The day before

The day before this day was a cool day for the girls regarding those flowers. We have been overwhelmed with flowers this year, mostly because we ask the flowershop next door if we can have their leftovers. But we’ve also been given a bucket load and I’ve really loved it. Who wouldn’t?
These flowers were special and really made me appreciate the thoughtfulness of them. And they weren’t even for me.
Today has been a hard day and I have no idea why. It felt a little like I was walking through sludge, with jandals on. It was a beautiful day weather wise, unlike the german Christmas one, so that wasn’t affecting my mood. Even as I write this, I’m not sure what came over me. It is however my 35th birthday tomorrow. It’s definitely a call for celebration – mum says so anyway. I’ve survived 35 years, or more like she has! I am very far away from home, as I know it and that should be a good, no a grand thing. And it is. But inside I feel a deep sense of loss. I want d to be here to help me celebrate. Well I don’t want him here like he is at the mo. But I miss his company and him doing this stuff with us, as he was.The nice d. Funny how you can want to be with someone, even when they’ve been a jerk.
I can’t even understand why I am feeling sad regarding that. I guess my body (designed amazingly by God), lets me feel these things, so I can deal with whatever it is that is coming up. It is confusing though.
I am BIG into celebrations, but don’t really feel like celebrating. Of course it will be lovely but today I deeply feel the loss, again, like at K’s 6th bday. Strange, but real. I’m just trying to acknowledge those feelings and not push them down, I say, justifying myself. Also I know he will ring tomorrow, and that is hard. He won’t be ringing for me, but it’s Sunday and that has routinely been the day he calls while we’ve been away. I wonder what I would say if he asked to speak to me and said “happy birthday”. I wonder how I’ll feel if he doesn’t acknowlege it at all.
So wearing my jandals, I will go on. There are always good things to think about. I think, wearing my jandals on this sludge-walked day, I will acknowledge God. I am feeling that I haven’t talked or communicated to Him for a very long time, so here goes:
God I give all this stuff to you today. I offer it to you, dirty and all. My feelings of loss and sense of ‘Ahhhhh where do I belong?”, I offer to you. It feels like a weird sacrifice, but a needed one. You have said you would not leave me or forsake me and You have said your plans are good for me (and my family). I thank you for that. Please take the loss of my heart and use it. I Honour you my God, you are my Prince in more ways than just one.
The flowers, given by a friend of my bro, a delicious French man who together with his wife, have loved meeting the girls. They were heading away on their Christmas break and he met with us briefly to say goodbye and he met the girls with a flower each. I was so touched for them. What a godly and wise gesture from a person who has met them 3 times maybe. What a way to show the Father’s love, to delicious girls who need to see that more than ever. Thank you God for the love you show, through flowers and others.