Pizza night is Fri at our friends house. They are amazing at creating memories and we love joining them for pizza night. Well everyone does except Liv. She hates Pizza. I am a little embarrassed about this and often comment that she just needs to eat it.
But Karen, bless her, told me today that she wants to make it a cool time for liv coming to their place. I had told her not to do anything extra (as I thought a good mother should model – eat it or have nothing!) but Hugh heads out to get sausage rolls. I was so encouraged. What a cool and gracious thing to do for my sweet girl, so she really enjoys going to their place. On Fri pizza night!
Moments like this teach us something about life. I hope I’m that cool when other kids come to our place.
We are having an end of term party. The girls are allowed to invite one friend but I’ve promised they can invite more when we move to a bigger place. K has chosen a new friend from school and L has chosen her friend, the boy. We are going to have chocolate fondue (a new passion of ours which we would like to devour more than we should!) and probably pop corn and some other food, some games and then we’ll watch Swiss Family Robinson together. I guess I am creating some traditions. We did this last year but I’d forgotten to keep it up. Hoping to do it traditionally. A celebration at the end of the school term.
Sometimes it’s just so nice to create a reason to celebrate something. Anything actually. We had some delicious girls for t this week. I had suggested we have a mid-winter Christmas dinner. We had a roast lamb, half cooked lemon meringue cheesecake, wine and pinecone name-place tags. It was so nice. We do life with these wonderful women but haven’t done a special special dinner for them before. It was so cool.
I’m glad this term is nearly over. I’m a bit sick of making school lunches and having to sign reading books. I’m looking forward to the break of routine and the sleep-ins, hopefully!
I am a bit sick of the cold house. The fire wood is almost gone and I worry about that. The car is due it’s warrant and I worry about that. Not sure if it will get one in the state it’s in. Worried about our house selling slowly as opposed to speedily and concerned we’ll loose a lot of money. I’m often worried about what my future looks like, what our future looks like. I’m sometimes worried with the bills that turn up.
And then I remember to go ………… “These are my worries Daddy God. I give them to You. Help me to live day by day, trusting in You. It’s gonna be all OK”
Ahhhh that’s better.

my dad.

Hi Dad
I do need to do this much better another day, but i am just reminded of the date, right now sadly.
A crazy date.
Only mum and i generally remember it.
You died 24 years ago. Boy i'm old and boy that was yonks ago.
Love u, miss you a flippin lot.
me

The road of great and not-so-great things.

Making and eating rocky road that had biscuit in it, rather than lots of red fruit. Yum man.

Liv confessing to kissing her friend Josh, in his bedroom. She’s 5. It was his suggestion this time. A pleasant surprise.

Feeling Ok with the knowledge about myself, in my vulnerable state. Being ok with just knowing it and not having any particular answers.

Learning that disullussionment comes from having an original illusion. Not necessarily coming from reality. Interesting.

Watching ‘The proposal’ at the movies with my mum this week, amongst many other good ones recently. Oh definitely a highlight was watching ‘Swiss family Robinson’ today with my girls. It was delightful, wonderful and so great for my memory bank. Loved watching the trees falling down the bank to knock the pirates out.

Smoked chicken being on special.

Getting two bottles of wine given to me this week and loads of generous friends buying me coffee. I am so grateful.

Having a gut-wrenching, argumentative talk with the husband who is not wanting to be one. That situation turning around (through prayers and sensible thinking!) with quiet, calm, sensibly explained scenarios, with apologies, some jokes even and a promise of the beloved trampoline being returned one day soon. A miracle. A heart wrench. A good move on the chess board of our lives.

Making cake for a café manager and his family. It being received so gratefully. That was cool.

Realising I need to be home more, to just be. I’m out like all the time, which I love, but thinking I’m a bit tired and need to rest up a bit in my delicious home.

Enjoying ringing friends and having them stay. It’s been a bless!

Painting nails. I love new nail colours. One recent one is called ‘cherries in the snow’. It’s divine.

Having Lindt chocolate is for sure one of the greatest things one could devour.

Thinking about making soup. Finding great recipes for soup. Not yet making that soup. Will it be soup for my soul or just my tum?

Starting a cook book club. Finally. My idea, my crazy idea, come to pass.

Needing our house to sell. So glad we have a God who hears our prayers and also who loves to surprise us out of our socks. May my socks be knocked off!

I have an assignment due in two weeks. Not having read the book yet that the essay and practical assignment is on, I’m feeling a little like ahhhhhhh flip!

Some great movie’s I’ve also enjoyed – The Guardian, Confessions of a Shopaholic, Marley and me, Easy virtue, Last chance Harvey, A stealing movie with Julia Roberts and Clive Owen (can’t recall the name), 21, He’s just not that into you, ………..

There are more things to say apart from feeling rather bad for not having blogged for absolute ages! We are doing this unit at our kids church on how loved and accepted we are by God, our maker. And since that unit has begun I’ve had several ‘words’ about how God has not forgotten me and how he loves me, from friends who have no idea about our current topic. Simple yet poignant reminders. Then today, out of the blue, arrives a book from my sister’n’law, on how captivating I am to Him. Emmmmm, what is He trying to say to me?

beam me up

The girls and I often pray or have dinner without the lights on and some other form of light. We have these awesome twinkly lights in a vase which are so groovy. We have a number of exciting candles and lighting them is so much fun for us. Sometimes before we roast marshmallows on our open fire, I get the girls to look at the light and talk about how Jesus is the Light of the World and how he brings light to our darkness. Light is fascinating. Light is illuminating. Light is very needed.
This past week or two has been rather dark and then suddenly a light has shone in on my darkness. I love that! I feel alive, I feel honest and I feel free-er. I am so grateful for the way God shines his light on the truth of our hearts. It talks a bit in the bible about walking in the light and that is what I feel I’ve experienced – a bit of illumination. I’m currently very OK (which has pleasantly surprised me) with the current switch that has come on. Everything is not all fixed but it’s out in the open for me, so I’m aware that God is doing something. I have some words that would describe what is going on in my heart, but that I can’t almost put sentences too. And that’s OK too. It has been a raw week or two, yesterday was the date of what would have been our ten year anniversary, someone showing interest in me which even though that is nothing really, it did bring up some big-as issues for me. It’s been crazy emotionally and for my poor wee mind, but it’s been good. Freaky how one can say that.
I did catch up with a lovely new friend yesterday, and for some reason she launched straight into the fact that sometimes life is really painful and that that’s OK. That was right where I was at and it was good to hear someone else say it. She is trying to teach her kids that lesson too, right from the word go. We will fall over, we will get hurt and that is just a part of the life that we live.
So the words that are at the forefront of my mind at the mo are: ‘Disillussionment’, ‘perfect world’, ‘abandonment’. Those are the lights that have come on for me. Not sure entirely what to do with the knowledge of them, but they are shining brightly and I’m open to what God would say and do in this next wee while.
Some cool things this week – L (5 years) wanted to give me a married kiss, which apparently is where one tilts their head to the side and the other places their lips on top and they kiss. She insisted we get married right then and there by doing the tilted angle marriage kiss. Delicious. Only she erupted in tears when I laughed at how cute it was. So we needed to talk a little more about what marriage meant – it’s not only the lop-sided kiss at the ceremony that makes the marriage! Later in the week they both confessed, very quickly, that L had kissed a boy at school (not the marriage kiss, just a cheek!). I laughed again and was able to find out all the juicy info! L told me she didn’t want to go to dad’s last night and she wanted me to know she was ‘serious’. “I’m serious mum”. A delicious friend gave me a generous voucher to spend at a lovely fav shop in the city, so I had something else to think about rather than my anniversary that wasn’t really one at all! Thank you friend. I appreciate the texts and calls from friends acknowledging this dumb kind of day. People are amazing to us. I thank God for my friends. A delicious one turned up on Fri, the ten-year day of remembrance, and made me completely forget about it at all. We had such a lovey time going out for lunch and catching up on our crazy lives. I loved being with you Abby. You are so nice.
I do remember a song from growing up, which after singing it as many times as we did, it grew rather tiresome. Shine Jesus Shine. I laugh as I think about it, as it ended up being an annoying song. But I thank you Jesus, for the bulbs that you turn on in my life. You are the light of the world. Thanks for shining on the deepness of my heart.

finding meaning in the pain?

So the story continues, this time a little more dramatic from the drama queen herself. I do have to make a constant note to myself at the mo: This blog is good for me and it is a page for me to get my thoughts out, regardless of what anyone may think. It is something that has given me scope for my processing. I’m hoping I can keep being as real as the air I breathe and the pain I feel and the joy I experience, as I write.
The whole great experience of the ‘chat’ lasted euphorically for me for a few days but then began to fill my mind constantly, I mean like every second. What would I say if ….? How would I behave if ….? The boundaries of my heart were being pushed and I could sense God was amongst it all, no matter how painful it was getting. A few days later I was meeting a mentoree at a café, the same café I go all the time, and as I walked in, there she was, and there he was! Ahhhhhh. We had a chat and then I sat with my friend to do chatting. Except it was all of me chatting (I’m supposed to be listening to her and hearing her heart!) and I’m saying: “ahhhh I want to go out with that guy” and we talked about the boundaries in that with being who I was and where I was at at the mo. She, little to her own understanding, said the best thing she could have said, all while I was thinking about going to this guys work and asking him if he would want to have coffee. I had got so desperate in my own head, that I was contemplating taking control of the whole situation, almost so I could put an end to the constant mind chatter I’d been having. I cried like a baby as she made her suggestion, in such a gentle and kind way to her wiser (?), older, blubbering friend. “Do you think you should ring Ma and Pa D?” As I was crying, not even answering her, I text Ma to say I was in a bad way and needed to come round.
I felt instantly like the war in my mind had been stopped and that sense had arrived for a moment.
I had a wonderful, tearful, deep time with these people. My dear older and wiser friends. They suggested that something was going on for me and that even in the middle of all of my pain, I could find meaning in it. And they will help me walk through that. They recognized I’m really vulnerable at the mo, they recognize that I was being honest even if no one wants to hear what my heart truly wants to do. I explained to them that I feel lost in a world of couples, lonely from the company of a man. This guy made me feel so special for one moment and it lit a fire of something way bigger. The tension for me is also not just that I’m single, but still married but that I need to know in some way that God still walks with me, if I choose to have a coffee or something with this guy.
I don’t want to light something that I can’t put out. But I will acknowledge the gap and the pain that is there, from the loss of a males company and affection and adoration. In all of this I’m pretty honest with my friends. This is hard. This is painful and I’m not in a good way. I want to do what I feel like, which may not necessarily be the wisest thing to do. And today I’m OK with that, because I’m being honest, I’m saying where my heart is at. I’m not sure if others are so OK with my pain, but I’m OK with it and that it may take a little to wrestle with it. I’m having some time with Pa this week and that will be good.
I took a drive yesterday to visit a beautiful friend. It ended with her and I putting our children in the car, and her praying for me, in the rain, under a tree. I felt sheltered and protected and loved by God, in the presence of her humble prayer and her lingering hug. It was a little bit of God, in the middle of my storm and I appreciated it so much. Thanks u

The chat of all chats

I never thought this chat would ever happen. I had fantacised about it, mostly (funnly enough) that my first move would be to shake his hand. Weird, so formal of me and if I look back I wouldn’t have done that.
It was after a rather emotional weekend of lonliness and deep sadness. It was a walk that turned miserable as it was pouring, I was texting some friends to do dinner with me and that was an organizational nightmare, plus when I arrived at the new ‘fresh’ supermarket to check it out, I was soaked and looking rather ragged. And then I saw him. The guy that had been kind at the café, the one that I had thought “oh he looks nice”. I didn’t know what to do, so I kept walking into the supermarket, forgetting what I was there for but making no eye contact with anyone apart from the bananas. Next thing, I stopped. He was right beside me with his workmate, wanting to meet. It was a freaky surprise.
Hi, he said
Hi, I said, I’m Sarah, shaking their hands as they introduced themselves. Next time no shaking of hands. I am a natural conversationalist (sometimes to my demise!) so the conversation started:
Work, family, what I was doing here in palmy (after they asked), what they did in palmy, some interesting conversation re marriage break-ups (quite deep for a first conversation), good coffee and me ending by saying I’d better go and get my ‘free coffee’.
It was so nice. I’d love for it to happen again. Mostly because it made me feel so darn special and lovely. He was a mature (intellectual, good conversationalist, showed some compassion for loss of his friend and myself) and great looking guy. It was a gesture that surprised me beyond my wildest dreams – I don’t think I’ve had a guy come up to me before and be friendly, no demands or crazy whisperings in my ear, just general getting to know-ya kind of talk.
I felt like a million dollars. Is it OK for me to blog about this? I find it hard to know but it’s in my head and I need to get this kind of stuff out of my head and onto paper for me to see more clearly. Will people think I’m naughty for having these thoughts or having had this conversation? I don’t know and it probably doesn’t matter.
What is going on here is simple: me feeling special and of some value. What needs to go on in me from here: I think a continual acknowledgement that I want my heart to be stirred by a noble theme (Ps 45), whether I saw this person ever again or not.

The girls sang in a concert with their junior choir recently. It was amazing to watch them and so funny. I loved it. My ma was there too and i thought how great it was to have 3 generations of choir 'goers' in the same room. I wasn't ever sure if the girls would like being in a choir, so the risk paid off. The girls thrived in their performance showing attentiveness to detail and a connection with the audience too, all while trying to remember truck loads of verses! I was one proud mumma bear.
Prior to the concert i embarked on some emotional journeying with them. this was crazy considering the time limit but there was no more time before the next day to do so, as they were leaving to stay with dad.
I had considered the violent roars of their hearts in the previous time and wanted to somehow encourage them with the constant processing that they have to do. I am hurting for them. I am worried for them. I hate what they are experiencing. Anyway we made a wash line for our wall, kind of like a banner. I had some red hearts where they wrote their worries on them, as did i. I had shared the verse about casting our cares upon the Lord and so we began, artistically, casting our own. It always surprises me how keen the girls are, with my crazy ideas. Their worries were genuiene and heart felt. As we pegged them on the line, we read our last ones together, as an offering. God we give our worries to you.......
K suggested we could add to this whenever we needed, the girls knew that the line would remind me to pray when they were away, we are going to make a heading for our banner which will add to the 'gold nugget' i'm trying to impart.
I have been feeling quite agro, angry, mad or hateful (just to name a few describing words). I am guessing that it's just that i'm particularly sad and feeling like i'm broken in half. So i'm trying in my own way to process that with a line of my own. I visited Wellington on Saturday where i remember so many diff places that connect me with d. It was a painful walk in that city. This whole thing is annoying me so much. The breaking of a family, the trust broken, the confusion added to one already 'crazy walk' that we live, the identity crisis, the pain of not knowing where your future is, the rejection, the financial loss and concern, the dramatic change of life, is not good stuff. I certainly get that God is with me all through this, i couldn't do it without Him. Even though, i'm angry. or is just plain old sad?
Elizabeth Barrett Browning -
Earth's crammed with heaven
And every common bush afire with God,
But only he who sees, takes off his shoes -
The rest sit round it and pluck blackberries.

ending the holidays

I've loved these holidays, mostly for the change of routine and not having to make school lunches! It's been incredibly sunny all of the holidays and i've been in awe of that, considering last year it was very freezing!
I have been particularly emotional today. I'm putting it down to a tiring week with the conference i was at and also having to repeat the same answers to "how are you doing?"! the girls had a topsy turvey week as i imagined. They went to d's house for quite a few nights and my mum's and then spent the weekend at d's. As i said goodbye again on Fri, they tried to run away from teh car i was trying to put them into. They screamed and cried and didn't want to go. The things i had taught them regarding what to do in topsy turvey times, kind of flew out the window, well so i thought!
We'd talked about different ways to handle the feelings that they may be going through during this last week. but it came down to them feeling like it was just too much and they needed to react to it, rather than respond. Fair enough i say. they are so young and hardly mature enough to respond with their hearts as opposed to their bodies, each flippin time this happens. So K said some mean things to me and as i let her go, i only remember her tossing her head away saying: "just do what you have to do", with a very angry look. Ahhhhh it killed me inside and i cried rivers as i drove away. I felt so powerless to rescue my little ones from this awful pain.
So today comes and i'm wondering what to do. I'll just leave the conversation till tomorrow, perhaps when they have settled back into life at their normal home. The first thing K did when she jumped out of daddy's car was run to me, wanting a 'private conversation'. I've never heard her ask for that before. I was intrigued and slightly scared at what it may be about!
"i'm sorry mum, I'm so sorry. I've been thinking about it the whole time i've been away and how i've wanted to say sorry to you. I couldn't stop thinking about it but couldn't ring you as i didn't think i would be allowed to have any privacy to talk to you. I've missed you mum and i'm so glad i'm home." As she sat on the loo later, "oh mum i missed our lovely home". And again at dinner, some heartwarming conversation.
this was way better than i expected. I love that about God. He is full of surprises and the seeds that are sown, truly do produce fruit. Thank you God for this holiday. i anticipated the hardness of it and fully expected it to be terrible when away from the girls, but it has been a blessing.
A good ending to the holidays. Thank you to my lovely friends for the great times over these last two weeks. Love ya.

the holidays of April

A beautiful baby has been born, two actually! loads of fantastic friends have been visited, a dinner party out with gorgeous friends, organising functions with another, planning future events with some and playing loads of games with the girls. Sleeping in even, hearing bad news and good, seeing relatives, having smoke alarms going off, making pikelets and feijoa loaf.
The holidays are bliss.
Going to the library, hearing chit chatter through the window while hanging washing out, the sun shining - i am in love with that in the April holidays! Having concerts, eating chocie eggs, talking to a psychologist about parenting and learning some valueable hints, drinking late's and enjoying every mouthful with whatever friend i'm with. The holidays are such a great idea. Whoever made them up needs to be thanked!
The weather is something i'm truly thankful for. ive felt the warmth of the sun when i've expected the coldness. I nearly melted the other day when i wore a merino on the hottest day in the world, with no change of clothing available! I still was glad of the sun that day. I am thankful for the insightful conversations i've had, the hardish questions from friends i've needed to answer which are helping me process the place my heart is in at present. Thank you my friends. You are like champion cheerers who never give up caring or cheering. I love laughing and crying and doing life with you. Even if you live far away, you are the 'still waters' i enjoy so much.
Thank you my girls for the cuddles and the cards, for the insightful conversations and dances we have together. Can you please sing me wobbly tooth again? i'm not sure i'll ever be sick of you both screeching, i mean singing that song to me. I love it how you organise breakfast most mornings for me now. i appreciate that so much, as i whisk through the house crazily doing other important chores!
I will miss you next week, when you stay a few days away from me. You make me smile so much.

happy birthday young buck!

I know this is a week-ish early, but Happy birthday my lovely friend.
It's been such a great year getting to know you more and having you in my life.
You are a great friend: a wonderful wealth of handy advice, cooking skill and budget-skill-shopping! You have been a pleasant surprise! You've chopped trees down for me, fixed gadgets for me, set me up with technologies that only a 'nerd' could achieve, laughed with me, prayed for me and even listened to my pity-party stories all whilst encouraging me to budget more wisely using weekly auto payments!
What a gal!
I am so greatful for you, God has blessed me with your company.
I am encouraged by you and challenged by you.
I love you my friend.
Happy birthday for the 24th! Hope to see you that day and to do more life together in this next year!
PS you are going to be the best nurse in town!
(I'm away this week so no blogging for a bit sorry!)

playing around with photos .....

the elephant in the room

I often talk about my 20’s and how great they were. I enjoyed flatting, even flatting by myself, having a job and spending that money on whatever I chose, hanging out with friends and traveling the country with them in our crazy cars or on more luxurious flights. Going to 21sts, engagement parties and weddings were included in those years. It was bliss . I encourage people who are in their 20’s to do the same – enjoy them. No mortgage perhaps, not quite yet married, a special time after leaving home. A special kind of freedom. It wasn’t a freedom I abused I don’t think and that’s why I have such great feelings about it.
I feel like I’m in my 20’s again, with some extra carry-on-luggage. I can’t come and go as I please, as I have two lovelies to look after but there are other ways where I feel like I am. Except I’m 35.
I’m kind of not sure what I want to say about this, how I feel about it. I love it in some ways – the freedom to do what I want, with it’s limits. Spending my money on what I want – not having to consider another one or be accountable to him. Choosing to watch or do whatever I want in the evenings when the little ones are asleep, not having to consider anyone but myself. Being able to be quiet or loud. Being able to be myself.
But I do feel this tug of war within myself: The desire to be connected wholeheartedly with another and also the enjoyment of doing life myself at the moment. I can’t imagine what it will be like to join up again with another. But I desire that. It scares me to think that I like doing things in the quiet of my own company so much and that it works out pretty well most of the time. Will I enjoy my independence too much and not want to get dependent again? I think the answer is no but I feel it strongly. I also feel very strongly the surging desire to be loved by someone. Am I able to wait and trust? I can’t strongly answer that question at the moment.
I was told that this really nice looking chap, who I don’t know at all, looked me up and down. I was flattered and excited in a girly kind of way. Wow, I have those girlie emotions still at play. Hillarious but scary. Thoughts of a man (I have only said a few words too, once) are filling my mind. It annoys me but it also makes me feel valued and excited about the adventure of the unknown.
In the Bible, Adam named the animals as part of the process of obtaining dominion over them. Can I do this? Name my ‘hidden creatures’? Being perfectly honest with myself I feel the pull of independence that I’m in and how I could make wrong choices and not have to tell a soul. That scares me a little. It scares me a lot. Would I be flattered enough to go on a date with a ‘random’, not having to share that with anyone if I chose not too? I feel that I could do that. I’ve always been a good girl (in my own opinion!).
So my big questions, to ask of myself are these, again probably: What are you trying to show me God and am I willing to be shown? Can I trust you God, with my future or am I going to go along with some of these strong emotions I am feeling? Why do I have these emotions – what is the deepest vulnerability of my heart at this moment? Can I face that and can I hand it to you God?
I need to ‘fess’ this up to someone that is a solid friend and possibly of the male species. I actually need a ‘daddy’ friend to share this with and to ask him to pray with me. The café where I normally see this random really nice looking chap, was where I went today with some friends (I do go there most days). He wasn’t there, But the Manly Man friend who is like a ‘dad’ to me, was. It was like these neon arrows pointing from God: “Hello sarah, here is the one I have provided for what you need.”
I laugh at the surprises of God in my life. This Godly Daddy man was busy, but I know what I need to do. Thank you God for friends. Thank you God for your interest in my silly girlish notions. Thank you for helping me to be brave and face my fears.
I figure I will be naming some of my animals in the next few days. At least i've begun to name the elephant in my room.
(the photos – I’ve wanted to dry hydrangers for yonks but have no tree. I asked a young fellow who was renting a place with heaps of these beauties, if I could steal some. He was so oblidging he even left me scissors for my return! The Feijoas were the same – some uni students who were leaving them all over their lawn. I asked, I received.)

the candlelabra

Not sure if that's how it's spelt, but we have one of sorts.
I got it in London for 7 pounds down from 25 and it was a beauty. Sadly it came home slightly wonky and i've tried hard with my strong arms, to bend it back, but it remains a little wonky. a bit like me?
D's mum and step dad are in the country for a few months. For some reason, i just feel really invaded. I haven't even seen them, but i happen to be lucky enough to receive their regular 'updates' and that prob heightens my anxiousness. I feel overwhelmed at their pending presence. and it feels jolly silly. They are lovely folks. Nice and cheery. They haven't left me, but not being in contact with them or part of their current world, is a loss. I say i don't care but I do care that they get to do life with my babies for the next few months.
As i was contemplating that over dinner tonight (spaghetti on toast and banana yoghurt of all things!), i knew i needed to do something to help myself. So i asked the girls what they thought their God would be saying to them a year on (from last time we did this) or where he would be standing for them, or what he would be doing. They pondered for a few moments and k said "I know! He says when your daddy's not here, I am your daddy. It's a bit silly but......" No that was not silly I explained, that was something that is even written in the bible. She talked a bit about the boy in her class who has no daddy at all. She was finding compassion for him even. L said God was standing infront of us.
As we were talking i was glad we were where we were - letting our feelings out and reminding ourselves who God is. So next i introduced the candellabra (?) with the new candles we had bought for it today. As i lit the candles (daylight shining through the windows still) I explained that we were going to use it to help us pray today. i needed to explain that we weren't going to pray about the weather but about Daddy and our feelings etc. I started, praying quickly at each candle by pointing. sounds religious but it was way more of a 'helpful' aid in praying, that would hopefully remind them of it in the future. Then k prayed: "Bring daddy here Lord, Bless the family we had lunch with today and ............ (she kept mostly to topic!). L prayed, in her 'all-over-the-place' fashion, that God would heal daddy where he might be hurt, that he would not go to work anymore (so he could move to us - d has told them that he can't live with us as he has to work in the city!) and that God would help us light good fires this year and grow good veges.
I felt much better. The girls enjoyed themselves and strengthened me in their own journeying.
A good ending to the day. now off to make some salad as i hate spaghetti on toast!

blank canvas

If there was a photo with todays writing, it would be of a blank canvas.
sometimes i hate a blank canvas, sometimes i love them.
I would love to have a stash of them so if i was ever inspired to paint something fabulous, then i could. but at other times i hate the thought of having a stack of them because i know i'd feel the pressure to do something with them.
My mind really does feel blank some days and particularly this last few months.
I feel bad that i haven't written a lot, i just literally have had no thought of what to write.
I am having lots of interesting times full of joy and question, full of stress and laughter. But my canvas feels a bit blank.
I think that is because i've been worried about what i'm doing this year and feeling a litlte guilty that i'm not getting a 'real job'. It's a bit weird doing 'nothing' (which really means school drop-off, shopping for food, washing, cooking, baking, washing, vacumning and more of that, walking and drinking coffee plus the ocassional deep thoug/revelation or movie watch!). I actually feel quite good about doing the things i'm doing, but it does feel a bit like nothing, when people ask what i'm doing. I feel like a bit of a slacker, yet i know it's amazing having a year (a 2nd year) where i'm finding out more about me and what gives me joy and where i'm giving myself some space to discover what this whole next season will find me doing. And yes, where being a 'mum' is the most important job.
So if i was to paint that canvas, it would probably be half one colour and the other half white. OR it would be a smile on one side and a q mark on the other. these pictures would represent the tension i feel where i'm happy to be waiting (discovering what really drives me with passion) and that waiting actually precedes a lot of good things (a butterfly coming out of it's final stage of crysalis) with the other side of that being "oh my goodness, what will i do when i actually have to get a job?" and Can i trust God in this waiting time or will i just go off and get a wee job so that i feel valuable to my world?
I am reading Dawn French's 'Dear Fatty'. She is rather funny and i like the concept she has used to write. She writes letters to people who were or are huge in her life, particularly her dad. She also writes to a few randoms like madonna and george clooney. It's quite funny but it's a fantastic way to get your feelings out i think. emmmm something to do - write some letters and perhaps not send them, but just use them to fill that canvas.
I love reading over letters that i've been given by friends and loved ones. they are so precious considering the age of 'email' that we are in. The girls write me letters sometimes. i love them. they write that they love me, even when i get mad and they write such funny wee things. Being a mum is crazy fun. crazy in that it drives me bonkers sometimes, but it's also crazy fun doing life with such little lovelies. The end, of the canvas writing for today. It's not so blank.

Abandonment

I’m loving doing stuff around the house (not gardening or anything helpful like that mind you!). Since I’ve had no real job (apart from mothering and hanging out with people over late's!) I’ve had plenty of time to explore the somewhat creative side I seem to have. It has had opportunity to not come out while I was being mum and working full time. So not with any purposeful agenda at first, I’ve enabled my creative side to come out.
I change rooms around, not sure how many times you can do that really but I seem to do it often. I’ve created some art works that probably wouldn’t sell in a gallery but that have come from an amazing experience I’ve had or just that I like the thought of something and want to see it more than just in my head.
This is such a great thing and I love doing it. I love doing crafty arty-farty things. And I’m so glad I’ve discovered that.
A word to live by this year: Abandonment. I was encouraged by reading a friends blog and by listening to her heart, that a word was a good thing to have – something to work towards, sit in my heart, mess with my head and my plans and even something to aspire too.
Adam and Eve put on fig leaves to cover themselves. To cover their sin. To cover their nakedness. To abandon myself to my Saviour is a true, naked-like-thing to do. What it looks like, I’m not sure but I do imagine a sweet girl running through a field of long grass, wearing a white dress, dancing and laughing without care for who would dare to be looking. Am I OK to come to God as I am? Am I going to respond to Him with the knowledge that He knows all anyway and is just waiting for me, wooing me, loving me and desiring my presence? Sometimes I’m just not sure how to come to big lovely God.
I’m knowing it’s not rocket science (to come to Him) and I’m knowing it is faith. Coming, saying “this is me …. warts and all, I really love you God, you are fabulous and so kind and I’m just going to sing you this wee song that I made up because you make me want to sing sometimes……. I also love it that before I even thought about you, You loved me, little me …… I am in awe of how you talk to me and tell me great and important things. You guide me and lead me constantly……
You make me smile a lot and you ………… well you let me ask you questions of dumb stuff I just don’t get. You seem to answer when you want and that is often in strange ways, but I like that, mostly. You are a good good God. You bless me. I come to you today – with arms wide open … in awe of the one who gave it all …..

voices in my head?!

Well there definitely aren’t spooky voices telling me to do dumb things. Thankfully. But there are the voices of the wise around me, that I am so grateful for. Sometimes I get out of balance with what I’m thinking – someone like d, who was a once trusted and dear voice, says something totally unrecognizable and I start wondering: emmm maybe I do need a job, or maybe I am not clothing the girls well. Ha. The funny things we get thrown at us. It has become confusing at times for me, to hear these voices or messages which conflict with what my heart thinks and what my mind knows is OK and true.
So new thoughts, confused babblings rattle around in my once semi-sane head and I begin to doubt myself. There are a few things happening for me here – I could and would entrust myself to d’s wisdom and solid advice. It seemed godly and it was. Now it’s a bit twisted, slightly mental, crazy infact. The gracious side of myself thinks that maybe I’m the mean one. I weigh up the things he throws at me and I toss them around a bit even though I defend myself infront of him, in a mostly nice way. The words of one are powerful, that is written in the word and I’ve believed that as truth for an eon. But how they can throw my balanced life, has struck me in this season. I doubt some of the clear thinking and I’m like “why am I suddenly being tossed about on the sea like a boat going everywhere except for it’s destination?”
And then these still soft messages come. And I am glad of them. They come from delicious family and delightful friends. The ones who tell me it’s OK and that I don’t need to do things that are thrown at me. They help me get balanced again on this ragged road. I am so glad of the wise sages amongst me. The friends who say beautiful things which bring peace and not hostility.
The other beautiful thoughts come from my God. He whispers, reminding me who I am, of how to say sorry when I need too and of small but beautiful ideas and ways to mend where there are big tears in the fabric of our life.
I love it that You desire truth in my inmost being (Psalm 50) and that You want to walk with me still. You are an incredible God.
As a family we are doing lent, considering the girls are so young – it’s a very fluid form of lent. Lent is from the 10th century. Wow. We were talking about fasting from something and K thought I could ‘give-up’ using my cross voice! I asked her if she could consider giving up ‘not doing what mummy says so the cross voice has to come out!’. We all laughed and made it a joke. The girls talked about giving up playing with toys, eating fruit and vege (don’t think they got it at all when we first talked about it) and other musings. It’s such a lovely practice. It will be something that grows each year as we continue to journey with Him. Lent will perhaps become part of the make-up of our family, I hope so. K said the other day :”Mum, the Israelites had faith to leave Egypt didn’t they?!” Yes they did. What did this mean to her and where on earth did she get those words? God is adding layers and layers of himself as we discuss Him and read about Him and sing of Him.
I told the girls how God is looking after us (in a financial sense) and how he had blessed us in lots of ways. As we were walking to school today I explained about how I had seen k’s dressing gown was a size 3 and because she is 6 now, we needed to buy a bigger one. I then told her that I told God that we needed one please! 2 days later a friend gave us a size 8 one without me mentioning it! I was so stoked. K was more impressed with the fact that it was purple than the fact God had given it to us. That’s OK, she’ll get it, layer by layer.

Every cloud and it's silver lining

Isaiah 50 v 10-11
Who is among you who fears the Lord, who obeys the voice of His Servant, yet who walks in darkness and deep trouble and has no shining splendor? Let him rely on, trust in and be confident in the name of the Lord and let him lean upon and be supported by his God
Behold, all you (enemies of your own selves) who attempt to kindle your own fires (and work out your own plans of salvation), who surround and gird yourselves with momentary sparks, darts and firebrands that you set aflame! – Walk by the light of your self-made fire and of the sparks that you have kindled. But this shall you have from My hand: you shall lie down in grief and in torment

Some q’s I’m thinking of when I try to look at my own heart are:
As I walk along this path I’m walking, am I trusting in myself again?
How do I put that ‘trust in God’, to action daily? What does that even look like? I guess it’s – how do I rely on, trust in and be confident in the name of the Lord, leaning on and being supported by my God, as a daily thing?

I conversed with d the other night, asking him some hard-ish q. “Are you going to become reconciled to us? Are you going to make things right?” The mere fact I even launched into any q was huge as I hadn’t talked honestly with him for a very long time, it’s been too hard to talk, being fearful of what he may answer. I neednt have left it so long as the fears were immediately met with the responses I imagined he would give. He was hard. He was mean. He answered every question with a q of his own. I was slightly stumped but as he finished, he was going to be honest but he stopped himself and said it was time to go. Maybe there are things that have never been said, that he needed too?
How do I turn this into the positive? Well I’m feeling rather vulnerable but quite brave in my response to God: Search me O God …….. let offense ways, my own sparks and fires that I have kindled, let them be put out. May you search my heart and change me.
I haven’t really had that attitude, I’ve thought that it might just happen naturally along this journey.
So I rung d back 5 minutes later and asked for a few moments of his time. I said I was sorry for ambushing him. I said that I loved him and missed him and that above all the stuff that had happened, I felt for him. I told him I had a heart for Him. I told him if he ever wanted to talk to someone (he had said no one really was asking him how he was) he could talk to me. I was emotional. I was honest. I showed him, for the first time in ages, that I cared.
The phone call ended with him saying he didn’t want to talk to me.
And no matter how hard that was, it was a sacrifice I made because I felt to do that. I don’t know what it did and I’m sad as I think about it, but I want to trust God that I followed his leading. I felt like a mug but maybe being a mug is OK (as a dear friend suggested once).
The cloud is easy to see, sometimes the silver lining isn't.

We’ve been singing “I’m 5, I’m 5, I’m a big boy now I’m 5!” and you don’t even crack when I try to trick you with the ‘boy’ bit. You are 5 and are so ready for it!
I am so glad of you Liv. You make me smile so much and now you are 5. There will be more smiles this year.
When I take the time to be with you, down at your level, it’s so worth it. The gems of creativity and thought come flying out, I’m hopeful your teachers and peers get to see that this year.
I am in awe of your thoughtfulness, your responsible attitude in daunting tasks, when you say: “I can’t do it” and you jolly well can. I love it how you love the truth in black or white, how you love to do wee tricks and how you absolutely love people! I’m sorry when people don’t react the way you expect them too, but I’m glad you have been taught to smile and greet people so they feel special. You are a darling at that!
I am sorry for the times when I’ve used my growly voice, way too much and when you have to block your ears. I am thankful for your graciousness towards me and how you can pray and make my world seem at peace for a few great moments.
I trust you will make the most of being 5 and that as much as I feel I help you by being your mummy, that by being who God has made you to be, you will bless me just as much.
You are a cracker Liv, you are a funny wee poppet who makes jokes and who gets others jokes. I pray that God would bless you and that he would keep you and that he would make his face shine upon you. I pray that the deep yearnings of your heart would be met this year and that you would understand that nothing is too difficult for God and that He has great and awesome plans for us.
Love u my precious girl.

Must Trust

I heard the best talk on new years resolutions the other day. It wasn’t a talk that made you walk away and feel pressured to do anything or you would die but a challenge to sit down and do the following: To think of or write a list of things that needed to be left behind from 2008 and also a list that could be added to your life for 2009.
I told a friend I had thought of one or two to let go of: to stop swearing as much as I have this year (to stop basically!), to pray more with friends when they are with me – for it to be a natural thing between friends.
Walter Brueggeman writes about anniversaries (I’ve said this before sorry) and how they cause us to have a look backwards at all the good things but to plan for the future looking forward to what it may bring!
I was in Sydney when I started writing this: we only have one more flight to get home and it’s been an amazing trip home thus far. I have feared it to be honest – the length but also the fear of going home to ‘who knows what! They went quickly, the second one where we just watched loads of movies!
(now at home) Last year was painful but incredible. I saw the blessings and on most days, they outweigh the sludge.
Returning home was probably harder than I’d expected. I was looking forward to being at ‘home’ as I often yearn for the ‘familiar’ but I’d been surrounded by family for over 5 weeks and that was comforting and warm. The night I got home, after fussing with suitcases, I suddenly realized I was all alone and I became aware of my sense of smell. The place we live in, smelt like it did when we first moved in last year. It was a horrible reminder, instantly, of the year that had been. Ahhhh I wasn’t expecting that!
Funny how smell can do that. or maybe it’s not funny! The challenge I’ve felt after processing some of this is quite a biggie: Can I really trust God, no matter what the outcome? Another way I’ve worded this is: can I really trust God with the outcome – giving him all my hopes for our future considering how it really truly looks like d is so far away from the miracle I yearn? Can I say: I trust you God. I trust you God. I truly trust you.
I’m hoping I can say that. It feels big, like I’m letting go of the ‘gutsy miracle faith’ that I had, that seems slightly dwindled now, a year later.
It is a choice and I am hoping to walk in that over these next few weeks.
Here is a great poem to finish with, not my own, but a great one which will perhaps land itself on my wall soon!

O love thou wilt not let me go
I rest my weary soul in thee
I give thee back the life I owe
That in thine ocean depths
Its flow may richer, fuller be

O joy that seekest me through pain
I cannot close my heart to thee
I trace the rainbow thru the rain
And feel the promise is not vain
That morn shall tearless be

George Matheson

Mattchew

Wow Matt. You are an incredible man. I think of you with such a big smile. You have lit up my life while I’ve been with you. I’ve kind of felt like a ‘groupie’ as I’ve just wanted to be round you. You are kindly spoken. You are tough when you need to be, with the girls or others. You have a hilarious and naughty sense of humour. I adore that. These are all things I knew but how refreshing they are.
You ask great questions and you don’t mind tears. You allow crying and don’t seem to freak out but perhaps even join in. It is a wonderful thing to cry with someone. Not a weakness but a strength.
You have cared for us like a ‘dad’ would, maybe like a husband would (that’s a bit weird to say as you’re my bro!). I have wished before, that I married someone just like you. I can’t change who I married but I really like your role model of a ‘man’. I know you’re not perfect either. But I thank you for the ‘man’ you are growing to be.
There are many things we can try to achieve in life, but to be someone that loves people, is a true asset. People are so important. You love people, even the weird ones.
Thank you for loving me. I am so glad you are my brother and my friend. I thank you for asking the right questions and for being OK with hard answers. I thank you for your advice, for your wisdom. The stories you tell, even if I’ve heard them before, are so fresh. They crack me up and make me feel more part of your world.
Love u, sez
PS we are quite old now aye!