laments

I’m doing an assignment on the life of David. I have to choose one chapter and exegete the scripture and prepare a talk on it (good practice for preaching prep). I’ve chosen 2 Sam chapter 1 where King Saul and his son Jonathan have died. David has every right to rejoice and be estatic about the death of the man who has tried to kill him many a time, but again David chooses to give glory to God and to give his pain to God. He laments.

I’m reading a lot about lament and how it’s not a winging or whining to God but an invitation more or less, inviting God into the pain of our circumstance. David said that the lament he made, was to be taught to the Israelites. We must learn to lament.

Anyway it’s a good thing to be learning about in more depth. I think I’ve lamented well and in lots of ways over these last few years, perhaps without even knowing it. Today comes another experience of which to cry out to God about, to let him know the despair of my heart and why my face keeps melting.

Last night d said (really kindly and before he has even told the girls) that he will be taking them to another country for Christmas. He kindly told me it was only for 5 days as my voice began to break and the tears began to fall. I had prayed for a few months that he wouldn’t take them and had hope that my prayers would be answered in the way I wanted. But alas! I have to face the pain of the loss of separation. It’s kind of like you’re put in jail for doing something you didn’t do and you just can’t get out. Of course it is not nearly as bad as that but it’s kind of the picture I get – the loss of control, the ‘nothing you can do about it’ kind of scenario. And it’s all happening on my birthday. Yippie.

The same day my big brother and his family leave to go home to Australia, after having an early Christmas with us. I wish he didn’t have to go then and could stay for the 25^th, just so I could feel like I had a family or some sort of semblance of family there. It will just be ma and me for Christmas and as lovely as that is, it just feels painfully small and insignificant. Mum on her own and me on my own.

I’m not sure how I’ll cope but when the feelings of ‘running away’ come (which pose themselves as – “which country could I fly to or which town could I fly to, so I am in control of my abandonment and not having to feel like I’ve been left alone at home), I’m less inclined to entertain them and I’m trying to be more inclined to cry and give those feelings to Him. A kind of lament I think.

Thank you Han, that we can do Christmas with you. Thank you God that you make family out of a mixture of people coming together. Thank you that in the middle of the stormy painful prickles you Live and move and have your way. Thank you d for being kinder in your way with words.

Psalm 25

To you O Lord, I lift up my soul;

In you I trust, O my God.

Show me your ways, O LORD,

Teach me your paths;

Guide me in your truth and teach me,

For you are God my Saviour

And my hope is in You all day long

The troubles of my heart have multipled;

Free me from my anguish

good endings to crazy times

Camp came and went. The girls had a bliss time with a horse ride included and a crazy, wild ride on a wagon that wobbles. I did the job myself, that I’d previously done with d, telling kids about the amazing love of God. It was fun. It was tiring. I was sick at the same time. I mostly loved it.
I talked a lot about journey and wanted them to know that God wanted to join them on their journey through life. I majored on this and just about forgot to invite them to start their journey with Him. You have to have a start mark. The challenge is not even to start I guess, but to choose daily that He would be the centre of the mobile of our lives. I heard many kids pray and ask Jesus to be their saviour, maybe for the first or 7th time, but there were kids deciding to start their journey with God that night. Very cool. I first asked Jesus to be the Lord of my life when I was 4, in the bath with my brother and my Dad praying with us. I remember many other occasions deciding to do it again. All good memories!

Since the camp fun, I’ve been stuck in bed with pneumonia. It’s been incredible to be able to rest so much, having my delicious mumby helping out with the girls.
I’ve had delightful times with them too. L offering to sleep the night with me promising not to wriggle but to just kiss and cuddle me all night. Prayers from them both asking God not to let me die. Thank you Lord.
Helpful munchkins bringing me breakfast in bed, watching mama mia with me, reading me stories and being happy to cuddle up in bed with me, during their holidays.
We read Max Lucado’s, ‘The Special Gift’ where the Wemmicks are given gifts from Eli. Each gift is something that the individual Wemmick loves doing – a guitar, some paint, a new wooden spoon. After we begin reading I ask the girls what they believe their special gift is, that God has given them. K says climbing. Very true. She is great at it and one day may be able to help someone stuck up high! L says ‘Life’.
Such a deep one. Not even sure what it means. But she was sure, repeated it later even. Maybe giving life to people or something.


One night during the last week, K had come home and not wanted to eat dinner complaining of a sore tummy. I went along with it but she was asked to sit with us at the table. Funny thing, she comes into the lounge after dinner and bursts into tears, fessing up that she had lied as she didn’t want to eat the roast vegetables (what?). Now she was hungry. I gave her a joyful hug and congratulated her on her honesty. I said I would heat her up some dinner but while she was waiting I asked her to talk to Jesus about her lie. I shared the verse from 1 John where it says if we ‘fess’ up our stuff, he forgives us and cleanses us from all unrighteousness. Like having a bath from all the dirt!
The happier, truthful girl, ate her tea later with joy. She knew she was right with her family and right with her God.



To finish the week, the week where I thought I’d be in hospital, I got to go with our family, to a wedding of a dear friend who we’d had in church since he was about 11. Also seeing all the cool cats from that time in our life too, was amazing.


It was a joy, a beautiful wedding, I got to pray for the couple in my husky pnemonia voice. It was a loss not being able to stay for the party part but I was so grateful for the miracle of being well enough to even go.
D was there too. It was weird but good. It wasn’t too uncomfortable. Heaps of people talked with him so I hope that was good for his heart. Who knows apart from God maybe, what going on in his heart but my heart was lifted this week when we talked on the phone and he said he hoped I felt better soon. I feel like a fool saying that that was a good thing, but in the world I’ve been living in for nearly two years, it was a good and lovely comment.
Thanks God for the small things and the big things. You are always so good.

camping it up

We're off to camp today. I'm the preacher, the girls are my wee helpers and we're taking a few friends to help.

I've only cried once today, but in prayer. AHHHH help me Jesus.

Haven't done this for awhile and haven't done it on my own. D was always my side-kick bob, or crusty the clown! Such a blessing he was. Missing that.

It's a great honour to be invited back. It should be a lovely change of scenery, a beach and good cafe nearby, some friends to see and some delicious children to teach about a God who loves them radically.

L had a roaring ear infection on sun hence the photo of the loving nursing sister. That same sister was devastated we had to go to the doctors instead of doing something else 'funner'. She was quietly encouraged to make a choice to serve and from that moment she was nurse nicity! An amazing server is my girl. K you were a blessing - rubbing your sisters back, making her laugh, getting her drinks and making the rough time more smooth! What a gal.

Some things i'm loving at the mo:

My new brown nail-polish - hot for chocolate. I feel a little goth but it's not black and it's so delicious like choc!

I'm loving reading cooking books, i'm loving taking the time to read them rather than them just sitting looking pretty on my bookshelves.

I'm loving having a wedding to look forward too. A chap who came through our church as a kid is getting married in a week or so. I'm excited. To dress up and to be there will be bliss.

I'm loving cinnamon danish's (pinwheel scones) from the local bakery. sadly the girls love them too so it's a big cost for that indulgence!

I'm loving cushions. What are the things you would collect if you could? I would collect more cushions and even quilts.

I'm really enjoying reading other peoples blog. finding recipes or insight is really cool. I'm slighty tired from staying up later to read them.

I'm liking how God speaks during the day, even through the freshly laden snow on the hills (in the middle of spring?! ahhhh).

I'm loving watching Pollyanna with the girls and trying to collect those kinds of classics as books for them. another thing to collect!

off to camp now ..... see you soon xx

pray-ers

I remember the power of prayer over my life – the time a huge tree fell on a wagon we were in, crushing a young boys arm. I wasn’t strong enough to lift it and so I did the only other thing I knew to do – pray. The tree went up instantly, just enough to remove the childs arm from further harm and then it slammed back down to where it had fallen. I was in awe.

I remember the time I was marrying someone for the first time. I was so nervous. D prayed for me and instantly I was filled with peace and was absolutely fine for the wedding. Thank you God.

We are to pray, always. We don’t always see the answers we want, in the time frame we want. But prayer works, His word is true. He is faithful. I lost a beautiful clip the other day and I was so gutted. It’s only a clip but I handed that whole worrying and annoying loss over to God and was able to share with my girls that someone had found it and handed it into their school office. Cool aye.

I also recall the days when I was in the middle of the shock of d’s abandonment and all that went with that. My mum was riding in the car with me to do something and my face was melting again. Mum didn’t know what to do and I didn’t want any peep talks, so I asked her to pray. I remember her blumbering through a prayer of help for me. She was in as much shock as I was. But instantly I felt better, a weight of oppression or discomfort or pain, had lifted. Each time over that next few weeks or even months, I felt that stuff lift, each time someone prayed with me.

This week I’ve been pretty low. I’ve just been a bit sad and teary. Ma is in Australia and so I emailed not giving much info but saying I was feeling low. I asked her to pray. I think a few other people did too and I’d prayed with two friends over the phone. I woke Tues am and felt dramatically different.

I’m impacted again by the praying ‘thing’. I prayed on Sat, while walking around the streets in a down-town, lower-socio-economi area, on a course I was on. I hadn’t wanted to go to the course but so glad I did. Something was layered in me again, about God’s love and the ability we have to pray, anytime, anywhere. They talked of recognizing ‘mountains’ in peoples lives (…. You can tell that mountain to be cast into the sea ….). They compared the stats of the time American pastors pray per day (4 min) compared to Korean pastors (3 hours) and the difference in the amount of people they are seeing coming to know God. I haven’t been a regular pray-er even though I feel I pray all the time. I’ve set aside some time (it’s not like an hour or anything) each day to come to God with my family situation and my friends who don’t know God and I’m praying. It’s such a journey we are living. I don’t feel bad for not having been so regular, I feel glad that I’m moved again by God’s grace and the need to pray.

Thank you for praying for me. I really appreciate it.

This prob seems simple, and it is. But I needed it and hope you are encouraged. What did MC Hammer say? You’ve got to pray just to make it today – with a few groovy dance moves!

words are few, tears are loud.

It's been a rough few days. Possibly due to me being a bit of a stupid ning-nong but also because of our reality. It was such delight to get these photos in the post tonight. Thank you my sweet Anna-lady! I marvel at your work.

I've felt lonely and frustrated in parenting. I've found the girls difficult over the last few days, hard to believe when you look at these photos, what darlings! Arguing, bickering, putting each other down and not doing what i ask, has added up to me having feelings of despair and 'hide-in-the-wardrobe' retreat. I find solace in tears. I find i surrender to icecream with delicious toffee sauce.

The girls have 2 weekends in a row with d and i feel so left out of their wee worlds. I never have a problem keeping myself entertained over these times. That part is easy. But I feel like there is this black hole of nothingness, what are they doing i wonder? Where are they now and are they OK? It seems a little silly thinking about it, but it isn't a natural thing. I mostly would know where they, i guess i just feel a little left out. On purpose.

I miss D. Today and yesterday i miss him. Going to concerts on my own, going to parties on my own. Going to church on my own or on our own. It's not quite the same.

I am pretty fine with it, but some days it just rains with sadness and missing the other part that was 'us'.

Anyway something that was so cool - on our way home from the girls being away, they sang me songs about how much they loved me. they were made-up, on-the-spot, melody-inspired, kids songs. I was in heaven.

Sometimes when it seems overwhelming, I forget about the good stuff.

To Breathe (that's a gift indeed)

To think about the good times (hopefully there have been some that day)

To Cry (weeping is so good apart from the puffy eye syndrome the next day)

To turn to Him, who is always there....

Ps 18 .....v 18b but the Lord was my support

v 16 He reached down from on high and took hold of me

v 6 in my distress i called to the Lord;

i cried to my God for help

From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears

battleships of the mind

I've always encouraged parents of children i've taught, to take teachable moments when their child's hearts are quiet-ish! eg moments when they are in bed ready for sleep but still awake enough to converse!

tonight we had been playing battleships, d had rung in the middle, grandma was leaving and it was rather chaotic. And then a moment came:

Me: what did you talk to d about on the phone?

L: i asked him why he chose not to live with us

Me: OK .... and?

L: i can't remember ........

he he

Me: what else are you thinking about L?

L: about how i don't really like myself

Me: tell me about that ..,... (screaming "whattttt" in my head)

L: well my body is always feeling sick, even when you don't believe me, so i just hate my body

Me: apology for not believing her

L: and my mind often tells me to do naughty things and i don't like it (pointing all over her face to indicate what she had just said)

so we talk about telling her mind to not say those things, in Jesus name

Me: what sort of things does your mind tell you to do, that are naughty?

L: to chop my hair off (done the other day)

to push all the books in on the shelf so that you'll have to pull them out (done quite regularly)

to close the window and then to lie about who did it

the list went on with about 8 really great confessions. I loved it, so much. What great honesty. And with that, came this sincere and honest kind of thought - "i don't want to be like that, to be obedient to the naughty thoughts."

so i encouraged her and told her i thought she was way more special than she was naughty! So true. what a delicious bubble of joy that girl is to me.

I am always glad, when the moment arises and when i take it, to have a glimpse into their minds. Hers is alive and composed and open to her God.

L is also brilliant at battleships, at the ripe age of 5!

PS sorry no photos, haven't taken many recently.

the importance of prayers

prayers from tonight

God bless Anna. Thank you that she took photos of us. I pray that her project would go really well .......

and a long, long prayer from the next one .....

God please bless mummy and kaiya and me .....

heal the people who are sick, shine your light on people who don't know You ......

crying (because mummy cut her off) ... "I didn't say Amen and i'm not finished!"

Sorry Liv.

More praying. Amen.

mean mummy

Some of the latest conversations:

“Mum this sucks, I hate being sick. It’s going to last forever. I’ll never be able to go back to school. But I love being home with you mum, doing special things”. What a brave wee poppet. How annoying for her.

“Oh mum this day is just so great, going to the river and then a party, and then havng our photo taken (with a friend doing an assignment) and even going to dinner after that with some friends. What a great day.” This one fell in the mud at that dinner and was quite distraught as I kept asking her to show her muddy-bottomed jeans to everyone! It was a delicious day with so many facets to it. Falling over and everything just added to it. We tried to refocus on the positive things at the end of the day when mostly tired feelings were surfacing.

L had been sick for the 4^th day with an upset tummy. She fell over in the river, had various scrapes over her body and then to top things off, she stood on glass at the photo-shoot. Such a brave wee poppet. Sometimes these things make me go crazy so I’m really trying to remember to give cuddles and reassurance that everything will be alright!

The girls whispered something one evening recently and after a few q I found out what they had whispered: “sometimes mummy is mean”. The statement had been agreed on. I wasn’t too upset when hearing this, I was sorry that they felt I was but we talked about it. I loved mocking them as I brought out the jelly I’d made that day covered with icecream and sprinkles, saying “Here is something from the mean mummy”. I was the best mummy then. Love the honesty, love to talk it through trying not to be threatened by it. K was told by a wee lad in her class, that he wanted to marry her. She was tickled pink and told me with absolute freedom, giggling with excitement. I am so glad she told me. I hope that she will keep telling me and that I will react appropriately, even if I’m shocked!

I realized the joy of the changed response tonight. I have been given the gift of being able to give a different response, after 18 months of giving the same one. It has been broken record material for a long time. Tonight when a special lady asked me how d was, I was able to give a more positive report. I was able to say that finally I was able to say something good – that he is doing better it seems. Praise you God, there is good news always with you. Even though I don’t see daily what progress is happening with d, I am so glad of the small times I’ve seen over the last month. And it’s good to share, finally. God keeps pursuing us, even if we give up. He has never stopped pursuing d, it’s just that d has maybe softened or responded or something. It’s cool to see, in a world where there is often bad news. Ye ha for that.

It just reminds me of simplicity – of keeping praying despite what our eyes see and of trusting and being obedient when we don’t see fruit but knowing that He is faithful and able to do immeasurably more than we ask or imagine.

I am glad for these stories I’ve seen. I’m glad because they remind me of You God and how you move when people have such little faith. As I tell the small stories of greatness, my faith is fueled again.

springy glittery times

Crazy week

Undescribable tiredness

Long rehearsals

Cake making for the show

Funeral attending. Funeral speaking. Death's emotions.

Walking slowly to the jobs i have to do.

Many, many phone conversations.

Faithfully (well trying) to connect on a level that helps my friend with her loss.

And in the middle of all of this, God speaks.

When i feel i haven't even tried to listen, He loves.

A verse from Song of Solomon on email from an long-time friend - "The winter has gone, the spring has come. flowers appear on the earth, the season of singing is here".

Don't you love spring? The Magnolia's, the Rhododendrins, the cherry blossoms. Love them all, love what they represent.

Tomorrow is the day we lost a baby, two years ago. I'm mindful of it but also challenged by it. How could this date connect me with d somehow? I'm thinking (usually first thoughts are the ones i seem to go with, if i'm brave enough!) i might text and remind him, if that is possible to do nicely over 160 characters!

Death does something, it certainly has done something with my friends family. For a moment in time, there is this amazing love and 'togetherness' that may not have been so evident before. Maybe i can hope that in being 'obedient' to a small thought (which i'm recognising as God speaking on ocassion), that life can spring up.

I bought some glitter hairspray today for the girls hair, in the show tomorrow. I used to buy it all the time or have a supply at home, so that every wedding i went too, i'd spray some in - remember that any friends who joined me in that crazy tradition? i might glitter myself up tomorrow night with my own wee ones. How much fun is glitter to a girl? not quite as fun as new shoes, but right up there i reckon.

To the girl who has my old last name

Hey my sweet friend.

I am so proud of you. You are doing so well with your study and are just about there! I am cheering for you and thinking of you so much this week.

I can’t wait for Friday for you – the end of all the hard work and the start of a holiday ……… ye ha! And it’s not even me that is doing the work or going on the holiday!

When I think of you I smile. You have the same name as me or I have the same as you. You are fun. You are sensitive. You are wise and humble all at the same time. You are real. You are deep. You are truly lovely. You are my sister. You are my friend. You are my sweet brother’s dear wife. How lucky am I?!

And that’s only what I think. Your God leaps and twirls about when you give him one of your glances. He is with you through the late nights of intelligent writing and the questions of “Can I do this?”

Praying that you understand his grace for you in all you do and that you know his perfect peace this week. I love you dearly. You are delicious.

Wish I was coming to Italy. K said that after I told her you and m were going. “I wish we could go with them mum”. Amen girl!

the oven is clean

It's a cracker of a week this week - it's show time!

We had a day of rehearsals today, two more this week and then the show on Fri and Sat at our church.

I was so proud of my girls today. They turned up to church at 1pm after a weekend with daddy and were so excited. They could hardly contain their jittery giggles as the cute spotty dresses went on and they joined the group of crazy kids for a rehearsal. Apart from not being able to keep their sweet dresses over their knees, showing their undies to all watching, they did brilliantly! I debriefed with Liv tonight as she was still singing the songs lying in bed ready for sleep time! "i just loved being on stage mum". So cute.

It's a big week. A funeral for my dear friend's mum amidst the crazy other stuff.

My friend is doing so well. It's hard to comprehend birth and death in the same time frame. A baby girl one day. The sad, sad passing of a mummy the next. I am expectant my friend will experience the complete and utter love of God as she goes through the pain of loss.

Last week was a crazy one too, but on the blowing up oven level! I even cleaned it due to the fright of being without it for a day!

I talked with d on Fri and it was a better talk than any other i've prepared for. The prep, in hindsight, was the most difficult part of it. Looking over old stuff reminding me of what was and perhaps could be again, only different. It was heartbreakingly hard to hand that to God knowing that I can't control d but that i can hope and pray that he would keep being soft to God's promptings.

It was more of an obedience thing really. Hearing God speak. Doing what He's asked. The talk was simple, he was noticeably moved about some of the things i shared. No remarks except "thanks". And that is fine. So much better than any other response i've had over this pebbly path i've been on.

If my girls ask in years to come, for advice, i can reply easily regardless of the outcome. I did all i felt God called me to do and I did everything I knew to do to save our marriage. Thus far.

I am in awe of God amidst the storm and amidst the calm.

He is everything beautiful to me.

smalled by lifes throwings

Today I quote a friends text she sent recently – ‘life is so big and sometimes I feel dwarfed by it’. I really liked that when I read it, it says what we all feel at times.

The oven blew up last night while a meat loaf was cooking.

The computer was shutting down every time I’d read my favourite blog and I was missing my friends life via the net.

The production I’m heading up at church is looming and the pressure is building.

My dear friend of many years had a baby girl yesterday. That same day, her mum died. I am so far away from her and I feel absent and heart-wrenched for her.

I feel dwarfed.

A wonderful friend challenged me regarding my marriage. Time is ticking – only a few months till it could be all over according to the law of our land. Have I done everything I can to let him know that I am still committed to this? I guess that means have I told him that I’m here. That I’m committed to our vows. That a marriage takes two people and that I am part of that and want to do the work together.

Boy this was a great challenge. A hard one in loads of ways. But I remember praying that if God wanted me to be a ‘Ruth’ or an ‘Esther’, then please show me.

My friend doesn’t deny that it is a huge risk, the vulnerability again and the chance of being rejected and abandoned once more. This conversation with her has bought a balance again to my faith in action. Or it’s bought some kind of challenge to my faith in action. It’s refired my hope and I needed that. I’d kind of resigned myself to the fact it’s over. Without much of a fight. Kind of like those Israelites with Goliath. Not a chance anyone could have beaten him. Kind of like the Israelites standing at the red sea. No way out. And God speaks: stand and see what I will do. He makes a way where there is no way.

So I am aiming to position myself where I will be able to say to my girls, when they are older, that whether d is with us or not, I did everything I could to make it work, using the gifts (those precious stones david picked to hurl at goliath – perhaps they represent forgiveness, self-sacrifice, mercy …….) God has given me.

So adding all these things up in my brain, I’m thinking there is a lot going on and it feels like a mushed up mess of sadness, fear, tension and pressure. In the midst of the storm, my God speaks and I’m glad.

Today the oven got fixed, the computer was fixed for free by a great computer man, I was able to contact my friend and I’ve begun scripting what I’ll say to d.

Heart in hand – laying it all out, warts and all, I come to you God. Heart in hand – I’ll speak simply and straight to d one day soon, but my heart will be in my hand open and soft as God calls it to be.

Today I'm Moses i realise. The person who ran when the tough got going. Today I’m Adam, the one who hid from God when he realised his state. Today I’m lots of those people.
Mostly I’d like to be David. Little guy who took on big guy. I think I realize I need to be him. His story is there for me. I feel like him picking up those few pebbles – I’m at that place not quite ready to chuck them or face the giant but choosing the right ones for the job.
I breathed in the air so keenly as I walked along the river today. August has surprised me – the weather has been breath-taking. Sunny. Calm. Warmer than the past few months indeed. And the flowers are beginning to pop themselves out into our world again. Spring. As I walk up the little hill which gets me to the path leading along the river, I want to run like a little girl in a field full of sunflowers or daisies even. I don’t, as there are a lot of people around. But I breathe in the air and smile to myself. It’s beautiful. I don’t even say much to God but I am glad I know Him and I tell him I don’t want to run and hide from the pain of my abandonment.



My eyes are often drawn to this picture. It is some of the members of my family and it just reminds me about life and how it’s meant to be done. Together, holding hands (sometimes pulling another along), laughing, talking and crying, but together. It is a beautiful picture of the help I have for raising the girls by myself. It simply reminds me of what being together is. Visual reminders have impacted me so much in the past year.
The woman in Song of Solomon talks about herself harshly, her appearance worries her maybe – her darkened skin from the sun’s harsh rays along with her brothers ridicule and having to work in the fields. Then the man speaks: If you can’t find me loveliest of all women, it’s all right…… You remind me of Pharaoh’s well-groomed and satiny mares……..
He speaks in the pain of our circumstance and as He does, I am free-er. Pictures or words, whatever it is, I am changed.

thinking christmas already

I wish I’d written some happier moments before writing again. Loads has happened since last entry, house sold, lovely conversation had with husband who is not one, producing of a musical, some movies being watched (‘I love you so much’ – French subtitles, amazing! ‘Sunshine cleaners’), me realizing that when I am agro with the kids it’s usually because I am having a hypo with my diabetes – good to realize this before doing anything drastic! Devouring a box (over a few nights) of the new lindt chocolate flavoured balls – ‘stracciatella’ which is short for white chocolate with cocoa pieces and a delectably smooth centre, – oh and one of my favourite memories of the last week – making a delicious carrot cake which turned out to be easy and a success. I’ve never made that particular type of cake and it just felt so great making something I thought I’d never make!
Tonight something dawned on me, as I proceeded to recognize the feelings of downcastedness (is that even a word?) slowly eeeeek their way into my mind and then fully into my body. Like an ache, not a painful one but an obvious one. Something’s not right and I need to invite God into the picture so I can see it clearly and gain some understanding if poss.
I feel abandoned. Yes definitely abandoned by d. I have been chewing over the fact that he seems to be softening and changing and surprisingly right infront of my eyes. How dare this happen without a warning! It’s been a good surprise but a hard one. Could the softening of ones heart be OK and still as great, if that one still chooses to walk away at the end of it all? I don’t know and it’s something I’m wrestling with with my big boxing gloves. Is it OK to say sorry or seek forgiveness yet still walk away from the mess one has caused? Yeah it’s tricky and sometimes pays not to think about too much!
Abandonment has hit me in a few areas, I’m only realizing it tonight. None of these situations are anyone’s choice, apart from d, but they still seem to leave a mark. And I choose to deal with them in interesting ways – withdrawl to protect myself, which doesn’t make sense but is one of the coping mechanisms one can use. I don’t want to do Christmas without my kids and that may be the outcome this year. It’s highly possible it won’t be, but the dread and fear of it is overwhelming, so much so that I have decided in my heart to fly away to somewhere rather than do Christmas with friends and my mum, I even am happy to go to a place by myself. Well I say im happy but that is probably just a silly joke I’m playing on myself.
When dad died, I thought he was tricking us and that he was just hiding somewhere. I thought I’d see him one day when walking down the street and I imagined hitting him for tricking me. I thought he had abandoned me or us. There is a sense of ‘where are you?’ running around my crazy mind and there also is one with d. I have said to people that I feel like I need to slap myself to wake me from the nightmare. But it’s not a dream, it’s truly real. It’s as real as my dad dying. But it’s different. Dad didn’t choose death.
I feel lost without d. I feel overwhelmed by how much he was part of my life since I was 14ish and the silence of him now. He is not here. He has left the party, gone with the wind or flown our coup.
Some q remain: How will I respond to the feelings of being left alone at the party, in the wind or in the coup? Will I leave things which are too hard to face or bear? Will I abandon the simple situations that I’m facing?
Will i be able to resist that cream cheese icing?

The house that Jack built

I’ve wanted a corner-store before, still would have one if it came along – selling cute kitchen things, good food and cafenated beveragesr!
When we moved to our new town, I refered to the house that we owned and had left, the ‘house of pain’. I usually said it in jest but it was the truth.
I had been thrown off a table there, attacked infront of my children, I’d been lied too for over two years and other saddy kind of things. It was painful. But it was also a house that I had dreamt about. It was unusual to own a big house (5 bedrooms) on some land, amidst loads of houses newly built but with no land. I had dreamt of having somewhere with a bit of grass for the kids to play ‘bat-down-cricket’ and hide’n’seek. It was that kind of house. Yes it definitely needed a lot of work, but there was hope for the home that we were building together.
Our house, the house on pooh corner, is up for sale now. We are selling that dream. Well part of the dream and part of it hurts. I’m glad, real glad that we will be rid of it, one less thing to worry about. But it feels a bit sore too. Thinking about what it represented and what it could represent. Saying goodbye to the house of pain and the dreamy house makes me feel a little tender.
Again, again and again I can see the hand of God and I can feel that call to follow Him through this rough stuff. I am called to trust what I don’t see and to trust Him with my fears. I am finding it’s like taking a breath when you haven’t stopped for a few hours for whatever ‘busy’ reason. Oh yeah, I need to just stop and take a moment or a breath. I start to fret a little or to worry and then I’m reminded to take a breath, to trust and move on. That verse in the Bible about not worrying about tomorrow as it will take care of itself, is such a simple and clever one!

Ps 131
1 God, I'm not trying to rule the roost, I don't want to be king of the
mountain.
I haven't meddled where I have no business
or fantasized grandiose plans.

2 I've kept my feet on the ground,
I've cultivated a quiet heart.
Like a baby content in its mother's arms,
my soul is a baby content.

3 Wait, Israel, for God. Wait with hope.
Hope now; hope always!

Arriving and moving on by Ernesto Cardenal

God's call, vocation, is twofold. God calls us saying, 'Come and follow me.' We arrive and then we must follow. We find but must go on seeking. God's call is a never-ending call, to the unknown, to adventure, to follow him in the night, in solitude. It is a call incessantly to go further, and further. For it is not static but dynamic (as creation is also dynamic) and reaching him means going on and on. God's call is like the call to become an explorer; it is an invitation to adventure.



On a lighter note, I’m wearing skinny jeans – I’ve arrived with the fashion! It cracks me up – I’m doing something I swore I’d never do. I kind of think that fashion nowadays is usually typical for only the skinny ones of us, so I’ve kept away from certain fashion items. But I gave it a go, after good consideration, and I don’t look too bad. At least in the dark!




Here is something really really nice to enjoy. As well as not wearing skinny jeans, I’ve never made sticky date, or any kind of date pudding thing. Dates – ewwww yuck. When a friend and I were making dessert recently for a special ocassion, she suggested this recipe with some poached pears. Amazing. Divine. A taste sensation.

Sticky Date pudding
1 ½ C chopped pitted dates
1 C boiling water
1 t baking soda
100g butter, chopped
¾ C brown sugar
2 eggs
1 C self-raising flour
cream to serve

toffee sauce
150g butter, chopped
1 C cream pouring cream
1 ½ C brown sugar

Preheat oven to 180. Place dates, water and soda in a bowl and allow to stand for 5 minutes. Place the mixture in the bowl of a food processor with the butter and sugar and process until well combined. Add the eggs and flour and process until just combined. Pour into a lightly greased tin lined with non-stick baking paper.
Bake for 35 min or until cooked when tested with a skewer. Cool in the tin for ten min. Cut into squares.
To make the sauce, place ingred in saucepan over medium heat and stir until butter is melted. Bring to the boil and cook for 5 minutes or until thickened slightly.

eggs in my head

Holidays come and you sometimes don’t even realize how much you needed them. We just headed away for a few days and had a fab time. The change of scenery, the adventure of the unknown, the new environment, was all bliss. Loved it a lot! Didn’t think I’d love it that much. I love the surprises in life.
We were tripping around places that d and I had many connections, places where we had made memories, celebrated peoples 21sts, mini putt and bowling (I remember getting my first, and possibly only, hole in one!), one anniversary celebrated there with a night in a flash inn and dinner out somewhere lavish, holidays with friends there over many years.
The memories or flashbacks were kind of a surprise too. I felt if I thought too long about them, I’d be sad on the wee holiday. But to name them for what they were has been a good thing. I miss him. Or I miss having ‘someone’. When I looked at the pig and her family at the wee farm we visited, I thought of how we are all feeding pigs at sometime in our life. I just wished d hadn’t walked from me to feed pigs. I felt that loneliness again of doing a holiday without the sense of proper (in my own mind), ‘family’.



Stephanie Dowrick says ‘At the core of loneliness often lies a fear of abandonment, usually experienced as a fear that the loneliness---the feeling of not being wanted by someone, of not being recognized, or understood, or sought after, or appreciated---will go on forever. No rescuer will come. And behind the fear of abandonment is something else: a lack of trust in your own self. Do I exist in any meaningful way? Does my existence matter?’
To be over it (my marriage dissolving) or saying “I’m OK” is fine. Time is healing and God is healing. I do think how nice it’d be if he had gone on holiday with us, if he walked back into our lives after feeding the pigs for a rather long time.
Weird how nice it is to have friendly conversations of recent with him, It could turn at any moment, yet loving, really loving the reminder of how nice it was to be in relationship with Him. My friend, my companion, my husband.
So much in our world, but so far gone now.
Part of our dreams but now apart of them
Provider of our needs, now taker
Lover, now kind of enemy.
Weird – messes with my head, yet again.
And then I read in God’s word, how David had a chance to kill Saul many times yet he held this honor towards him and did not. Saul was deserving of some kind of ‘beating’ from David indeed, but David chose the high road – “As God lives, either God will strike him, or his time will come and he’ll die in bed, or he’ll fall in battle, but God forbid that I should lay a finger on God’s anointed.’ Wow
This is a very scrambled blog of a very scrambled eggs in my head. But more and more I’m Ok with the scrambledness realizing God brings stuff to the light and it’s OK for it to sit there and not be solved right away. Somewhere in the mist of the darkness where the light shines, God uses people, his word, creation and other things to help me see more clearly. I am maturing glady, in my response to situations. I think!
Henri Nouwen – Make the conscious choice to move the attention of your anxious heart away from the waves and direct it to the one who walks on them and says, “It’s me. Don’t be afraid.’ …..
What might happen if I shifted my attention away from the waves and to the One who walks on them? What concrete thing could I do to help redirect my attention and not worry about what is gone, my loss?

I am loving the kind men who help out in our life! They are just incredibly amazing. The girls loved recently having a ride on this dear 'daddy' friend's back. He had chopped firewood while he and his wife and kids visited, gave us loads of stuff and let the kids use him as a horse!
The acts of kindness layer some kind of precious 'daddy' loving in my own heart. Having known the loss of a father at such a young age, i am so mindful of my own kids loss. I am thankful for any effort made by kind friends to show tugs-of-war or daddy-games to my girls.
K decided to climb a steep cliff on our recent holiday. She is a great climber but got to the top and couldn't go any further - ahhhh i had my fancy boots on, my mum (61 years old) offered to climb the great hill and halfway up she got stuck. Two beautiful men came to the rescue and saved my child and mother! It seems simple stuff, but these are layers for me, of God's goodness and his grace to us in our lack. Thank you Daddy God.

End of term party - ya whoooooo!

It came! The girls invited one friend each (our house is rather tiny), we ate - cheezles, lollies, decorated cupcakes, chocolate fondue, had a treasure hunt, made lolly bracelets, played musical statues and other fun games and ended with our favourite family movie about Swiss people getting shipwrecked!
It was pure delight. What traditions will our kids remember?
Hopefully loads.

tears and questions

Sobs were coming out from L tonight. I wish that daddy lived with us. Why did you have to leave? When will he come and live with us?
These are hard q to answer but worth having a shot at with my girls. We discussed them briefly (as they were so tired and a little under the weather). We will have to process them some more over the next few days I’m thinking, but the truth was able to be shared at an age-appropriate level.
“Daddy chose that he didn’t want to live with mummy anymore and I am so sorry but I don’t know if Daddy will ever come and live with us. BUT (there is always a but – it is very necessary most of the time I’m thinking!) let’s remember the good things that our God says”. So we did. There are still questions and there are definitely worries. BUT He is our Redeemer and He is our only hope.
My favourite of all favourite men and preachie type people, preached on divorce on Sunday. So glad it was him saying the stuff he said. Divorce. The D word. Doesn’t even rhyme with anything!
Wasn’t sure how I’d cope with hearing about it but was intrigued and had a sense that all would be OK. I love that preparatory sense that God gives.
A few things I got from it – God’s boundaries and his heart for it are narrow so they protect the very thing that God has designed. They are meant to not help us run away from marriage but to turn to God and others for help.
We tend to handle our ‘situations’ on our own but as believers we can and should do it together in community.
I loved the way he worked through the bible and exeggeted the scripture well so we understood the time and place where Jesus and Matthew and Paul (1 Cor) were talking from. It was interesting and it was gracious. It wasn’t black and white and as a congregation we were encouraged that it never was.
Lastly he finished talking about the woman at the well who had 5 husbands. Jesus showed such grace to her. He didn’t judge. He helped and loved.
That was a great reminder of who He is and how we can be encouraged to act out his love in ‘community’. I haven’t given this guys preach much justice on paper, as I thought it was awesome. But it’s good for me to get down my small and various thoughts on it.
Wonder what our future holds? Wonder what it looks like and what is around that next big corner? Sometimes it’s best not even to wonder. Live each day, step by step. Live it with Him.

another tiddely-pom

The more it snows - tiddely-pom
The more it goes - tiddely-pom
the more it goes - tiddely-pom
on snowing
And nobody knows - tiddely-pom
how cold my toes - tiddely-pom
how cold my toes - tiddely-pom
are growing.

It's certainly cold. It's certainly nippy around the edges.
I shouldn't be amazed at how much fun can still be had in this weather.
The girls stayed home from school today and we lay in bed watching our fav movie of the month (thank you Disney for Swiss Family Robinson!), got up at lunch and had fun doing adventures while trying to keep warm. It was a delicious day.
It ended with a few cool things too - chicken pie and potato stretch (thanks caz for this bad habit!) for tea and our tradition of reading by the fire before bed. We are reading 'The house at pooh corner'. It's quite lovely and rather funny too.
Anyway before we read the next chapter, the girls wanted to have turns at singing the tiddely-pom rhyme pooh had made up. they had turns and then the creative edge i sometimes have, leapt out. "Let's pray using tiddely-pom". It felt as crazy as it sounds but the girls went for it and our prayer time was a 'cracker', considering one of them had just said "I hate praying!" Love the honesty.
It was hillarious, we laughed, we were honest with God, we had fun. He is so into that!
The coolest thing as well is that even though it's cold, and we've run out of fire wood, we saw our prayers answered (from weeks of praying and trusting). We have some firewood coming on Wenerei. Ye ha i say!
The last thing where my creative juices are needing to run is this: K commented today, just out of the blue, that she needed to do another heart for our banner in the hall. "I'm worried mum. I worry about something..... I worry about you and daddy not being together, in the dark."
My poor darling. We had a talk about it briefly, but it's in my mind and verses and ideas are popping into my mind to help. I think we (parents) always have to be aware of what's going on for our kids and always be ready (if not straight away) to process with them or help them on the right track to that.
We will have a poster making session and i'll make one on a great verse to help that will stir conversation and then we'll add our worries to the heart banner. Sounds like a plan anyway. Thank you my God that you are with Us in our pain. Thank you that you care about these wee hearts. Thank you that K expressed her heart. What a treat to see into her heart. What a worry too. I cast my cares and pray that K and L can too, because you care for us. Tiddely-pom.