chest xrays, joking about how she is going to catch the train home in her pink slippers, with eventually no sign of a heart attack. She is cleared later in the day and is resting in her home with her pinkness. My mum was amazing at making sure we knew she was fine, caring for our hearts, not wanting us to worry. What a fabulous lady.

I will endeavour to bring my own fear and abandonment to the Light of God asking Him for his beautiful help again. Funny how situations can lead us to seeing more clearly. Crazy how it can take like 36 years to realise some things but that those things are part of our journey.

Sarah I love talking to you. Matt I love talking to you. Thanks for your good questions for me and your ability to laugh with me when i discover how silly i am sometimes or how vulnerable i am sometimes. You don't make me feel like a fool when i forget to obtain important information like what mum is being tested for or her vitals. You seem to understand that for some crazy reason all i can remember is that mum is wearing pink today and that she has her sense of humour on board. Must be that i love clothes and jokes! Love love u and miss miss you!

3 times a bridesmaid ......

I do recall that little jingle being said to me as i was coming up to and over that no of bridesmaid duties. I tried to ignore it. I wasn't going to get married it appeared, at the same time as others.

I loved being a bridesmaid, the latest one i was in was one where the Bride won Bride of the Year. My beautiful second cousin Alex asked me to be part of the party. And we got to be in a magazine! The local barista told me i was in the magazine, at the time of publication. "Oh my goodness - what were you doing reading that magazine?" i replied.

There have been 9 wonderful times, all different and all beautiful and dear friends. I'm still hopeful for number 10. Harder as you hit your 30's!

And there are more!

Bride of the year and the Lloyds do the bridesmaid thing together ......

and i've even had the priviledge of marrying many friends ..........

And somewhere in the middle of those momentous celebrations, there was my own, dated 22 May 1999.

My body-guard brothers walked me down the isle and sang with me in the car on the way to ceremony .....

The diabetic bride....

My special friends, Sarah, Ange, Chrissy and Anna ..........

Funny thing is, i'm just about to send divorce papers off, as d hasn't seemed to have got round to it. We would have been married 11 years today ...... and i'm alright about that.

Truthfully it's been good for my heart to look over photos and see the many great times i've had, many with d as part of the package. And that's alright too. I think i'll need to look over the photo albums again soon, with more detail. Maybe when looking through them, God will speak again or bring another bout of healing, or just some joy from the incredible life i feel i've lived so far.

I loved being bridesmaids to my friends. I've dearly loved marrying people too. Marriage is a wonderful idea of God's. I'm hopeful that this ditty is not true: 9 times a bridesmaid, one time a bride, never a bride again.

All parts being known

A few aims of late:

To start using ical (calendar programme on macs), esp as I have it on my computer but also so I can be more accountable to myself in the PE area of my life mostly.

To get my teaching registration up-and-running so I can begin to teach again. Kind of beginning to realize, after many-a-year, I am passionate about that and pretty alright at doing it.

To get up earlier to read and pray.

Get some prayer for my fear: When I was little I remember vividly praying in my bed that I would die before my mum and dad so that I wouldn’t have to be sad. I think now, that those were big thoughts for a young girl to have at such a young (maybe 5) age. Where did they come from? Funny, or actually not funny thing: Dad died of cancer when I was 11. Crazy.

I spent my married life fearing that d would die too. We would discuss it and he would always comment that he wouldn’t die. He was right. He didn’t die, he desserted. Jumped ship. I always remember having very opinionated views re death and divorce, as a teenager and teacher. My opinion was that death was easier. It was final. On a bad day, I will wish that it was death and not the other.

So my latest thing that I worry about, is what will happen if I die, with my girls? I just had a few thoughts over the weekend and am thinking rather than just leave those to fester, I’ll open them up to Jesus who is the Light of the World. He is the light of my world. I’ll get someone to pray with me cause I always remember how my fun and luscious friend Ange said one day: Let’s stand together and pray, let’s believe together for this. I’ll stand with you. Kind of like: two is better than one.

He is a kind helper bringing things to the surface, of our lives, so we can see his restorative work. Rather than carry this load, I’ll share it.

Just a cute thing to finish with. Mum arrived last week with presents for Mothers day that the girls had picked out. Check them out.

How well they seem to know me. I've not talked about wanting a teapot to them but i have wanted one. My fav colour is blue and mum tried to talk L into buying a white one (as ma knew my favouring kitchen colour was white) but she was definate in wanting this. I love it!

I couldn't have chosen a better candle myself. What wonderful taste k has!

To be loved is to be known. I felt really known in this experience. Precious ones.

Stretchy love

(L mastering skipping at dance class - what a pro)

A newer friend made this cool thing for our family.

It is a piece of board (you need your imagining head on now) covered in material (board not too big - a small platter size) with felt houses on it, 6 in total.

One of the houses is the biggest and each house has a nail in it.

Attached to this board is elastic with tags on it. You write the names of your family, one on each tag. These tags have a hole in the middle, big enough to fit on the nail of any of the houses.

The biggest house represents our family home where K, L and I live.

The pink house, made of felt, in the left hand bottom corner, is d's house, we decided.

The other houses are listed as our special friends homes so we can talk about visiting them if we want.

The thing that makes this stretchy love is the following - the elastic joins all of the tags together, the girls are joined to me, the girls are joined to d (who is missing in action) but the mum and dad tags are not joined. Stretchy love.

When i first looked at it as my friend was explaining, i almost wanted to cry. I had acquired a picture that expressed the emotional picture of our life. Separation yet together.

When d (the tag) is at his home alone, we are at ours together. They are joined to him though. Nice visuals. When they put their tags on his house (their weekends with him), they are still joined to me via elastic. Hard to see our little felt house, with one person at it. But it's true and cleverly portrayed.

I felt i hadn't seen into the 7 year olds heart for awhile so was quite pleased as she shared something from her stretchy-heart experience.

"I wish i wasn't born in this family".

"yeah" i replied.

"i wish i was born in a family like Kathy and Mark" (two parents, lovely peeps).

I was thankful for the shared heart. I was happy for a glimpse into her private world. A door was opened and i thanked her. I agreed that I wished it wasn't this way too.

We talked the next day through shower steam, about how glad i was to hear her heart and that God was full of surprises for our family.

I'm glad of stretchy love. It's just another tool to help these and hopefully many more, wee dear-hearts, process and heal and understand the messiest of things. Life.

When i get to go out, this is often the picture i'm left with - little noses pressed against the window, trying to be glad for me that i get a night out, trying to be glad that it's Grandma babysitting, mostly wanting me just to stay home!
I'm glad of the love that stretches, even when i'm away from them.