I’m really looking forward to the holidays. We haven’t got much planned yet but I’m pretty sure it will grow into something special each day. Even if that does mean just staying home, making ginger gems for ourselves and having puppet shows or riding bikes to the park.
The girls and I wrote a list of things that we would like to do – only about 3 of them were costly things – going to the two dollar shop and the dairy! One of the things I’m looking forward to, is not having to get up to get k ready for school. Laying in bed longer, reading a book or just having some extra zzzz’s will be amazing.
This is the last set of holidays before our big OE together. As this approaches there is certainly some excitement for me. I’m also feeling sadly aware that nearly a year has gone by and no major miracle has happened yet for d, that I am aware of. I hate that. I am somewhat mystified by it too, how one can change so radically without consideration for another. Finding compassion for a person who is without kindness is something that is Christ-like. I am stirred and challenged by Jesus and by others in this season, in how to treat one who acts coldly and harsly, to treat as Christ would. I am, even though it’s hard, grateful to wise ones who have spoken kindly to my heart, when it’s been stone-ish.
As humans we are quite mysterious. The transformation that a caterpillar goes through to become an amazing butterfly happens to us all, if we allow it. It is the time that we find hard to accept. I certainly do. I read that the waiting (cocoon time) precedes celebration. I am feeling quite tired again, of the waiting. Funny thing is, the most change seems to happen in the waiting time for a caterpillar in cocoon. Encouraging I guess.
What does this look like, the waiting that is? Sometimes I feel like it’s a picture of me waiting for a cake to cook when I’m supposed to have been out the door 10 minutes earlier and the cake is still doughy in the middle. But how it looks in the every day swing of things, is not me sitting at home twiddling my thumbs. Waiting looks like a road well travelled with a few bumps on the way, where I’m living life, making the most of opportunities, not doing too much extra but focusing on being a good mum and making memories with the girls with the final destination not actually known (very long sentence!). I can do this. I’ve been doing it all year and in writing this down, I’m seeing that I actually can do this.
Some things I’m looking forward too during the cocoon time I’m in: wearing my new slippers in (I love ugg boots, they are the best!), making an orange chocolate cake (with a whole orange, pith and all), having to learn to use the food processor to make that cake, going away with some delicious friends for a wee break in the holidays, taking some more photos ……………….
The road best walked, is one with Him. “He walks with me, he talks with me, along life’s narrow way”. And He asks me to tell Him my story, for Him to hear it from my mouth, even though He knows every part. Thank you God, for being in my story, every step of the way.

Missing

I miss you.
I miss you laughing at my fopars, my childish sillyness.
I miss your touch, your sense of direction, your help with parenting.
I miss doing life with you and the I hate the fear of not being able to do it with you again.
I miss your love of English comedy, your ability to make an evening more fun by suggesting great things to do with our friends.
I feel lonely without you here with me.
I miss the manly help with sorting the fireplace out. I miss you doing the finances.
I miss being a team and I miss encouraging you in your gifting.
I miss the masculine side of our family, the rough and tumble. Mine just doesn’t cut it quite as well with the girls.
We are not the same without you. Your choices are a huge loss to us. I miss you being here with me in this new adventure of our life. I miss your wisdom and I miss playing games of cards.
I miss socialising as a couple. It is not the same.
I miss your prayers, they were good prayers.
Today apparently, you had an operation. I actually missed picking you up from the hospital and helping you with whatever pain you are in.
I miss telling you all the funny things that the girls say. The prayers they pray, the thoughts and feelings they have.
I miss you cooking bangers and mash. I miss you using the bbq.
I miss.

snap mum!

I got L these cute red shoes a few months ago, put them away and then as i was thinking i needed to buy her some new shoes, i remembered these goodies. She was excited. New red shoes. which woman wouldn't be, let alone a 4 year old! "Snap mum" she said. What a cool kid. L wanted me to put mine on straight away so we could match. We have fun wearing our shoes at the same time.
On our car travels today, L told me what she wanted to be (one day!). Her usual answer to this q if asked, is: A baker, a builder and to have a baby. But today without me even asking, she told me she would like to be a coffee maker. I was thrilled. Free help with my addiction one day perhaps. But straight after that, she added "and a show girl". I laughed out loud a lot. I asked her what she meant and she said she wanted to put on shows. Good on her. Princess shows. I knew she would be good at that. "K will have to help me mum. I'll do the coffee in the day and the shows at night!"
I had the girls in bed with me this morning. a lovely early morning visit with tickles and playing "my grandmother went on a holiday and in her suitcase she took ......." I felt it was time to launch in with a helpful comment or two from myself. These comments that i was about to proceed with, had been thoughts that had been tickling their way around my head for a few days. I said "You know this whole thing with daddy not living with us?" silence and eyes starting ..... "well it's not your fault and i wanted to remind you that it wasn't." L broke the starkness with "yeah it's your fault mum". hillarious - not. K said "na it's dad's fault." we then talked about plans - K had come up with this amazing plan of attack - to dress up and several of us (in the mission impossible team) were to knock on the back door and run away and then she would knock on the front door, he would be surprised and we would rush in the back door and tie him up. we'd bring him to where we live now. I love their plan. it cracks me up that they can have 'strategy' for saving our world.
I just ended the fun conversation of our 'surprise attack' with: "that is a great plan". "what else can we do to help daddy, that doesn't involve stealing him?". I simply reminded them about God's plans for our lives and how they are good. I kindly suggested we could pray for him even more, together.
It was a great moment. it soon moved onto - "can we please read the Horse and his boy?"
The picture of coffee and delicious things is some melting moments that i made this week. i'd been so keen to try to make them and i did. Boy they hit the spot.

In my dreams

So I had this dream ……… several actually, about this guy who I hardly know. Similar situation to me. His wife left him. We haven’t talked about it at all, it’s just what I’ve heard. Funny thing is, even though I’ve only talked a few sentences to him, at the various occasions we’ve both been at, I have had him visit my dreams.
Poor guy. In the first dream we were at a party. I said I hadn’t had a ‘pash’ for ages and would he be up for it. He he. Of course the guy was. That’s as far as it went as I woke up. Good thing. Second dream was where I was hanging out more with him watching movies etc at our house. I woke up and was bothered for the whole day about these dreams. I drew tree diagrams in my head of all the reasons that it wouldn’t be a good idea to pursue something with him. But I did keep thinking about it and sometimes it was nice to think about. Anyway after all that, it doesn’t matter particularly who the dream was about, (it could have been anyone representing the ‘male’), I realised it was about how I missed having a male around. I have always missed having my dad around as he died when I was 11. I have loved hugs from older friends who are men, as they kind of represent what my dad would have been/done. So now having lost a 2nd significant male in my life, I’m feeling pretty low about it. I miss the hugs, the touch, the companionship and the intimacy. I am sad. It has freaked me out to realise how vulnerable I am and how I felt such a strong pull to do something that I know is not something I want to do.
This is a significant 2nd loss for me and I am feeling it immensely. I have explained it to God in simple terms, repeating it over and over with tears: I miss not having a dad. I miss not having d. And that’s ok that that is all that comes out. Its’ raw and truthful and there need not be any fancier words.

glorious food ...

I’ve got to the best weight I’ve ever been this year. It was a number that I’d always hoped to be and never dreamed possible I think. The only reason I got there was because of the stress of the trauma in my life but it seemed to be one of the better things that had come from that time. So many positive comments. Feeling better buying a different size. But today I am feeling disappointed as my pants seem tighter and the scales don’t say that magic number. I’ve felt this coming on over the past months and haven’t been able to stop myself eating those extra things I’ve decided I deserve! For some reason, I remember when my dad died (at age 11), my mum would eat packets of biscuits in the evenings (not sure how I even know that) and she preceeded to put on weight. Yikes I’m thinking. My husband hasn’t died, but it feels like he has. And I find myself, by myself in the evenings. And I find myself needing a little something to lift me up. So I abide in those feelings and go for it. People always seem to want to leave me delicious morsels and of course my love of baking has not helped me move away from this unhealthy habit.
This week I’ve walked a lot, in effort to help my mind breathe but also to move my body. Each time I’ve walked it has poured with rain on the way home. Crazy especially pushing my girl who is 4, who puts up with mum’s crazy need for walk. I think I can do something about my eating habits. I’ve decided that I will eat smaller portions – serve myself smaller portions esp at main meals. That is my big epiphany and I haven’t come to a healthy decision re the fattening feasts after the girls have gone to bed. So I guess I felt like I’d arrived this year, when I saw that number on the scales. And now I feel it’s slipping away from me and I have felt quite powerless. Ah what to do. How do I bccome accountable for these eating habits? When you have a friend or husband, you can work on it together. D and I went to weight watchers together to loose 5 0or 10 kg a few years ago. It was a really positive move. What is the real reason I am eating? (that’s what the counsellor would say for sure!). These are some good questions, none of which I’m able to answer whole heartedly yet, but good to get out on the table.
I’m looking forward to tomorrow, a sleep-in while the girls watch a movie, some time at a lovely friends house for lunch and then maybe a bike ride down the road before we settle in for the evening at home. Will sat pm involve me resisting temptation or having another scoopful or 2 of that irresistible cookies and cream flavour in our freezer! Ahhhhhhh.

Walking with someone

Yesterday I walked from my home to the otherside of town, trying to get there in time for an appointment whilst also trying to get some fitness in. When I arrived, proud of myself for making it, the ladies on reception were quite impressed and offered me coffee to recover from my effort (water was what I needed really)! They commented on how relaxing a walk can be, admiring creation etc. I agreed but had also came to realise that it hadn’t been relaxing at all, as I was quite stressed about getting to my appointment on time. I laughed at how it was a chance for me to get exercised and also to have some time for my head to clear, yet how it had counterbalanced due to the face I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it! I read a section from CS Lewis’s ‘the horse and his boy’, where Shasta (the boy) is walking with his horse, after some real tough stuff. He becomes aware, as he is walking along, of a ‘creature’ quietly walking with him. Eventually, when he can ignore it no longer, he talks to this creature. He shares his own woeful story (after the ‘thing’ asks to hear his story’) and finds that through all of the ‘situations’ that nearly took his life, this creature was there with him. Sometimes this creature had even saved his life, though Shasta didn’t recognise that at the time. He ends up commenting on how He was there in the story of his life. It is such a lovely piece of writing, directing our hearts to the fact that God is in every part of our story, yet he still wants to hear how it is from us.
I’ve been back from my retreat experience and sadly been quite busy with ‘stuff’ since then. I laugh in some ways when I think about the retreat. I was the youngest by miles (sort of the only one with full coloured hair) and I was also the only one not to wear any polar fleece. I wanted to giggle out loud at times (when it was not a time to be talking even) so I had to concentrate on behaving myself. At times this is hard for me. Hard to imagine?
I loved some definite things about the retreat: having time with a wonderful lady, older than me, who listened and pointed me to God. That was for an hour each day. Some times I cried and she told me to be comfortable with that and not apologise. She encouraged me to see where God was, in all the parts of my story. I was reminded that God has been with me through out this journey. I discovered some truth about waiting – the picture of a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly. Waiting takes time. Am I ok with waiting? Not really but I’m more OK with it now, seeing that it’s not a bad thing but a vital part of my own transformation. And how to wait? Twiddling my thumbs, finding more things to keep me busy? That doesn’t seem to be the idea. ‘Waiting is the ‘in-between time’. It calls us to be in this moment/season, without leaning so far into the future that we tear our roots from the present.’ TS Elliot wrote “a lifetime burning in every moment”.
What I learned, I painted or wrote down, talked a lot to God about and walked on the beach with coffee.
Sometimes I feel like I am a spider with a big web. It’s so big and intricate with all it’s different parts. It’s confusing sometimes how to know how to process all of the different things I think. But I was reminded that all of the feelings we have are important and getting them down on paper or out of our head, is a good idea. I have heard the phrase ‘you need to process that anger’, or whatever emotion. I just asked a lot while on retreat: ‘but how?’ I feel more equipped to do that now – to write down anything that comes out and to see where God is in it and how he is with me and all my humanity. When sad or bad memories come up, I’m not so afraid of them now. I’m more willing to ask God, ‘what are you wanting me to validate here or show me here? I’m more willing to not push the memory away but to cry or let myself be with it, maybe to forgive or maybe to pray. Maybe to do nothing but be?
I talked with a lovely lady today who said she wasn’t glad she’d been through the ‘rough stuff’ she’d been through but could definitely say she was amazed at the things she’d learned through them. I’m glad to say the process of this stuff has me mystified at times but sensing God more than I have before. I’d rather wear my merino than polar fleece and I can’t wait to be in the ‘butterfly’ part and not feel like a spider!

Noisy silence

I do feel like a hippy today. I am going on that retreat in a few days and I feel like it’s a little hippiesh – like I should be wearing a skirt with lots of different panels, some bells and definitely a head band. I laugh at myself that I’m going. I think it’s nervous laughter as I know it’s going to be quite good for me. A few friends have agreed with me – we’re not sure if we like the thought of being on our own. We seem to fill ‘down time’ with noise like movies, or technology. So I’m going to be having ‘down-time’ by myself, with some opening and closing day prayer (with the other hippies that will be there!) and some spiritual direction in between. But that’s all. There are walks to do, sleep to have (apparently that is OK according to some!), prayer in all it’s various forms and there is even some clay and charcoal to do stuff with.
As I walked today, I noticed how you could have moments of silence with God, even though there were trucks, cars, birds and other invasions happening constantly.
I am reading a book on silence and solitude, mainly so I’ll have some clues on what to do over the next 4 days. The writer explains some simple steps that I’ll need to take, for my first retreat (in my mind and practically): It’s a place where i am going to meet Christ in joyful solitude. There is nothing to be afraid of, for Christ is perfect love and perfect love casts out all fears. It’s a prayer house which I enter alone to be with God. Take my Bible and a journal. With God I don’t have to put on my best bib and tucker, I can just be myself. Remember, he knows all about me, from A-Z. To try to fool the Lord by putting on any kind of show is absolutely idiotic. It’s a place where I can relax a little like a piece of dough. Have a little chat with him, snooze a little, do a little reading and go out and have a walk – admire creation.
She says a lot more but that’s enough for now. The hope of this writer is that it just won’t be on retreats that we come closer to God but thinking about God as we are living normal life – standing still with him while walking with men.
I watched a dance dvd last night. Man they can boogie out some great moves. When the final music was playing I got up off the couch and started dancing. Crazy, all-over-the-lounge, kind of dancing. It was fab. It was a release and so much fun. I don’t’ think I’ll dance on the retreat, or infront of anyone else actually, but part of the process in me over this year, is remembering things that I love and beginning to do them again. As I walked today, I just noticed things I never would have before. I would have never made time to notice them – always too busy. I also lost confidence in who I was, partly. That is coming back, even in the form of dance. He he.
Some more memories: I got this cool note from K last night. It made me cry and feel so so great and now it’s on the fridge: Dear mum, you are a gat (great) mum, even when you get mad you still love us and we still love you. I have been kind to the kids at school who don’t have anyone to play with. Love k-k (my shortened nick name for her). Very cool. L prayed a great prayer about d last night too – all about his soul being for us and him coming to live with us again. She told k she was a superhero, even after k had been mean to her. I love those moments. God help me remember the good ‘quotes’ of life.
I’ll be back, after my hippy happy experience. (photo of k on stilts, her first time. i'm hoping the retreat is easier than the first time on stilts - it looks like fun though!)

Pruning and being

I spent a few hours the other day with a wonderful woman, a new friend who is delicious. She is older than me, wiser and more clever-er indeed! I was needing some help with a small assignment I’m doing so we researched together. It was so great going deeper with research, deeper than the Bible gives at times. Understanding the cultural times, the belief systems current in that time, even about the land. I was greatly encouraged and helped by this friend.
Then I was reading a great poem by Eddie Askew (whoever he may be) and his notes on John 15 – abiding in the vine. It helped me with understanding winter again but also challenged me with what it means to abide in Him.
He writes …… It would be easy to be glib, and say that suffering is a pruning, and that the pain is worthwhile because of it’s fruit. I can’t go that far. Suffering can work wonders, strengthen character, bring fruit; but it doesn’t always. It can damage and break, too. Perhaps the clue is in our being branches of the vine, which is Christ. Secure in him, pruning is positive. It still hurts, we still feel like screaming, but we know he’s there, and that he’s gone through the same process himself. Maybe we need to remember that the cross began as a tree.
Then part of his poem to go with his response to the text …. The cut worm, the pruned branch, both bleed, each in it’s own way. And in the bleeding lies its healing. Lies new growth. One of the many miracles of daily life.
Lord when I scream, and others too, gather us to yourself.
Help me to see, and them,
That understanding isn’t all that matters.
Isn’t that at the root of things.
The truth is,
That when I’m grafted into you,
My pain is your pain.
My groan your groan.
And you healing is mine.
In time.
And in eternity.

I guess I’m real keen to abide more and especially amidst this feeling of suffering. But I do feel at a bit of a loss as to what ‘abiding’ looks like for me. I think part of the retreat I’m going on next week, will be about abiding. It will also be about forgiving. Thank you to my friends for reminding me of truth.
Some cool things: K, the 5 year old, is making Rakau sticks at school and doing actions songs with them. We made some tonight out of old magazines and she is going to teach us some tomorrow. I remember the days of singing beautiful Maori songs and throwing sticks to whoever was lucky enough to try and catch them. L is seeing things quite outside of the box at the moment. She just pops up with things that I don’t even think about. It’s pure lovely hearing her mind wandering all over the place. She made a telescope out of paper and selotape today and as Grandma tried to encourage her, she told her “oh Grandma it’s just pretend!” We had devilled sausages as well tonight. My mum said it reminded her of Gran’s meals. It so did. I might make them more! The girls thought they were yum, without the sauce and onion of course. Photos – just us abiding at a café, we love fluffies and coffee – it’s mostly always my idea but the girls have done it since birth, ye ha for tradition and ye ha for coffee. Love me

Bike rides and trees

I did a bit better today at not going ‘off my tree’ when the girls do something that irritates my defined wee world of perfectionism! I had come to the Lord last night, with just sad feelings and I’d cried and told him all my deep groanings. I was deeply honest and it was great. How do I forget to do this or why do I fill my time with so many other things and not Him. Anyway, it was good. Part of my talking to God was about my anger and how i have been flying off the handle. Today when the girls got mud all over their pants …… oh and mine …… I just was so fine about it and didn’t even react. I’m writing this so I can look back and remember. It may not sound like much to anyone else, but it was a bit of a milestone considering the last few days. We went on a trip - the girls biking (and somehow landin in the mud!) and me taking photos of trees that i really liked. something i'd been meaning to do for myself for ages. The photo of the tree is one of my favourite old houses on our street and i love the starkness of the winter represented on the tree.
The talk at church yesterday was about our past (our history) and how people in the bible made visual reminders (markers of their journey) so they could pass the miracles and stories onto their children and so on. What will this season in my life leave and how can I leave reminders – visual, of what God has done? I read in Mary Demuth’s parenting book, about her children finding it hard to live in France and how they took a Psalm and wrote their own – ‘things we miss from America’ was at the top and ‘something we like about France’ was at the bottom. It was an offering of sorts and a visual display of their own feelings. I am so glad of ideas and help through this season – for us to make great memories despite our pain and for us to be able to express our feelings and have a visual reminder of how God has helped us through this time.
Some more good memories for today: The girls said today how they would like to go back to London. We went when they were much smaller. They don’t know yet that my family are paying for us to go in Dec to visit with my brother and his wife. It is the second time they have said something like that. I responded by saying “why don’t we? Let’s just go, real soon OK!” they were pretty excited and that was with them thinking I was just being crazy and not truthful! I can’t wait to tell them.
We talked about High’s and lows over the dinner table tonight. I said I loved watching them bike down the road with me. They agreed and said that was a high. K liked overtaking L on her bike and being the fastest. I liked watching.
Another cool thing I read, in Sarah Williams book ‘Shaming the strong’ (the challenge of an unborn life) was about peace. I’ve never been able to explain how God has bought amazing peace to my life considering the disturbing past months. She puts it perfectly: I guess ‘peace that passes all understanding’ (Phil 4:7) would not mean anything if it was not the peace of a lighthouse in the middle of a horrendous storm.

God, thank you so much for your peace. It is amazing. Thank you for being able to remember the good and amazing things you have done. Help me not to forget what you are teaching us but to live it and help others with it eventually. May all this be to your glory.

Some things I’m thinking about

Spring – the daffodils, camellias, blossoms are all out and starting to fill my world with wonder. I love the start of spring, especially as there is hope of warmer weather and some more colour!
Bad reports – I’m finding it hard when people ask how it’s going with d and me. I have nothing positive to report and being a pretty positive person, that is stifling and I feel like I’m drowning in it. The most positive thing was that he had started a counselling course but it doesn’t appear that he is putting every effort in.
My response – I heard something about how we respond to God in situations as opposed to letting our situation dictate us. I liked that and thought I could think more on that. I also heard a quote from some random book – “God hears us when we are in the middle of a wonderful and busy life and he also hears us when we are in the desert and parched. But it is when we are in the desert and truly desperate, when we hear what God says to us.” That is my paraphrase but it made me think.
The girls – K was angry the other night, suddenly after finishing on the phone with daddy. I asked her to share how she was feeling and she told me she was angry with me, angry with me for marrying daddy. She wanted me to marry someone who would live with us forever……….. Isn’t that amazing, profound even? I am so glad she was able etc share that. I took her out for a fluffy the next day and some cake and I showed her a wedding album I had. She was in awe of it all and I explained a little about being in love etc. It was a moment I wasn’t sure how to handle but did what I felt. Parenting through this has been quite hard but I’m doing OK at it, apart from my outbursts of rage sometimes when things aren’t going as soothly as I’d like, like this morning when the girls poured water everywhere in their room. I said some rough things in rough ways of which I wasn’t proud of. I am thinking there will be no more water poured in the room this week.
TV – I’m thinking about how I watch too much of this sometime and forget about the source of my life. I have not spent much time with the lover of my soul, the one who makes me happy and who fills my life when nothing else will. I am sorry but glad He walks with me, whatever.
Retreat – I’m going on a spiritual retreat in 2 weeks. It’s for 4 days and it’s by myself (no children or friends) with food, a few times of prayer during the day, an hour of spiritual direction and time. Time for myself to be with my God and to speak with Him and listen. I’ve never done anything like this but someone wonderful is paying for me to do this. I’m in awe! I’m also a little nervous. How will it be and what will it look like? I’m a bit excited about it too.
Those are just some thoughts. Love me
PS Love the photos caz. you are clever.

Am i so dumb?

This year K started soccer. I’ve always been keen to have the girls involved in some kind of sport and artsy expression. Soccer was something that she was keen on, but each Sat, at game time, and each practice time, she preferred to not join in and rather play with mud on the side line. This was frustrating and surprising for me, especially as I had volunteered myself as the coach!
L always seemed keen to join in the practice and wanted to play when she was 5, just like K. I was hopeful that when eventually she did get to play, that she wouldn’t cry or perform like K routinely was. Well I eventually got over myself and the proud attitude of ‘don’t give up on something you’ve started’, and this last week I told K she didn’t have to play anymore and that I understood how she felt. Immediately L asked if she could play instead! Well of course! So here she is, a photo from her first game, where she actually kicked the ball more than K had in the whole season. She did really well, she is so keen and I am thinking ‘why didn’t I pick up on those clues before now!’
I don’t enjoy coaching, at all really. I like the thought of helping others, but I’m not wired in the sporting way. I won’t volunteer again I don’t think.
From the counselling and talking I’ve had this year, the opportunity to open up what is going on in my mind/heart, I’ve discovered some messages I’ve certainly lived by for awhile. They are not necessarily messages I believe in, but I have lived by them nevertheless. One message is that I have found value in doing things for others, I feel important, feeling like I’m something special and have something to offer.
So this year is rather opposite to the years I’ve had for many before. I have moved to a city, where I’m having a sabbatical – a rest from what I’ve been doing. People have asked me what I do during the week! Interesting question for someone who has placed huge value on doing ‘things’. I now answer ‘nothing in particular’ (apart from my delicious job of caring for L during the day). And it’s true. I do nothing that I used to do. Hardly any meetings, being in charge of anything, working to a schedule (cleaning the house should be on some sort of schedule I guess!), except for soccer coaching – ahhhhh.
Through this time, I have had to discover what I enjoy doing, for me and for the good of my family. I have walked more, even in the rain (L takes an umbrella on the pram just incase it drizzles), I have continued drinking a coffee a day, I have done some art, played the piano a few times and enjoyed changing rooms around. I have bought magazines, discovered recycling and read loads of books. I have baked and cooked and baked more. I have even made soup. I’ve never made soup, from scratch.
It’s good to discover more about me. To discover that I’m OK just being me, no more, no less.
Psalm 18 v 16 ish talks about how God stooped down to pick me up, because he delights in me. (my paraphrase). He delights in me. I am hopeful to rest in that more and to enjoy the simpleness of being ME.

flying foxes

Psalm 40 – it’s a favourite of mine from this year! Verse 17 says ‘As for me I am poor and needy, yet the Lord takes thought and plans for me. You are my help and my deliverer, O my God, do not tarry.
I was challenged in church, again, listening to a talk on ‘can I trust God?’ with where I’m at. They went on to say that we just can’t control everything in our life and what were our control mechanisms that we used when things begin to spin out of control? He, the speaker, took us to where the Israelites were stuck at the sea, between a rock and a hard place. The sea represents chaos for us, uncontrollable stuff (I’d never thought of that before – ah der!). The Israelites were tempted to go back to their slavery, funny.
K got the chance to go on a flying fox today. As I went with her to have a look, even I was feeling a bit ‘wobbly’ up there. She was keen, but twice, decided to not do it. The third time of heading up to the top, she gave it a go! I was so proud of her. Many times before, she has given up and been rigid in her decision. No trying or persevering, just NO! But this time she gave it a go and we had to stay longer at the park while she enjoyed some more of the freedom and fun she’d discovered. I was tickled pink to see her go for it.
Back to the preach: Ex 14:13-14 – Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.
I was just greatly encouraged by that. I can trust my God to do amazing things. He is in control, even when I try to control all things. He is a promise keeper and he does fight for us. I feel like it’s real simple stuff, but it’s real truth and I need to go back and back again to remind myself of the great story that I’m involved in. The word of God is my story and even in K trying to leap off the tower, trusting the flying fox, I’m wanting to do that. Hearing that this morning was good, but now writing it and reading over my notes, is just another way to get it into my heart I think.
I struggle with things in my story not being right, right now. Do not tarry God. I wish You would hurry things along, it’s a long long time. Nevertheless, I will trust You God.
L prayed today telling God about the different birthday cakes she was going to have – when I’m 4 I’ll have the Wiggles (I reminded her she was already 4), and when I’m 5 I’ll have a princess and when I’m 6 ……. Cute. We had spent all of our dinner trying not to sing Abba’s voule vou, ……. That song got in our head and I still can’t get it out! It was so much fun dancing around the room and shaking our body wildly, together. Doing this journey together, is wild but we’re together.

Back to basics

I haven’t blogged for awhile. I have felt guilty, again, for not doing something on my ‘to-do-list’. I haven’t even known what to write and now as I type, I still hardly know what will come out.
But I remind myself that blogging has been good for me. I think in some ways I’ve been drawn to myself and all that I’m learning about me over this time, that I’ve forgotten about Him. I’ve forgotten to get friends to pray for me. I’ve forgotten to think about Him and focus on Him, when I’ve been to the depths again this week. But ye ha, my brain is not completely fried and I’ve been reminded, so softly, to get my thinking, my heart, my focus, back on Him, my God. I’ve had Psalm 23 recalled to my spirit, I’ve read verses aloud that have bought me life and now they do again.
These past two weeks have been very hard for me. The last few days I’ve done a lot of crying – for no particular reason. My face has been melting a lot. Someone asked me if d had been mean. Not really, nothing too mean. It’s just all got on top of me again. Where is all of this going and where will I be at the end of it? I had a friend in a similar situation say she wanted all the pain to go away. I can understand that and I know I’ve said that too. But I’m also acutely aware that the pain I’m experiencing has some meaning and is doing something more than I can see.
I can be quite positive even in the worst of times. A helpful attitude mostly?!
Winter can be described as being a dark season – no colour, blandness with some frosty side effects. One author describes summer as being full of beauty and bountiful yet the beauty of winter is amazing – it’s starkness helps you see a tree as it really is, bare and very clear. I can kind of understand that in my winter time at present. I have seen the blossoms forming ain this last week nd it makes me feel closer to some kind of light in my own small world.
As I reread what I’ve written I think my thoughts are all over the place. They are. I feel worry about the future as for the first time, I can’t see what lies ahead. I feel fearful of that too. I am compelled to trust God who holds me in his hands. I am saying again and again: God you have good plans for our family, plans to bring about the future we hope for (Jer 29:11). I am also asking friends again, to pray with me. It seems to be such a strength and each time I feel much better, no matter the length of the prayer.
Psalm 40 – (my paraphrase). You heard my cry and lifted me out of the mirey clay – you set my feet upon a rock and you put a new song in my heart, that many would see and hear about you through me.
At the end-ish of the psalm, it talks about how you are my deliverer and to not tarry. Please don’t tarry God.

Another rainy day

This is possibly the best cheesecake recipe I’ve made. And I’ve made a few. I’ve possibly eaten a lot more!

375 g plain biscuits
200g butter melted
500g cream cheese, softened
1 c caster sugar
3 eggs separated
1 TBSP cornflour, sifted
2 t vanilla extract
2 c sour cream
¼ lemon juice

preheat oven 150c. process the biscuits until fine, transfer to a medium bowl. Stir butter until combined, press the biscuit mixture evenly. Plan pan on an oven tray, refrigerate while preparing filling.

Beat cream cheese, ¾ c sugar, egg yolk and cornflour in a large bowl until smooth. Add the vanilla, sour cream and juice, beat until combined.

Beat egg whites until soft peak. Gradually add the remaining ¼ c sugar, beating until dissolved. Fold egg white into cream cheese mixture.

Spread the filling into the biscuit crust, bake the cheesecake for about 1 hr and 15 min, or until it just set. Cool in oven with the door ajar. This helps to prevent the cheesecake from cracking. Serve the cheesecake at room temp.

Today I was feeling agro, that time of the month perhaps or whatever else is going on in my body for this week – whatever, I was agro. It had been raining on and off and I just needed to go for a walk. Poor L. She has the chicken pox, but we put our raincoats on (just incase it dared rain again) and off we went. We got all the way into town and most of the way home before it rained. Legendary. On the way we played this game I’d made up. It’s called “I like” and you just have to say one thing you like. The next person can agree, “yeah I like that too” and/or just say what they like. It’s a very positive game. And some incredible things come out. L told me she would like a plane that flew through the air when you pressed a button and also a doll that ate lollies that came out it’s bottom to be used again in the bowl. Emmmmm. Off the top of my head, I said I liked chocolate and coconut together, parties …… to name a few. It was good to get out of the house, walk and play the game. Last Oct someone asked me what I liked (can’t remember if I have written about this) and I found it hard to think of what I liked as life had been swallowed up with being busy helping everyone else. Now I am able to see more clearly what I do love and I’m actually doing some of it.

One thing I love is baking and the reason the recipe is above, is because I was given the ingredients to make it and I need to make it tomorrow so the cream cheese doesn’t expire. What a shame. To have to make a delicious cheesecake and then decide what to do with it! It’s going to be hard. What to do? What to do?

(the picture is a dish we made for christmas, 07, thanks bec)

Thank You

I remember things and go “oh yeah, that was cool”. But sometimes I forget, I think it’s a good habit to write ‘thank you’s down. I used to make the kids in my year 7 and 8 classes write a thankful diary (because Oprah did something similar). I have a lot to be thankful for. I love shoes and I found this book at a friends place and copied some quotes (Shoes, a love story – Tim Blanc).

Q:1 The fact is sometimes it’s really hard to walk in a single woman’s shoes. That’s why we need really special ones now and then to make the walk a little more fun. Carrie, Sex and the city.

Q:2 There are only two kinds of women in the world. Those who love shoes and those who had the misfortune of to be born without the ability to experience total bliss on finding a pair of perfectly designed pumps in the right size at half-price. There’s a direct correlation: the more shoes a woman owns, the more nicer person she turns out to be. The more she obsesses about footwear, the more normal she becomes. Those of us who love shoes are happy, passionate and more exuberant people. Whenever we meet, we recognize each other with our own special greeting, the shoe-aholics hello: “ooooh”, we say, “cute shoes”. From Heart and Sole: The Shoes of my life. Jane Eldershaw.

I’m thankful for the holidays just been, sleep-ins while the girls eat apples and play ‘teachers’ in their room, catching up with great friends, spending money on bargains that I find, getting a refill of tomato salsa from a fav café back home, being given money to fix the car, seeing mama mia, finding gluten-free baking mix at half the price, dinner with friends, more sleep-ins, watching a John Mayer DVD and a Sting one, time with my mum and finding Gran’s meatball recipe. Even buying some Christmas presents – I know, it’s so flippin far away! New and old recipes from friends and the fact that I have not been BUSY these holidays with catching up with folks, but more particular in who I want to catch up with (that’s a biggie for me), is something I’m grateful for. I’m thankful I’m learning more about myself and who I really am.
Today, this very rainy Tuesday, I’m thankful for the time I got to lay on the bed with k, talking about nothing in particular but taking the time. Today I’m thankful for making a duplo house for L as that made her day. I’m thankful for the yummy chicken pie we ate, together and that the fire has made us warmer.
I think over the last month I’m aware that I’m mostly thankful for a sense of humour. I am glad I can laugh and crack a few jokes even if it’s just with myself. I have been able to say (as I’ve just realised), that I’m genuinely happier this year, than I’ve been in a long while. That seems weird considering the turn of events, but there is a peace that surpasses all of my understanding that can only come from Him. My God.
I am so thankful.
The last quote about shoes (did I mention I love shoes, esp my red boots?!)

All God’s children need travelling shoes. Maya Angelou

Memories

Anniversaries are for celebrating – remembering the past (perhaps the good stuff mostly) and for looking forward to the future. I read it in a book recently (that is my paraphrase of it).
So now as I come up to birthdays etc I’m reminded – oh yeah lets take a moment and remember good times and look forward to how we want the future to look.
I was just in a café where we used to live. I have memories of sitting in there working while the girls were at their day-care, having coffee dates with friends, walking there for coffee, loving sitting by the fire, having many friends and family celebration meals there. It is a great café. It’s even greater now as they are selling ‘peoples coffee’ which is a fair trade one. Like it!
But the only memory that struck me today was how d had taken me there for coffee after the shit had hit the fan with us, and him saying stuff like “I need to date you again” and “I need to take the girls on dates too”. That was pretty nice. It was only 8 months ago but it felt like a slap in the face today.
I’ve also been thinking over these last few days (of being back in town) how I just don’t want to be alone and how I just want everything to be better. Not the way it was, but better, completely new. Now when I think about d, I have to try hard to think of good memories. I am glad to say that there are some, a lot infact.
Living life in this season would be easy to sit and wait – wait for redemption, peace, reconciliation. My ma said recently, something she’d said when I was in my late teens: don’t sit around waiting, live your life. She had meant not to head down to bars to pick up men (good advice from my dear mum) but to live my life and to trust God that he would bring my husband along. Good advice. Now she is the same. Live your life and enjoy things. God is in control.
I guess I want to not focus on bad memories (which is pretty easy to do) but to re-focus my mind on creating new ones plus remembering good and decent and fun times with friends and family.

Sorry, it's been awhile .....

Gods ways are so different to mine. I am reminded of this when I read the word and also challenged. Back a few months I read this and was spurred on with what it said, even though it was flippin hard: Luke 6:27-28. Love your enemies. Do good to those who hate you. Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who abuse you.
It’s hard to bless d. It’s hard to pray for him to be blessed when he hasn’t bestowed anything close to a blessing to me in the last wee while.
I put the car in to get a warrant and found out that it was going to cost $600 without even the main prob fixed. I welled up with emotion and tears infront of the nice mechanic guy. The car needed to be fixed. There was no getting around that. So after praying I felt to ring d. He said, after trying to hold my tears back while explaining, that he’d “think about it”. Helping me that is, he’d think about it. That made things worse and I realised why. I just actually wanted to be rescued and to be told that it was all going to be OK. And I wanted to be told by him because he’s supposed to love and care for me. Turns out the next day he let me know he would let me have that money. Funny thing is – I love a funny side to a story, I went to visit the ceo’s of the church d goes too (as they are close and wonderful friends), and they said their church (the one d goes too) will pay for the rest of the bill. Hillarious and wonderful all at the same time.
So how to pray? I am pleased to admit that I have been able to pray, despite my feelings of confusion over the way he treats me. I have been able to pray that God would bless d and I even offered him some meatballs to take home. I did what I felt God is saying and it is actually good for my soul. He didn’t take the meatballs. Silly boy, they are amazing!
L, our 4 year old, cocked her head back as she walked away from me this weekend (to head to daddy’s) and said, “you’re going to be OK mummy, don’t worry!” She also told me she liked my pink nail polish and could she have some when she got home. When the girls came home today K said, “I’m so glad to be home mummy”. I’m so glad they are home too. I’m planning to have meatballs this week, with my darlings.

just for fun, just cause we can

Tonight we had a ‘ye ha it’s the holiday’s!” party. I sent the girls an invite and we had a party. All within a few hours. It was a hit – balloons, lollies, chippies, dancing and items to show off! The girls were told on their invite to wear their PJ’s and also a fun head thing. So we all looked a bit silly but we had a laugh.
This morning we’d had a fun time at church with a family service. The girls stood up the front of the auditorium singing songs for all to enjoy. I stood on my chair to wave to the girls, to help them with their confidence if that was needed. They had a game show, a real dog do some tricks and kids sharing what God meant to them. I had a sense of missing doing all that stuff for kids. I’m quite hungry to do a story or something at church for kids. I think I’m missing some of the stuff I was used to doing every week in our old job.
Reading Ephesians tonight there was a goodie: Chapter 2 verse 8-9: For it is by free grace (God’s unmerited favour) that you are saved through faith. And this is not of yourselves but it is a gift of God. Not because of works lest any man boast (not the result of what anyone can possibly do so no one can take pride or glory in himself).
At the moment I’m not able to be busy doing stuff like telling stories to kids at church. I am on sabbatical. Having a rest. Part of my sabbatical is learning stuff I think – I’m learning that I’m OK, accepted, loved by Him, no matter what I’m doing or done. I am loved because of who I am not because of what I do. This is part of my journey.
The last thing the girls said tonight as I was kissing them goodnight – “mum I want to live with you forever, except I’m going to have to get married”. There was some real contemplative thought followed by who they would love to marry. I remember only a few months ago they wanted to marry each other! K changed her mind a few times tonight but L was adament: Logan, I am going to marry Logan.

Almost snow

The girls called me to the window today and I was too busy to come getting the breakfast ready or something mundaine like that. But I remembered that I wanted to be a YES mummy (in a good way), so I went and saw this amazing amount of hail. This hail turned out to cover our everything outside! A friend rang me to say this was possibly the closest it would get to snow, in our city. She was outside with her husband and kids crunching in the hail. She encouraged me greatly to get out there. There was no way I was going too. My organised, structured self said the girls would get all messy and I’d have more work to do, it would be cold and they could catch a deadly disease ……..
I got over my silly self and we got outside quickly and warmly. I spent ages taking photos of the girls making tracks in the hail, laughing with them and eating hail. The comments were “wow it’s Christmas!” “this is so cool mum”. We had a fab time and talked about it all day!
Later in the day we saw the snow on the hills and it was so close and amazing. It’s a wonderful world! I am so glad I wasn’t too busy today or too structured to stay inside where it was warm and tidy. The moments of feeling hail pelt us on our bodies far outweighed being stuck inside. The girls loved it because it was my idea and because it was spontaneous and it was about God’s amazing creation.
I am proud of myself for abandoning safety and routine (and being too busy to watch hail). This felt like a big thing even though it sounds small. No regrets, love big and enjoy each moment, even if it's a bit messy.
K and L, it’s a wonderful world when we’re together. I love it. I love making memories that will last for yonks. Let’s make way more.

Some poems

Recently I saw a movie where poetry was read and surprisingly, myself not being a poet writer or reader normally, I wanted to read some. Today I found a book filled with poems on love. I have read a few and liked a few so I thought I’d jot them down with my loose thoughts, hoping they will connect up somehow.
Rupert Brooke writes about love and how that one must be able to love the plain and practical things – one must fall in love with simple things first. And his poem ‘The great lover’ has some of Brooke’s great loves:
White plates and cups, clean-gleaming, ringed with blue lines;
Rainbows; and the blue bitter smoke of wood;
And radiant raindrops couching in cool flowers;
And flowers themselves, that sway through sunny hours,
So here is mine: Sarah, the great lover.
I actually love white china, the homely smell of baking completing itself in the oven, a dark room lit only with candles, new clothes, more new clothes, a meal with friends whether out or at home, a nicely brewed coffee, background jazz music, singing anytime harmonising to whatever, encouraging the potential in another and living with no regret. I could go on: eating cheesecake, making things my mum and gran used to make – sultana cake and ginger gems in particular, walking with a friend to kill two birds with one walk, sharing Jesus with someone. I won’t go on but I could.
FLICKER is another poem – traditional American. Check it out:
The flicker of the campfire, the wind in the pines
The starts in the heavens, the moon that shines
A place where people gather to meet friends of all kinds
A place where old man trouble is always left behind
So give me the light of a campfire, warm and bright
And give me some friends to sing with, I’ll be here all night
Love is where you find I; I’ve found mine right here;
Just you and me and the campfire and songs we love to hear
So give me the light of a campfire, warm and bright
And give me some friends to sing with, I’ll be here all night
Love is where you find it; I’ve found mine right here
Just you and me and the campfire and songs we love to hear.
Someone asked me one day what I loved. I couldn’t answer until recently. I’d been too busy to do the things that I liked, therefore forgetting what was actually at the core of my being. I’m thinking more along those lines now.
This is the last poem I’m quoting today, as it challenges me that beyond the last horrible turn of my life, I should not give up on love. I don’t have a hard heart towards it, yet I want to live deeply with love as my core:
TO LOVE
Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken.
If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one,
Not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with
Round with hobbies and little luxuries;
Avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.
But in that casket – safe dark, motionless, airless – it will change.
It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.

C S Lewis