Lavish love

This is prob the last one, not that I’ve written many recently, that I’ll do until we are visiting London. And then I don’t even know what internet use I’ll get there! We leave in a week. Wowzers, so much to do. I’m really looking forward to being with my family. It represents closeness, acceptance, the bond of blood but also of love. I’m looking forward to what God may do through me but mostly what He will allow me to see and understand of Him. I feel it will be a great time away from the sad normality of our life this year, to hear from Him.
It’s a funny thing telling people we’re going. London sounds like a famous, fabulous place to be going. But truthfully the thing I’m most please about with our planned excursion, is to be with my family. I also feel a loss with going (this possibly sounds particularly selfish when first heard, but it’s the realness of my heart), that we aren’t going as a complete family. D won’t be with us. Yes it’s a wonderful and exciting opportunity. It also has a hint of emotion, of which I can’t quite express very well.
This last week we were all sick. That really sucked. But amongst it there were some cool things, like K serving us as L and I lay on the couch – she got us water and wrapped blankets over us etc. Very sweet.
Later that week I watched as 4 year old L was watching a movie. At the same time it amused me that she was able to balance herself on her drinkbottle while watching. So clever. K, the older one, told me the first swear word she had learnt. She said it slowly and with a slight bit of glee. I replied: if you ever say that again, you’ll have your mouth washed out with soap (or piri piri seasoning which a friend told me was a goodie!) and then I said “thank you so much for telling mummy about that”. It was a good moment of parenting – firm but also gracious, I think.
I hope to write a bit about what God has done this year for me, before 08 ends, but here is a glimpse of a blessing: 21 red roses, whoever gets given that amount? That’s what I keep thinking,. I did. I got given 21 red roses. I went out for coffee with the friend and florist later that week and said my thanks (words are hard to find with such lavishness). This new friend explained she had overordered, by a-lot and was asking God why. She felt to give them to me and to explain that God wanted to show his lavish love to you this way Sarah, and to remind you that He has not forgotten you. A few tears came. That was pretty special. Very special.

times fly

Today is a very dumb day. It shouldn’t be a very dumb day at all, but without expecting or thinking about it, it has become an Eeyore-black-rain cloud day. It’s one of those days where I feel a deep sadness come over me and I want to fix it by buying something (of which I have done) and/or eating something (of which I’m just enjoying a lemon muffin from the freezer full of long bits of rind). But as I drove along realizing my plight of black cloud-ness, I was again fully aware of the choice I had. I could turn my stuff over to God. So I cried, without too many words. For quite awhile I just let myself cry. I’m hoping this is a good sign of how far I’ve come, but there is still more melting of my face that is needed.
It’s funny (well not hilarious!) how stuff can just pop up and you’re like “ahhhhh, where did that come from?” It’s good timing I must believe, however annoying it may be.
Today is K’s birthday. And I’m a crazy mum. I love tradition, I love cake, I love present finding. But today we did it without D. We took our family photo with everyone in their pj’s on our bed, without d. He is always here for all this silly, crazy stuff. He video’s the present opening, he sets the camera up for the family photo on the bed and he writes in our special book that we have. He and I both write about all the amazing thoughts and feelings we have for K and then we stick the crazy family photo in. This year the photo will be of only the 3 of us and that makes me sad. Very sad today.
I love it how you can try to control everything and be all organized but when it comes to it, and the cracks show, you can fall face down again, realizing your need for God in your crazy world. I just do need you God, like a warm blanket on a cold night, like the glimpse of sun on a rainy day with a promise of what is to come, like gentle incredible peace that totally surpasses understanding. I am just here, sitting, being me and it hurts today. Other days are fine and lovely. But today is simply not. And I recognize my need for you God.
My precious K grace, I am so hopeful you won’t see mum’s face melting today, on your first day of being 6. You are an incredible young girl. You have a tremendously big heart, that has room for others and not just yourself. You openly confess God as someone you desire to know and to put first and that is so great. You make me think and you make me laugh. I love every part of you, the good and the rascally. The rascally parts just make me aware that you are normal and that you too struggle with being a human. I am so grateful for your prayers, your morning hugs, your special notes, the ideas that you have and your willingness to share your opinion. I trust that I can help you make the most of being 6 in this next year.
God bless my girl. Show her more of you and how to live through this season and into the next. Thank you for K. Thank you for your grace.
(i haven't blogged for ages and the great thing is, i am not feeling guilty! big stuff 4 me)

hard to resist invitations

Invites – I find them hard to get out I’ve realized. K is turning 6 next month and the date for her party is going to be the first day of that month! Ahhhhh only a week and a bit away. It has taken me awhile to get round to doing the invites. Partly because I feel nervous about having the party in a new place and with a whole lot of new peeps.
I think I’m lacking a bit of confidence even though I absolutely love parties and planning for them. I often say that we need any reason to have a celebration, whether with a few friends or a load. K is allowed to invite 5 to her party and that was a mammoth task. The names often changed up to the day of giving them out. I’m going to have an early party myself this year. We head away to London end of Nov and my birthday is nearer to Christmas. I remind myself that I want to have a party but it’s harder to get those invites out. I think I could pull the pin and not do it. But I kind of know that entertaining and having people enjoy themselves at my place, is very important to me. ‘Ahhhh I’m doing this on my own’ and ‘what if no-one wants to come?’ and ‘what will we do?’, are all q I am asking myself. Anyway once the invites are out – hope to do that this weekend, I’ll have to do it.
The last party I planned for myself was going to be amazing. But it turned out to be the most disasterous time of my life. Things with d had exploded, literally, and having a party thrown by me, for me wasn’t going to be possible. Actually d encouraged me too, at that time he was still in this marriage for the long haul. Good on him. A few girls and I went out for coffee and cake but it wasn’t the original plan.
Part of this whole party thing is reminding me of that particular time. Same time last year. But this year we are getting as far away from the memories as possible – London. Good move I’m thinking. I am so grateful to my family for this opportunity for the girls and i.
Over and above all this feeling of ahhhhhhh, I know in my heart and head that having a party, celebrating the memories of this year, with delicious friends (mostly new) who have prayed, given, loved and cheered me on, is a fab thing to do (long sentence sorry). Apart from deciding what to wear, no matter even what we eat, the path is obvious. Celebrate – look back on how far you’ve come, and look forward to great things around the corner. I’ve just talked myself into that party I think.
Today L said some great things. We rode our mobiles (me walking) to the local great park and had an ice cream there. L chose boysenberry but asked for poisonberry, as she thought it was pronounced that way. As we were eating them, I commented that I could see a peacock with it’s feathers out. She remarked that peacocks do lots of wees. What? She then told K and I that wees was the same as pee. The boys at preschool talk like that, she said. He he. Then she finished by saying she thought boys ate Boysenberry icecream. I liked her thinking about words.
Back to invites: God’s invitation is quite clear and he never has to think about whether he will write it or not. Come to me all who are thirsty and I will give you something to drink. He is so great. He is so not worried about inviting and it’s open to all, not just 5. I love your invite God.
Above are some flowers of colour that I adore, of flowers that have lifted my heart as I’ve walked. Only a few, but goodies. Don’t you love spring?

woodpigeon or kereru?

The preacher dude at church talked about different circumstances in his life where he had hurt himself (getting hit in the head with a branch, a nose break from a hockey stick!) and how he got restored. He then talked about our bodies and how our body represents Christ and the church. You could tell where he was going but again I am impressed how much I need to hear God’s word again and how it can be the same-ish message but I can still get so much from it. With each of his examples of brokenness, he said 2 things: It’s Ok to bleed (or break or get hit) and God is going to restore you. It was a simple and accurate reminder which sometimes is not heard in church – its OK to be sad and have down times. How we react is the key. I have been living that, this year – it was great to hear it up the front.
After talking with a dear friend today, I asked our girls a few simple q: What do you think God would say to a little girl? They replied: “I love you”. “You are doing great”. Next q: What do you think God would say to a little girl who had something sad happen? “Come to me”, said the 4 year old. “It’s OK”, said the 5 year old. Another q from mum: What do you think God would say to a lovely girl called …….. (their names were slotted in there)? They answered really nice things (I can’t recall them right now! Ahhhh my memory). And the last q was: Where do you think God is standing with you? “Right next to me”, was the answer from both girls.
Sometimes we need to picture where God is for us and also what he would be saying. I love it how these girls are so young yet they know some immovable truth: God is right with us, right beside us, cheering us on and comforting us. I will ask again, maybe on a day when life is screaming “ouch” at them. Maybe this is another way to help them in the grief they are experiencing this year. I hope so.
A funny things: After the girls got home from staying with daddy, we ate dinner outside for the first time since spring has arrived. It was lovely. We played soccer in our small concrete area and we read the final beatrix potter story we have. Whilst doing this, the youngest one was snuggling up to me. I asked what she was doing as it was a different cuddle than normal. “I just like cuddling your boobie mum”. He he, very cute. That same girl showed me her cleverness outside while we admired two beautiful birds. We were trying to work out what they were, I thought they were either “kereru or woodpigeons”. “Mum Kereru and woodpigeons are the same thing don’t you know!” Ahhhhh so clever, absent minded mum strikes again. So does bright little poppet!

Some of the weird (or perhaps even amazing) thoughts that have passed through my head and cool things that I have witnessed over the last few days:
I am amazed at how a tickle monster can lie on a bed and have so much fun with children. I am that very monster sometimes and it seems to be such a great and rough way to hang out with the girls. They love it, constantly come back for more and seem disappointed when it ends!
Simple acts of kindness – inviting someone to t, even if it’s eggs on toast, is a great thing to do. I feel very grateful for those invitations. They often come when I really need them.
What about this? A simple rule for parenting good eaters: We have at least one mouthful of everything on our plate (that rule is mainly focused on the new things we are trying, so at least they are tried!). K has developed her palette since we’ve started this: asparagus was asked for in the supermarket the other day, much to my delight! Roast capsicum and the Mango. I heard that Ian Grant suggests that at some age the children can have a list of 5 things on the fridge that they don’t like and then the rest has to be eaten, cool idea!
Treats aren’t treats anymore?! A friend said this to me, being convicted of the amount of chocie and chippies she was eating. It doesn’t seem to be as much of a treat nowadays, especially with our own children. It’s kind of normal, it’s so cheap and that has really challenged me. I am hopeful I’ll do something about it.
Beatrix potter and Paddington Bear. I am loving to find classics that are enjoyed still, to read with the girls. We even borrowed Paddington from a friend on dvd. Oh my goodness, it’s even on dvd! I am grateful for my friends who share their advice and great parenting tools, even books. Love it.
A delicious far away friend sent us some wafers and instant pudding. What a cool parcel to receive with a recipe of what to do with them. Thank you my friend , you are so much fun and so thoughtful.
Prayer. The other night was a most disasterous one on my scale of disasters. K said it was the worst of all the worst days and that it had hit her top of the list! I agreed with her. After having several battles with her to get to sleep, on our holiday, which took over an hour, I thought all was lost and I felt completely numb and useless as a dear mummy. My friends prayed with me, maybe even cried with me after she seemed finally tucked up for the night. It was wonderful and completely calmed my heart down. One prayed that overnight there would be a change in her spirit. No sooner was that prayer prayed, that darling 5 year old came in and told me she was very very very sorry.
God you are amazing and sometimes it is only you that can give peace, no matter how hard I try to make it myself. May I look to you more and more instead of being the control freak that I am. Glory to you, King of my heart.

Precious moments

Today was a nice day. We have met the next door neighbour a few times, a lovely chinese girl. We have taken her home made cookies and she has given us flowers. We know her by name and she has endeavoured to learn the girls names too. She is a sweetie. Tonight was the night that she came for tea.
It went so well. I thought that ‘being kind to my neighbour’ would be just that. Funny thing is, I think I learnt more and got encouraged more by her! This lovely girl told me she thought my cooking was professional (it was slightly cold and the couscous was gluggy!), that my parenting was so good (she confessed to seeing supernanny and commented on how horrible children could be) and she told me that d needed time to sort himself out! I am wowed by her.
As a family we played whonu (cranium) with her and it was delightful seeing her look up her computer dictionary to find out what brussel sprouts were (such a great game to play with people whose English is their 2nd language) and for her to show us where she lived before coming to New Zealand.
In the middle of a storm it is so easy to get swept away with it and forget about the simplicity of life – inviting a stranger to dinner. It’s something that I said (would you like to come to dinner?), before I had even thought about the consequences. What would we eat? What would we talk about? I am challenged again by the bible, 1 Cor 13 – sums up a life of love – putting others before ourselves. Others are important.
Some quotes of recent:
L (the 4 year old) told me in the car the other day, that she wanted to be a coffee maker and a show girl! “what do you mean a show girl L?”, I queeried after I’d laughed out loud.
“I want to do shows about princesses,” L replied. I was glad that was added and also that her sister would have to help. She would make coffee in the day and be a show girl at night. Hillarious.
A quote from a delicious friend: let emotions come like visitors...stay a while, entertain them and then let them exit. That we never know whether it's cleaning us out for something new?
I have had some wonderful times with some new and old friends this week. I have had the joy of hearing some stories of life from them. It cements the thoughts I already have about our lives. They are meant to be shared. Stories of things we have been through, even if they are not complete, are so encouraging for others. Let’s keep sharing our highs and lows with one another. I love your stories. I’m learning to love mine.

I’m really looking forward to the holidays. We haven’t got much planned yet but I’m pretty sure it will grow into something special each day. Even if that does mean just staying home, making ginger gems for ourselves and having puppet shows or riding bikes to the park.
The girls and I wrote a list of things that we would like to do – only about 3 of them were costly things – going to the two dollar shop and the dairy! One of the things I’m looking forward to, is not having to get up to get k ready for school. Laying in bed longer, reading a book or just having some extra zzzz’s will be amazing.
This is the last set of holidays before our big OE together. As this approaches there is certainly some excitement for me. I’m also feeling sadly aware that nearly a year has gone by and no major miracle has happened yet for d, that I am aware of. I hate that. I am somewhat mystified by it too, how one can change so radically without consideration for another. Finding compassion for a person who is without kindness is something that is Christ-like. I am stirred and challenged by Jesus and by others in this season, in how to treat one who acts coldly and harsly, to treat as Christ would. I am, even though it’s hard, grateful to wise ones who have spoken kindly to my heart, when it’s been stone-ish.
As humans we are quite mysterious. The transformation that a caterpillar goes through to become an amazing butterfly happens to us all, if we allow it. It is the time that we find hard to accept. I certainly do. I read that the waiting (cocoon time) precedes celebration. I am feeling quite tired again, of the waiting. Funny thing is, the most change seems to happen in the waiting time for a caterpillar in cocoon. Encouraging I guess.
What does this look like, the waiting that is? Sometimes I feel like it’s a picture of me waiting for a cake to cook when I’m supposed to have been out the door 10 minutes earlier and the cake is still doughy in the middle. But how it looks in the every day swing of things, is not me sitting at home twiddling my thumbs. Waiting looks like a road well travelled with a few bumps on the way, where I’m living life, making the most of opportunities, not doing too much extra but focusing on being a good mum and making memories with the girls with the final destination not actually known (very long sentence!). I can do this. I’ve been doing it all year and in writing this down, I’m seeing that I actually can do this.
Some things I’m looking forward too during the cocoon time I’m in: wearing my new slippers in (I love ugg boots, they are the best!), making an orange chocolate cake (with a whole orange, pith and all), having to learn to use the food processor to make that cake, going away with some delicious friends for a wee break in the holidays, taking some more photos ……………….
The road best walked, is one with Him. “He walks with me, he talks with me, along life’s narrow way”. And He asks me to tell Him my story, for Him to hear it from my mouth, even though He knows every part. Thank you God, for being in my story, every step of the way.

Missing

I miss you.
I miss you laughing at my fopars, my childish sillyness.
I miss your touch, your sense of direction, your help with parenting.
I miss doing life with you and the I hate the fear of not being able to do it with you again.
I miss your love of English comedy, your ability to make an evening more fun by suggesting great things to do with our friends.
I feel lonely without you here with me.
I miss the manly help with sorting the fireplace out. I miss you doing the finances.
I miss being a team and I miss encouraging you in your gifting.
I miss the masculine side of our family, the rough and tumble. Mine just doesn’t cut it quite as well with the girls.
We are not the same without you. Your choices are a huge loss to us. I miss you being here with me in this new adventure of our life. I miss your wisdom and I miss playing games of cards.
I miss socialising as a couple. It is not the same.
I miss your prayers, they were good prayers.
Today apparently, you had an operation. I actually missed picking you up from the hospital and helping you with whatever pain you are in.
I miss telling you all the funny things that the girls say. The prayers they pray, the thoughts and feelings they have.
I miss you cooking bangers and mash. I miss you using the bbq.
I miss.

snap mum!

I got L these cute red shoes a few months ago, put them away and then as i was thinking i needed to buy her some new shoes, i remembered these goodies. She was excited. New red shoes. which woman wouldn't be, let alone a 4 year old! "Snap mum" she said. What a cool kid. L wanted me to put mine on straight away so we could match. We have fun wearing our shoes at the same time.
On our car travels today, L told me what she wanted to be (one day!). Her usual answer to this q if asked, is: A baker, a builder and to have a baby. But today without me even asking, she told me she would like to be a coffee maker. I was thrilled. Free help with my addiction one day perhaps. But straight after that, she added "and a show girl". I laughed out loud a lot. I asked her what she meant and she said she wanted to put on shows. Good on her. Princess shows. I knew she would be good at that. "K will have to help me mum. I'll do the coffee in the day and the shows at night!"
I had the girls in bed with me this morning. a lovely early morning visit with tickles and playing "my grandmother went on a holiday and in her suitcase she took ......." I felt it was time to launch in with a helpful comment or two from myself. These comments that i was about to proceed with, had been thoughts that had been tickling their way around my head for a few days. I said "You know this whole thing with daddy not living with us?" silence and eyes starting ..... "well it's not your fault and i wanted to remind you that it wasn't." L broke the starkness with "yeah it's your fault mum". hillarious - not. K said "na it's dad's fault." we then talked about plans - K had come up with this amazing plan of attack - to dress up and several of us (in the mission impossible team) were to knock on the back door and run away and then she would knock on the front door, he would be surprised and we would rush in the back door and tie him up. we'd bring him to where we live now. I love their plan. it cracks me up that they can have 'strategy' for saving our world.
I just ended the fun conversation of our 'surprise attack' with: "that is a great plan". "what else can we do to help daddy, that doesn't involve stealing him?". I simply reminded them about God's plans for our lives and how they are good. I kindly suggested we could pray for him even more, together.
It was a great moment. it soon moved onto - "can we please read the Horse and his boy?"
The picture of coffee and delicious things is some melting moments that i made this week. i'd been so keen to try to make them and i did. Boy they hit the spot.

In my dreams

So I had this dream ……… several actually, about this guy who I hardly know. Similar situation to me. His wife left him. We haven’t talked about it at all, it’s just what I’ve heard. Funny thing is, even though I’ve only talked a few sentences to him, at the various occasions we’ve both been at, I have had him visit my dreams.
Poor guy. In the first dream we were at a party. I said I hadn’t had a ‘pash’ for ages and would he be up for it. He he. Of course the guy was. That’s as far as it went as I woke up. Good thing. Second dream was where I was hanging out more with him watching movies etc at our house. I woke up and was bothered for the whole day about these dreams. I drew tree diagrams in my head of all the reasons that it wouldn’t be a good idea to pursue something with him. But I did keep thinking about it and sometimes it was nice to think about. Anyway after all that, it doesn’t matter particularly who the dream was about, (it could have been anyone representing the ‘male’), I realised it was about how I missed having a male around. I have always missed having my dad around as he died when I was 11. I have loved hugs from older friends who are men, as they kind of represent what my dad would have been/done. So now having lost a 2nd significant male in my life, I’m feeling pretty low about it. I miss the hugs, the touch, the companionship and the intimacy. I am sad. It has freaked me out to realise how vulnerable I am and how I felt such a strong pull to do something that I know is not something I want to do.
This is a significant 2nd loss for me and I am feeling it immensely. I have explained it to God in simple terms, repeating it over and over with tears: I miss not having a dad. I miss not having d. And that’s ok that that is all that comes out. Its’ raw and truthful and there need not be any fancier words.

glorious food ...

I’ve got to the best weight I’ve ever been this year. It was a number that I’d always hoped to be and never dreamed possible I think. The only reason I got there was because of the stress of the trauma in my life but it seemed to be one of the better things that had come from that time. So many positive comments. Feeling better buying a different size. But today I am feeling disappointed as my pants seem tighter and the scales don’t say that magic number. I’ve felt this coming on over the past months and haven’t been able to stop myself eating those extra things I’ve decided I deserve! For some reason, I remember when my dad died (at age 11), my mum would eat packets of biscuits in the evenings (not sure how I even know that) and she preceeded to put on weight. Yikes I’m thinking. My husband hasn’t died, but it feels like he has. And I find myself, by myself in the evenings. And I find myself needing a little something to lift me up. So I abide in those feelings and go for it. People always seem to want to leave me delicious morsels and of course my love of baking has not helped me move away from this unhealthy habit.
This week I’ve walked a lot, in effort to help my mind breathe but also to move my body. Each time I’ve walked it has poured with rain on the way home. Crazy especially pushing my girl who is 4, who puts up with mum’s crazy need for walk. I think I can do something about my eating habits. I’ve decided that I will eat smaller portions – serve myself smaller portions esp at main meals. That is my big epiphany and I haven’t come to a healthy decision re the fattening feasts after the girls have gone to bed. So I guess I felt like I’d arrived this year, when I saw that number on the scales. And now I feel it’s slipping away from me and I have felt quite powerless. Ah what to do. How do I bccome accountable for these eating habits? When you have a friend or husband, you can work on it together. D and I went to weight watchers together to loose 5 0or 10 kg a few years ago. It was a really positive move. What is the real reason I am eating? (that’s what the counsellor would say for sure!). These are some good questions, none of which I’m able to answer whole heartedly yet, but good to get out on the table.
I’m looking forward to tomorrow, a sleep-in while the girls watch a movie, some time at a lovely friends house for lunch and then maybe a bike ride down the road before we settle in for the evening at home. Will sat pm involve me resisting temptation or having another scoopful or 2 of that irresistible cookies and cream flavour in our freezer! Ahhhhhhh.

Walking with someone

Yesterday I walked from my home to the otherside of town, trying to get there in time for an appointment whilst also trying to get some fitness in. When I arrived, proud of myself for making it, the ladies on reception were quite impressed and offered me coffee to recover from my effort (water was what I needed really)! They commented on how relaxing a walk can be, admiring creation etc. I agreed but had also came to realise that it hadn’t been relaxing at all, as I was quite stressed about getting to my appointment on time. I laughed at how it was a chance for me to get exercised and also to have some time for my head to clear, yet how it had counterbalanced due to the face I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it! I read a section from CS Lewis’s ‘the horse and his boy’, where Shasta (the boy) is walking with his horse, after some real tough stuff. He becomes aware, as he is walking along, of a ‘creature’ quietly walking with him. Eventually, when he can ignore it no longer, he talks to this creature. He shares his own woeful story (after the ‘thing’ asks to hear his story’) and finds that through all of the ‘situations’ that nearly took his life, this creature was there with him. Sometimes this creature had even saved his life, though Shasta didn’t recognise that at the time. He ends up commenting on how He was there in the story of his life. It is such a lovely piece of writing, directing our hearts to the fact that God is in every part of our story, yet he still wants to hear how it is from us.
I’ve been back from my retreat experience and sadly been quite busy with ‘stuff’ since then. I laugh in some ways when I think about the retreat. I was the youngest by miles (sort of the only one with full coloured hair) and I was also the only one not to wear any polar fleece. I wanted to giggle out loud at times (when it was not a time to be talking even) so I had to concentrate on behaving myself. At times this is hard for me. Hard to imagine?
I loved some definite things about the retreat: having time with a wonderful lady, older than me, who listened and pointed me to God. That was for an hour each day. Some times I cried and she told me to be comfortable with that and not apologise. She encouraged me to see where God was, in all the parts of my story. I was reminded that God has been with me through out this journey. I discovered some truth about waiting – the picture of a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly. Waiting takes time. Am I ok with waiting? Not really but I’m more OK with it now, seeing that it’s not a bad thing but a vital part of my own transformation. And how to wait? Twiddling my thumbs, finding more things to keep me busy? That doesn’t seem to be the idea. ‘Waiting is the ‘in-between time’. It calls us to be in this moment/season, without leaning so far into the future that we tear our roots from the present.’ TS Elliot wrote “a lifetime burning in every moment”.
What I learned, I painted or wrote down, talked a lot to God about and walked on the beach with coffee.
Sometimes I feel like I am a spider with a big web. It’s so big and intricate with all it’s different parts. It’s confusing sometimes how to know how to process all of the different things I think. But I was reminded that all of the feelings we have are important and getting them down on paper or out of our head, is a good idea. I have heard the phrase ‘you need to process that anger’, or whatever emotion. I just asked a lot while on retreat: ‘but how?’ I feel more equipped to do that now – to write down anything that comes out and to see where God is in it and how he is with me and all my humanity. When sad or bad memories come up, I’m not so afraid of them now. I’m more willing to ask God, ‘what are you wanting me to validate here or show me here? I’m more willing to not push the memory away but to cry or let myself be with it, maybe to forgive or maybe to pray. Maybe to do nothing but be?
I talked with a lovely lady today who said she wasn’t glad she’d been through the ‘rough stuff’ she’d been through but could definitely say she was amazed at the things she’d learned through them. I’m glad to say the process of this stuff has me mystified at times but sensing God more than I have before. I’d rather wear my merino than polar fleece and I can’t wait to be in the ‘butterfly’ part and not feel like a spider!

Noisy silence

I do feel like a hippy today. I am going on that retreat in a few days and I feel like it’s a little hippiesh – like I should be wearing a skirt with lots of different panels, some bells and definitely a head band. I laugh at myself that I’m going. I think it’s nervous laughter as I know it’s going to be quite good for me. A few friends have agreed with me – we’re not sure if we like the thought of being on our own. We seem to fill ‘down time’ with noise like movies, or technology. So I’m going to be having ‘down-time’ by myself, with some opening and closing day prayer (with the other hippies that will be there!) and some spiritual direction in between. But that’s all. There are walks to do, sleep to have (apparently that is OK according to some!), prayer in all it’s various forms and there is even some clay and charcoal to do stuff with.
As I walked today, I noticed how you could have moments of silence with God, even though there were trucks, cars, birds and other invasions happening constantly.
I am reading a book on silence and solitude, mainly so I’ll have some clues on what to do over the next 4 days. The writer explains some simple steps that I’ll need to take, for my first retreat (in my mind and practically): It’s a place where i am going to meet Christ in joyful solitude. There is nothing to be afraid of, for Christ is perfect love and perfect love casts out all fears. It’s a prayer house which I enter alone to be with God. Take my Bible and a journal. With God I don’t have to put on my best bib and tucker, I can just be myself. Remember, he knows all about me, from A-Z. To try to fool the Lord by putting on any kind of show is absolutely idiotic. It’s a place where I can relax a little like a piece of dough. Have a little chat with him, snooze a little, do a little reading and go out and have a walk – admire creation.
She says a lot more but that’s enough for now. The hope of this writer is that it just won’t be on retreats that we come closer to God but thinking about God as we are living normal life – standing still with him while walking with men.
I watched a dance dvd last night. Man they can boogie out some great moves. When the final music was playing I got up off the couch and started dancing. Crazy, all-over-the-lounge, kind of dancing. It was fab. It was a release and so much fun. I don’t’ think I’ll dance on the retreat, or infront of anyone else actually, but part of the process in me over this year, is remembering things that I love and beginning to do them again. As I walked today, I just noticed things I never would have before. I would have never made time to notice them – always too busy. I also lost confidence in who I was, partly. That is coming back, even in the form of dance. He he.
Some more memories: I got this cool note from K last night. It made me cry and feel so so great and now it’s on the fridge: Dear mum, you are a gat (great) mum, even when you get mad you still love us and we still love you. I have been kind to the kids at school who don’t have anyone to play with. Love k-k (my shortened nick name for her). Very cool. L prayed a great prayer about d last night too – all about his soul being for us and him coming to live with us again. She told k she was a superhero, even after k had been mean to her. I love those moments. God help me remember the good ‘quotes’ of life.
I’ll be back, after my hippy happy experience. (photo of k on stilts, her first time. i'm hoping the retreat is easier than the first time on stilts - it looks like fun though!)

Pruning and being

I spent a few hours the other day with a wonderful woman, a new friend who is delicious. She is older than me, wiser and more clever-er indeed! I was needing some help with a small assignment I’m doing so we researched together. It was so great going deeper with research, deeper than the Bible gives at times. Understanding the cultural times, the belief systems current in that time, even about the land. I was greatly encouraged and helped by this friend.
Then I was reading a great poem by Eddie Askew (whoever he may be) and his notes on John 15 – abiding in the vine. It helped me with understanding winter again but also challenged me with what it means to abide in Him.
He writes …… It would be easy to be glib, and say that suffering is a pruning, and that the pain is worthwhile because of it’s fruit. I can’t go that far. Suffering can work wonders, strengthen character, bring fruit; but it doesn’t always. It can damage and break, too. Perhaps the clue is in our being branches of the vine, which is Christ. Secure in him, pruning is positive. It still hurts, we still feel like screaming, but we know he’s there, and that he’s gone through the same process himself. Maybe we need to remember that the cross began as a tree.
Then part of his poem to go with his response to the text …. The cut worm, the pruned branch, both bleed, each in it’s own way. And in the bleeding lies its healing. Lies new growth. One of the many miracles of daily life.
Lord when I scream, and others too, gather us to yourself.
Help me to see, and them,
That understanding isn’t all that matters.
Isn’t that at the root of things.
The truth is,
That when I’m grafted into you,
My pain is your pain.
My groan your groan.
And you healing is mine.
In time.
And in eternity.

I guess I’m real keen to abide more and especially amidst this feeling of suffering. But I do feel at a bit of a loss as to what ‘abiding’ looks like for me. I think part of the retreat I’m going on next week, will be about abiding. It will also be about forgiving. Thank you to my friends for reminding me of truth.
Some cool things: K, the 5 year old, is making Rakau sticks at school and doing actions songs with them. We made some tonight out of old magazines and she is going to teach us some tomorrow. I remember the days of singing beautiful Maori songs and throwing sticks to whoever was lucky enough to try and catch them. L is seeing things quite outside of the box at the moment. She just pops up with things that I don’t even think about. It’s pure lovely hearing her mind wandering all over the place. She made a telescope out of paper and selotape today and as Grandma tried to encourage her, she told her “oh Grandma it’s just pretend!” We had devilled sausages as well tonight. My mum said it reminded her of Gran’s meals. It so did. I might make them more! The girls thought they were yum, without the sauce and onion of course. Photos – just us abiding at a café, we love fluffies and coffee – it’s mostly always my idea but the girls have done it since birth, ye ha for tradition and ye ha for coffee. Love me

Bike rides and trees

I did a bit better today at not going ‘off my tree’ when the girls do something that irritates my defined wee world of perfectionism! I had come to the Lord last night, with just sad feelings and I’d cried and told him all my deep groanings. I was deeply honest and it was great. How do I forget to do this or why do I fill my time with so many other things and not Him. Anyway, it was good. Part of my talking to God was about my anger and how i have been flying off the handle. Today when the girls got mud all over their pants …… oh and mine …… I just was so fine about it and didn’t even react. I’m writing this so I can look back and remember. It may not sound like much to anyone else, but it was a bit of a milestone considering the last few days. We went on a trip - the girls biking (and somehow landin in the mud!) and me taking photos of trees that i really liked. something i'd been meaning to do for myself for ages. The photo of the tree is one of my favourite old houses on our street and i love the starkness of the winter represented on the tree.
The talk at church yesterday was about our past (our history) and how people in the bible made visual reminders (markers of their journey) so they could pass the miracles and stories onto their children and so on. What will this season in my life leave and how can I leave reminders – visual, of what God has done? I read in Mary Demuth’s parenting book, about her children finding it hard to live in France and how they took a Psalm and wrote their own – ‘things we miss from America’ was at the top and ‘something we like about France’ was at the bottom. It was an offering of sorts and a visual display of their own feelings. I am so glad of ideas and help through this season – for us to make great memories despite our pain and for us to be able to express our feelings and have a visual reminder of how God has helped us through this time.
Some more good memories for today: The girls said today how they would like to go back to London. We went when they were much smaller. They don’t know yet that my family are paying for us to go in Dec to visit with my brother and his wife. It is the second time they have said something like that. I responded by saying “why don’t we? Let’s just go, real soon OK!” they were pretty excited and that was with them thinking I was just being crazy and not truthful! I can’t wait to tell them.
We talked about High’s and lows over the dinner table tonight. I said I loved watching them bike down the road with me. They agreed and said that was a high. K liked overtaking L on her bike and being the fastest. I liked watching.
Another cool thing I read, in Sarah Williams book ‘Shaming the strong’ (the challenge of an unborn life) was about peace. I’ve never been able to explain how God has bought amazing peace to my life considering the disturbing past months. She puts it perfectly: I guess ‘peace that passes all understanding’ (Phil 4:7) would not mean anything if it was not the peace of a lighthouse in the middle of a horrendous storm.

God, thank you so much for your peace. It is amazing. Thank you for being able to remember the good and amazing things you have done. Help me not to forget what you are teaching us but to live it and help others with it eventually. May all this be to your glory.

Some things I’m thinking about

Spring – the daffodils, camellias, blossoms are all out and starting to fill my world with wonder. I love the start of spring, especially as there is hope of warmer weather and some more colour!
Bad reports – I’m finding it hard when people ask how it’s going with d and me. I have nothing positive to report and being a pretty positive person, that is stifling and I feel like I’m drowning in it. The most positive thing was that he had started a counselling course but it doesn’t appear that he is putting every effort in.
My response – I heard something about how we respond to God in situations as opposed to letting our situation dictate us. I liked that and thought I could think more on that. I also heard a quote from some random book – “God hears us when we are in the middle of a wonderful and busy life and he also hears us when we are in the desert and parched. But it is when we are in the desert and truly desperate, when we hear what God says to us.” That is my paraphrase but it made me think.
The girls – K was angry the other night, suddenly after finishing on the phone with daddy. I asked her to share how she was feeling and she told me she was angry with me, angry with me for marrying daddy. She wanted me to marry someone who would live with us forever……….. Isn’t that amazing, profound even? I am so glad she was able etc share that. I took her out for a fluffy the next day and some cake and I showed her a wedding album I had. She was in awe of it all and I explained a little about being in love etc. It was a moment I wasn’t sure how to handle but did what I felt. Parenting through this has been quite hard but I’m doing OK at it, apart from my outbursts of rage sometimes when things aren’t going as soothly as I’d like, like this morning when the girls poured water everywhere in their room. I said some rough things in rough ways of which I wasn’t proud of. I am thinking there will be no more water poured in the room this week.
TV – I’m thinking about how I watch too much of this sometime and forget about the source of my life. I have not spent much time with the lover of my soul, the one who makes me happy and who fills my life when nothing else will. I am sorry but glad He walks with me, whatever.
Retreat – I’m going on a spiritual retreat in 2 weeks. It’s for 4 days and it’s by myself (no children or friends) with food, a few times of prayer during the day, an hour of spiritual direction and time. Time for myself to be with my God and to speak with Him and listen. I’ve never done anything like this but someone wonderful is paying for me to do this. I’m in awe! I’m also a little nervous. How will it be and what will it look like? I’m a bit excited about it too.
Those are just some thoughts. Love me
PS Love the photos caz. you are clever.

Am i so dumb?

This year K started soccer. I’ve always been keen to have the girls involved in some kind of sport and artsy expression. Soccer was something that she was keen on, but each Sat, at game time, and each practice time, she preferred to not join in and rather play with mud on the side line. This was frustrating and surprising for me, especially as I had volunteered myself as the coach!
L always seemed keen to join in the practice and wanted to play when she was 5, just like K. I was hopeful that when eventually she did get to play, that she wouldn’t cry or perform like K routinely was. Well I eventually got over myself and the proud attitude of ‘don’t give up on something you’ve started’, and this last week I told K she didn’t have to play anymore and that I understood how she felt. Immediately L asked if she could play instead! Well of course! So here she is, a photo from her first game, where she actually kicked the ball more than K had in the whole season. She did really well, she is so keen and I am thinking ‘why didn’t I pick up on those clues before now!’
I don’t enjoy coaching, at all really. I like the thought of helping others, but I’m not wired in the sporting way. I won’t volunteer again I don’t think.
From the counselling and talking I’ve had this year, the opportunity to open up what is going on in my mind/heart, I’ve discovered some messages I’ve certainly lived by for awhile. They are not necessarily messages I believe in, but I have lived by them nevertheless. One message is that I have found value in doing things for others, I feel important, feeling like I’m something special and have something to offer.
So this year is rather opposite to the years I’ve had for many before. I have moved to a city, where I’m having a sabbatical – a rest from what I’ve been doing. People have asked me what I do during the week! Interesting question for someone who has placed huge value on doing ‘things’. I now answer ‘nothing in particular’ (apart from my delicious job of caring for L during the day). And it’s true. I do nothing that I used to do. Hardly any meetings, being in charge of anything, working to a schedule (cleaning the house should be on some sort of schedule I guess!), except for soccer coaching – ahhhhh.
Through this time, I have had to discover what I enjoy doing, for me and for the good of my family. I have walked more, even in the rain (L takes an umbrella on the pram just incase it drizzles), I have continued drinking a coffee a day, I have done some art, played the piano a few times and enjoyed changing rooms around. I have bought magazines, discovered recycling and read loads of books. I have baked and cooked and baked more. I have even made soup. I’ve never made soup, from scratch.
It’s good to discover more about me. To discover that I’m OK just being me, no more, no less.
Psalm 18 v 16 ish talks about how God stooped down to pick me up, because he delights in me. (my paraphrase). He delights in me. I am hopeful to rest in that more and to enjoy the simpleness of being ME.

flying foxes

Psalm 40 – it’s a favourite of mine from this year! Verse 17 says ‘As for me I am poor and needy, yet the Lord takes thought and plans for me. You are my help and my deliverer, O my God, do not tarry.
I was challenged in church, again, listening to a talk on ‘can I trust God?’ with where I’m at. They went on to say that we just can’t control everything in our life and what were our control mechanisms that we used when things begin to spin out of control? He, the speaker, took us to where the Israelites were stuck at the sea, between a rock and a hard place. The sea represents chaos for us, uncontrollable stuff (I’d never thought of that before – ah der!). The Israelites were tempted to go back to their slavery, funny.
K got the chance to go on a flying fox today. As I went with her to have a look, even I was feeling a bit ‘wobbly’ up there. She was keen, but twice, decided to not do it. The third time of heading up to the top, she gave it a go! I was so proud of her. Many times before, she has given up and been rigid in her decision. No trying or persevering, just NO! But this time she gave it a go and we had to stay longer at the park while she enjoyed some more of the freedom and fun she’d discovered. I was tickled pink to see her go for it.
Back to the preach: Ex 14:13-14 – Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.
I was just greatly encouraged by that. I can trust my God to do amazing things. He is in control, even when I try to control all things. He is a promise keeper and he does fight for us. I feel like it’s real simple stuff, but it’s real truth and I need to go back and back again to remind myself of the great story that I’m involved in. The word of God is my story and even in K trying to leap off the tower, trusting the flying fox, I’m wanting to do that. Hearing that this morning was good, but now writing it and reading over my notes, is just another way to get it into my heart I think.
I struggle with things in my story not being right, right now. Do not tarry God. I wish You would hurry things along, it’s a long long time. Nevertheless, I will trust You God.
L prayed today telling God about the different birthday cakes she was going to have – when I’m 4 I’ll have the Wiggles (I reminded her she was already 4), and when I’m 5 I’ll have a princess and when I’m 6 ……. Cute. We had spent all of our dinner trying not to sing Abba’s voule vou, ……. That song got in our head and I still can’t get it out! It was so much fun dancing around the room and shaking our body wildly, together. Doing this journey together, is wild but we’re together.

Back to basics

I haven’t blogged for awhile. I have felt guilty, again, for not doing something on my ‘to-do-list’. I haven’t even known what to write and now as I type, I still hardly know what will come out.
But I remind myself that blogging has been good for me. I think in some ways I’ve been drawn to myself and all that I’m learning about me over this time, that I’ve forgotten about Him. I’ve forgotten to get friends to pray for me. I’ve forgotten to think about Him and focus on Him, when I’ve been to the depths again this week. But ye ha, my brain is not completely fried and I’ve been reminded, so softly, to get my thinking, my heart, my focus, back on Him, my God. I’ve had Psalm 23 recalled to my spirit, I’ve read verses aloud that have bought me life and now they do again.
These past two weeks have been very hard for me. The last few days I’ve done a lot of crying – for no particular reason. My face has been melting a lot. Someone asked me if d had been mean. Not really, nothing too mean. It’s just all got on top of me again. Where is all of this going and where will I be at the end of it? I had a friend in a similar situation say she wanted all the pain to go away. I can understand that and I know I’ve said that too. But I’m also acutely aware that the pain I’m experiencing has some meaning and is doing something more than I can see.
I can be quite positive even in the worst of times. A helpful attitude mostly?!
Winter can be described as being a dark season – no colour, blandness with some frosty side effects. One author describes summer as being full of beauty and bountiful yet the beauty of winter is amazing – it’s starkness helps you see a tree as it really is, bare and very clear. I can kind of understand that in my winter time at present. I have seen the blossoms forming ain this last week nd it makes me feel closer to some kind of light in my own small world.
As I reread what I’ve written I think my thoughts are all over the place. They are. I feel worry about the future as for the first time, I can’t see what lies ahead. I feel fearful of that too. I am compelled to trust God who holds me in his hands. I am saying again and again: God you have good plans for our family, plans to bring about the future we hope for (Jer 29:11). I am also asking friends again, to pray with me. It seems to be such a strength and each time I feel much better, no matter the length of the prayer.
Psalm 40 – (my paraphrase). You heard my cry and lifted me out of the mirey clay – you set my feet upon a rock and you put a new song in my heart, that many would see and hear about you through me.
At the end-ish of the psalm, it talks about how you are my deliverer and to not tarry. Please don’t tarry God.