Dear Aunty Sez

This is a funny one Sez .......

I had to tell you about it ...... it bought tears to some eyes!

You are regarded so highly in our whare, smiles fill the hut when we talk of you or stare with our google eyes at photos of you, reliving fantastic memories or telling stories of YOU!!

Grandma is here and loves spinning stories with the girls. They often want her to tell a story of some memory of the family ...... yesterdays was no different.

"Grandma, who named me?" said this little dear heart.

I was on the phone, so when i finished there, I had to take over and explained ........

"Your dad and I had thought of a boys name but not a girls name, so we left it for a few days!!! And your Aunty Sarah rang from London to hurry us up and she encouraged us to call you Olivia Kate, because she loved those names. So your Aunty Sarah named you reallly!"

I did not expect this next response. Tears. Little tears pouring down Livvy Lou's cheeks. Tears of joy. Olivia from Bolivia hid her face in the pillow with shy-ness. She didn't have any other explanation other than she felt special, that you, precious Sarah Anne, had helped name her.

Olivia wanted me to tell you this story Aunty Sez. She was not embarrassed that she cried, or worried, just another confirmation of who she is and that she is important and valuable to me and to YOU!

Thanks Aunty S. You are precious indeed.

Oh hey, check out my latest du - felt a little like you whilst getting my head done today. I let my friend Lee cut my hair how she felt best, i have an undercut (like a girls one), long sidies and a straight fringe again (hard to take a photo of myself sorry). Fun, just like you sez. You inspire me, even with your head! Hope you got on the bus today and turned on your cool phone, and found this nice wee story to start your day (actually its prob lunch by now! time for bed for me!). Always loving u.

He watches

He does.

He watches over our comings and goings. That's all good and worth dwelling on. Simple - He, the God of the Universe, watches over us, over our lives.

The girls were in a dance concert on the weekend. Their first one. It was so cute and so worth the effort and practice, money and make-up.

What I loved was this: They loved it. They shone and sparkled with confidence.

I also loved that it was a short snippets from all the dance classes. Not a long and drawn out concert.

Later that day, i got to put some effort in, some make-up on and turn into a cow-girl who had 13 kids. A murder mystery night.

So much fun, I wasn't the killer but had fun finding out who was, over dinner, drink and pretending for a few hours, that i wasn't who i was.

storming in a tea cup

Today I have not liked you.

Today was like a bad dream, a storm in a tea-cup.

Today, you were going so well, you were so on time, time for a cup of tea from the pot and maybe even a hot crumpet (rather than the normal cold one made and then forgotten till time has nearly run out).

But alas, today got grumpier and meaner. It turned into a midwinter storm that wouldn't stop, enabling other little storms to rear their head. Eventually innocent weather turned to stormy thunderstruck turmoil where not a single pair of shoes could be found for the 7 year old to wear. Admittedly she chose not to find these foot-covers but she had good reason after the battering storm had hit her, again and again with verbal turbulence.

Today was not started well. By 8:30 - AM, all three sailors in the ship of our house were crying their eyes out, weeping rainclouds upon the hardened hearts of wrong words spoken in stormy-stinky-pooh moments.

Today the master of the ship was a wreck-age. She was lost and broken and fearful for the harm she had caused to her sailors. No matter how she adores them, she felt incredible failure and heartbreak. The captain of the ship needed to walk the plank.

Fortunately she didn't, she turned the ship around by suggesting (never done this before by the way!), a total change of direction - a hashbrown or a hot chocolate at mcdonalds, before school. As captain 'sadness' headed the black ship to the yellow arches, the small sailors were beside themselves. how could a ship suddenly change direction like this? She told them again of how sorry she was for being a useless captain and how she hoped they could forgive her as she again tried to be a better leader.

She kissed them in goodbye in true captain style, lipstick on their cheeks, as they soldiered onto school with their 'good morning' reminder of forgiveness, repentance and choices. A good captain isn't one just by buying something from the yellow-arched-fix-it-shop but a good captain shows that not everything has to be bad.

To be honest, the captain's day didn't have any less tears in the tea-cup but as the captain cried her way through the day, she was aware she was surrounded by dear friends, by prayerful hearts and by truth.

I have felt quite low (sorry to be repetitive) , esp in my parenting which is my patience and grace for the girls. I am embarassed by myself, if the walls could speak. I am praying for grace and wisdom. I am finding it hard to do this alone. Today and for the last few weeks, it's been hard.

The truth is i don't want to parent the way that I am. I do some ok things for sure but i'm not doing so well in parenting alone, just at the moment.

To even talk about it with others, is hard. To admit disappointment in myself as a capable parent, is difficult for me.

I'm needing a bit of captainry myself.

I miss my brothers being around, the strong male influences in my life, the wisdom and guidance from a mans eyes, that i would look too now as the next best thing to the long-lost husband at sea. I hope to call you real soon little and big brother.

Over and out, not from the drunken sailor, but from the one who does her best to see the rainbow coming after the rain.

I am stupidly reading 3 books at the moment - 'eat pray love' by Elizabeth Gilbert, 'A long obedience in the same direction' by Eugene Peterson and a funny wee one by Father pat Connor, 'Whom not to marry'.

Silly me, silly me. Reading three at the same time. it simply means none of them get finished very quickly at all. I have an assignment due on the middle one, in two weeks so that should find it's way to the top of the list, i'm hoping.

I went to hear Peta Mathias (NZ chef, tv presenter, very funny lady) at our local convention centre, tickets were $5. Legendary. She is taking gastronomic tours in Italy, France and Morroco. We talked after where we would like to go and we probably should have all said Marrakesh in Morrocco because that sounds like the most adventurous (pigeon pie, mud houses, extreme heat) but i agreed I'd like to visit Italy given half the chance.

Some italian phrases i've found in the above reading ........

un' amica stretta means "a close friend" But stretta literally means tight, as in clothing, like a tight skirt. So a close friend, in Italian, is one you can wear tightly, snug against your skin.

bel far niente means "the beauty of doing nothing".

l'arte d'arrangiarsi - the art of making something out of nothing. The art of turning a few simple ingredients into a feast, or a few gathered friends into a festival. Anyone with a talent for happiness can do this, not only the rich.

Just a few wee quotes that i'm liking. No speakie italian here but i'd give it a go even as art on my wall!

The girls got their hair cut this week (not shown in photo) and both asked for fringes, they look so cute and trendy. I'm liking it. K takes a few more minutes in the morning getting used to her fringe, putting it in the right place. L simply doesn't like it and wants her normal head back. I think she looks nice so we'll work on the arrangement of her head for helping her feel better about it.

Today L has a party which she is very excited about and K and I may visit a family from her school, who have just lost a son. We will take cake and we will hopefully sit with them and experience some of their loss. This will be good for K i'm sure. We have prayed for this family, such a huge grief, making our small annoyances in life seem insignificantly minute.

I love the jewish practice of sitting 'shiver' (i think that is the spelling). The practice is just to go and sit with the family who have suffered, sometimes for days and days. It's a practice that is in place to remind them (and us) that Jesus sits with us in our own grief. Beautiful.

This post had no real point to it really, it's a mixture of my ramblings or current thoughts, nothing too revelationary but that is where it's at for us this week. Hoping for you, wherever you are at, that you are able to relax and do nothing, even if it is just to experience Him a wee bit more.

I have felt a little like Bridget Jones in her second film where she is convicted of carrying drugs and ends up in a Thai prison (thinking there is not much chance of that at present!). She says “I’m feeling a little low”. Me too.

I don’t write this because I’m feeling sorry for myself but for the simple truth that it is.

I can put it down to a few things but the feeling of being empty inside is prob how I’d describe it. A little bit like I’m there but I’m not. Running a little low on petrol (which is true for my car at the mo, too!). I’ve found it a long week or two, being a mum on her own. I’ve found the ‘sweet-hearts’ have been arguing non-stop and that has done me in a bit. A lot I guess.

So I’m trying to keep it simple, be positive and all that guff. I’m trying to remember that this is part and parcel of humanity, and that part of my faith-journey is climbing a few mountains that I don’t feel like. Parts of it are lonely and parts are overwhelming. But that is reality in a life lived in this world.

I do like Bridget Jones, she’s quite funny, she’s very human, she fails quite often but also gets back up and tries again. I could write all the things I’m thankful for but not today. I def am thankful and can see some really great things around me. I read a beautiful part of a book today (quote below) which was encouraging which leads me to say I’m down but not out. I’m mostly writing just to get it out of my silly little head, onto my cute little blog. Amen.

Hoping does not mean doing nothing. It is not fatalistic resignation. It means going about our assigned tasks, confident that God will provide the meaning and the conclusions. It is not compelled to work away at keeping up appearances with a bogus spirituality. It is the opposite of desperate and panicky manipulations, of scurrying and worrying.

It is a willingness to let God do it his way and in his time. Eugene Peterson, Long obedience in the same direction.

Not sure about the new layout of the page, a bit much lace, but i seemed to have some weird things coming up on my page so needed to do something!

Long time no write .......

Had a fabulous week a few weeks ago. But in between that week and now i do remember some other funny things, like how L (the 6 year old) jumped up and down, naked, showing me how she had big hooters. She didn't call them that please note. I laughed. Today she told me mine were the biggest in the world and i laughed again knowing that not to be true! That same child told me about how to kiss. She made me be the boy (this was a marriage kiss please note) and i had to have my head on a certain angle going in. She kept her head straight and provided a lovely kiss. Apparantly those kisses only happen once, thank you movies!!

Over the last few weeks i've had the joy of seeing some wonderful friends, all whose names start with A. Thanks Ange and Andrew for the wonderful weekend when you came to stay, joy joy i say!

Thanks Abs for the blissful time of fun in Auckland, it was fun because i was with you! Lovely lovely to see Alex, my cousy, with her new babe. Delightful lamb-like chuckles came from the wee babe Cael as he tried to sleep.

So the week that was so great was a week that stretched me in my faith. I have enjoyed a closer encounter with my God over the last few years, just being more at home with chatting away to Him and realising His ever-present nearness in times of quiet and pain. It's been good. I was challenged recently in how else i acted out my faith. So my weekly-praying friend prayed about it on Monday and then Tues it all started.

I got asked to speak at church. It took me about 12 hours to say yes, which meant i had only 3 days left to prep. ahhhhhh, what an opportunity. one i hadn't been invited into for a few years. Then i recall praying as i walked down the drive at school, heading to teach a few kids about God in Religious Ed time, about teaching and how i hadn't committed to getting back into it (just one of those other thoughts floating around this head of mine!). No sooner had i started teaching, than i got asked by the normal classroom teacher to fill in, she was sick, suddenly!

My friend answered for me - "Yes she'll do it" as i was a bit stunned, and also thinking about how this particular day was the one day i'd wanted and had devoted to getting prepped for Sunday speaking at church. My incredibly insightful, faith-filled friend just told me to trust God. So i taught. I was chucked in the deep end, no plan really, but a wonderful confirming day.

And the story finishes with a fabulous experience for me where i wanted to trust God more and i had plenty of opportunity to do that. Teaching, preaching. Sunday went so well, felt like i was at home sharing about God with loads of people, got encouraged and had fun (bonus).

My friend Ros reminded at the beginning of the week about blind Bartimaeus and how Jesus asked him what he wanted. He simply said he wanted to see. That week I asked Jesus simply to help me do a good job with sharing. to be confident and for it not to be hard to prepare (esp considering the short time frame). He cares so much about me. He cares so much about You.

I guess I write this to remind me later on when i may forget, that He is into me. That He has made me the way I am. That he uses me to help others, even through my own pain or situation.

He is good.

those thinking thoughts

I have seriously been pondering how useless i am at relaxing.

I will sit down, read with a cuppa, if and only if: the dishes are away, the mess in the lounge has disappeared, dinner is on the boil, the fire is ready to go, the girls beds are made, my room is a blessing to be in and the list goes on ........

Therefore i rarely relax.

I know others, perhaps many who are like this. Some are OK with it too which is quite refreshing.

Did i not get the DNA to rest or relax? Did my parentals not model it? Am i just a Martha and not a Mary and forever will be?

One could get very bogged by these questions so i have come to a few conclusions in a few short days.

I have to try to relax, esp in my own home.

I relax mostly when i'm away from my home, no distractions of jobs. I can fully engage and be myself when i'm away from our house where the tidy-freakish me is yelling for order!

Whether it's at a friends or at a cafe, I am relaxed. No striving, no jobs to do, it's amazing.

I feel that I don't need to feel bad about myself, now that i've worked out one of my personality disorders.

It does concern me that i'll never have people around if i feel more relaxed and comfy at someones elses home or a cafe. So I do hope for a bigger home and that life will work out so that I can have more people round, rather than feeling stressed about squashing a small nation into our pokey dear cottage. One day....... one day always comes.

This is probably funny to read about, but it's been quite restorative finding this out about myself. I heard someone comment on how our culture eats out a lot and doesn't host people in their homes. I am that first person, preferring to have a coffee or a treat out somewhere. Yet I am a homebaker, sweet-treat maker. And I love being able to offer that. But somewhere in the midst of that, my house-size and my ocd make it easier to be at others places or eateries (not mcdonalds by the way!).

So it's kind of a tension - being aware that it is good to have peeps over here. It's also good for my relaxation, to be somewhere else other than our teeny-tiny home. Funny.

I made pumpkin soup. Most of my pals will know i hate pumpkin, it's texture makes me wanna ........ So it's a miracle i made it, roasted the pumpkin (half a pump) with garlic and salt), sauted some onion, garlic and ginger, added the pumpk and chicken stock and simmered for 20 minutes. I looked at it with horror, what was I doing? After pulsing it, i reheated it with a can of coconut cream (lite i think) and it ended up being the most beautiful surprise i'd tasted in awhile. I laugh at myself. i felt so proud i'd made something out of something i hate. It was delicious. I shared it with some friends and thought quietly, i could make this for guests coming to my home. A wee dash of soup and crusty loaf, company and good times is something we all need. In a teen-tiny cottage or a big home, it's being together that creates great memories.

(Sarah Lonsy i know you'll be proud of me. I thought of you when making this goodness. Love to you my dear one..... not long till your birthday! love u and your heart for pumpkins and me)

Oh to finish, i've read part of a book where a lady writes about how we are in the habit of buying trim soy milk to go with our fat free breaky cereal, all to eat in a quick few minutes. She continues to write about how she likes to have long breakfasts (i assume on the weekend) that last for a few hours, with bacon and waffles, doing whatever she pleases, relaxing as she goes. Bliss. This is what got me thinking about my own relaxing. Could i do what she was writing about? I was going to try it today, girls were heading away with their d. Plans changed and they haven't gone so i'm having to put the breakfast thing off for a few weeks. Cool to have a plan in my head re breakfast one day.

Some joys of lately ....

Pinwheels are indeed the blessed scone. If you ever get a chance to try a cinnamon danish from a bakery in New Zealand called 'bread works', heated for a few moments, then you will have found a deep joy that could quickly become an addiction (not speaking from experience?!).

I decided to give them a go, knowing they would be nothing like the buttery croisant texture of the breadworks ones, but hoping for some home-made delight. We really loved these, smothered in butter, but as i was eating one i had this extra thought - how about some glaze to go on top? The girls mouths were drueling. The glaze made them perfect. Dough, rolled out, cinnamon and brown sugar sprinkled, rolled up and cut, baked and then iced. Oh my goodness, easy-peasy yummy scrummy. Too many and they get called sinwheels. Even one from breadworks gets immediately called that.

I notice that i am constantly encouraged by others and that they have this amazing way of locking me into their stories and helping me see God in whatever they are going through. Amy, Claire and Pip, you lead me on a merry journey when we talk, drink coffee (or wine), eat, laugh or have melting faces. Adoration is what i feel when i'm with you special women.


This was a pretty special moment indeed. I had arrived back home at 1am after the sydney trip, and then woke at 7ish to see my babies and then get ready for a breakfast with two dear ones. We literally had a brief window to catch each other. Fi was flying out with Chey only hours after i had flown in. We hadn't seen each other for over two years.

Fiona has been my friend since she was very young (like 11 ish i think!) when she started coming to our youth group (with her bro and sis - i ended up marrying her bro) and we've been dear heart friends since then. It did my heart well, to be with you Fi. You are a wonderful and precious woman. I'm so glad we got to see one another again. Can't wait till the next time.

Joy comes in different ways - but to me it is often when i'm with people, listening to them, hearing their hearts or simply laughing with them. K said to me the other day, after the 7th time she'd got out of bed, that when i was finished with them, she'd like my boots. K normally never gets out of bed as she falls to sleep pretty quick. But this night i ended up sneaking in again and again just to have wee chats. There was something special about connecting with her on this level. L was happily sleeping in the bed next to K but as we whispered about fashion and fun, we connected. She also wanted my earrings and my necklaces. K loves my stuff, it was so cute. She thought her mum was cool. Hoping that will last when she is a teenager! Next day she dressed up for school, put this cool-as hat on and looked fab. Joy, you've got to watch out for it or you might miss it.

the girli weekend away

Hannah and I planned a trip to Sydney to do a few things - go to the Lindt cafe, perhaps a little or a lot of shopping and of course to see Donna Hay's general store.

So the time came and off we went for 4 glorious days in the summery winter weather of Sydney

We stayed with relatives who live on the harbour and along with the incredible view, we did everything we had wanted. We even got to drink cafe from a sweet wee deli just up the road. The coffee wasn't too bad at all in Sydney, only if bought from an independent cafe (eg not starbucks).

One of the best things, was meeting, talking and having photos with none other than .......

Donna Hay herself. I was beside myself with excitement (sadly the friendly photographer got a tree shadow in her face - ah der!). My friend Pip introduced me to her magazines years ago and i've been loving her bi-monthly magazines and cook books since then. She is a doll. So are you Pip!

It was a fabulous trip, the Lindt cafe topped it off too. We had a blast.

leaving on a jet plane ....

I have a thousand thoughts to get down on the blog - some really nice updates from times with friends, pinwheel scones and other such fancy stuff.

BUT i'm off to Sydney tomorrow with a girli friend for a girli weekend. yes, rather exciting. he he.

Still i do carry in my heart (not to get all nerdy on myself) an awareness that even in a time of selfish fun (shopping, coffee, delicious treats, new place to explore), I can see that God can work in me and through me and i'm actually excited about what may come over the next four days.

I will be back with pictures of homemade pinwheels. or should i call them sinwheels and fun or interesting stories to keep telling.

Love love, hope whatever you are doing, you can see Him in it.

PS Amy Pip and Claire, loved being with you last fri, it was delightful. as you are.

A rainy day but have no fear!

What to do with our day off?

Yes let's dress up and pop over to a party to celebrate the Queen and her birthday.

Let's play games and dance

And definately lets eat

Let's hang with our friends

Thanks Han Han for the amazing fun. You are pure deliciousness.

hello june

The following are some things that have happened recently in our lives. They are all individual things in their own right, mostly not related at all. But isn’t it funny how some things can relate and make you think and have ‘aha’ moments.

This citrus slice is more than an aha moment, its pure joy. Give it a try, easy peasy and ridiculously yummy. No oven needed even. (ta Bec)

Base

2x packets of super wine (or vanilla wine or krispie) biscuits

250 grams butter

1 can condensed milk

1 cup coconut

Grated rind of two lemons

Icing

Icing sugar

Butter

Juice of the 2 lemons

Crush the biscuits in blender and put in a bowl. Mix through the coconut and the rind of the two lemons. Put condensed milk and butter in a pot and heat on medium on the stove until butter has melted through. Pour butter and condensed milk mixture into the bowl with the biscuits etc. and mix through. Pour mixted into a slice pan and flatten mout then put in fridge (I usually line the pan with glad wrap as its then really easy to pull the whole thing out).

For the icing its just your usual icing with the juice of the two lemons squeezed in.

Once the base has cooled down spread icing on top and then sprinkle with coconut.

K had a homework assignment on writing about something she treasured. She was thinking and thinking (without much help from her ma) and came up with this:

MY TREASURE

^{My treasure was given to me one night. Other things were given as well like gloves, pants and my treasure. I bet you did not know that my treasure is a book! In fact these types of books are the number one best selling books! I will give you a clue (if you want to guess.) It has a cover with stars on it, gliter pages and a book mark. Ok I think you have guessed it by now it is my bible! My bible is very special to me because it has god’s word in it and it helps me learn more and more about god and under stand more about him.}

This is the words to my favourite verse in part of the Bible called luke Jesus said:

LOVE YOUR ENEMIES.

DO GOOD TO THOSE WHO HATE YOU.

BLESS THOSE WHO CURSE YOU.

PRAY FOR THOSE WHO ILL TREAT YOU.

She’s 7. I was pretty proud of that. She has to do a speech and show her treasure. I had realised the girls only had baby bibles to read from so searched and found a beautiful, small good-news version (going back to my own childhood), with a denim cover with stars all over it!

My brother Matt has encouraged, urged, reminded me (all year) to ring my landlord until she delivered on the ‘warmth’ in our house. She had promised insulation, a fire (or heat pump) and a heat transfer system. It’s June in NZ and it’s beautifully sunny at the mo, but def on the chilly side. Anyway after another reminder from my bro, I called again. This Monday I was rung saying some people would be round to get quotes. Man oh man, I thought that never would happen! Persistence pays off. They are putting a fireplace in (the open one that is in the lounge is very unhelpful with pumping much heat out) and a heat transfer system. There is a story in the bible about the widow knocking on the landlords door, knowing that even if he doesn’t want to answer, he will as she keeps knocking. He eventually does and she gets what she needs. I’m reminded to keep persisting in prayer (as I worry about things) and to do that with my landlord! Fantastic thing just happened that interrupted my writing, a family from church are bringing some wood round for us – fantastic indeed! Each time I’ve gone to the shed to get wood, I cringe and worry with the amount that is left. Winter has only started and with an open fire you use fuel up pretty quick. As I’ve loaded wood up, cringing, I’ve heard this voice reminding me to Trust. Trust me, the voice whispers. I’ve turned the cringe into a prayer thanking Him each time I’ve headed out there! It’s been a good process to go through.

I made these sweet dresses (bunting style really), for an idea i have for the girls room. They look so darn cute.

I talked with d the other day about loss. Somehow we got onto that and I had commented saying that I thought he had what he wanted – freedom and the chance to start again! He replied with comments about how much he felt he had lost. He wasn’t boastful or rude. He was sincere. I thought I wouldn’t see that side of him for many years but we engaged for a good amount of time, even with some jokes. The thing he felt he had lost, what he mentioned first, was the church family I had gained in the new town. He also looked at my photo board (reminder of the fab friends and family I have) and said that most of those people weren’t in his life anymore. He has suffered loss. A small glimpse into his private world. I almost felt like I’d gone back to where I was the older and wiser one counselling him (that was eyons ago, when we were teenagers!). Totally weird as well: I was talking to him like I would a stranger, listening to their story and asking some questions to probe deeper. I have noticed there really aren’t many rules when you go through this kind of thing, but there sure is loss. He has given up on trying, not that he tried very hard, to engage with the supposed lost friends. He has chosen not to pursue anything. Interesting where we end up when we make particular choices. You choose, you lose, in this case.

L is sensitive at the mo, maybe just normal but I’m noticing it more. She is 6. I am wanting to help her not be so grumpy, or despairing, rather than reacting to her and doing ‘cross’ voices or faces at her. It’s a little more difficult when you have a muddy situation you can’t see so clearly. I guess I’m just wanting some insight into her character to help her blossom and not wilt. She is one fabulous young lady, interested in how keys turn locks and how many tiles are on the ceiling. Her questions flow fast and steadily. Her big sis has gone away for a sleepover tonight and she could only comment on how she felt so lonely without her presence. Teary moment. Only this morning she confessed to having thoughts about how annoying she found her sister, on a regular basis. She said her mind does naughty things sometimes. Hillarious, honest, heartwarming. Later she is missing her like crazy. I felt honoured to get a glimpse into her private world too. I hope for more of those moments, to take the time just to lie on the bed, read ‘the naughtiest school girl’ and engage.

I hope you are not finding it too hard, to choose life for the situation you are in currently. God bless you. Love reading your stories and hearing your stories. When they are told, they give me encouragement, laughs and fuel to go on.

(Can’t wait to see you this week Ames. Xx)

The colour pink

Today was an interesting day indeed.

My dear mummy rung to say she had called an ambulance in the early hours of the morning and was calling me from the emergency department of Wellington Hospital.

I was dripping wet from my shower, feeling a little naked in a few ways.

I imagine that having a few people walk in while you were in the shower, would be a total uncovering, never to be seen the same way again, by those people! a little bit hillarious to think about, but nonetheless shocking to think about. Vulnerability, completely - this is me!

I felt a little like that this morning, on reflection. I got a bit of a fright. I kind of went into control-freak mode, ringing my brothers, texting them, telling the girls about their dear grandmothers wee trip in an ambulance to hospital all whilst still standing in my towel realising i had to get ready for the school morning as well!

Later as I talked with my bro and his yummy wife, i realised some funny things about myself. about my nakedness.

I think when mum told me what was happening i had a scare, and got a bit emotional - my automatic reaction tends to be emotional - worry and fear, abandonment again possibly, and some tears. I tend to flip to the emotional side and forget all the important details or facts of the story. Sometimes i wonder why i can't recall things from certain times. Now the question i ask myself is: do i do that as a protective mechanism or control freak thing leaving the data or more detailed information to the side? Sounds flippin over the top to be analyising this today. I kind of feel like a light has come on though.

Recently i did the 'stretching love' thing again with the girls and we wrote truths on love hearts that we had learnt over the last two years in regards to d leaving us. It was amazing to see them write the truths they had grasped. Truth like: God has good plans for us. Even if daddy left us, we are doing well. We are a family - where we are is our family. and more .....

Today as i told the girls about Grandmas trip in her pink Pajamas, to hospital, L started crying when she saw my tears. Some truths had to be shared: What do we do when we worry? They both knew, we pray. Worry doesn't always go away forever so i reminded them to pray when they worried today.

That truth applies to me in my emotional response to the possibility of another 'abandonment'. I seem to have a 'mental' thing i do where i block out the facts which could lead to a calmer storm, sooner, and go with the 'worry-and-fix-it-quick' method. As i'm talking to the girls and as we are praying, I'm reminding myself just as much as I'm reminding them, of the truth.

Turns out Grandma in her pink pajamas, is having a lovely time in hospital meeting all the people, reading her book, having ecg's and chest xrays, joking about how she is going to catch the train home in her pink slippers, with eventually no sign of a heart attack. She is cleared later in the day and is resting in her home with her pinkness. My mum was amazing at making sure we knew she was fine, caring for our hearts, not wanting us to worry. What a fabulous lady.

I will endeavour to bring my own fear and abandonment to the Light of God asking Him for his beautiful help again. Funny how situations can lead us to seeing more clearly. Crazy how it can take like 36 years to realise some things but that those things are part of our journey.

Sarah I love talking to you. Matt I love talking to you. Thanks for your good questions for me and your ability to laugh with me when i discover how silly i am sometimes or how vulnerable i am sometimes. You don't make me feel like a fool when i forget to obtain important information like what mum is being tested for or her vitals. You seem to understand that for some crazy reason all i can remember is that mum is wearing pink today and that she has her sense of humour on board. Must be that i love clothes and jokes! Love love u and miss miss you!

3 times a bridesmaid ......

I do recall that little jingle being said to me as i was coming up to and over that no of bridesmaid duties. I tried to ignore it. I wasn't going to get married it appeared, at the same time as others.

I loved being a bridesmaid, the latest one i was in was one where the Bride won Bride of the Year. My beautiful second cousin Alex asked me to be part of the party. And we got to be in a magazine! The local barista told me i was in the magazine, at the time of publication. "Oh my goodness - what were you doing reading that magazine?" i replied.

There have been 9 wonderful times, all different and all beautiful and dear friends. I'm still hopeful for number 10. Harder as you hit your 30's!

And there are more!

Bride of the year and the Lloyds do the bridesmaid thing together ......

and i've even had the priviledge of marrying many friends ..........

And somewhere in the middle of those momentous celebrations, there was my own, dated 22 May 1999.

My body-guard brothers walked me down the isle and sang with me in the car on the way to ceremony .....

The diabetic bride....

My special friends, Sarah, Ange, Chrissy and Anna ..........

Funny thing is, i'm just about to send divorce papers off, as d hasn't seemed to have got round to it. We would have been married 11 years today ...... and i'm alright about that.

Truthfully it's been good for my heart to look over photos and see the many great times i've had, many with d as part of the package. And that's alright too. I think i'll need to look over the photo albums again soon, with more detail. Maybe when looking through them, God will speak again or bring another bout of healing, or just some joy from the incredible life i feel i've lived so far.

I loved being bridesmaids to my friends. I've dearly loved marrying people too. Marriage is a wonderful idea of God's. I'm hopeful that this ditty is not true: 9 times a bridesmaid, one time a bride, never a bride again.