The house that Jack built

I’ve wanted a corner-store before, still would have one if it came along – selling cute kitchen things, good food and cafenated beveragesr!
When we moved to our new town, I refered to the house that we owned and had left, the ‘house of pain’. I usually said it in jest but it was the truth.
I had been thrown off a table there, attacked infront of my children, I’d been lied too for over two years and other saddy kind of things. It was painful. But it was also a house that I had dreamt about. It was unusual to own a big house (5 bedrooms) on some land, amidst loads of houses newly built but with no land. I had dreamt of having somewhere with a bit of grass for the kids to play ‘bat-down-cricket’ and hide’n’seek. It was that kind of house. Yes it definitely needed a lot of work, but there was hope for the home that we were building together.
Our house, the house on pooh corner, is up for sale now. We are selling that dream. Well part of the dream and part of it hurts. I’m glad, real glad that we will be rid of it, one less thing to worry about. But it feels a bit sore too. Thinking about what it represented and what it could represent. Saying goodbye to the house of pain and the dreamy house makes me feel a little tender.
Again, again and again I can see the hand of God and I can feel that call to follow Him through this rough stuff. I am called to trust what I don’t see and to trust Him with my fears. I am finding it’s like taking a breath when you haven’t stopped for a few hours for whatever ‘busy’ reason. Oh yeah, I need to just stop and take a moment or a breath. I start to fret a little or to worry and then I’m reminded to take a breath, to trust and move on. That verse in the Bible about not worrying about tomorrow as it will take care of itself, is such a simple and clever one!

Ps 131
1 God, I'm not trying to rule the roost, I don't want to be king of the
mountain.
I haven't meddled where I have no business
or fantasized grandiose plans.

2 I've kept my feet on the ground,
I've cultivated a quiet heart.
Like a baby content in its mother's arms,
my soul is a baby content.

3 Wait, Israel, for God. Wait with hope.
Hope now; hope always!

Arriving and moving on by Ernesto Cardenal

God's call, vocation, is twofold. God calls us saying, 'Come and follow me.' We arrive and then we must follow. We find but must go on seeking. God's call is a never-ending call, to the unknown, to adventure, to follow him in the night, in solitude. It is a call incessantly to go further, and further. For it is not static but dynamic (as creation is also dynamic) and reaching him means going on and on. God's call is like the call to become an explorer; it is an invitation to adventure.



On a lighter note, I’m wearing skinny jeans – I’ve arrived with the fashion! It cracks me up – I’m doing something I swore I’d never do. I kind of think that fashion nowadays is usually typical for only the skinny ones of us, so I’ve kept away from certain fashion items. But I gave it a go, after good consideration, and I don’t look too bad. At least in the dark!




Here is something really really nice to enjoy. As well as not wearing skinny jeans, I’ve never made sticky date, or any kind of date pudding thing. Dates – ewwww yuck. When a friend and I were making dessert recently for a special ocassion, she suggested this recipe with some poached pears. Amazing. Divine. A taste sensation.

Sticky Date pudding
1 ½ C chopped pitted dates
1 C boiling water
1 t baking soda
100g butter, chopped
¾ C brown sugar
2 eggs
1 C self-raising flour
cream to serve

toffee sauce
150g butter, chopped
1 C cream pouring cream
1 ½ C brown sugar

Preheat oven to 180. Place dates, water and soda in a bowl and allow to stand for 5 minutes. Place the mixture in the bowl of a food processor with the butter and sugar and process until well combined. Add the eggs and flour and process until just combined. Pour into a lightly greased tin lined with non-stick baking paper.
Bake for 35 min or until cooked when tested with a skewer. Cool in the tin for ten min. Cut into squares.
To make the sauce, place ingred in saucepan over medium heat and stir until butter is melted. Bring to the boil and cook for 5 minutes or until thickened slightly.

eggs in my head

Holidays come and you sometimes don’t even realize how much you needed them. We just headed away for a few days and had a fab time. The change of scenery, the adventure of the unknown, the new environment, was all bliss. Loved it a lot! Didn’t think I’d love it that much. I love the surprises in life.
We were tripping around places that d and I had many connections, places where we had made memories, celebrated peoples 21sts, mini putt and bowling (I remember getting my first, and possibly only, hole in one!), one anniversary celebrated there with a night in a flash inn and dinner out somewhere lavish, holidays with friends there over many years.
The memories or flashbacks were kind of a surprise too. I felt if I thought too long about them, I’d be sad on the wee holiday. But to name them for what they were has been a good thing. I miss him. Or I miss having ‘someone’. When I looked at the pig and her family at the wee farm we visited, I thought of how we are all feeding pigs at sometime in our life. I just wished d hadn’t walked from me to feed pigs. I felt that loneliness again of doing a holiday without the sense of proper (in my own mind), ‘family’.



Stephanie Dowrick says ‘At the core of loneliness often lies a fear of abandonment, usually experienced as a fear that the loneliness---the feeling of not being wanted by someone, of not being recognized, or understood, or sought after, or appreciated---will go on forever. No rescuer will come. And behind the fear of abandonment is something else: a lack of trust in your own self. Do I exist in any meaningful way? Does my existence matter?’
To be over it (my marriage dissolving) or saying “I’m OK” is fine. Time is healing and God is healing. I do think how nice it’d be if he had gone on holiday with us, if he walked back into our lives after feeding the pigs for a rather long time.
Weird how nice it is to have friendly conversations of recent with him, It could turn at any moment, yet loving, really loving the reminder of how nice it was to be in relationship with Him. My friend, my companion, my husband.
So much in our world, but so far gone now.
Part of our dreams but now apart of them
Provider of our needs, now taker
Lover, now kind of enemy.
Weird – messes with my head, yet again.
And then I read in God’s word, how David had a chance to kill Saul many times yet he held this honor towards him and did not. Saul was deserving of some kind of ‘beating’ from David indeed, but David chose the high road – “As God lives, either God will strike him, or his time will come and he’ll die in bed, or he’ll fall in battle, but God forbid that I should lay a finger on God’s anointed.’ Wow
This is a very scrambled blog of a very scrambled eggs in my head. But more and more I’m Ok with the scrambledness realizing God brings stuff to the light and it’s OK for it to sit there and not be solved right away. Somewhere in the mist of the darkness where the light shines, God uses people, his word, creation and other things to help me see more clearly. I am maturing glady, in my response to situations. I think!
Henri Nouwen – Make the conscious choice to move the attention of your anxious heart away from the waves and direct it to the one who walks on them and says, “It’s me. Don’t be afraid.’ …..
What might happen if I shifted my attention away from the waves and to the One who walks on them? What concrete thing could I do to help redirect my attention and not worry about what is gone, my loss?

I am loving the kind men who help out in our life! They are just incredibly amazing. The girls loved recently having a ride on this dear 'daddy' friend's back. He had chopped firewood while he and his wife and kids visited, gave us loads of stuff and let the kids use him as a horse!
The acts of kindness layer some kind of precious 'daddy' loving in my own heart. Having known the loss of a father at such a young age, i am so mindful of my own kids loss. I am thankful for any effort made by kind friends to show tugs-of-war or daddy-games to my girls.
K decided to climb a steep cliff on our recent holiday. She is a great climber but got to the top and couldn't go any further - ahhhh i had my fancy boots on, my mum (61 years old) offered to climb the great hill and halfway up she got stuck. Two beautiful men came to the rescue and saved my child and mother! It seems simple stuff, but these are layers for me, of God's goodness and his grace to us in our lack. Thank you Daddy God.

End of term party - ya whoooooo!

It came! The girls invited one friend each (our house is rather tiny), we ate - cheezles, lollies, decorated cupcakes, chocolate fondue, had a treasure hunt, made lolly bracelets, played musical statues and other fun games and ended with our favourite family movie about Swiss people getting shipwrecked!
It was pure delight. What traditions will our kids remember?
Hopefully loads.

tears and questions

Sobs were coming out from L tonight. I wish that daddy lived with us. Why did you have to leave? When will he come and live with us?
These are hard q to answer but worth having a shot at with my girls. We discussed them briefly (as they were so tired and a little under the weather). We will have to process them some more over the next few days I’m thinking, but the truth was able to be shared at an age-appropriate level.
“Daddy chose that he didn’t want to live with mummy anymore and I am so sorry but I don’t know if Daddy will ever come and live with us. BUT (there is always a but – it is very necessary most of the time I’m thinking!) let’s remember the good things that our God says”. So we did. There are still questions and there are definitely worries. BUT He is our Redeemer and He is our only hope.
My favourite of all favourite men and preachie type people, preached on divorce on Sunday. So glad it was him saying the stuff he said. Divorce. The D word. Doesn’t even rhyme with anything!
Wasn’t sure how I’d cope with hearing about it but was intrigued and had a sense that all would be OK. I love that preparatory sense that God gives.
A few things I got from it – God’s boundaries and his heart for it are narrow so they protect the very thing that God has designed. They are meant to not help us run away from marriage but to turn to God and others for help.
We tend to handle our ‘situations’ on our own but as believers we can and should do it together in community.
I loved the way he worked through the bible and exeggeted the scripture well so we understood the time and place where Jesus and Matthew and Paul (1 Cor) were talking from. It was interesting and it was gracious. It wasn’t black and white and as a congregation we were encouraged that it never was.
Lastly he finished talking about the woman at the well who had 5 husbands. Jesus showed such grace to her. He didn’t judge. He helped and loved.
That was a great reminder of who He is and how we can be encouraged to act out his love in ‘community’. I haven’t given this guys preach much justice on paper, as I thought it was awesome. But it’s good for me to get down my small and various thoughts on it.
Wonder what our future holds? Wonder what it looks like and what is around that next big corner? Sometimes it’s best not even to wonder. Live each day, step by step. Live it with Him.

another tiddely-pom

The more it snows - tiddely-pom
The more it goes - tiddely-pom
the more it goes - tiddely-pom
on snowing
And nobody knows - tiddely-pom
how cold my toes - tiddely-pom
how cold my toes - tiddely-pom
are growing.

It's certainly cold. It's certainly nippy around the edges.
I shouldn't be amazed at how much fun can still be had in this weather.
The girls stayed home from school today and we lay in bed watching our fav movie of the month (thank you Disney for Swiss Family Robinson!), got up at lunch and had fun doing adventures while trying to keep warm. It was a delicious day.
It ended with a few cool things too - chicken pie and potato stretch (thanks caz for this bad habit!) for tea and our tradition of reading by the fire before bed. We are reading 'The house at pooh corner'. It's quite lovely and rather funny too.
Anyway before we read the next chapter, the girls wanted to have turns at singing the tiddely-pom rhyme pooh had made up. they had turns and then the creative edge i sometimes have, leapt out. "Let's pray using tiddely-pom". It felt as crazy as it sounds but the girls went for it and our prayer time was a 'cracker', considering one of them had just said "I hate praying!" Love the honesty.
It was hillarious, we laughed, we were honest with God, we had fun. He is so into that!
The coolest thing as well is that even though it's cold, and we've run out of fire wood, we saw our prayers answered (from weeks of praying and trusting). We have some firewood coming on Wenerei. Ye ha i say!
The last thing where my creative juices are needing to run is this: K commented today, just out of the blue, that she needed to do another heart for our banner in the hall. "I'm worried mum. I worry about something..... I worry about you and daddy not being together, in the dark."
My poor darling. We had a talk about it briefly, but it's in my mind and verses and ideas are popping into my mind to help. I think we (parents) always have to be aware of what's going on for our kids and always be ready (if not straight away) to process with them or help them on the right track to that.
We will have a poster making session and i'll make one on a great verse to help that will stir conversation and then we'll add our worries to the heart banner. Sounds like a plan anyway. Thank you my God that you are with Us in our pain. Thank you that you care about these wee hearts. Thank you that K expressed her heart. What a treat to see into her heart. What a worry too. I cast my cares and pray that K and L can too, because you care for us. Tiddely-pom.

Pizza night is Fri at our friends house. They are amazing at creating memories and we love joining them for pizza night. Well everyone does except Liv. She hates Pizza. I am a little embarrassed about this and often comment that she just needs to eat it.
But Karen, bless her, told me today that she wants to make it a cool time for liv coming to their place. I had told her not to do anything extra (as I thought a good mother should model – eat it or have nothing!) but Hugh heads out to get sausage rolls. I was so encouraged. What a cool and gracious thing to do for my sweet girl, so she really enjoys going to their place. On Fri pizza night!
Moments like this teach us something about life. I hope I’m that cool when other kids come to our place.
We are having an end of term party. The girls are allowed to invite one friend but I’ve promised they can invite more when we move to a bigger place. K has chosen a new friend from school and L has chosen her friend, the boy. We are going to have chocolate fondue (a new passion of ours which we would like to devour more than we should!) and probably pop corn and some other food, some games and then we’ll watch Swiss Family Robinson together. I guess I am creating some traditions. We did this last year but I’d forgotten to keep it up. Hoping to do it traditionally. A celebration at the end of the school term.
Sometimes it’s just so nice to create a reason to celebrate something. Anything actually. We had some delicious girls for t this week. I had suggested we have a mid-winter Christmas dinner. We had a roast lamb, half cooked lemon meringue cheesecake, wine and pinecone name-place tags. It was so nice. We do life with these wonderful women but haven’t done a special special dinner for them before. It was so cool.
I’m glad this term is nearly over. I’m a bit sick of making school lunches and having to sign reading books. I’m looking forward to the break of routine and the sleep-ins, hopefully!
I am a bit sick of the cold house. The fire wood is almost gone and I worry about that. The car is due it’s warrant and I worry about that. Not sure if it will get one in the state it’s in. Worried about our house selling slowly as opposed to speedily and concerned we’ll loose a lot of money. I’m often worried about what my future looks like, what our future looks like. I’m sometimes worried with the bills that turn up.
And then I remember to go ………… “These are my worries Daddy God. I give them to You. Help me to live day by day, trusting in You. It’s gonna be all OK”
Ahhhh that’s better.

my dad.

Hi Dad
I do need to do this much better another day, but i am just reminded of the date, right now sadly.
A crazy date.
Only mum and i generally remember it.
You died 24 years ago. Boy i'm old and boy that was yonks ago.
Love u, miss you a flippin lot.
me

The road of great and not-so-great things.

Making and eating rocky road that had biscuit in it, rather than lots of red fruit. Yum man.

Liv confessing to kissing her friend Josh, in his bedroom. She’s 5. It was his suggestion this time. A pleasant surprise.

Feeling Ok with the knowledge about myself, in my vulnerable state. Being ok with just knowing it and not having any particular answers.

Learning that disullussionment comes from having an original illusion. Not necessarily coming from reality. Interesting.

Watching ‘The proposal’ at the movies with my mum this week, amongst many other good ones recently. Oh definitely a highlight was watching ‘Swiss family Robinson’ today with my girls. It was delightful, wonderful and so great for my memory bank. Loved watching the trees falling down the bank to knock the pirates out.

Smoked chicken being on special.

Getting two bottles of wine given to me this week and loads of generous friends buying me coffee. I am so grateful.

Having a gut-wrenching, argumentative talk with the husband who is not wanting to be one. That situation turning around (through prayers and sensible thinking!) with quiet, calm, sensibly explained scenarios, with apologies, some jokes even and a promise of the beloved trampoline being returned one day soon. A miracle. A heart wrench. A good move on the chess board of our lives.

Making cake for a café manager and his family. It being received so gratefully. That was cool.

Realising I need to be home more, to just be. I’m out like all the time, which I love, but thinking I’m a bit tired and need to rest up a bit in my delicious home.

Enjoying ringing friends and having them stay. It’s been a bless!

Painting nails. I love new nail colours. One recent one is called ‘cherries in the snow’. It’s divine.

Having Lindt chocolate is for sure one of the greatest things one could devour.

Thinking about making soup. Finding great recipes for soup. Not yet making that soup. Will it be soup for my soul or just my tum?

Starting a cook book club. Finally. My idea, my crazy idea, come to pass.

Needing our house to sell. So glad we have a God who hears our prayers and also who loves to surprise us out of our socks. May my socks be knocked off!

I have an assignment due in two weeks. Not having read the book yet that the essay and practical assignment is on, I’m feeling a little like ahhhhhhh flip!

Some great movie’s I’ve also enjoyed – The Guardian, Confessions of a Shopaholic, Marley and me, Easy virtue, Last chance Harvey, A stealing movie with Julia Roberts and Clive Owen (can’t recall the name), 21, He’s just not that into you, ………..

There are more things to say apart from feeling rather bad for not having blogged for absolute ages! We are doing this unit at our kids church on how loved and accepted we are by God, our maker. And since that unit has begun I’ve had several ‘words’ about how God has not forgotten me and how he loves me, from friends who have no idea about our current topic. Simple yet poignant reminders. Then today, out of the blue, arrives a book from my sister’n’law, on how captivating I am to Him. Emmmmm, what is He trying to say to me?

beam me up

The girls and I often pray or have dinner without the lights on and some other form of light. We have these awesome twinkly lights in a vase which are so groovy. We have a number of exciting candles and lighting them is so much fun for us. Sometimes before we roast marshmallows on our open fire, I get the girls to look at the light and talk about how Jesus is the Light of the World and how he brings light to our darkness. Light is fascinating. Light is illuminating. Light is very needed.
This past week or two has been rather dark and then suddenly a light has shone in on my darkness. I love that! I feel alive, I feel honest and I feel free-er. I am so grateful for the way God shines his light on the truth of our hearts. It talks a bit in the bible about walking in the light and that is what I feel I’ve experienced – a bit of illumination. I’m currently very OK (which has pleasantly surprised me) with the current switch that has come on. Everything is not all fixed but it’s out in the open for me, so I’m aware that God is doing something. I have some words that would describe what is going on in my heart, but that I can’t almost put sentences too. And that’s OK too. It has been a raw week or two, yesterday was the date of what would have been our ten year anniversary, someone showing interest in me which even though that is nothing really, it did bring up some big-as issues for me. It’s been crazy emotionally and for my poor wee mind, but it’s been good. Freaky how one can say that.
I did catch up with a lovely new friend yesterday, and for some reason she launched straight into the fact that sometimes life is really painful and that that’s OK. That was right where I was at and it was good to hear someone else say it. She is trying to teach her kids that lesson too, right from the word go. We will fall over, we will get hurt and that is just a part of the life that we live.
So the words that are at the forefront of my mind at the mo are: ‘Disillussionment’, ‘perfect world’, ‘abandonment’. Those are the lights that have come on for me. Not sure entirely what to do with the knowledge of them, but they are shining brightly and I’m open to what God would say and do in this next wee while.
Some cool things this week – L (5 years) wanted to give me a married kiss, which apparently is where one tilts their head to the side and the other places their lips on top and they kiss. She insisted we get married right then and there by doing the tilted angle marriage kiss. Delicious. Only she erupted in tears when I laughed at how cute it was. So we needed to talk a little more about what marriage meant – it’s not only the lop-sided kiss at the ceremony that makes the marriage! Later in the week they both confessed, very quickly, that L had kissed a boy at school (not the marriage kiss, just a cheek!). I laughed again and was able to find out all the juicy info! L told me she didn’t want to go to dad’s last night and she wanted me to know she was ‘serious’. “I’m serious mum”. A delicious friend gave me a generous voucher to spend at a lovely fav shop in the city, so I had something else to think about rather than my anniversary that wasn’t really one at all! Thank you friend. I appreciate the texts and calls from friends acknowledging this dumb kind of day. People are amazing to us. I thank God for my friends. A delicious one turned up on Fri, the ten-year day of remembrance, and made me completely forget about it at all. We had such a lovey time going out for lunch and catching up on our crazy lives. I loved being with you Abby. You are so nice.
I do remember a song from growing up, which after singing it as many times as we did, it grew rather tiresome. Shine Jesus Shine. I laugh as I think about it, as it ended up being an annoying song. But I thank you Jesus, for the bulbs that you turn on in my life. You are the light of the world. Thanks for shining on the deepness of my heart.

finding meaning in the pain?

So the story continues, this time a little more dramatic from the drama queen herself. I do have to make a constant note to myself at the mo: This blog is good for me and it is a page for me to get my thoughts out, regardless of what anyone may think. It is something that has given me scope for my processing. I’m hoping I can keep being as real as the air I breathe and the pain I feel and the joy I experience, as I write.
The whole great experience of the ‘chat’ lasted euphorically for me for a few days but then began to fill my mind constantly, I mean like every second. What would I say if ….? How would I behave if ….? The boundaries of my heart were being pushed and I could sense God was amongst it all, no matter how painful it was getting. A few days later I was meeting a mentoree at a café, the same café I go all the time, and as I walked in, there she was, and there he was! Ahhhhhh. We had a chat and then I sat with my friend to do chatting. Except it was all of me chatting (I’m supposed to be listening to her and hearing her heart!) and I’m saying: “ahhhh I want to go out with that guy” and we talked about the boundaries in that with being who I was and where I was at at the mo. She, little to her own understanding, said the best thing she could have said, all while I was thinking about going to this guys work and asking him if he would want to have coffee. I had got so desperate in my own head, that I was contemplating taking control of the whole situation, almost so I could put an end to the constant mind chatter I’d been having. I cried like a baby as she made her suggestion, in such a gentle and kind way to her wiser (?), older, blubbering friend. “Do you think you should ring Ma and Pa D?” As I was crying, not even answering her, I text Ma to say I was in a bad way and needed to come round.
I felt instantly like the war in my mind had been stopped and that sense had arrived for a moment.
I had a wonderful, tearful, deep time with these people. My dear older and wiser friends. They suggested that something was going on for me and that even in the middle of all of my pain, I could find meaning in it. And they will help me walk through that. They recognized I’m really vulnerable at the mo, they recognize that I was being honest even if no one wants to hear what my heart truly wants to do. I explained to them that I feel lost in a world of couples, lonely from the company of a man. This guy made me feel so special for one moment and it lit a fire of something way bigger. The tension for me is also not just that I’m single, but still married but that I need to know in some way that God still walks with me, if I choose to have a coffee or something with this guy.
I don’t want to light something that I can’t put out. But I will acknowledge the gap and the pain that is there, from the loss of a males company and affection and adoration. In all of this I’m pretty honest with my friends. This is hard. This is painful and I’m not in a good way. I want to do what I feel like, which may not necessarily be the wisest thing to do. And today I’m OK with that, because I’m being honest, I’m saying where my heart is at. I’m not sure if others are so OK with my pain, but I’m OK with it and that it may take a little to wrestle with it. I’m having some time with Pa this week and that will be good.
I took a drive yesterday to visit a beautiful friend. It ended with her and I putting our children in the car, and her praying for me, in the rain, under a tree. I felt sheltered and protected and loved by God, in the presence of her humble prayer and her lingering hug. It was a little bit of God, in the middle of my storm and I appreciated it so much. Thanks u

The chat of all chats

I never thought this chat would ever happen. I had fantacised about it, mostly (funnly enough) that my first move would be to shake his hand. Weird, so formal of me and if I look back I wouldn’t have done that.
It was after a rather emotional weekend of lonliness and deep sadness. It was a walk that turned miserable as it was pouring, I was texting some friends to do dinner with me and that was an organizational nightmare, plus when I arrived at the new ‘fresh’ supermarket to check it out, I was soaked and looking rather ragged. And then I saw him. The guy that had been kind at the café, the one that I had thought “oh he looks nice”. I didn’t know what to do, so I kept walking into the supermarket, forgetting what I was there for but making no eye contact with anyone apart from the bananas. Next thing, I stopped. He was right beside me with his workmate, wanting to meet. It was a freaky surprise.
Hi, he said
Hi, I said, I’m Sarah, shaking their hands as they introduced themselves. Next time no shaking of hands. I am a natural conversationalist (sometimes to my demise!) so the conversation started:
Work, family, what I was doing here in palmy (after they asked), what they did in palmy, some interesting conversation re marriage break-ups (quite deep for a first conversation), good coffee and me ending by saying I’d better go and get my ‘free coffee’.
It was so nice. I’d love for it to happen again. Mostly because it made me feel so darn special and lovely. He was a mature (intellectual, good conversationalist, showed some compassion for loss of his friend and myself) and great looking guy. It was a gesture that surprised me beyond my wildest dreams – I don’t think I’ve had a guy come up to me before and be friendly, no demands or crazy whisperings in my ear, just general getting to know-ya kind of talk.
I felt like a million dollars. Is it OK for me to blog about this? I find it hard to know but it’s in my head and I need to get this kind of stuff out of my head and onto paper for me to see more clearly. Will people think I’m naughty for having these thoughts or having had this conversation? I don’t know and it probably doesn’t matter.
What is going on here is simple: me feeling special and of some value. What needs to go on in me from here: I think a continual acknowledgement that I want my heart to be stirred by a noble theme (Ps 45), whether I saw this person ever again or not.

The girls sang in a concert with their junior choir recently. It was amazing to watch them and so funny. I loved it. My ma was there too and i thought how great it was to have 3 generations of choir 'goers' in the same room. I wasn't ever sure if the girls would like being in a choir, so the risk paid off. The girls thrived in their performance showing attentiveness to detail and a connection with the audience too, all while trying to remember truck loads of verses! I was one proud mumma bear.
Prior to the concert i embarked on some emotional journeying with them. this was crazy considering the time limit but there was no more time before the next day to do so, as they were leaving to stay with dad.
I had considered the violent roars of their hearts in the previous time and wanted to somehow encourage them with the constant processing that they have to do. I am hurting for them. I am worried for them. I hate what they are experiencing. Anyway we made a wash line for our wall, kind of like a banner. I had some red hearts where they wrote their worries on them, as did i. I had shared the verse about casting our cares upon the Lord and so we began, artistically, casting our own. It always surprises me how keen the girls are, with my crazy ideas. Their worries were genuiene and heart felt. As we pegged them on the line, we read our last ones together, as an offering. God we give our worries to you.......
K suggested we could add to this whenever we needed, the girls knew that the line would remind me to pray when they were away, we are going to make a heading for our banner which will add to the 'gold nugget' i'm trying to impart.
I have been feeling quite agro, angry, mad or hateful (just to name a few describing words). I am guessing that it's just that i'm particularly sad and feeling like i'm broken in half. So i'm trying in my own way to process that with a line of my own. I visited Wellington on Saturday where i remember so many diff places that connect me with d. It was a painful walk in that city. This whole thing is annoying me so much. The breaking of a family, the trust broken, the confusion added to one already 'crazy walk' that we live, the identity crisis, the pain of not knowing where your future is, the rejection, the financial loss and concern, the dramatic change of life, is not good stuff. I certainly get that God is with me all through this, i couldn't do it without Him. Even though, i'm angry. or is just plain old sad?
Elizabeth Barrett Browning -
Earth's crammed with heaven
And every common bush afire with God,
But only he who sees, takes off his shoes -
The rest sit round it and pluck blackberries.

ending the holidays

I've loved these holidays, mostly for the change of routine and not having to make school lunches! It's been incredibly sunny all of the holidays and i've been in awe of that, considering last year it was very freezing!
I have been particularly emotional today. I'm putting it down to a tiring week with the conference i was at and also having to repeat the same answers to "how are you doing?"! the girls had a topsy turvey week as i imagined. They went to d's house for quite a few nights and my mum's and then spent the weekend at d's. As i said goodbye again on Fri, they tried to run away from teh car i was trying to put them into. They screamed and cried and didn't want to go. The things i had taught them regarding what to do in topsy turvey times, kind of flew out the window, well so i thought!
We'd talked about different ways to handle the feelings that they may be going through during this last week. but it came down to them feeling like it was just too much and they needed to react to it, rather than respond. Fair enough i say. they are so young and hardly mature enough to respond with their hearts as opposed to their bodies, each flippin time this happens. So K said some mean things to me and as i let her go, i only remember her tossing her head away saying: "just do what you have to do", with a very angry look. Ahhhhh it killed me inside and i cried rivers as i drove away. I felt so powerless to rescue my little ones from this awful pain.
So today comes and i'm wondering what to do. I'll just leave the conversation till tomorrow, perhaps when they have settled back into life at their normal home. The first thing K did when she jumped out of daddy's car was run to me, wanting a 'private conversation'. I've never heard her ask for that before. I was intrigued and slightly scared at what it may be about!
"i'm sorry mum, I'm so sorry. I've been thinking about it the whole time i've been away and how i've wanted to say sorry to you. I couldn't stop thinking about it but couldn't ring you as i didn't think i would be allowed to have any privacy to talk to you. I've missed you mum and i'm so glad i'm home." As she sat on the loo later, "oh mum i missed our lovely home". And again at dinner, some heartwarming conversation.
this was way better than i expected. I love that about God. He is full of surprises and the seeds that are sown, truly do produce fruit. Thank you God for this holiday. i anticipated the hardness of it and fully expected it to be terrible when away from the girls, but it has been a blessing.
A good ending to the holidays. Thank you to my lovely friends for the great times over these last two weeks. Love ya.

the holidays of April

A beautiful baby has been born, two actually! loads of fantastic friends have been visited, a dinner party out with gorgeous friends, organising functions with another, planning future events with some and playing loads of games with the girls. Sleeping in even, hearing bad news and good, seeing relatives, having smoke alarms going off, making pikelets and feijoa loaf.
The holidays are bliss.
Going to the library, hearing chit chatter through the window while hanging washing out, the sun shining - i am in love with that in the April holidays! Having concerts, eating chocie eggs, talking to a psychologist about parenting and learning some valueable hints, drinking late's and enjoying every mouthful with whatever friend i'm with. The holidays are such a great idea. Whoever made them up needs to be thanked!
The weather is something i'm truly thankful for. ive felt the warmth of the sun when i've expected the coldness. I nearly melted the other day when i wore a merino on the hottest day in the world, with no change of clothing available! I still was glad of the sun that day. I am thankful for the insightful conversations i've had, the hardish questions from friends i've needed to answer which are helping me process the place my heart is in at present. Thank you my friends. You are like champion cheerers who never give up caring or cheering. I love laughing and crying and doing life with you. Even if you live far away, you are the 'still waters' i enjoy so much.
Thank you my girls for the cuddles and the cards, for the insightful conversations and dances we have together. Can you please sing me wobbly tooth again? i'm not sure i'll ever be sick of you both screeching, i mean singing that song to me. I love it how you organise breakfast most mornings for me now. i appreciate that so much, as i whisk through the house crazily doing other important chores!
I will miss you next week, when you stay a few days away from me. You make me smile so much.

happy birthday young buck!

I know this is a week-ish early, but Happy birthday my lovely friend.
It's been such a great year getting to know you more and having you in my life.
You are a great friend: a wonderful wealth of handy advice, cooking skill and budget-skill-shopping! You have been a pleasant surprise! You've chopped trees down for me, fixed gadgets for me, set me up with technologies that only a 'nerd' could achieve, laughed with me, prayed for me and even listened to my pity-party stories all whilst encouraging me to budget more wisely using weekly auto payments!
What a gal!
I am so greatful for you, God has blessed me with your company.
I am encouraged by you and challenged by you.
I love you my friend.
Happy birthday for the 24th! Hope to see you that day and to do more life together in this next year!
PS you are going to be the best nurse in town!
(I'm away this week so no blogging for a bit sorry!)

playing around with photos .....

the elephant in the room

I often talk about my 20’s and how great they were. I enjoyed flatting, even flatting by myself, having a job and spending that money on whatever I chose, hanging out with friends and traveling the country with them in our crazy cars or on more luxurious flights. Going to 21sts, engagement parties and weddings were included in those years. It was bliss . I encourage people who are in their 20’s to do the same – enjoy them. No mortgage perhaps, not quite yet married, a special time after leaving home. A special kind of freedom. It wasn’t a freedom I abused I don’t think and that’s why I have such great feelings about it.
I feel like I’m in my 20’s again, with some extra carry-on-luggage. I can’t come and go as I please, as I have two lovelies to look after but there are other ways where I feel like I am. Except I’m 35.
I’m kind of not sure what I want to say about this, how I feel about it. I love it in some ways – the freedom to do what I want, with it’s limits. Spending my money on what I want – not having to consider another one or be accountable to him. Choosing to watch or do whatever I want in the evenings when the little ones are asleep, not having to consider anyone but myself. Being able to be quiet or loud. Being able to be myself.
But I do feel this tug of war within myself: The desire to be connected wholeheartedly with another and also the enjoyment of doing life myself at the moment. I can’t imagine what it will be like to join up again with another. But I desire that. It scares me to think that I like doing things in the quiet of my own company so much and that it works out pretty well most of the time. Will I enjoy my independence too much and not want to get dependent again? I think the answer is no but I feel it strongly. I also feel very strongly the surging desire to be loved by someone. Am I able to wait and trust? I can’t strongly answer that question at the moment.
I was told that this really nice looking chap, who I don’t know at all, looked me up and down. I was flattered and excited in a girly kind of way. Wow, I have those girlie emotions still at play. Hillarious but scary. Thoughts of a man (I have only said a few words too, once) are filling my mind. It annoys me but it also makes me feel valued and excited about the adventure of the unknown.
In the Bible, Adam named the animals as part of the process of obtaining dominion over them. Can I do this? Name my ‘hidden creatures’? Being perfectly honest with myself I feel the pull of independence that I’m in and how I could make wrong choices and not have to tell a soul. That scares me a little. It scares me a lot. Would I be flattered enough to go on a date with a ‘random’, not having to share that with anyone if I chose not too? I feel that I could do that. I’ve always been a good girl (in my own opinion!).
So my big questions, to ask of myself are these, again probably: What are you trying to show me God and am I willing to be shown? Can I trust you God, with my future or am I going to go along with some of these strong emotions I am feeling? Why do I have these emotions – what is the deepest vulnerability of my heart at this moment? Can I face that and can I hand it to you God?
I need to ‘fess’ this up to someone that is a solid friend and possibly of the male species. I actually need a ‘daddy’ friend to share this with and to ask him to pray with me. The café where I normally see this random really nice looking chap, was where I went today with some friends (I do go there most days). He wasn’t there, But the Manly Man friend who is like a ‘dad’ to me, was. It was like these neon arrows pointing from God: “Hello sarah, here is the one I have provided for what you need.”
I laugh at the surprises of God in my life. This Godly Daddy man was busy, but I know what I need to do. Thank you God for friends. Thank you God for your interest in my silly girlish notions. Thank you for helping me to be brave and face my fears.
I figure I will be naming some of my animals in the next few days. At least i've begun to name the elephant in my room.
(the photos – I’ve wanted to dry hydrangers for yonks but have no tree. I asked a young fellow who was renting a place with heaps of these beauties, if I could steal some. He was so oblidging he even left me scissors for my return! The Feijoas were the same – some uni students who were leaving them all over their lawn. I asked, I received.)

the candlelabra

Not sure if that's how it's spelt, but we have one of sorts.
I got it in London for 7 pounds down from 25 and it was a beauty. Sadly it came home slightly wonky and i've tried hard with my strong arms, to bend it back, but it remains a little wonky. a bit like me?
D's mum and step dad are in the country for a few months. For some reason, i just feel really invaded. I haven't even seen them, but i happen to be lucky enough to receive their regular 'updates' and that prob heightens my anxiousness. I feel overwhelmed at their pending presence. and it feels jolly silly. They are lovely folks. Nice and cheery. They haven't left me, but not being in contact with them or part of their current world, is a loss. I say i don't care but I do care that they get to do life with my babies for the next few months.
As i was contemplating that over dinner tonight (spaghetti on toast and banana yoghurt of all things!), i knew i needed to do something to help myself. So i asked the girls what they thought their God would be saying to them a year on (from last time we did this) or where he would be standing for them, or what he would be doing. They pondered for a few moments and k said "I know! He says when your daddy's not here, I am your daddy. It's a bit silly but......" No that was not silly I explained, that was something that is even written in the bible. She talked a bit about the boy in her class who has no daddy at all. She was finding compassion for him even. L said God was standing infront of us.
As we were talking i was glad we were where we were - letting our feelings out and reminding ourselves who God is. So next i introduced the candellabra (?) with the new candles we had bought for it today. As i lit the candles (daylight shining through the windows still) I explained that we were going to use it to help us pray today. i needed to explain that we weren't going to pray about the weather but about Daddy and our feelings etc. I started, praying quickly at each candle by pointing. sounds religious but it was way more of a 'helpful' aid in praying, that would hopefully remind them of it in the future. Then k prayed: "Bring daddy here Lord, Bless the family we had lunch with today and ............ (she kept mostly to topic!). L prayed, in her 'all-over-the-place' fashion, that God would heal daddy where he might be hurt, that he would not go to work anymore (so he could move to us - d has told them that he can't live with us as he has to work in the city!) and that God would help us light good fires this year and grow good veges.
I felt much better. The girls enjoyed themselves and strengthened me in their own journeying.
A good ending to the day. now off to make some salad as i hate spaghetti on toast!

blank canvas

If there was a photo with todays writing, it would be of a blank canvas.
sometimes i hate a blank canvas, sometimes i love them.
I would love to have a stash of them so if i was ever inspired to paint something fabulous, then i could. but at other times i hate the thought of having a stack of them because i know i'd feel the pressure to do something with them.
My mind really does feel blank some days and particularly this last few months.
I feel bad that i haven't written a lot, i just literally have had no thought of what to write.
I am having lots of interesting times full of joy and question, full of stress and laughter. But my canvas feels a bit blank.
I think that is because i've been worried about what i'm doing this year and feeling a litlte guilty that i'm not getting a 'real job'. It's a bit weird doing 'nothing' (which really means school drop-off, shopping for food, washing, cooking, baking, washing, vacumning and more of that, walking and drinking coffee plus the ocassional deep thoug/revelation or movie watch!). I actually feel quite good about doing the things i'm doing, but it does feel a bit like nothing, when people ask what i'm doing. I feel like a bit of a slacker, yet i know it's amazing having a year (a 2nd year) where i'm finding out more about me and what gives me joy and where i'm giving myself some space to discover what this whole next season will find me doing. And yes, where being a 'mum' is the most important job.
So if i was to paint that canvas, it would probably be half one colour and the other half white. OR it would be a smile on one side and a q mark on the other. these pictures would represent the tension i feel where i'm happy to be waiting (discovering what really drives me with passion) and that waiting actually precedes a lot of good things (a butterfly coming out of it's final stage of crysalis) with the other side of that being "oh my goodness, what will i do when i actually have to get a job?" and Can i trust God in this waiting time or will i just go off and get a wee job so that i feel valuable to my world?
I am reading Dawn French's 'Dear Fatty'. She is rather funny and i like the concept she has used to write. She writes letters to people who were or are huge in her life, particularly her dad. She also writes to a few randoms like madonna and george clooney. It's quite funny but it's a fantastic way to get your feelings out i think. emmmm something to do - write some letters and perhaps not send them, but just use them to fill that canvas.
I love reading over letters that i've been given by friends and loved ones. they are so precious considering the age of 'email' that we are in. The girls write me letters sometimes. i love them. they write that they love me, even when i get mad and they write such funny wee things. Being a mum is crazy fun. crazy in that it drives me bonkers sometimes, but it's also crazy fun doing life with such little lovelies. The end, of the canvas writing for today. It's not so blank.