2 years and counting

Looking back over the last two years is a good thing to indulge in:

Fabulous new friends who have been life to me and the girls.

Surprise gifts of money in the letterbox, my handbag, a chewing gum container, posted many times, adding up to well over 4 g. We have been blessed.

Parcels in the mail, just because people want to surprise us.

A dear friend ringing faithfully every Mon to pray with me no matter what my emotions are doing. Always a prayer. Always a mention of scripture to encourage.

Finding the creative side in me.

Buying a new wardrobe of clothes miraculously. Amazing. Fun!

A trip to London and beyond.

Food parcels, diet coke by the box-full, firewood, lamb and venison to fill the freezer, vouchers, coffee (so much coffee), cards, emails ….

A beautiful cottage to live in, in a fabulous suburb

Older and wiser people visiting and allowing me to visit and wallow or inquire

Having a voice to ask for help and using that voice

Being accepted with the gifting I have and being used in that @ church

Ah so much to remember and to remind what God has done in this time. To be able to look at a painful period in my life and to say there was joy and love and definitely laughter.

Discovering a small liking of wine, not an indulgent liking thankfully.

Going to movies with my mum. My mum giving us so much, my brothers and their families doing the same.

The visits from youth and families that were in our church previous to now and them valuing who I am and not distancing themselves because of where I’m at.

Flowers – so many flowers

Sharing and praying and teaching my girls through this time. Knowing that what we have been through will help others and will aid us in the future.

The countdown is on. This weekend d will come and talk. Not really sure what I think about it all. It’s pretty obvious in many ways that it will be the end.

It’s been two years. L turns 6 next week and it was on that day that d announced his unlove for me in a undemonstrative way. I’m hoping this week will go fast with school going back etc. I’m hopeful in God that I’ll not erupt like a lava-filled mountain but will have some clues beforehand as to how I can respond to whatever the heck d may say.

As I’ve admitted before, I get anxious before big situations and I anticipate it all going rather badly. I’ve already planned some meanish things I can say on the weekend to him, so this week I’ll try and boot them out of the way, so that I don’t feel the need to protect myself from rejection. Big sentence. I always find that I needn’t have anticipated the worst outcome of a situation and that God pleasantly surprises me.

Things to think about this week: There are some options with jobs this year, so I’m going to look into that this week. Exciting. Planning L’s no 6 cake is on the agenda plus the invites – ahhhhh. Covering school books. Meal planning? Baking stuff for school lunches. Focusing on the known and not the unknown.

Planetshakers latest album has a song, which has a line or two saying this: 'You are good all the time and your love endures forever'. That is the known. The weekend is the unknown and that makes it scary. But I will try and sit and relax in the known.

10 things i love about .......

Ten things making me happy

Thanks for the tag beautiful Amy. Here is my list. It’s good to stop and recall some of what makes my heart beat loudly.

A fun and romantic movie def does

Humour. Being able to laugh at oneself and with others.

Coffee

Faith in the presence of a companioning God

Beauty – in things, art, people or words. God speaking through his creation.

Playing games with the girls or cards with friends – thanks for the latest one Cazzie, you rock!

Baking and eating it

Creating - stuff, a new look in a room .......

Walking outdoors with a friend

Togetherness - Family meaning blood and other combos of friends. Remembering to celebrate.

These two make me smile outloud and ridiculously happy.

When the heart has to wait

Here are a few notes (Sue Monk Kidd – When the heart waits) I took awhile ago. I thought rewriting them would be helpful to me and maybe you when you read this. Love me xx

The life of the Spirit is never static. We’re born on one level only to find some new struggle toward wholeness gestating within. That’s the sacred intent of life, of God, to move us continually toward growth, toward recovering all that is lost and orphaned within us and restoring the divine image imprinted on our soul.

A cocoon is no escape. It’s an in-between house where the change takes place. When you wait, taking the long way, you are trusting that there’s a transforming discovering lying pooled along the way. Thoreau – “nothing can be more useful to a man than a determination not to be hurried.” Where is our willingness to incubate pain and let it birth something new? Jesus experienced a sense of Gods absence. “My God, where are you? Why have you forsaken me?”

God making a home with us during our waiting, sharing the experience no q asked. Creating a “merciful being together”.

I feared waiting because such pauses in life brought me close to the dark holes and empty pockets inside me, to the rigidities and self-lies I had fashioned.

Contemplative waiting is consenting to be where we really are.

We have to learn to stand still in order to continue our journey…. The more we run around, the more we lose touch with ourselves, the less of us there is …. Allan Jones

We tend to align ourselves with the rhythm and pace around us. If you want to stay in your waiting, you’ll need to refrain from the frantic pace around you.

We can go on and on, waiting for the next “happening of life”. Hurrying toward it, trying to make it happen. We live from peak event to peak event, from brightness to brightness, resisting the flat terrain of ordinary time – the in-between time. Waiting is the in-between time. It calls us to be in this moment/season, without leaning so far into the future that we tear our roots from the present.

“A lifetime burning in every moment” TS Elliot.

An attitude of expected beingness – not intent upon results and not concerned.

Giving up our need to control and manipulate, we can relax and relate to life with a faithful knowing that if we cease to act, life itself will not cease. It may, in fact, grow full.

In waiting (Meister Eckhart) we find God new and immediate in every moment, not something “out there” to be grasped some other time.

The heart

Proverbs 27:19 As water reflects a face, so a mans heart reflects the man.

We heard a great preach yesterday at churchie re the heart. Keeping it soft. Keeping it close to God rather than far away. A preach on how Spiritual formation is happening all the time, whether we notice it or not!

On reflection, I notice it. The same morning, yesterday morning, I made the youngest of my two fully tidy her new pink (hand me down) desk or I threatened to give it to the older one. Ahhhhh, poor darling didn’t have any idea how to tidy it and I was a rambling mother making her tidy something just for my own picky-nature.

On a normal day, having given good instructions and plenty of time, it would have been an achievable task for the just about 6 year old. But as I rushed to wash my hair in the shower I realised that I had acted out some of my inner agro on her. And I hadn’t even got to church to hear the preach on the heart.

On the way home from church I whispered my sorry to her. I wanted my heart to be right with her. I realised I was holding some rough stuff inside yet acting it out on others.

Man it’s great to be self-aware. I’m so grateful for the prompting and soft voice of my maker who makes me aware. He said he would never leave us or forsake us. He said he would leave the comforter, the Holy Spirit, to guide us and to lead us. Appreciating that.

I’m feeling like we’re a little bit small. 3. I’m feeling like we are a little boat on a big sea. We were 4 and that felt tidy, complete. Maybe just needing a dog. But now each of us, in our way, desire more companionship than our current number. We do love days of being on our own and having a rest from crowds. But mostly we love going back to the crowd of friends we have.

I know a little of what the girls feel from hearing them speak. Their screams of delight when I announce a plan with friends. I feel it mostly at night at the mo. The routine of getting girls in bed, making a cuppa and sitting down to watch something. I am missing d and the company we had, when it was healthy. I miss the ‘us’ factor when I’m around others at the mo.

I’m reading a book by Joan D Chittister – ‘Scarred by struggle, transformed by hope’ which goes through the different struggles you face when you have a disaster come upon you and the gifts that come with that. She is a nun I think. She is brilliant at writing and insightful. ‘The gift of surrender …… There are times to let a thing go. There is a time to put a thing down, however unresolved, however baffling, however wrong, however unjust it may be. There are some things in life that cannot be changed, however intent we are to change them. There is a time to let surrender take over so that the past does not consume the present, so that new life can come, so that joy has a chance to surprise us again.’ Two years ago, this month, d left us. Sometime in the next few weeks (or months if it’s his normal timing with doing the hard stuff!) he will be coming to talk to me. An apology of some sort is on his agenda. Maybe an explanation. Maybe and highly probably, he walks after he apologises. I’m totally not sure which way it will be but it’s certainly on my mind. Will I have to lay that dream completely down? Will I have to start all over again and how weird and/or fun could that be? How weird would it be starting again with d boy? How will I keep doing repair work with the girls as they go through the grief process at different ages?

So many questions and continually not many answers. But there is the peace that surpasses my own understanding and there is Joy in the pain of it all. I can only marvel at the last two years in how we have survived and lived and loved.

Other books I’m enjoying are Annabel Langbeins ‘eat fresh, and ‘Etcetera etc’ by Sibella Court (beautiful, home-stuff design book).

Life is certainly not always happy-happy, clappy-clappy but in life there is always a choice. To live and to tend the garden of my heart. Another good challenge for tweeeeny ten.

tweny-10

Hello twenty-ten. I really like your name for this year. It’s short and snappy. It’s rather cool.

I’m thinking it’s important to look back a little on last year, not to get depressed (“you’re soooo last year!”) but to take the good stuff into tweny-ten. I’d also like to look forward to this year, maybe a goal or two. I haven’t done that kind of thing for awhile – Main goal has been SURVIVAL.

09 saw me get better at saying NO to offers or jobs that I didn’t need. That was good.

09 saw me eat something special just about every night after dinner whilst watching yet another borrowed movie. I’d like to see less of that and more reading maybe. Definitely.

09 was a year where I made some great connections with all sorts of people. To take that to another level where I invite them home for a meal or support them in some way, to invest in their lives and to perhaps be a little or a lot more of Jesus to them, is always something I wanna do.

Coffee was a stable and daily thing. A sure stayer.

Creativity was allowed to flow more in the fullness of my life – in problems, in home deco and baking. I love you creativity. I love seeing you in others and I love you being more at home with me.

I’d like to read more this year. I have some amazing books. I have some lovely spots around my house to lounge about in reading those books. You can do it Sarah!

2009 was another opportunity, to show my girls that we could live life despite the sad normality of our smaller family situation. I’m hoping that we will be able to find and see more of God in the vulnerability of our situation. L, the just about 6 year old, is expressing herself incredibly well at present. She talks of ‘finding it so hard with the life-change we are having’. “Mum”, she whispers at midnight recently, “is the life-change hard for you too? Does it make you sad mum?”

“It is just so sad. I sometimes don’t even know why I cry mum”.

I’m hoping, as the ‘captain’ of this crazy ship we are riding on, that I will have the wisdom to navigate our way round, allowing the waves of tears and emotions to flow without reserve and judgement.

K, the delightful 7 year old, wants peace and love for each parent. She wants to please each one and not cause any tidal waves. K is in a different place. A place where it seems very normal and acceptable. She writes beautiful notes and says caring things to each of us, so that we are OK. She even asks me about how d is my boyfriend?! I’m not sure if she thinks that is how a normal boyfriend behaves. I’m not sure if this is her way of responding. Whatever the case, I’m hopeful I will hear God’s wisdom and have His strength to navigate the ship for her too.

Together, the three amigos that we are, love people. We love being invited.
We love being involved and being around folk. Christmas time was different for sure, not having the girls here. But it was so full of relatives (esp my amazing bro) and lovely friends that I hadn’t seen for yonks, that it became less painful and more joyful.

Having the girls arrive home a few days after Christmas, was joy.

Love you my precious girls. Thanks to my beloved friends. You are needed and appreciated.

(I’ll be back soon, we’re off again for a few days at Grandmas. There is of course way more to say about what one must leave behind and what one must gather up for the new year.)

You came twice

Yip, my birthday came twice.
Perhaps a little bit of selfishness on my part, but i got to paaarty twice!
Such pleasant and fun times with a few of the amazing friends i have. One time i will have a great big party where loads can come - maybe in 4 years when the big 40 strikes!
One party in my home-town with new and precious friends.
One in old home-town with old and dear friends.
Both had great food and beverage. both had laughs, photos, and chattering.

It's great to get dressed up, even though my first outfit was a nightmare. i could not control where the 'off-the-shoulder' sleeve wanted to fall and all night i was annoyed and hacked off with it. Mental note to self: don't wear that again in a hurry!
The first was at a fav cafe in old-town.

The second was at friends.

Curry was cooked, dessert was baked and all i made was this lucious drink (freeze blueberries with cranberry juice in ice cube trays and when ready to serve, add lemonade!). It was popular but not as favoured as the incredible curry eaten around the table together, or the fabulous puds made by my lovely Hannah!

I always say it's good to celebrate, even when your birthday is close to Chrissy-mas. And it is. Make sure you do, whatever the ocassion. It is perfect for being with people you love.

Good times

Dear Sarah (what a cool name)

Loved catching up the other night on the phone! I wanted to write and share a few of the cooler moments from the Lonsdale family holiday. Going away before Christmas is wonderful but provides a false sense of ‘calmness’ before the sometimes ‘storm’ of Chrissy. When I went grocery shopping yesterday after arriving home, I had to remind myself to relax, as I navigated my trolley around the place. Great to be home. Amazing to have been with my family.

Somehow each day on holiday, I managed to stay asleep in my bed, while my mother and Matty looked after the girls. I think it was mostly mum (secretly getting the girls to make birthday cards for me) but Matt had a share in that.

Horse riding (Yes, even me!), rock climbing, water sliding, archery and the flying fox were highlights for us all.

Times where we just sat together while the kids played lego or cards or dolls. Beautiful. Often hilarious.

Getting the family Christmas ready with the kids and then having it. Uncle Jeremy giving us presents that were our own already! Sneaky guy stealing our stuff to wrap up. Very funny.

Loads and loads of good food and of course a lot of coffee.

A moment of reflection and thanks to my family for their support over the past few years of crazy-ness. Some tears, of course.

And Sezzy – loads of playing cards and even me teaching our family and friends (30 at one stage) to play Danish rounders! Whoop whoop! Missed you my beautiful friend. It won’t be long till we see you again – someone recently asked if I was heading to the UK next year! How funny. Do you think they will pay?

Thanks for your generosity towards me. I anticipated this being crazy-hard with the girls going. But it’s been good. It’s been softer and it’s been more comfy having the familiar around in the unfamiliar time. Matt and I have snuck coffee’s when we could, I’ve taken him to my fav café, we’ve even watched a bit of ‘The Wire’ (how many bad words are in that? poor Grandma!).

“Presence is a delicious word because it points to one of our truly great gifts. Nothing else can take the place of presence, not gifts, not telephone calls, not pictures, not mementos, nothing. As the person who has lost a lifelong mate what they miss the most; the answer is invariably “presence”. When all are ill, we don’t need soothing words nearly as much as we need loved ones to be present. What makes shared life – games, walks concerts, outings and a myriad of other things – so pleasurable? Presence”.

Love you Sarah. You are one beautiful wahine. Talk soon, love me.

see you next week

We are off on our trip tomorrow, so no blogging from me for over a week and then it will be birthday photos, family photos and all the family fun we've been having.

I will miss you blog, you are so good for me and my wee heart.

See you soon, love me xx

go away dragon lady

Wow i've done 109 posts, that seems impressive as i would have given up writing a diary way before 109 posts. Well done me.

I'm not worried at all about the christmas rush (although i am hating some of the traffic) as i've enjoyed making wee cute things to give people and the rush (that comes from giving) of doing that outweighs the work of it, i'm thinking.

But somewhere along the way, i seem to be a psycho mum, waaaaay too much.

I'm trying to focus on the 'calm' response. It's harder as my natural tendency is not that, at present. I think about being a fun mum as i'm having a melt down and that just annoys me. "Oh God (i speak to him) please help my kids still like me".

they leave in just over a week for ausi with their dad. i think i'm dreading it still and seem to be behaving badly because of that stress. ahhh it doesn't make sense. And i really don't want them to not like their mum. And then that stresses me.

And then a bird pooped on my head - yip it's true. I've had a week where my head has been the focus in my life - nits, my random crazy thoughts and now a poop. It was rather funny actually. all you can do is laugh. no photo sorry.

we head away on monday and that will be fab to be with my wonderful family. First time all together since the 'Sarah's marriage meltdown fiasco'. Ye ha. In amongst the fun of that, i hope i get moments of bliss with my girls. I want them to remember the nice lady who adores them so much.

I've talked to them simply about us being 'apart' at christmas. it goes kind of like this:

"remember two things while you are away: Remember the Lord and that he loves you no matter which country you are in. And remember your mum who loves you ......"

Simple, heartwrenching, the truth.

Far better than psycho dragon lady.

long lost sarah writes in

These things have been happening in the house of us:

girls and I had an afternoon with some friends making felt Christmas stockings. Crazy times with 7 kids sewing blanket stitch. The 5 year old boy was awesome at it. Liv was rather bored.

Been feeling a bit low in the evenings these last few weeks but had some people round for cook book club on thurs and realized I was isolating myself a bit at night and was glad of the hosting opportunity and the company.

Made these fritters: 1 C self-raising flour, 1 C milk and 1 egg plus grated courgette and carrot (you could add anything). A great mixture – cook them just like pikelets! The girls ate them which was cool (and of course they were threatened that I would eat their slice of bacon if they didn’t devour one vege fritter!).

I am frequently having to wear those granny undie thingies which apparently hold in all your extra buldge so your jeans fit proper. Yeah, nice but can hardly breathe at end of day and need to rip those babies right off! Lower riding jeans are all good apart from that muffin at the top!

Nits. Oh my goodness. I can hardly talk about them but I have seen many a nit over this weekend. My hair is now a darker chocolate brown colour and I’m just about to straighten the lot as to try and kill off any of the little blighters that might be hanging on. Poor wee one has had them in her thick hair so we’re trying the routine of creaming and combinb each night along with straightening. She looks delicious with straight hair. Emmm what fun. Not.

Making fudge (Nigella style – 400g chocolate, 1 tin condensed milk and 2 T butter melted in a pot. Add pistachios or whatever you like – I add apricots to the chocolate one and craisins to the white chocolate. Set in a tray but with baking paper as that makes it really really easy to cut and get out). Hoping to give it to neighbours and friends for Christmas in these tins (recycle tins, remove label, paint white and glue christmasy ribbon on.

Easy, cheap, love it!).

What a winner – I won a spot prize (a fairy down pillow) at our church volunteer dinner last night. Then I won the ‘peoples choice’, ‘volunteer of the year’. Cool nice surprise. Girls are very proud.

We’re reading this book at the moment, the story of our heritage in God. It’s a really cool kids thing, to remind them of their history in the story of God and his love for us. Hoping it will become a regular each year!

Our Garden is growing, we can officially eat our own grown lettuces! Everyone is very excited. First time ever for me.

People going to talk to D today re him leaving us. Good people. People from our body of churches. Wondering what they said, wish i could truly be a fly or better yet a pretty ornament in the room, listening, observing.

As was feeling low this week, i roused myself to do some more prayers and reading of God's word. That was a good remedy. Psalm 121 (even quoted in the Sound of music) - I lift my eyes up, to the mountains, where does my help come from? It comes from the maker of heaven and earth who does not slumber or sleep over you......

Volunteering at my church has been so great. Doing something for others make you think less of your own turmoil and bless others. Such a good move on the chessboard of our lives. To give.

Hope your weekends have been good - maybe some sunshine, a magic show (yip got to go to one of those which was AMAZING!), some Christmas cheer or maybe just relaxing!

Immanuel

If I had a word of the year, I think it would be Immanuel. It means God with us. And I love it. I have sat at the piano and made simple songs up with it in, reminding me of God with me and God with us. Remembering Immanuel, remembering that He is with us is a key to this year. Today I realized we live a normal-ish life until the second weekend of every fortnight. Today d turned up to get the girls. Mostly in the weeks leading up, I forget about him or I try to remove him from my current thoughts and mostly that works. But it’s like a gun shot or a loud explosion or a pain in my side, on these Saturday pick-up-days. I slump a little, feel sad for quite awhile and mostly have a good old cry. Today I went straight to the piano after crying tears on the already wet washing. I cried as I sung about my Immanual. I realized too, that I had not even consciously made a choice to come and worship in the midst of the explosion of pain that re-entered. I had just gone to the piano.

In the midst of ruggardness, there is this voice calling gently to my heart. “Come, come, come. Let go”. Don’t get me wrong – I am not perfect. For the first few minutes after he drives away with the girls I am pretty agro and swear a bit and tell God my honest hateful feelings. I don’t rant but I do say the same comments over and over with a bucket or two of tears. And then I recognize the voice calling. And I go.

The girls just rang, which was so cool. They wanted to connect and I thought they wouldn’t as I’d been a bit grumpy towards them today. L told me in a very quiet voice that she loved me more than daddy as he sometimes says some quite mean things to her (her words). I felt a little worried for her but offered some prayers and encouragement. K cheerfully talked of the great day she was having and at the end asked me to listen as she blew me kisses. Nice girls.

A friend text and spoke with me offering a night of fun at her place with girlie things. I felt to stay home but was really touched by the grace she offered – no matter what was going on for me, she wanted to know I had options and that I was not forgotten. She reminded me that she loved me no matter what I chose to do tonight. Currently I’m in bed, ready to watch a dvd and have an early night but how beautiful is a friend who has walked in your shoes and offers grace. Thank u.

the night before thanksgiving

not a creature was stirring!

actually i had one extra child sleeping in my bed and one extra child on the floor, all so the mothers could head out for dinner!

Grandma was babysitting my two and my friends two.

There were four of us for dinner. A lovely restaurant.

Lemon chicken pasta salad looked delicious but i ordered the lamb chop which had to be cooked again as it was running around on my plate - ahhhhh, why on earth did i order the lamb chop? Did really need to go back to my childhood cravings?

Everyone was a bit sheepish about sharing their 'thanksgiving note' (a small idea i'd had for a few years) but we somehow got brave and did it. Funny being worried about it as it was a beautiful moment in the evening. It was simple, grateful and straight to the point. One wrote a poem, another included a bible verse, one wrote of being thankful for her red kenwood mixer and her singleness (loved those fun thoughts) and i wrote this:

I am thankful for the ride (i thought it was hannah montana but she sings being 'thankful for the climb' That's what i meant!). I'm thankful that along the journey of my life there are stops along the way, like refreshments in the form of laugh,s beautiful friends, moments where He speaks through creation, humour, movies, even tears and especially prayers.

I'm thankful that in my brokeness he adores me (Chris Tomlins - "he sees the depths of my heart and loves me the same").

It was the coolest wee thing in the middle of a meal. We felt so silly at first but it was lovely sharing those thoughts of gratefulness.

thank you America for having thanksgiving day. We stole the idea and will do it again next year i hope!

Gutted i forgot the camera.

lovely starts to days

The girls blessed their ma this morning by secretly (as secretly as a 5 and 7 year old can - bang, crash, susshh) getting their bags ready, breakfast made and themselves correctly dressed for the day, without one mention from me!

They were so excited to surprise me. it was very cool.

The older one is quite fascinated with boys at the moment, the talk of kissing or seeing it on a movie, suggesting that her sister has a boyfriend and all sorts of things like that. We talked about how it is a normal thing to be friends with a boy and that she needed to work on making it normal and not a big and silly thing!

The younger one is quite a natural at being friends with boys. She has one who wants to marry her (she isn't aware of this) and one that told her he loved her out of everyone, as they played in the sandpit together. Funny, it is rather cute and provides a great platform for some motherly input.

Here is Christmas, yes a little early but here it is.

The lounge is already on the teeny side so add a Christmas tree and some tinsel, we're all full at the inn! Girls are going to d's this weekend so thought we would get the christmas feel for as long as we can before we have to take them down. I am constantly on alert for what is coming up and how i'll cope or manage (or control-freak it!).

I'm not blasting the girls with presents just because i want to feel like the 'better' parent. I've been careful and thoughtful not to spend heaps and also to get appropriate sized and numbers. I've chosen to do their presents when they get home from christmas with d, so they can appreciate them then, rather than forget them. I could have waited till the boxing day sales!

I read a sign this morning on a blackboard - "Buggar, only two pays left till christmas". It's true - i love Christmas and i'm wondering how this first one of this kind, will be. No kids. Will the fun of christmas be present without kids to wake up and harrass about presents? Will i want to just sleep in? Will i cry? ah yeah for sure. Will I be OK? i think yes. i only think yes because i've realised that the weeks prior to a potential emotional storm of sorts, i'm anxious and carrying it close to me heart. And then the time comes and it's usually better than i expect.

That's good aye.

Anyway, not sure why i wrote what i wrote today but in all things there is good and lessons and stuff. I'm getting older and hopefully slightly wiser.

This is a chicken pie i made today, slapped it together and shoved a lid on top - doesn't it look like it! last night i tried a potato bake thing from the latest dish mag. I did it my own kind of way, it took about 7 hours to cook and it was pretty bad. I'm hoping for a better cooking day soon! oh a few friends and i are going out for thanksgiving this week. We are going to a restaurant but with a small note of thanks from each person. We will share these round and read them out, anonymous. It's an idea i've had for awhileland perhaps should have some pumpkin pie but for now it's a great excuse to go out and not have to cook and to be THANKful.

I am thankful to you God. I am thankful for my wonderful friends and family. God bless.